The Loo in the Basement

I actually started to write a decently thoughtful post last night, but of course, it was the first time that our internet was doing fluky things, so no posting last night . . .

As usual, our weekend was busy. Saturday I went to the movies and saw “Art School Confidential.” I wasn’t very fond of the ending and I thought that the story could have followed a different thread and had a much more satisfying ending. However, any day that ends with eating at iHop is a great day . . .

Sunday, Mr. Random and I went to a bunch of open houses in the Del Ray area of Alexandria. There was one house which always looked really cool on the outside, but the inside was incredibly cramped and poorly laid out. And the basement . . . if you could call it that . . . a flight of steep steps leading to a very low basement – so low that even my very short self had to stoop to walk down there. Besides being way too low, the basement had a toilet sitting in the middle of the room, sitting next to the washer and dryer. Just sitting. Out in the open. Not even a screen in front of it. Not even a sink down there. Just a lonely, grimy toilet sitting in the middle of this dark, low, cluttered basement. There was only one other bathroom in the house, on the second floor, and it was tiny. The owners had redone the small kitchen rather nicely, but if it were me, I would wall off the basement and find a way to bring the washer and dryer upstairs. Of course, it was the most expensive house we saw, listed at that time at $749K . . . yes, you heard me right. For three tiny bedrooms, one and “one-quarter” bath, and a death trap basement, almost 750 thousand dollars . . .

We then walked to what looked like a rather small and unassuming bungalow down the street. A friend of mine said that we should really come out and look, since he thought it would be perfect for us, just from how it looked from the outside. When we walked in, my expectations were really low, but I was so, so surprised! The owner had ripped the house down to the studs and started each room from scratch and added on in the back a family room/master bedroom suite w/huge walk-in closet/screened porch and deck. There were wonderful hardwood floors, and gorgeously updated kitchen, a mudroom, two other nice sized bedrooms and a bath, all the rooms on one floor. It was as much my dream house as it could possibly be. It was full of light and shiny new. AND it was 30K less than the first house! If that house isn’t snapped up in the next week, I don’t know what’s wrong with people.

Now I can’t afford any of these houses, and I don’t believe that Mr. Random and I will ever be able to. After leaving that bungalow, I felt really depressed. I do love looking at open houses though. I love seeing how they are designed, how they are decorated, how people LIVE in them. So daydreaming is going to have to hold me over for quite a few years more.

. . . gee, that writing didn’t end the way I though it would, but I’m much too tired to fix it. I hope everyone’s week is going well. I’ll try to do better later . . .

Just Another Day . . .

It’s been a day. Not a bad day or a good day, but a day.

I picked up a pair of glasses with my new prescription this afternoon and it took me a while to get used to actually seeing things correctly. I can’t wait to get my new sunglasses and my second set of frames . . . I picked some really daring styles – well, for me they are kind of daring . . . My workday glasses – the ones I picked up today – are thin, burgundy framed, with small, square/oval lenses which work well with my skin tone. For my second pair – my casual/at home/weekend pair, they are thin, blue framed with small oval lenses . . . these will be a little more “coke bottle” than the other ones, because I didn’t want to spend the money to thin out TWO sets of frames. The sunglasses will be thick, but dainty, tortoise shell with small, dark lenses. It’s been dreary and rainy the past two days, so I am not as antsy for the sunglasses, but I definitely want them by my trip to New York next week . . .

My boss has extended an offer to a really nice guy who is going to do a lot of our admin and database stuff. Yay! I’m hoping that he accepts – it will take so much off of my shoulders, and I can start working on other things . . .

No one came into my office today and said they were resigning . . . I should now consider it noteworthy each day that someone DOESN’T do that . . .

Consider this another Random placeholder post . . .

Rearranging the Deck Chairs . . .

Two people are leaving the Random Non-profit this week to go on to other jobs. I took one of them out to lunch today just to give him a proper goodbye – he had been rather fun to work with and I am very sad to see him go . . .

When I came back from lunch, my boss’s boss came into my office and said that she was resigning to start her own consulting firm. I’m way happy for her and I think it will be a great fit – she’s worked her for 9 years and wants some new challenges. It’s also a good time to leave before the new CEO gets on board, especially if you don’t feel like going through yet another transitional period . . .

However, I am now wary of anyone who walks into my office and shuts the door. She was the 4th person in 3 months to come in and tell me they were leaving. I just assume now that if someone comes in and closes the door, the next words out of their mouth will be “I just wanted to let you know before it gets out – I’m leaving to . . .”

Today was a bit of a discouraging day for the above reasons and one more. My new boss and I are committed to improving our organization’s relationship with our grassroots. However, they have been neglected for so long that they are no longer paying attention to what we want to do. They have complained for a number of years that we have not been meeting their needs, and no one seemed to be acting on their requests in a timely manner. Now that we finally have the resources and the drive to do what they want us to do, they don’t want to hear it. I understand how they feel – they have been burned before – but I do wish they would give us a chance to improve things . . . some of them do know me and know that I do follow through on what I say I will do. Now I just have to try to do that for the whole field, and somehow let them know that we DO care and we WILL help them . . . I must not take all of this personally . . .

Thanks on the comments on yesterday’s post. I will try to work on Mr. Random to get him to take some time off . . . we both really need it, and him most of all. I am going to NYC to visit a friend of mine next weekend – maybe having the condo to himself for a few days will allow him some breathing space . . .

Any recommendations on what I should see in NYC? I’m already going to Times Square, and hope to spend a day in SoHo. I will be there from next Friday night to Sunday afternoon – is there anything else I should try to get to in such a short time period?

Fork in the Road

Today I tried to access the blog from work and it just wasn’t happening. I’m thinking it was a sign of some sort – that I really need to lay off the blog surfing until I get home . . .

Since we moved our offices, the office manager is making us all print to the same printer room, which happens to be at the other side of the building from where a number of us sit, a fact which really ticks a whole bunch of us off. I wish the Random Non-profit wouldn’t be so darn cheap! I almost want to run to Staples and but my own printer, just so I don’t have to wait for someone to get finished printing out the phone book to get my 2 page outline that I need for a meeting . . .

The days are so busy now – filled with many more meetings. Plus, my new boss is a major talker – there is no such thing as a one minute conversation with her – so meetings take a bit longer than before. I am still overwhelmed, but it is starting to settle into a routine. Hopefully, we will be able to hire an admin pretty soon and be able to apportion duties accordingly . . .

They still have not found anyone for my old position and many things have just been left hanging. I’m feeling kind of bad about that, but there’s nothing I can do since I have my new duties that keep me very busy. I do hope that they staff up that department again very soon . . .

Mr. Random is having a bit of a crisis . . . the type of crisis a lot of us are going through right now. He is trying to figure out what is in his future, what is he meant to do. He feels really demoralized because a lot of things that he has wanted to do, he doesn’t feel that he is good at, and he doesn’t know what to do now. As a child, he wanted to be an astronaut, but wasn’t very good at math or science . . . physics, same deal . . . design, it doesn’t come naturally to him . . . writing, same thing . . . I try to get him to try new things, network, get himself out there at bit more and expose himself to more things, but he just isn’t that interested. He enjoys his soccer games and his running but doesn’t have many other hobbies. I, on the other hand, try everything and love everything, and my problem is the opposite – which way should I go? I am at a loss on what advice to give to help him, other than being as supportive and encouraging as I can. If he doesn’t get into the school program that he is applying for, I have a feeling he is going to be utterly inconsolable . . .

This is something that I am worried about . . . at the moment I am very excited by many possibilities while Mr. Random isn’t. He is looking at all of our friends, with their houses and kids and decent jobs, and is not feeling like an “adult” in comparison. I, on the other hand, am making peace with where I am and don’t necessarily want what those folks have. I mean it’s nice, and I do want it someday, but right now there’s just so much to do and try and places to go. I have a feeling that at some point I am going to have to compromise what I want and put things on hold for a while to pop out a kid or two, but definitely not right now . . .

Mr. Random and I do talk about what we are thinking and feeling often and are trying to balance out each of our desires with those of the other . . . we don’t want either one of us to end up bitter, but it is hard sometimes . . . What do we want our future to be? I guess after buying this condo, and me not being happy with it but knowing that it was as good as it was going to get, has made me not want to have to make another decision that I know that I’m not going to be happy with . . .

Reading over what I just wrote, it sounds much worse than it is, but it has been upon my mind quite a bit and we are trying to puzzle it out and try to figure out how to make the situation better for the both of us . . .

There never seems to be a perfectly dull moment when nothing is going on, it seems . . .

Hitting a Wrong Note

The weekend is almost over.

I just got finished looking over Mr. Random’s first draft of his personal statement for applying to Journalism school. It was a rambling mess that needs a lot of work, but there are kernels of good stuff in there. Personal statements are incredibly difficult things to write – so many influences go into what makes you want to do something that by narrowing it down to one or two items sometimes leaves out some important information that an admissions office may find compelling . . .

This weekend went OK . . . I mean, we got our errands done, we bought paint for the bathroom, I had my eyes checked, ordered new glasses, I went to lunch with my friend today . . . but it all seems so . . . off . . .

Today I had to sing a solo in church – it did not go well. I was so nervous – I should not have been nervous, but I was petrified to do it. Everyone kept saying not to worry, no one was going to stone me, but when the moment came – I mean I did it, but I was not happy with it. The reason I sing in the choir is because I love singing and have a great time doing it and people can tell that. Starting the day in sheer terror is never a good thing . . . I’m a supporting character, not a soloist – a background singer. I help make the whole group sound better, but I’m not ready to be out in front. I’m a Pip, not Gladys Knight . . .

However, I really need to get over my fear and try to do more things like this. I told the Music Director that next time maybe a duet would be best . . . I feel more confident if I’m not singing by myself. It may be a good way to ease me into solos . . .

Today would have been a good day for a good old-fashioned “hang-out and just chat” with my friend, but it didn’t seem in the cards today. We did have a lovely lunch, ice cream and bookstore haunt, so I can’t complain too much . . . any time out is a good time . . .

I thought I was going to write a bit more, but will have to wait until tomorrow. I still haven’t been sleeping too well, and now I think it is finally catching up with me. I’m really hoping this week isn’t too stressful . . .

Random Happenings

Many things to catch you all up on today!

First of all, I’m at home today. I’ve had a massive headache for the past two days which I considered a sign that I needed a day off. Right now I’m watching Ellen, a show which I LOVE, but never actually get to see except on holidays. She’s doing a “Cinco de Mayo” show and showing scenes from Olvera Street, the oldest street in Los Angeles. I think Mr. Random and I ate at the Mexican restaurant she filmed from, and now I’m all excited at the recognition – I’m just cheesy that way. “Hey, WE ATE THERE! THAT’S SO COOL! I KNOW WHERE THAT IS!” It takes such little things to make me happy . . .

I remember that on that trip I bought a little black backpack purse off of one of the street carts for $10 and it was one of the best purses that I ever had. Not too big, but big enough to hold my essentials easily. Small enough that I could tote it around and not have my arm go numb. I told Mr. Random at the time that if it lasted more than a month, I would be happy – it lasted about a year. I have now devoted my life to finding another purse like that . . . I guess if we go back to the West Coast this summer, we have to go back to Olvera Street and I have to buy 5 of those exact purses from that cart . . .

Second of all, the office move is over. Mr. Random and I came in on Sunday afternoon and unpacked our offices to start getting ready for Monday. The new building, though smaller, is actually a lot nicer and we have office windows that ACTUALLY OPEN. Some of you must know how exciting that is, to actually have the ability to let fresh air into the room. I have a lot of trouble with recirculating air buildings – I get sick all of the time in those - so this is a happy relief. Since the offices are a lot smaller, I had to lose a bookcase, a guest chair and a filing cabinet, but otherwise I have my office set up exactly like I had it before – all of my Arts Festival posters up on the wall, along with my colorful Matisse and my Margaret Bourke-White picture. I have a big picture window with two smaller windows at the bottom that can be opened to get fresh air. There is a huge radiator/air conditioner unit right under the window which can be used to heat or cool the room to my desires, but also takes up a honking amount of room behind my desk, and I can’t put any anything on it, like plants or books, because it’s basically a heater. I used to have a small file hutch in my old office behind my desk there that I used to keep my plants on, but they all had to be relocated and I can’t get used to not having those files right behind me anymore. And now my office is right off the reception area, which means (a) a lot more noise and (b) I have to keep my office incredibly neat all of the time. Otherwise, my office is set up exactly the same as my old office – comfortable and colorful. Mr. Random’s office is across the building from me, which is great! – but he still wanders over to my office about 8 times a day to just say hi or to chat . . .

Third of all, now we have a wireless router, so I am now writing this from the comfort of my bedroom. This is so awesome, we should have done this sooner! . . .

Now for the most exciting thing . . .

Last night, one of my husband’s cousins from random South American country was in town and had dinner with us. He is the youngest son of my husband’s father’s younger brother, and I had never met anyone from that part of the family before. Mr. Random hadn’t seen M since M was 4 years old, and now he is a tall, dark-haired, very handsome 22 year old who is going to college in Canada and was in town to visit a friend from school before joining his family on a vacation in Russia. (They are the very well off part of the family . . .) We were both very nervous before meeting him that we would run out of things to say, but it was quite a lovely dinner and he is quite a sweet, earnest young man, speaking with a very heavy Spanish accent. We showed M our wedding pictures since he was unable to come, and he was glad to see the family that he has not yet met. He talked a lot about his two older brothers, his mom and dad, and how different it was going to college in Canada after growing up in random South American country. He is going to do a semester abroad next year, spending the spring studying in Paris (lucky dog!) . . .

I wish that my youngest sister could have come up and joined us – they are both about the same age and I think they could have gotten along wonderfully. After seeing her picture, he actually asked about her and seemed a bit interested. She could certainly do a lot worse! . . .

I am so glad that meeting him worked out so well. When Mr. Random and I got married, we were both a bit miffed that none of that part of the family came up for the wedding – the wedding of their only Random cousin, the son of the dead brother. They sent a card, but I was furious with his Random uncle . . . especially since they have traveled to the states a few times since then and never once wanted to see us. I know I have to get over it, but I think it is sad that Mr. Random has an uncle who he does not really know and does not seem to want to know him. Luckily his Uncle T has been more than awesome and like a second father to him, but still . . .

. . . Anyway, I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. We will spend ours trying to fix things up before Mr. Random’s mom comes to visit us in June. I will try to get a little more rest in, if I can . . .

Placeholder

I have not forgotten about you all . . . It’s just been super busy these days and I have not much time to write. I’m glad to see that Virginia Gal is back, wanted to say “Hi” to Merci and Justrose, and give a shout out to Tree of Knowledge who wandered over from Cheese and Responsibility (which needs to go on the blogroll as soon as I have time.)

The weather has been just lovely. My evening schedule was supposed to ease up this week, but it didn’t and I don’t know when it will. However, I should have something pretty interesting to write about after this dinner I’m going to tonight . . .

Today's Random Summary

. . . I am so excited – two of my level 2 ESL students have graduated from our program! This means that they received high enough scores on the assessment exam that they did not have to take level 3 and can now go on to community college level ESL classes. Woo Hoo!

This is a first for me, but it seems like it should happen much more often. When people first take the placement test, anything could happen – they could be having a bad day, be very distracted or the evaluator could interpret their answers differently and as a result someone could end up with a lower placement score than reflects their true proficiency level. Also, the test does not test reading and writing skills very well, so you could place out of the program with excellent oral skills, but still not be able to read or write English very well at all. (As is the case with one of the folks who just placed out.) The organization is supposed to be looking at implementing a new assessment tool, but I have no idea when that will be. It is also hard to get a lot of reading and writing instruction in when you are only dealing with people 2 hours a night, twice a week, with volunteer instructors. The students are always asking for more conversation, pronunciation and vocabulary skills to help them interact better with native speakers and allow them to get better jobs.

The student who placed out of the program with poor reading and writing skills has been matched with a one-on-one tutor, who will work with him exclusively on his reading and writing – so I am very happy that he will continue to get the help he needs . . .

. . . I am a lousy commenter on other people’s blogs. Usually when I read other blogs, I only have time to sneak a peak. Other times, I don’t feel confident enough to comment. There is an old saying that I have internalized (and that I probably have wrong) “If you don’t talk people may only think you’re stupid, unless you open your mouth and prove them true.” So I tend not to say much both in real life and on blogs. My new boss has pegged me as an “observer,” which is a rather accurate assessment. . .

I have a huge inferiority complex, haven’t you been able to tell? A lot of times I think I know just enough to sound really stupid to people who actually know what I am trying to say. A lot of times, I will know what I want to say, but struggle to find the appropriate words. The picture will be in my head, but I just can’t say what it is. . .

It is really frustrating and I feel really bad about it. I think part of it is not having enough confidence – I know lots of people who are just wrong, wrong, wrong, but they say things in such a way that sounds really intelligent, if you know what I mean . . .

. . . This is going to be a beautiful and very busy weekend. I am really hoping that we get to the nursery tomorrow and buy some plants for the balcony – I feel the need to nurture at the moment. I also hope we finally get a wireless router so I can actually use my laptop as a mobile workstation, instead of being chained to the desk in the den. The den isn’t big enough for both Mr. Random and I to sit in there at the same time . . .

. . . The studio idea is on hold, but not off of the table. Last weekend we talked to some actual artists to ask about where they know of studio space and most of them said they either work out of their homes (they have enough space to do so) or find spaces in marginal neighborhoods and share the rent with 3 or 4 people. One of our desires is to have a space near where we live so that we can get to it easily and actually get a lot of use out of the space, but given those parameters it will take us forever to find a spot . . .

. . . National Poetry Month is ending. I’m sure you all will be glad to not have to see any more of my horrid attempts at poetry. I do have some decent raw material to work from should I ever wish to improve. From now on, I’ll go back to spotlighting the random cool poets and poems that I find in my wanderings. Trying to write a poem every day during National Poetry Month has increased my appreciation for the hard work that goes into crafting a good poem . . .

Moving

I hate moving.

The Random Non-profit is moving its offices this weekend, so the past week has been spent packing and throwing things out. During this time, my new boss has come on board and we are trying to find our way through the substantial tasks that are going to need to be accomplished in the near future – tasks being made infinitely harder by some recent bone-headed moves by some higher ups.

I am not a fan of change.

Now, I love having new experiences – going out and seeing what there is to see, trying new foods, meeting new people. However, I am always comforted by the fact that I can go home again – a place that by definition doesn’t need to change unless you want it to. At work, your office is kind of your home – no matter what trying things happen at work, you can always retreat to your little cubby hole and by being surrounded by your things you can start to ground yourself back to sanity.

But when all your files are put away in boxes, your pictures taken down from the walls, and your office bare but for a desk, a chair and a computer, you feel unsettled. I would prefer that they not wait until the weekend to move everything – just send us home and be done with it!

I’m still having very anxious moments – so much change going on in such a short amount of time, so many challenges thrown at me. I’m glad Mr. Random is here to talk me down sometimes – if he wasn’t, I guess I’d have to walk around the block or something . . . although if that was the case, I probably would be halfway to New York by now . . .

Oh, by the way . . . I started wearing a pedometer during the day, which has turned out to be very depressing. One day I only took 458 steps. The whole day! Mr. Random, however, has racked up at least 6,000 each day. I guess I should get up and walk around a bit more, but I have actual work to do! And I sit in more meetings all day now! I’m so afraid that by the end of the summer I’m going to have gained 20 pounds, so I really need to figure something out . . .

Tonight is the last class of the semester for the ESL program. We usually give out certificates to all of the students who participated and have a large potluck dinner afterwards. I will be so happy to have to have my summer evenings free . . .

One Window is All I Need

One window is all I need.

Of course,
It has to be a large picture window
Big as the wall
Filling the room with healing, nourishing light.

One kiss is all I need.

Of course,
It has to be a deep, penetrating kiss
Going on for hours and hours
Getting lost in the emotion and warmth.

One friend is all I need

Of course,
That friend has to be there always
For when I am happy
When I am sad
When I am lonely
When I am angry
Hearing me, helping me, holding me
Making me feel special.

One life is all I need.

Of course,
It has to be a full life
Lived without boundaries
Lived without fear
Feeling and learning and growing and being
Until the very end.

Poetry Day 24 - Bull Durham Creedo

Some friends of mine were talking about this just yesterday, so I thought is was very funny and appropriate that this subject came up today . . .

I believe in the kindness of strangers
The warmth found in the arms of one you care about
The joy found in another person’s smile
The optimism of children
The hopefulness of daydreams, of wishes, of coins in a fountain

But to live one’s life in fear, to follow the crowd, to do what’s expected
That’s not living

I believe in wishing on a star
I believe in wondering where the plane above is going
I believe in looking at the path ahead, excited by what is before you, searching for truth and beauty along the away

And I believe in second acts, second chances, third acts, third chances
Trying and failing and trying again
As long as it takes
That’s a life

Silver Linings

I’m not giving up on the poetry entirely, but as you can tell my participation in Poetry Month has been a bit spotty this week.

I’m trying not to be whiny and am failing miserably. The dreary day here in Northern Virginia isn’t helping. Mr. Random is off to play poker tonight with a bunch of our guy friends. I’m rather happy, because he hardly ever does social stuff with other people if I’m not involved, so I’m happy to see him doing something fun on his own.

It’s been a long week and I am cranky. Tonight it is just going to be me, Random Cat and the TV – at least until I fall asleep at some early hour. I am also going to work on a baby blanket that I’m knitting for a friend of mine and see if I can make some progress on that.

There’s been a mini-pregnancy explosion amongst the Random Friends. Four people I know are pregnant and due this Summer and Fall. When I hear about these things, there is a little twinge of “why not me?” and then I snap out of it and realize that I am really not ready for a kid yet – I have much too much to do, too many things that I still want to do in the near future . . .

Did you know that I might be partially renting an artist’s studio? This is one of the exciting things on the horizon for me . . . a friend and I might be going in together on renting a space. How cool! A space devoted only to art and things artistic! A place to draw and paint and print and not have to worry about ruining the dining room table or mussing the rug!

The new job is going along well, but I am still having occasional panic attacks about it. It is very overwhelming and I often am not quite sure that I know what I am doing . . . I probably need more rest than I am getting, which would make me a little more relaxed.

Random Cat has taken to sleeping with us at night again. After I have fallen asleep, she nestles herself on the comforter, right between my legs so that I can’t move during the night without waking her up. I know this because I have awakened at 2 in the morning to find a cat snoring below me . . .

[I can think of several rather vulgar jokes that I could make about this, but I will spare you all my sad sense of humor]

The weekend looks like it’s going to be rainy. Phooey! Last weekend I had a great time going to the Folger Shakespeare Library and to the Library of Congress, although both were rather underwhelming. The exhibits were kind of dumbed-down for my taste – I don’t know, I just expected something more. The Benjamin Franklin exhibit was incredibly disappointing to me, especially since I am such a fan. The Library of Congress’ permanent collection has changed a great deal since the last time I visited there 6 years ago, and not in a positive way.

I hope life is going well for everyone. I’ll keep you posted on the status of the studio.

Restless Thoughts for Spring

Where would I like to be?
Anywhere but here.

I’d love to roam the earth right now
My home in a steamer trunk
Staying in one place for a few months
Just until it felt comfortable
Like I belonged

Where you know where to get the good cup of tea
Where you know where to can go sit and think
Where you know where to find a kindred spirit

Then I’d move on and find another cozy spot
Making new friends
Seeing new things
Living a different life
Learning who I am
Learning who I want to be

Who would I like to be?
Anyone but me.

I’d love to be the witty girl
Breaking men’s hearts
Radiating confidence
Brimming with intelligence
Channeling a quiet strength
Seeming to own the earth

Someone without fear
Someone who is free to try
Someone who is free to fail

I wouldn’t be the timid mouse
Not able to make a decision
Looking for others’ approval
Eager to please
But making no one happy

When should this be?
Anytime . . . maybe now.

Poetry Day 14 & 15 - Making It Up

I'm behind! I'm behind! Have to catch up! So much to do . . .

Day 14 – More Formula Poems

Earliest memory

In the basement
Reading a book
Content, eager, relaxed
Curled up on the worn, brown shag

Heaven.


Day 15 – Emotions and Actions

What if we never met?
I might have moved away.

What if we never met?
I could have traveled the world.

What if we never met?
I would be a different person . . .

What if we never met?
Would I like the person I might have been?

Poetry Day 13 - Formula Poems

Love
Sharing, living, experiencing
Being together
Us

Contentment
Talking, laughing, kissing
In your arms
Me with you

Sorrow
Crying, sleeping, forgetting
In my mind
Me when you left

A Concrete Slab with a View

As the weather gets nicer, my thoughts turn to our balcony. When Mr. Random and I bought our condo two years ago, I really lamented the fact that I wouldn’t have a yard in which to plant flowers and assorted vegetables. Ever since I was a little girl, I always dreamed that my first home purchase would consist of a little Cape Cod with a yard in back where we’d have cook outs and a vegetable garden and my eventual little kids would have room to run and play. Nope – the brutal Washington DC real estate market dashed those dreams really quickly . . .

So now we just have a little balcony off of the living room to fulfill all of my outdoor leisure dreams. Last summer, we couldn’t use the balcony because all the balconies in the building were getting refurbished for safety reasons and we didn’t want to take the chance of plunging to our deaths. By the time our balcony was finally fixed, it was too late to get proper furniture for it (i.e. there were no more sales and the good stuff was already taken.)

This year, I want to get a little metal table and chairs (with gaily colored cushions), a couple of small evergreens in pots to put in each front corner, and a small low bench that I can put a flowerbox on to grow pansies or something. Whether all of that will actually fit is anyone’s guess, but I am a dreamer . . .

We have a lovely view from our balcony. We are in the back of the building, so we currently look out over a wooded area that is home to many, many beautiful birds and trees. The Random Cat spends hours looking out of the sliding glass doors, working herself into a frenzy wanting to burst through the window and nab any bird that happens to land on the railing. Unfortunately, at any moment they are going to start construction on a bunch of townhouses on that little patch of land, so we will soon kiss that lovely view goodbye. Sometimes I really hate urban infill development! (Yes, I know it is great from an urban planning standpoint, but still!)

I would really like to go out this weekend and get stuff, but Saturday and Sunday jam-packed with activities already. I hope we can go out next weekend if it isn’t too late to get really nice, but cheap, furniture. We went to Target last weekend and the garden furniture area was pretty much ransacked already . . .

Poetry Day 12 - Wild Card Day

How are you feeling?

I am feeling weary, so weary.
Feeling uncertain about my path-
Where should I go? What should I do?
Always thinking, thinking, thinking
So weary of thinking.

How are you feeling?

My feelings are larger than words
Words cannot quite express the feelings I have
The words are not intense enough,
Not deep enough
Only scrape the surface of how I feel.

How are you feeling?

Me? Do I have feelings?
Wandering through each day in a haze
Not quite connecting with those around me
Looking for that someone, that one
Who will unlock the key to my passions.

How are you feeling?

I am feeling everything and nothing.
I am feeling nothing and everything.
I am feeling.

Hey Man, Do You Have a Time?

One of my many addictions is magazines. They are glossy, portable and organized in easily readable bites of information – the article. Now, I’m not talking Women’s Day-five-paragraphs-and-out size - I do mean 3 or 4 pages long, but meaty and succinct. They are for when I want to read but don’t have the patience to start digging into a book. Magazines also provide a bit of a pulse into what’s going on in certain segments of the world.

At the Random household, we get an amazing number of magazines: National Geographic, Communication Arts, Metropolis, Dwell, American Prospect, Rolling Stone, In Style, Cooking Light, Sunset, The New Yorker. I used to get Atlantic Monthly for the longest time, until they started turning into another Economist and said they were dropping fiction. Used to get The Economist, but that was way expensive. Used to get Vanity Fair, but I let that lapse, but may get it again since some of the Atlantic Monthly’s previous editors have come on board.

I used to get a couple of literary magazines, Tin House and The Sun, but as of late I’ve let them lapse too. I sometimes get Rosebud when I see it on the magazine stand, but I’m not much around magazine stands these days.

My guilty pleasure is the British women’s magazine, Red, which is like Cosmo but for adult women and with much better writing. That I have to seek out each month and buy at the bookstore, because it would be incredibly expensive to get a subscription.

The problem with magazines is that for some reason the subscriptions all come due in clumps, which makes it double hard to renew. They also send out notices 6 months before the subscription runs out, and then send you a new notice about every other week until forever. That is beyond annoying . . .

Another problem is that sometimes I get so busy in the evenings that the magazines stack up, and they call to me, taunting “Read me! Read me!” So much pressure, so much guilt! It is especially true for Metropolis, Dwell, and Communication Arts since I do like to sit down with those and really dig into them, because those are subjects I am quite interested in learning more about.

I used to have a hard time getting rid of magazines . . . and I still do a bit. They are so expensive and so nice, you hate to be wasteful and throw them away! Some – like Metropolis and Communication Arts – are like reference materials, the sorts of things you want to keep around and reread again. Same for Tin House and The Sun. But then you have these stacks of clutter sitting around, so recently – but only occasionally – I’ve been starting to throw them out. I would like to give them to a library or something, but we never get quite that organized.

I wonder if anyone else is a magazine junkie like me? Or have any other irrational addictions that they’d like to share?

Poetry Day 11 - Cinquain

Today is definitely not one of my better days. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, had an early morning meeting today, and had to teach tonight. The creative juices aren't flowing too well . . .

But I want to keep this going and who knows? I may be able to rework this later . . .

Day 11 - Cinquain

Equal
Even, Level
Balance, Achieve, Emulate
Blissful, Joyful, Delighted, Gleeful
Mated

Poetry Day 10 - Diamonte

Today's poem is a Diamonte. it is a seven line poem that gradually changes from one idea to a directly opposite idea . . .

Despair
Pessimistic, Miserable
Distressing, Disheartening, Discouraging
Desperation, Melancholy, Longing, Wish
Yearning, Dreaming, Desiring
Expectant, Optimistic
Hope

Poetry Day 8 and Day 9 - I AM . . .

Since I missed a day last week, I'm doubling up today. This actually turned out pretty well because these two exercises are very similar - Both are two versions of "I Am . . ." poems.

Day 8 – I Am (version 1)

I am
Designer, Planner, Thinker
I like to both read about the world and be IN the world.
Honesty, Creativity and Intelligence are important to me.
The world is an awesome place with much to discover
I want to be open to experience
I am afraid and fear holds me back
But eventually curiosity overcomes it and pushes me forward
I love the kindred spirits I have met along the way
I am grateful to know people who accept others for who they really are
I hate intolerance and inflexibility
I am.

Day 9 – I Am (version 2)

I am a designer and a student
I wonder what my future holds
I hear the hustle and bustle of distant cities
I see the images of communities I hope to create
I want to learn more about the world
I am a designer and a student

I pretend to design a home for us to live
I feel the light and openness around me
I touch you as we sit together on the porch
I worry that our dreams will never come to pass
I cry at the thought of growing apart
I am a designer and a student

I understand that fulfilling our desires is hard
I say the future will bring us happiness, whatever form it takes
I dream that we explore the world together
I try to stay optimistic
I hope my demons do not hold me back
I am a designer and a student

Reminder: What I'm doing

As the month goes on, and the posts begin to scroll into the archives, I just want to remind folks what I'm doing here . . .

April is National Poetry Month. It is also the one year anniversary of this blog. I did not think that I could keep the blogging up for this long, but I have - which is a major milestone of sorts for me . . .

Anyway, this month I am doing the exercises found here:
The English Room: 30 Days of Poetry
http://www.msrogers.com/English2/poetry/30_days_of_poetry.htm

I do hope some of you will play along, if you can. I know the poetry I'm doing isn't the best, but having to come up with brilliant poetry everyday is pretty difficult - especially after a long day of work! I hope that at the end of the month, I will have the raw materials to be able work over some of these horrid little poems and make them a bit better. This exercise is instilling much better discipline in me to write everyday - with a topic to address, it does make things easier . . .

Wish me luck for Week 2!

Poetry Day 7 - Just Because . . .

Yikes! I missed a day! I hope to catch up this weekend, so that means three poems in 48 hours. Can I do it? We'll see . . .

Here is the Day 7 Poem:

Just Because . . .

Just because I love you
Doesn’t mean I’m never lonely
And shouldn’t imply that I’m not scared
Or that I’m not insecure anymore

Just because I love you
Doesn’t mean I’ve stopped growing
Or ceased wanting to explore other places
Or finished struggling with who I am

Just because I love you
I know you feel the same
And are lonely and scared and insecure and growing and struggling too

Just because I love you
We’ll endure these travails together
We’ll muddle through each day
And become stronger together than alone.

Poetry Day 6 - I Don't Understand

Today's exercise - Begin a poem with "I don't understand . . ." List three things you don't understand about the world or people. Name the thing you don't understand most of all. End the poem with an example of something you do understand . . .

So without further ado:

I Don't Understand

I don’t understand
Why we have to get older
Why things have to change
Why people we love have to go away

But most of all I don’t understand
Why can’t the people we know so well
And who know the real us
Why can’t they always stay in our lives
Why can’t we stay the perfect age for a few years
And not worry about being too old to do everything we want
Why we can’t just stop time for a while
And let the moments with our loved ones last forever

What I understand most is
People come and go in our lives for a reason
And become a part of us
And help make us who we are
Life is short
We can’t worry about getting older
We can do as much as we can while we are here
And love each other as long as we can.

Shedding My Insecurity Blanket

Thanks to everyone who commented . . . I really do appreciate you all stopping by!

I know that it really shouldn't matter - I really should be just writing for myself - but in the very act of having a blog, once you get comments a few times, you find that you really enjoy having people respond to your work . . .

. . . and you get used to it and look forward to it . . .

. . . but one day everyone gets pretty busy, and you can't update as much, and you do a few hysterical posts because life gets SO stressful, and sometimes people can't comment as often . . . and then when you do post you wonder, "hey, did I scare everyone away?" . . .

At least, that's what us incredibly insecure souls do . . .

. . . I probably should get some more hobbies . . . :-)

Poetry Day 5 - Three Word Forms

For this type of poem, each line is made up of three words. The last two words become the first two words of the next line. The resulting set of images should tell a story . . .

Procession

Birth, infancy, childhood
Infancy, childhood, teenage
Childhood, teenage, college
Teenage, college, job
College, job, rent
Job, rent, marriage
Rent, marriage, mortgage
Marriage, mortgage, pregnancy
Mortgage, pregnancy, parenthood
Pregnancy, parenthood, midlife
Parenthood, midlife, retirement
Midlife, retirement, grandparenthood
Retirement, grandparenthood, decline
Grandparenthood, decline, illness
Decline, illness, demise
Illness, demise, eternity.

I feel compelled to add that after I wrote this, I felt very depressed . . . I showed it to Mr. Random and he reminded me that most of this process is happy and affirming, that I shouldn't dwell on the sad parts . . . Mr. Random is an awesome guy that way . . .

We interrupt the horrible poetry for this update . . .

Week two of the new position is moving along. We're currently looking for an admin person to round out the department, but the pay for it is dismal. The VP was hoping to hire someone with a bit of experience, but anyone with any amount of decent experience will already be making much more than we are offering. The pay is better suited for someone straight out of college - someone who wouldn't mind living at home for a while or living in a group house with 5 other people, because that's just how crappy the pay is . . .

Random Cat is driving us bats with her constant begging and hunting for more food. However, she does seem to be losing a little bit of weight . . .

Mr. Random and I took both of my parents out to dinner on Saturday, since both of them turned 60 within a week of each other . . . and I can't believe that my parents are 60! I can barely believe that I'm 35 . . . I can't imagine how they must feel . . .

My dad is getting restless after 1 month on retirement. We keep saying he should get another job doing something he loves . . . going to the gym at noon everyday and hanging out around the house is getting pretty old to him. You know, if I was retired, I know PLENTY of things that I'd love to do . . . as they say, youth is wasted on the young and retirement is wasted on those who can't seem to get into relaxation mode . . . I guess part of the problem is that my mom isn't retired yet, so they can't go hang out on a beach somewhere for a month . . .

Only one month more of teaching ESL before summer break! I can't wait . . . I really need the break. My class has been awesome this semester though, but I hope after the summer that they might stick me in a different level - that will change things up a little. A new book, a new language level might energize me a bit more. Can't forget the candy though - it seems to be the main thing that keeps my students coming back . . .

Tonight we talked about weddings, and one of the students happened to have her wedding pictures with her. She's a very young Russian woman and she got married three months ago to an Air Force guy who looks WAY older. Actually he seems kind of creepy, but she seems to be happy with him . . .

The weekend was lovely and I will need another one like it soon . . .

If anyone's around, comment if you get a chance . . . I'm starting to get a complex and feel abandoned . . . :-)

Poetry Day 4 - List Poem

Why I write . . .

I write because I want to
I write because I have to
I write to get my feelings OUT!
So they are not bottled up inside . . .

I write because I want to connect
I write because I have something to say
I write even though I’m not good at it
But I’m hoping to get better . . .

I write because I need to
I write because words are beautiful
I write to see what sticks . . .
I only hope someone out there wants to read . . .

Poetry Day 3 - Opposites

Keeping the ball rolling on our Poetry Month series, today's activity had to do with "Opposites."

Choose two things that are opposites. The poem whould be two or four lines long and the first two and last two lines should rhyme . . .

My poem for today is:

The opposite of love
Does not come from above
It comes from deep within
And can turn your heart to tin.

Indifference can be too much to bear
From someone who gave you so much care
You’d rather have the passion of hate
Than the coldness they’ve shown you as of late.

Ugh . . . OK, it's not my best, but it's a start . . .

Poetry Day 2 - Synonym Poetry

For today, we were supposed to choose any word we want, then write that word in capital letters on the first line. In a thesaurus, look up three to five synonyms for the word. Write the synonyms on the second line, then on the third line write a descriptive phrase about the word. Line two and line three should rhyme . . .

It was such a beautiful day today! Spring is in the air, everything is starting to become green, there are more people out and there is a little hop in everyone's step. People are wearing shorts again and the pale, bare legs are starting to soak in the warming sun and get a little color . . .

Spring is happy! Spring is hopeful! Spring makes the heart look at the future with joy and put aside for a while the clouds of gloom . . .

In that spirit, here are my poems for today:

JOYFUL
Thrilled, delighted, gleeful, jubilant, bliss
My feeling at your glance, touch and kiss . . .

LIGHT
Brilliance, radiance, luster, incandescence
My face shines whenever I reside in your presence . . .

ADMIRE
Respect, appreciate, applaud, esteem, adore
You continually inspire me to accomplish more . . .

HOPE
Longing, wishing, craving, yearning
Instilling the desire to always continue learning . . .

FUTURE
Anticipations, expectations, prospects, outlook
Our time together is a delectably unwritten book.

Poetry Month - Day 1: Random Haiku

For Day 1 of "30 Days of Poetry," you're supposed to do Concrete Poetry - using words and their physical formation to create poetry. However, I don't have a scanner here, so there's no way I could draw a picture sufficient to demostrate this type of poetry, so I've gone to the old standby - Haiku - to start the first day of Poerty Month.

It's not very good, but at least it's a start. And by writing it down for posterity, it will give me the chance to rework it at a later date . . .

Spring Saturday Morning

Random Cat stands poised
As bird music fills the air
Aching to burst out

Thin screen holds her back
Bringing fresh spring air inside
Scents of buds and grass

Who wants to stay in
When nature beckons out?
Both cat and girl agree.

It Begins Again . . .

It’s that time of year again . . . April is National Poetry Month!

If you want to read up on a little bit of the background of Poetry Month, visit here: http://www.poets.org/page.php/prmID/41

I love words. I love how words fit together, how they bring about images and emotions. I love how words sound when spoken. I love a clever turn of phrase. In a parallel universe, I am sure I am a writer and editor at some publishing company. It feels like a calling that was somehow thwarted early on in my life experience . . .

I love poetry, even though I don’t read or write much of it in my daily life. So many different things going on, so much to read, everything competing for one’s attention. My mother taught us Edgar Allan Poe poems when my sister and I were little, and I loved all of the rhyming and alliteration. Dr. Seuss. Nursery rhymes. Robert Frost. Emily Dickinson. Dorothy Parker. Chaucer. Langston Hughes. Shakespeare. So many poets, discovered and undiscovered . . .

One of the reasons that I started this blog last year was that Justrose at the Anonymous Rowhouse had been doing a poem a day on her blog, and I commented so much that I thought, “Well, why can’t I do this?” . . .

So here we all are, almost one year later. This year, I want to celebrate the whole month by doing a series of lessons that I found on the web here:

The English Room: 30 Days of Poetry
http://www.msrogers.com/English2/poetry/30_days_of_poetry.htm

The activities are geared toward middle school and high school students, which is great! I think it will be easier for me to keep up with daily if the activities aren’t too complicated. Now some of the lessons do look rather challenging, but in a good way . . .

I’d love it if some of you could do some of the exercises with me and post what you come up with in the comments for each day. I know that all of you are excellent writers and I am eager to see what other folks can pull off . . .

Are you all game? I’m so excited!

Crickets Chirp . . .

The blog sits silent.

It is like a ghost town found in a movie western. The tumbleweeds blow past the abandoned buldings. Torn curtains flit in and out of broken six-pane windows. It is night and the moonlight casts bright light on the streets, causing long shadows on the ground from the hitching posts and the dry water troughs . . .

A candle is seen in one of the upstairs windows - the only sign of life for miles. The small flame flickers and twinkles. Your eye is drawn to it. You wonder what's going on up there. Who lives there? What are they doing? Have they moved on? . . .

Do you go into the building and see if anyone is there? Do you throw rocks at the window to see if anyone comes out? Are you curious? Or do you just move on? . . .

Tuesday Quick Thoughts

. . . Random Cat now throws little "temper tantrums" if we don't respond to her requests for more food. Has anyone ever seen a cat have a hissy fit? Mr. Random said he never saw anything like it when his family had cats . . . this "cat-kins" diet is going to drive us all crazy . . .

. . . I spent most of the weekend at work, cleaning out my office and setting up files. I refuse to do anything work related this weekend - I have a migraine now as it is . . .

. . . The taste of Black Cherry Vanilla diet coke reminds me of the taste of Vick's Formula 44D cough syrup. Ick! . . .

. . . My reading list is on hold until this weekend . . .

. . . Both of my parents are turning 60 within the next few weeks. I can't believe that they are 60! It's hard enough getting my head around the fact that I'm 35 . . .

. . . ESL class tonight. I'm hoping that this migraine fades away enough in time for me to be my usual peppy teacher self. I hate teaching when I'm tired and distracted - these folks deserve better than that for only one night a week from me . . .

. . . It's been quiet around here the last few days. I know I've been super busy - I hope everyone is doing well! . . .

A Child of Friday

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child must work for a living,
But the child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is fair and wise and good and gay.

It's Friday!

The week is finally over.

I was going to stay late tonight and start throwing out old files, but I am just so tired that I just want to go home and pass out from exhaustion in front of the TV. I'll probably come in tomorrow instead and make the most of the daylight .

Thanks for all of the comments, you guys! It really lifts my spirits to see them - then I don't feel like I am scaring everyone away with my thoughts . . .

On another blog, someone wrote about how they feel like they are writing for an audience, and because of that they are very careful that they stay to the image that they portray. (Or something like that, my brain's a little fuzzy at the moment . . .)

Sometimes I think twice about writing all of my worries and complaints onto the blog. Will everyone think I'm a real depressing person? That all I do is sit around and moan and complain?

But I think about it like this: Sometimes I am happy. Sometimes I am sad. Somtimes I am a worrywart and overscheduled and frantic and neurotic and depressed. Sometimes I am happy and laid-back and flexible and funny and cheerful and helpful and artistic. It's all me, warts and all . . . and everyone is like this. That what makes reading blogs so wonderful - we all experience similar things and can comiserate and offer suggestions and words of comfort . . .

So while I'll try to tone down the whining again, just know that I'm glad that I was able to share it with you all instead of letting it all bottle up inside . . .

Everyone have a wonderful weekend!

The Chronicles of Insomnia

(Title inspired by the Saturday Night Live Skit/Video . . . I wish I could remember the words . . .)

I haven’t been sleeping very well again this week. I fall asleep almost right away, but then I wake up again a couple of times a night and have a bit of trouble trying to get back to sleep. So much going on . . . so many things to think about . . .

Last night I had a dream that I couldn’t find my driver’s license, and my friend and I kept looking in pockets and coats and everything to try to find it, but to no avail. We found a lot of old IDs of other people, but not mine. So we tried to make a new one. I don’t remember how or if it ended, because I woke up again . . .

Gee, does this symbolize something? Hmmmm . . .

Anyway, this being the last week in the old department, I’m trying to clean things up, but not doing a good job of it. I’m not changing offices or anything, and there isn’t anyone who is going to be taking over my duties right away. So I’m going to be staring at all of the same stuff while trying to get into a new mindset. I’m going to come in sometime this weekend to purge my office and get rid of a lot of files that I haven’t looked at for years and noone else will care about. That should help a little . . .

I told the ESL people that I’m not going to teach this summer, but will do so again in the Fall. (I’ve taught through all the semesters since September 2004.) Yay! And I resigned from the church board that I had been on because I just couldn’t handle doing much more than choir. Yay! So now the summer evening should be free to do whatever! Hooray! . . .

A ton of weight should be lifted off of my shoulders . . .

But whenever I go several days without a good foundation of sleep, I start getting very cranky and extremely sensitive to everything. So today I came into the office and immediately things started to go wrong. Well, not wrong, but extremely annoying things are happening that I really didn’t want to deal with today. Can’t this stuff wait until next week? . . .

I need a vacation in the worst way . . . I want to go somewhere else for a couple of days and not have to worry about this random stuff for a little while. I need time to mentally transition and prepare. I thought things were going to get better, but they aren’t quite yet. I’m trying to keep a stiff upper lip . . .

I guess the main thing I need right now is some sleep . . .

A Gold Pin and a Hearty Handshake

My father is officially retired as of March 1 of this month. Hurray! He worked for a large multi-national corporation for 33 years, starting out in 1972 as a lowly clerk in the credit department, working his way up the ranks, getting transferred to a different state and having to move his family, surviving a corporate merger and dodging through many layoffs. The company held a retirement luncheon for him yesterday and, besides my mom, my youngest sister, Mr. Random, and myself were all in attendance . . .

There were people there from all parts of his career – from his days starting out in Philly, to those who mentored him and assisted him in his diversity training days, to those who worked with him in his current department until he retired. There were many speeches – people stating how much they learned from my dad, how much joy and professionalism he brought to his job, how he knew his stuff. My dad even mad a short speech – made all the remarkable because he never makes short speeches, but also he said told us later that he had to cut it short because he was about to cry . . .

Can anyone imagine working in the same place for 30 years anymore? I mean, even if you wanted to? This morning I was watching CNBC, and the reporters were talking about how GM and its unions were about to make a statement about buyouts for 100,000 of its workers. (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/22/AR2006032200576.html) One of the reporters remarked that maybe now the GM workers would finally realize that “the gravy train was over.” Gravy train? Are these people on crack? These people work hard for their paychecks and have for most of their lives, depending on the money to live on and raise families and all people ask is to be paid a decent wage and have some decent benefits. But that’s not supposed to be a given anymore. Today the attitude seems to be “you should be glad that we even pay you . . .”

During my lunch, my dad talked about how their company was continuing to move jobs overseas, because a guy with an MBA and 10 years experience living in Bangkok only gets $20K a year – so of course it’s cheaper to go over there. Many of their departments are getting shipped elsewhere – Canada, Argentina, Thailand, Mexico . . .

I guess I’m writing this because even on this happy occasion, I am scared. I’m scared because me and Mr. Random aren’t going to have a pension to fall back on, like my parents. I’m scared because we may be fighting Random Cat #8 for the tuna fish. I’m scared, because we just may have to have kids so we have a chance of not ending up out on the street. Yes, we have our 401Ks and IRAs, but they’ve gone up and down so much who knows how much we’ll have in a 30-35 years – and even then it probably won’t be enough. I’m scared because no one seems to care that decent paying jobs are disappearing and lousy paying ones are popping up in their place – and even those aren’t certain. I’m scared because now businesses only care about employees in so much as how much they can use them up before they throw them away – and then wonder why no one feels particularly productive . . .

I guess it will be OK – working for a non-profit, people will always need help of some sort, and will need people to provide that help, person to person – but if I were just coming out of school right now, I would have no idea what to do or what sorts of plans to make . . .

Seeing someone retire just makes you start thinking of your own future all the more. Peering into the abyss, what is in store for us? I doubt that when it is our time we’ll get a gold pin and a hearty handshake. I envy my dad, now deciding what he wants to do next and having the luxury to pick and choose his projects . . . will I ever be able to do that? Will you? . . .

Random Kath's Spring Reading List

Yesterday, I promised to list the books for you that I currently have on my nightstand, just waiting to be read:

Ways of Seeing – John Berger
On Photography – Susan Sontag
How to Look at Everything – David Finn
The Language Police – Diane Ravitch
The Sound on the Page – Ben Yagoda
House Thinking – Winnifred Gallagher
Home: A Short History of an Idea – Witold Rybczynski
The Year of Magical Thinking – Joan Didion
The Crimson Petal and the White – Michel Faber

Only one of the books, The Crimson Petal, is fiction (and good and trashy fiction, at that!). The first four books are borrowed, either from the library or from a friend, so those need to be read within the next few weeks. There is a definite grouping to some of my choices. Berger, Sontag, Finn. Ravitch and Yagoda. Gallagher and Rybczynski. I’ll try to keep you up to date on what I’ve read and let you know if I’ve added any more.

Remember, this is just a small fraction of the books I have that are just waiting to be read. I have another bookcase-and-a-half of things I need to read – both fiction and non-fiction.

If anyone else has a bunch of books they are going to read this spring, please share your list in the comments – I’d love to see what other people are reading and what subjects you are interested in . . .

New Random Links

Yesterday I put some new links on the sidebar and took away some that I hardly ever clicked. Check some of the new folks out – you may or may not like them, but these links more accurately reflect my myriad interests . . .

I have that stupid “I’m in Love with a Stripper” song stuck in my head. First of all, why is this stupid song on the radio? What sort of message are people sending here? Now, if I thought the song was done tongue-in-cheek, I wouldn’t be so squeamish, but if you ever see the video – and oh, there is a video – you would think “WTF?” . . . The tune is rather catchy though, darn them . . .

Saturday, I went back to the National Cathedral. (http://www.cathedral.org/cathedral/) It is an architecturally stunning, awe inspiring and incredibly humbling building to stand inside of. Even if you aren’t religious, you can still appreciate the scale and power and resources that went into constructing such a cathedral . . . if you are ever in D.C. and tire of the Smithsonian museums, do catch a cab and see it. I would love to go back to visit during a concert – I am certain that acoustics for choir and/or organ must be amazing . . .

I might be taking a few trips this spring. My grandmother has finally settles in Birmingham, AL and it would like to go down there for a weekend and visit. Also, my friend, L, goes to law school in NYC and I’d like to visit her before she graduates and comes back down here. I’ve never been to either place before, and I am excited at the prospect of going out on my own . . .

I need to post the list of books that are on my nightstand, waiting to be read. You all might get a kick out of the list, and it might inspire me to actually start and finish reading some of them . . .

I told you all that I read Ways of Seeing, and was going to read it again, but my friend told me that I definitely should read Susan Sontag’s On Photography as a companion piece, and now I’m on a mission to get a copy. What? You say I already have too many books in stacks to read, why am I seeking out another book? . . . I’m in the mood, so sue me . . .

I hope everyone had a great weekend. This should be an interesting week . . .

To Do or Not to Do . . .

Today I happened to stop by Poetry Daily and this poem caught my attention. It means something to me, but I’m still trying to figure out what it is . . . does it mean I should stop waiting and do the somethings that I want to do? Should I stop fretting about the things that I haven’t done and just go with the flow? I can be so dense about these things sometimes . . .

Undid in the Land of Undone
By Lee Upton

All the things I wanted to do and didn't
took so long.
It was years of not doing.

You can make an allusion here to Penelope,
if you want.
See her up there in that high room undoing her art?

But enough about what she didn't do —
not doing
was what she did. Plucking out

the thread of intimacy in the frame.
If I got to
know you that would be

— something. So let's make a toast to the long art
of lingering.
We say the cake is done,

but what exactly did the cake do?
The things undid
in the land of undone call to us

in the flames. What I didn't do took
an eternity —
and it wasn't for lack of trying.

It's Not Easy Being Green

When I used to work for a large, venerable accounting/consulting firm in the eary 90's, I had a friend/co-worker, WW, with whom I used to hang out on weekends and do random stuff like go to bar crawls and clubs. He was 6-6, blond and from Iowa, and we were quite an odd pair of friends. Nothing romantic, just liked hanging out. He was like a big brother and I was like a little sister . . .

Anyway, WW had a group of friends in his apartment complex that he liked to hang out with too. They were all on a rec league volleyball team together and eventually the group all paired off and got married, including WW . . .

But before the pairing, WW always considered St. Patrick's Day to be a personal holiday. He would always take the day off work, and he and his friends would meet downtown at 11 am and start their own personal bar crawl from one Irish bar to another, eventually ending up in Old Town at Murphy's or Ireland's Own. Every year for the 4 years I knew him he did this . . .

One year I decided to meet up with him and his crew after work, meeting them all at 5:30 in Old Town . . .

Now, I'm not a big drinker - I just like hanging out and talking with folks and listening, so I'd usually order a coke, or if I'm very enterprising I'll have a cider or two, or nurse a Guinness through the evening, with a glass of water. I've never been one to get drunk, especially after walking many of my friends home and watching them puke in various places - never seemed inviting to me . . . I wonder why . . .

Anyway, I get to the pub and it is packed - line out the door - but WW told me where to walk to around back that would allow me to get inside . . .

Do you remember what keg parties smelled like at the end of the night, and the way everyone looked and acted? The sort of widespread drunken stupor, the forced hilarity, the pervasive damp, yeasty smell? That's what I walked into. Not everyone in the place was like that, but a good portion were . . . and especially WW and his group of friends . . .

It really wasn't very fun to be there. They were all three sheets to the wind, and had been for a while. They all had these inside jokes from whatever other escapades went on that day, which actually didn't sound quite as funny as they tried to convey. My friend was pretty much incoherent. I didn't stay very long . . . I normally don't like small crowded spaces, and this was way too many people for me . . . and I was kind of wondering what I was doing there . . . so I tottled off and went home . . .

So when people talk about celebrating St. Patrick's Day, I always think of my drunk, smelly friends, crammed into a bar and getting various beverages spilled on me . . . I'm all for wearing the green, but not for much else about the day . . .

. . . There is one other connotation for St. Patrick's Day that makes it a rather bittersweet day for me . . .

On St. Patrick's Day 1987, two things happened almost simultaneously: I got my acceptance letter into the college I really wanted to go to . . . and I found out that my favorite Grandpa died. . . .

I had just talked to him on the phone a week or so before, and made him promise that he would come to my high school graduation. I think at that time he knew he was dying, but he didn't want me to know. I will always remember, after the fact, the pause he gave before he said yes . . . that should have been a hint, but I wasn't looking for it . . . I wanted him to be proud of me . . . he had always encouraged me so much and always took the time to talk with me. Even after we moved away from Philly, we still felt rather close . . .

So here was what should have been one of my happiest days, mitigated by losing one of the people that I loved most in the whole wide world . . .

. . . I don't know how to end this post actually. Is it a lesson in taking the bad with the good? Am I trying to say that St. Patrick's Day is ultimately a real downer in my book?

. . . All I know is that, as I still struggle with transitioning into my promotion and dealing with life in general . . .

. . . I'm hoping that my Grandpa is looking down and being proud of me. And knowing that especially on St. Patrick's Day, I think of his jolly soul and wear green to also celebrate his spirit . . .

. . . And with that in mind, it gets easier to wear green every year . . .

Freaky Thursday

Today is the last day for the co-worker that I am replacing. I am in a full fledged, paralyzing panic at the moment - still so many questions, still not quite up to speed on a lot of stuff. After today I will be a department of one until the middle of April . . .

Since I'm so freaked out, you all won't get much of a post today. Please send any good vibes you can my way . . .

Hurry UP, Spring!

. . . Do you ever wake up with a feeling of dread sitting in the pit of your stomach, but you can't quite place why? Well, that was me this morning . . .

. . . ESL class last night was a bit of a mess, but that was entirely my fault. I couldn't really concentrate very well, and my transitions between topics were really clunky. We worked on irregular past tense verbs much longer than we should have, so we did not get to do an entire chapter that I meant to cover. Attendance has not dropped off, though, which is a good sign. Maybe people just come for the free chocolates . . .

. . . Choir practice tonight, but nothing scheduled for tomorrow night. Yay! I may actually get to start reading one of the books on my stack, or fall asleep by 9 PM - either option would be good with me . . .

. . . Hope to take some pictures this weekend using my Holga camera. It's a "toy" medium format, B&W film camera . . . it only costs $20 and is notorious for its light leaks, but I can't wait to finally try it. Loading the camera is quite challenging though - the film doesn't have a case, per se, and you have to manually spool the film into the camera. We'll see how it goes. If it does work, then I have to figure out how to get the film developed . . . maybe I can pay a photography student to do my negatives for me? . . .

. . . Spring brings thoughts of gardening. I have no garden, but I'm hoping this year we can do a container garden on the balcony, or at least do some hanging plants or something . . . our balcony is so bare . . .

. . . Did I tell you how much I hate meetings? Argggh. I have quite a few today, which means not much will get done that needs to get done . . .

. . . Today is the Ides of March. I almost forgot. Does my feeling of dread mean that some Caesar-esque calamity is about to befall me? Oy, that's just what I need now . . .

. . . Despite my many grumblings, things are going pretty well. I am still having to do way too much stuff, but promise of Spring and the sunny day today are lifting my spirits a little. I hope I can keep the optimism going . . .

Holding Patterns

I got a lot of work done today. The Random Non-profit had given us today off because of the Board meetings over the weekend, but I have so much work to get done that I just had to work on some things anyway. I finished a draft of a newsletter and made good headway on two funder reports. Sometime this evening I have to do a lesson plan for ESL class tomorrow, then I’ll be done for the day . . .

Yesterday we went out and ran a bunch of errands, taking advantage of the nice weather. We went to the bookstore so that Mr. Random could redeem his birthday gift cards, but somehow I ended up getting a couple of books for myself . . . not that I don’t already have stacks of books to read, you know. I must be stopped! However, in my defense, one of the books was a new, better Thesaurus, but there was really no good excuse for the other two . . .

Mr. Random did have a good birthday dinner on Saturday. Many of his friends showed up and brought him numerous gift cards, which were spent in the aforementioned spree . . .

Yesterday I also spent a large amount of time cleaning off my desk here in the Den – it was so covered with piles of papers that you could not actually see the surface of the desk, nor could you actually use the laptop computer that was buried somewhere in the mess. Now, there is plenty of surface area and I am happy to have my writing spot back again. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, it seems that my organization skills fall by the wayside, thus making me feel MORE scattered because everything is such a mess. I am hoping that cleaning the desk will bring good karma over into the rest of the week, so that I don’t feel so . . . so . . .

I’m hoping to have a little more time to read this week. Whenever I get to do a lot reading, the quality of my writing immediately improves. This only happens when I read actual books, though, magazines don’t quite engage the thought processes as much as reading 100 pages does . . . Is that just me? . . .

Looking at the side of the blog, I notice that I have been doing this for almost a full year. I did not think it would last this long, and it did not turn out the way I had hoped – I always imagined writing smart, sassy opinion pieces commenting on the news of the day. Instead you get semi-incoherent ramblings from someone who is neurotic and overscheduled . . .

But you know what? For better or for worse, this blog does reflect a lot of who I am and what I struggle with each day. . . and I don’t mind it at all. I do wish I could come have tea with you, my few faithful readers, to thank you for listening to my mutterings, but instead know that I think about you guys and worry about you everyday . . .

Until tomorrow! . . . unless it gets way busy – then it will be sometime soon . . .

Five Weird Things About Me

Wow, a rare Sunday morning post! I skipped church this morning, which allowed me a little time to write . . . I'm so glad to have this quiet time, and I desparately needed it, but the theological implications are a bit unsettling . . .

Virginia Gal dinged me on this meme, so here goes . . .

Only five? Dear me . . . I’m sure many of my friends can think of many more than that . . .

(1) I won’t eat anything left in the refrigerator more than 24 hours and I have the tendency to always quickly inspect and sniff at food before I eat it. This is a residue of having a father who grew up in the projects with 12 brothers and sisters and never wanted to throw food away. When my sister and I were little, my dad would heat up old stew for lunch on Saturday (even though we had it on Sunday) and it would all be a shade of GRAY. Condiments would be used for months and months after their expiration dates. My dad would cut mold off things and eat them. I think this was one of the reasons that I was very skinny as a child, because I was always too grossed out to want to eat much of anything . . .

(2) It takes me at least an hour to wake up in the morning. I am not a morning person at all. Luckily, Mr. Random wakes up first and gets ready, then he wakes me up and hands me the paper. For an hour, while still in bed, I quietly and with bleary-eyes read the Post and glance up at the Today show once in a while to see if anything is going on that merits turning the sound up. I end by doing the Sudoku puzzle in the style section. Then my brain is awake enough to get up and shower and face the day . . .

Now if I absoulely need to get up right away, I can and do, but I am horribly out of sorts for the rest of the day. And don't ask me to drive first thing . . . that's much too dangerous . . .

(3) Even the thought of mayonnaise makes me ill – don’t even think of putting any on anything that you’d want me to actually eat. See weird fact #1. However, if it is freshly-homemade I’m all for it . . .

(4) I feel like I have to be prepared at all times, so I carry a ton of stuff in my purse. I always try to have band-aids, cough drops, hand sanitizer, lotion, tissues, pens, paper, allergy medicine, etc. on hand. It does come in handy though – just on Friday at a meeting someone had a nasty paper cut and bingo! I had some band-aids. I always feel like such a Mom at times that way . . . I guess it’s a by-product of my eager-to-please mentality . . .

(5) I’m really finicky about pens – they have to feel right and flow properly, or else I throw them in the trash with disgust. I am really possessive of the pens I do like, so if you borrow one, I will actually hound you to get it back, and watch you like a hawk until you do so. I like my pencils always sharpened to a nice point, and I adore mechanical pencils most of all – but there have to be refills close by. I like my books to remain in as pristine condition as possible, and when I borrow them I try very hard to make sure not to mess them up or spill crumbs. I like writing on graph type paper best, with college ruled paper close behind. I can’t deal with blank sheets very well – I tend not to be able to write in a straight line otherwise . . .

. . . so there's a brief glimpse into Random Kath's many quirks. I'm not a tagger, so anyone who wants to do this and hasn't yet may feel free to leave their five in the comments.

The weather is gorgeous in Northern VA this weekend and I hope to take a little advantage of that today, if it doesn't rain . . .

Happy Sunday!

Treading Water

. . . It's been a hard week. Juggling the work of two departments is driving me bats. If I had quit to take a job somewhere else, I don't think they would have dumped so much on me - I would have had time to finish up my projcts and been fresh for the new position. But no - because the person I am replacing is leaving next week, I am trying to cram learning everything she knows into my head two days a week and work on things for the new department, while still dealing with the dippiness of the old department . . . Arrrggh!

. . . What's a blog for, if not for venting? . . .

. . . Yesterday, the person they hired as my new boss came to town - she's not officially starting for another month - and we went to lunch and we were talking about all the cool stuff we want to do, and about her philosophy of fostering an environment of learning and excellence in the staff, and is big on professional development. Yay! But she is also very high energy and very chatty, which could make things very interesting in our dour little Non-Profit . . .

. . . Went to my first set of meetings yesterday, and even had a dinner meeting last night, and I felt so . . . overwhelmed. Actually, that doesn't begin to describe how I felt. I felt dowdy and clueless and short and tackily dressed and very insecure about myself in these new situations. There is just so much to know and absorb, and I feel very much out of my comfort zone - which is good! - but I am totally starting to have serious doubts whether I can pull this off well enough. Everyone is really happy that I have taken this position and thinks that I am a great fit, but it brings a lot of pressure, you know? If I do badly, I fell like I'll let everyone down, myself included, and it is freaking me out to no end . . .

I know I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself, and I blame that on the fact that I haven't had a true moment's peace all week. I hope that in a month or so, things will have evened out a bit and I can actually enjoy what I am doing . . . for now, I am totally NOT . .

. . . I was going to try to do absolutely nothing this weekend, but the old department wants me to finish up some funder reports and get out a newsletter by Tuesday, so I guess I'll be working a bit . . .

. . . However, Mr. Random's birthday dinner is Saturday night and that should be fun. And I hope to go shopping at some point and get some new clothes . . . maybe a suit or two, which should make me feel a bit more professional . . . if I look professional, I tend to feel better about myself since then I can at least tell myself that I look like I can do the job . . . and sometimes appearance is the reality . . .

. . . I have finished the book, Ways of Seeing, but I have to read it again to make sure I interpreted it correctly. It is a short book and a quick read - and I did get something out of it - but it was such a quick read that I want to make sure I didn't miss anything . . .

. . . Have a great weekend everyone! I wish you all well . . .

Waking up to a big cat head staring at me . . .

. . . Since the diet started, Random Cat now jumps up on the bed and meows directly into our faces to wake us up so she can be fed. Oh joy! . . .

. . . The Strategic Planning class I had last night went OK - you can only get a brief overview of the process in less than 2 hours. A lot of it I already knew just from being around for so long, but it was good to have what I knew confirmed as correct. I'm really getting excited about learning more organizational capacity stuff, since I am genuinely interested in making non-profits work better. Maybe it is a field of study I should look into more closely . . . although I have a feeling the classes and readings would just be dreadfully boring . . .

. . . I started reading a book called Ways of Seeing by John Berger. I only had a few minutes to start it before my class last night, and now wish a had a bit more time to focus on it since it cries out to be chewed on and thought about a bit . . . if I am able to give a book report, I definitely will . . .

. . . Somebody at work shared the DVD of Lilo and Stitch with me, since I said I never saw it and it is their favorite movie. Has anyone seen it? Is it cheesy in a good way? . . .

. . . ESL class tonight, talking about parts of the body, symptoms and illnesses. This lesson is always fun . . . somebody usually says something out of left field, and I'm hoping for that tonight . . . I desparately need a good laugh . . .

. . . If you haven't noticed, I'm going back to the random blog thoughts. If I don't do that, it will be weeks between posts . . . Hope everyone's doing OK . . .

It was the Best of Weekends, It was the Worst of Weekends . . .

Some randomness to start off the week . . .

Watched most of the Oscars last night. I thought that Jon Stewart was wonderful – I actually *watched* the whole thing and enjoyed it. This year was much less schmaltzy than past years, although I did like the Ben Stiller bit and Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell . . . I’m just warped that way. Wished they had showed crowd reaction to the Three 6 Mafia playing, since I don’t think that most of the academy crowd is big on hip-hop/rap. Tom Shales wrote a scathing review of the evening in the Post today and I seriously wonder what show *he* was watching. I know that he isn’t a big JS fan, but the show actually was pretty good, IMHO . . .

Saturday was just awesome. Went out to lunch with some “Odd Couple”-type friends in Old Town and got to see a bit of the St. Patrick’s Day parade. Any event in Old Town brings out everyone and their dogs, and there were quite a few cute little outfits and cute little dogs about . . . and really huge dogs, too. Then we hung out a bit and went to the National Cathedral, but didn’t get there in time to get a tour. It was really cold and windy, so while we started to walk around the gardens, it was just too cold to really enjoy. We’ll have to go back again when it is a little warmer. We then went and got coffee/tea and hung out a bit more. It was such a nice relaxing day, which has been so rare lately . . . I need to do that more often – I came home with such a smile on my face and so wide awake (although that may have been the caffeine from the chai . . .)

When I got home, Mr. Random was working on taking down more of the bathroom wallpaper. We try to give each other a day to do whatever on our own, since we see each other all day, everyday at the office . . .

I am so incredibly tired though . . . I haven’t been sleeping very well during the week again, and my attempts at catching up on sleep are always thwarted for some reason. On Sunday, I was just a mess – all of the stress of the past few weeks just caught up with me and I pretty much burst into tears after church was over. I was exhausted and probably should have just stayed home and slept that morning, but we had some pretty cool choir songs that we had been practicing for this week and I didn’t want to miss it. However, when I got there I still wasn’t quite awake, and then they started practicing a song where I had to hit a pretty high “G,” kind of out of nowhere and I couldn’t do it. I sounded AWFUL. And I felt so embarrassed and frustrated that I just nipped down to the bathroom and had a mini-breakdown. There is just too much going on right now, and I have to keep track of too many things in my brain, and I’m going to have to jettison something – probably something church-related because I’m already doing Choir on Wednesday nights, which is quite enough, I think . . .

I need to take some days off, but I can’t even consider it for another couple of weeks until after the Random Non-Profit’s Board meetings are over and my new boss comes on board. Yes, I know . . . there’s always an excuse . . .

I have another professional development class tonight, ESL tomorrow night, Choir on Wednesday night, and dinner with a couple of Board members on Thursday night. At some point, I have to get Mr. Random some presents for his birthday on Friday – I know exactly what I’m going to get him now – a couple of Jared Diamond (Germs, Guns and Steel and Collapse) paperbacks and a DVD or two. Saturday night we have dinner with a bunch of work friends, but Sunday I’m not going anywhere or doing anything . . . at least at this point . . .

I need to do some more book reading . . . maybe once I get a couple of books completed, I’ll feel more like actually writing something useful . . . my brain is such Swiss cheese right now, I couldn’t write a coherent thought even if I wanted to . . . this Blog is exhibit A on that right now . . .

I hope everyone else had fun this weekend – do share! It's been pretty quiet here for a while . . .

Slimming Down with the "Cat"kins Diet

Mr. Random's TV debut didn't turn out quite as hoped, but it was a great show otherwise. I could only recognize Mr. Random's calves and back of his hair, and that's because I'm his wife and am supposed to know stuff like that. It turns out more people were wearing red socks than I remembered - who knew? . . .

Mr. Random took the Random Cat to the vet for the first time since we adopted her four years ago. We generally have shied away from taking her out of the house since as a "shelter cat" who had been left at the shelter by *two* sets of previous owners, we really didn't want to cause her any more trauma than she's already had. However, Mr. Random's sister just had her two cats die within a week of each other, and Mr. Random was sufficiently spooked enough to want to get Random Cat checked out . . .

I wasn't able to go with them since I had meetings that morning, so Mr. Random had to go solo. He said it was heart-wrenching hearing her meows of fright as she was transported in the carrier in the car to the vet. That's why I'm glad I couldn't go - it would have made me so sad . . .

So the vet says that Random Cat is a bit overweight, which we knew . . . it's kind of obvious. It turns out that she is 12 pounds - 4 pounds over her proper weight. Wow! I didn’t know she was that much bigger . . . it would be like you had to lose 30% of your body weight in a year. So the vet has put her on a “cat”kins diet – now we have to give her ONLY wet food, which I don’t think she will mind very much. Dry food isn’t good for her, the vet said, because it is full of carbs and empty calories. Odd thing is that the canned food is better for her than the weight-loss pellets we had been mostly feeding her . . .

In this job transition period, I feel myself getting dumber. I am trying to keep so much stuff straight in my head, and I have so many people asking me about so many different questions about different things, my brain just can't take it anymore. I have taken to giving glazed, puzzled looks whenever anyone asks me anything - and usually the question is wildly out of context, so I have to respond "And this has to do with . . . ?"

This has been such a long week . . . I hope everyone has a great weekend - I certainly am going to try! Haven't ended with a poem in a while, so I hope you like this one . . .

Elegance
By Linda Gregg

All that is uncared for.
Left alone in the stillness
in that pure silence married
to the stillness of nature.
A door off its hinges,
shade and shadows in an empty room.
Leaks for light. Raw where
the tin roof rusted through.
The rustle of weeds in their
different kinds of air in the mornings,
year after year.
A pecan tree, and the house
made out of mud bricks. Accurate
and unexpected beauty, rattling
and singing. If not to the sun,
then to nothing and to no one.

Sunshine and Rain

. . . Tonight, 10 PM ET on Discovery Health, the show "Rebuilt" - if you watch you may see Mr. Random, he's on the subject's coed soccer team, they are all wearing orange team shirts. We haven't seen the show yet, but if you think you can pick out who Mr. Random is let me know and I'll tell you if you've guessed right. He would probably be very distinctive . . . the hint is the color of his socks . . .

. . . Things are fine between me and Mr. Random, Monday wasn't as dramatic as it sounded, although it seemed so at the time - it WAS a cranky day though. When you're working with your husband, everyday has the potential for drama as personal life sometimes seeps into the workday . . .

. . . I am overwhelmed with work transition stuff! What am I getting myself into? . . .

. . . ESL class went well last night - we are finally getting into a groove and the group is starting to gel. One of the students asked me about why "Flour, Flower, and Floor" all were spelled and sounded differently. Probably because they all come from different roots in different languages, I guessed, reiterating that "English makes no sense . . ."

. . . The air is so dry everywhere and it is driving me simply bats. My throat is constantly starting to bother me and I am getting sick of liquids and cough drops . . . I wouldn't mind a little humidity now and then to break up all of this recirculating air . . .

. . . For Lent, I am giving up anything "chip-related" - no potato chips, Doritos, tortilla chips . . . anything of that sort. I was pretty good about it last year, but in the last few months I've been downing chips like no tomorrow . . . this will be a good transition to help me get into shape for the spring and running season . . .

Hope everyone's weeks are going well! If you celebrate Lent, please share what you are doing for it, if anything . . .