Wile E. Coyote, Looking Up, Holding a Small Umbrella

I see that COTW is taking some time away after having a few life events happen. She does so much and is such an awesome person that it’s good to see her take some time to step back and rest and deal with all of the change around her.

Like I said earlier, I was sick last week, but it wasn’t really the flu – although that’s what I say because getting into what’s actually wrong with me would take too much time to get into normally.

The bottom line is that I woke up on Wednesday morning and had a huge panic attack. And then I couldn’t stop crying. Because it gets SO overwhelming sometimes – the whole grandma thing, the whole school thing, the whole work thing, the whole soon-we-are-going-to-owe-a-ton-in-student-loans thing – it all hangs over my head like an anvil being suspended by piano wire. There are a few other things going on that I haven’t had the nerve to talk about yet, but they weigh on me too.

I was so upset, Mr. Random thought that I should probably stay home. After much hemming and hawing, I agreed. I felt bad though, because my being so upset was making Mr. Random way late for work. Even when I’m not happy, I still feel worse because I’m ruining stuff for other people too. If it was just me, then I could just call in sick and be done, but when you factor other people who need me to do my part so they can do theirs, it feels such like a burden. My decisions affect others and that can make even simple decisions take forever for me.

I get tired of thinking sometimes. I want to step back and stop the show for a while and just not do anything for a while, except those things I like to do.

So Wednesday I just stayed home and slept a lot. I felt really run down and drained, so it seemed like my body was telling me that that’s what I needed. Towards the end of the day I started getting this huge headache coming on and by Thursday morning it hadn’t let up, and added some nausea in for good measure. However, I had a ton of things that needed to get done at work, so Mr. Random dropped me off as usual. Once at work, I holed up in my office, wrote the things I absolutely needed to write and then had someone take me home at noon. Then I slept some more. It’s a good thing that I went home, because between my head and my stomach, not much else was going to happen. (I know, TMI!) Friday, I made it to class and was able to send out a few work e-mails, but mostly I stayed low and didn’t do much.

Saturday was a bit of a reprieve, and my friend J and I were out and about, finding a new barbecue place for lunch and hanging out in a coffee shop afterwards, reading and working on random stuff. Then when Mr. Random got home we had dinner and walked around a bit (because I ate SO much that day!) My headache started coming back in full force that evening, and Sunday was spent just reading the paper and nodding off. Now here we are today . . . still having a low level headache and feeling blah, but at least I can somewhat function . . .

I am happy that I did well on my Econ exam, but am stressed out about this 30 page final paper that is due first week of May. I am stressed out about work because I am not really sure that I even want to be there anymore. More people are resigning, new people are coming in and I don’t know how I fit in the big picture anymore, or even if I want to fit in. I am stressed about Mr. Random’s mom coming in a couple of weeks. I am stressed out about what my future holds and other decisions that I have to make that will affect other people.

It is spring! The sun is shining and the weather is getting warmer. The summer lies before me – if all goes well my sister will be home from Iraq then – and I should be thrilled, but I’m not. I just see more . . . stuff going on, more stuff to navigate through and deal with.

I want a vacation from thinking about stuff for a little while – maybe just a month? What’s a month out of a lifetime of stuff to deal with, really? Why is this so hard to do?

I guess the whole “needing to earn a paycheck thing” has something to do with it. The whole “have to pay the mortgage” thing. I hate being responsible. Trying to be a grown-up sucks sometimes, really . . .

Sorry, guys, I just had to get this off of my chest. More cheerful posts will be forthcoming, I promise . . .

What's New, Pussycat? Woe, Woe, Woe

The Random Non-profit is wearying me to no end.

Sometimes you know that you have to make a change, but you don’t because there are always 8 million excuses – many very legitimate – but excuses just the same.

I think I am done freaking out about school for a while. Now I know how stuff works, what my schedule needs to be, what to expect, where I need to shore up my deficiencies. I can DO this! I am excited and confident. It may not go as perfectly as I hoped, but I can get through it pretty well I think. I have to keep in mind that the goal is to learn a lot and enjoy it . . . and get the piece of paper at the end so I can say I have one. Oh, and eventually get a Master’s degree. Because, that’s what I’ve wanted to do all along, but there’s the pesky thing about finishing undergrad. Mr. Random says I would do just as well as or better than the people in his program, and observing his work I’m like, “I can TOTALLY do that!” So I persevere.

The Random Non-profit? Not so much . . .

Since Mr. Random has moved on to another job and I have started school, I’m not as willing to suffer foolishness gladly anymore. I have other stuff to worry about. I’m not finding the same commitment or ardor in my work. Now, don’t misunderstand me, I am still very committed to the cause for which the organization labors and I still hold highly my interactions with the field and my determination to do my very best to provide them with the information and guidance that they need in an efficient and professional manner. It’s all this internal BS – all these roadblocks and layers and randomly annoying meetings – that has just pushed me to my limits. To use my favorite metaphor, I’m like a vacuum that can only suck up so much crap. The organization keeps going through the same cycles and questions and angst – which way do we want to go today? – and I’ve been here enough years to have been through three or four of these things, and each time the process was very long and drawn out and soul-killing.

I’ve worked in a number of places and I know that each place has its own problems and very special brands of dysfunction, but man! This place takes the cake. And I need to leave before I get so frustrated and angry that I damage my own reputation in a fit of pique. And it is getting to that point . . . getting wicked sick last week showed me that.

My life is more than my job. Yes, the job provides money which comes in rather handy, but it is no good if I spend every day with my stomach tied up in knots or crying out of utter frustration.

Parameters: Need flexibility to go to class two mornings a week. Can glom onto Mr. Random’s health insurance, but I can’t earn too much less than I’m earning right now, just because of the mortgage and stuff. Could freelance but no one I know is in need of any help right now, or they don’t have any money to hire me.

I have no idea what to do though . . . where do I begin? That is my question of the day. Need to figure it out fairly quickly . . .

Out of Breath

It has been a long, hard week. My Random Mom-in-law is still here, and we have spent every day since Friday out and about, trying to get in lots of sightseeing. It has not been very successful . . .

If you remember the last time she was here in town, it was that week in August that was the hottest, most humid week of the year. Random Mom-in-law was having a lot of trouble walking around and we all blamed it on the stifling heat and humidity (coupled with her non-stop smoking, but you know . . .)

Ever since then, she vowed to come back when the weather was a bit nicer. In the interim, she told us that she was starting to walk around a bit more at home and get more exercise . . .

Well, it seems that that was not entirely the case. She still smokes a great deal, about once every 50 minutes or so and whenever we leave a building or step out of a car. And she is not able to walk more than 20 feet without getting winded, even less if there is a slight incline. Since DC is a very walking oriented place, it rather limited our options on what we could see and how long we could stay. For example, yesterday we went to the National Cathedral and she looked like she was about to have a heart attack just walking the block towards the building. She was heavily breathing the whole 45 minutes we were there, and we were only able to visit the main floor and the gift shop – she was so worn out that we could not tour the rest of the building – before trudging back to the car to go to an early dinner. We had planned to visit another favorite haunt of ours, but she simply could not take much more walking and we had to go home.

It pains both Mr. Random and I to see this. We are both very concerned about her health. She is quite overweight, drinks a lot of white wine in the evenings and has a very nasty cough. It was quite a contrast when we went to visit my parents over the weekend – they are only a few years younger than she is – and seeing how vigorous and active they are compared to what she could do. Since she retired last spring, she stays mostly at home and is not interested in doing very much. She has very few friends outside of her old job . . .

We have tried to hint that she might like to move out here, where there is so much to do and a large social scene of people her age and with her background. There are many research opportunities here . . . and she would be a lot closer to her son and daughter-in-law. We are so afraid that she is not taking care of herself at all. Mr. Random’s sister still lives at home with their mom, but she does not seem to help the situation – for reasons I can’t go into right now . . .

I feel horrible because I want to be a good daughter-in-law and make sure she is happy, but I just get so . . . annoyed and impatient . . . with her in the condo, her presence looming and inert. I’m kind of an active girl, so not being able to go out and see very much drives me bats. Hanging out at the condo drives me bats too, because I can’t just hang out in my pajamas and read in a corner somewhere – I have to entertain, or at least not seem like I’m ignoring our guest. I was incredibly sick yesterday and wanted to stay home and sleep, but Mr. Random didn’t want to be on his own with his mom. I’m still not feeling well today, so he owes me big time when this is over . . .

I’m at work today and the weather seems nice, so things should be looking up for the rest of this week. I am resolved to try to salvage what I can out of this visit and try to make it a bit more positive, now that I have gotten my unhappiness off of my chest. Random Mom-in-law really is a cool person and I should try to focus more on what she can do, than what she can’t. Wish me luck for the rest of the week, and I’ll try to post more upbeat things later . . .

The Sound of the Other Dropping Shoe

Sorry guys – I haven’t been very communicative the past few days and I haven’t been perusing that many blogs. I haven’t fallen off of the face of the earth entirely and I did want to let folks know what’s up so far . . .

Mr. Random and I are still employed at the Random Non-Profit. The layoffs did occur on Friday morning, with the CEO and the Board chair walking around the halls, stopping in the offices of those who were being laid off. There were 8 people let go in all, out of a staff of less than 50, one whole department let go along with several longtime employees – one person had been here for 19 years. It was horrible and soul sucking and afterwards there was a horrible staff meeting that reached the heights of Dilbert-esque-ness. It is a lot to process, and while I am happy not to have lost my job, I really hate the whole way this was handled and the whole new outlook of the place. That’s all I will say for now on that topic . . .

It turns out that my sister that is going to Iraq on Thursday is actually going to be stationed in Bagdad, not elsewhere in Iraq as we had hoped. My parents are going down to visit her tomorrow to watch the deployment ceremony and say good bye. I am going to call her tonight when I get back from teaching. I am going to be perpetually worried about her now, even more than before . . .

Saturday was Mr. Random’s birthday and we held a really nice dinner at the local barbeque place, where lots of our friends showed up, and then we went to see the movie, “300.” I spent most of the movie looking at my scarf – it’s kind of violent – but Mr. Random and the other guys we were with really enjoyed it . . .

I’m kind of in a holding pattern right now – a lot to think about in my personal and professional lives, lots of big questions in my head. Is there something wrong with me or with the system? Do I want to change myself and my outlook or do I want to make the world change? Do I like who I am and where I am headed?

I’m just tired and trying to get through each day right now. I can’t wait for spring to get here and for the summer to begin . . .

I promise to be peppier later . . . I’m just a little cranky right now . . .

It's Going to Be a Long Week

Just when you think things can't get any worse . . .

We just received an e-mail tonight from the Random Non-profit CEO, stating that there probably will be layoffs within the next few weeks - the scope to be determined after the Board meetings this weekend.

Both Mr. Random and I work at the same place. We have already been through the shock stage and are now on the speculation stage. I guess I can always temp somewhere or go back to school . . . Mr. Random is already sending a flare out to his grad school cohorts to see if anything comes back . . .

Did I tell you that I get the results of my tests finally on Thursday afternoon? Yah, I've got that to look forward to this week too . . .

I think I'm getting an ulcer.

I'll keep you all posted . . .

Sunday Random Meditation

Sometimes you wake up and realize something you knew all along but just weren't paying attention enough to notice what it was . . .

Sometimes after you realize it, you then are faced with having to make the other parts of your life support that knowledge . . .

Sometimes you want change to happen immediately, but life doesn't - and can't - work that way . . .

How does one keep the faith in your gained knowledge when it feels like everything is conspiring not to let you achieve what you need to achieve? What is to keep you from saying "Oh, screw it. Let's just keep on keeping on . . ."

These are not entirely theoretical questions . . . but I'm just trying to figure things out in my head again. Sometimes I think I live too much in my head. (But it's so comfy! . . . although not helpful in getting things done . . .)

I just have to be paitent, but I don't want to . . . waaaah!

Gee, am I vague enough for you? I promise I'll let you all know once things are actually decided and in motion, otherwise, I feel like putting words to cyberspace would commit me to things I'm not ready to even speak aloud yet . . .

Let's just say it is another stepping stone to me finally being the me I want to be . . .

Un-Decking the Halls

Yesterday was a melancholy day for the Random Household. The Holiday season is now officially over, so Mr. Random and I spent part of Sunday afternoon removing all of the ornaments from the Christmas tree, taking down the lights and garlands and little accessories that decorated the condo, boxing everything up and putting those boxes away for another year . . .

It is a bit poignant to know that the season is over and that things have to go back to “normal” – whatever “normal” is. No more of the parties and decorations and extended days off that characterize the season – the easy-going atmosphere, the flexibility, the built-in excuses for connecting with family and friends – all of that gone and replaced by the relentless beat of “must get done, must finish.”

This is going to be an important, seminal year for me . . . I can feel it in my bones. However, I don’t know if this is a good development or a bad development and that tension . . . well, it’s a nervous feeling of expectation . . . that will be driven by actions that *I* set into motion, which makes it even scarier . . .

One worry is that it was confirmed that my sister is definitely going to be deployed to Iraq in March. My little sister! She won’t be able to come home before she goes overseas, so Friday was the last time I would see her in person for a while – having lunch with her, I tried to keep my fear and despair ducked down deep so that we could enjoy the day. She is very rational about the whole thing, although I know that she is worried, but she knows that her worry and fear will not be helpful to her getting through the experience. I need to learn to be able to do that too . . . but I am petrified! I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to see her changed. I don’t want her to go . . .

So I must stay busy and keep my mind off of it. My classes start again next week, so it is time to dust off the old ESL lesson plans and see what tweaking needs to be done. Last Thursday was our Volunteer Teachers’ meeting and I presented one of my lesson plans to the group. It was very well received and the staff thought that I did an excellent job of the organization and the incorporation of many different elements into the plan. It felt good to have that validation! A lot times I feel as if I have no idea of what I am doing, but after almost 3 years and much trial and error, I think I actually do have a good handle on what should be happening in a classroom setting. It makes me rethink whether this is something I may want to pursue for pay someday – as in, teaching ESL to adults in the evenings. Something to think about as I continue to make plans for the rest of the year . . .

News flash! Mr. Random’s Mom wants to come visit us again in April. She wants to see the National Cathedral, go to Politics and Prose, and generally do more sightseeing during a season when it is a little less humid. She’s also getting a bit bored and antsy in retirement, which I think is the prime motivation for this trip. She’d be staying with us for a week again . . . Heaven help us all . . .

I really want to take a decent vacation this year, but with Mr. Random having grad-school classes all year, even in the summer, that may not be an option. If there was time, then there would be no money . . .

It’s raining here today, which is not helping my mood at all. A vendor is coming by the Random Non-Profit this afternoon, bringing a free lunch – which is something to look forward to, but will probably end up being deli sandwiches, which are usually dry. I do hope they have chips and/or brownies too . . .

It’s sometimes the little things which bring joy . . .

Tidings of Discomfort and Ennui

I was playing around with some of the Blogger features last night and added the little random Flickr panel on the left. I’m still not sure if I like everything, but at least I’m trying to keep things a little fresh for my faithful readers!

I probably won’t keep the post labels since I won’t be able to remember what they are from one day to the next. Maybe I should just say “Random Labels” and be done with it – many more comic possibilities that way . . .

I’ve been thinking a lot more about what I want to do in the coming year. I need to focus on just two things and not try to do everything that I’m interested in at the moment. That’s always been my main problem – I try to focus on everything and then wear myself out with over scheduling and stress.

As much as I would like to do the middle school tutoring one night a week, I can’t focus on that AND teach ESL one night a week AND do Choir AND do photography AND do other random volunteering AND work full-time AND have some sort of social life that I would enjoy. I mean, it is not impossible, but it would mean more training, a different curriculum to finesse, and another organization to deal with. If I’m going to do more photography, I have to spend time and focus on it – I have to stop being such a poseur, and DO something . . .

My mood is still at an all time low. I’m tired and cranky. My energy is starting to flag. My greatest desire is to stay at home and sleep and read all day. The Random Non-profit has been a ghost town so far this week and will get worse as the weeks go on toward the end of December. I am drinking a lot more water and tea these days, if only to keep myself from eating all of the candy that’s lying around. The air has also been very dry with heaters going full blast everywhere . . . yes, I know – whine, whine, whine . . .

I had hoped to get tickets to a choir concert at the National Cathedral for next weekend, but they fell through. I had really looked forward to going and absorbing the immense wonderfulness of the place, but it was not to be . . .

Mr. Random continues to be extremely busy with his reporting class. On Saturday, he had to go cover an event in DC where he had an opportunity to speak with the DC new female Police Chief, which was very cool. He had to go to the event, write an article and submit it by the 5 PM deadline, which is much harder than it sounds. He’s been working so, so hard that I really want to get him something nice for Christmas . . .

So I am making arrangements with some “elves” to make sure that Mr. Random will get the electronic toy that he wants this Christmas – the local Santa (me) can’t quite swing the bucks for it this time. My drooling over the twin-lens reflex camera was just a crazy dream – I need to just suck up and be happy with what I’ve got for now. You can’t shop your way to happiness, even though I’d really like to try it sometime . . .

I was reading a blog where they talked about driving down a street where everyone had inflatable Santas on their lawn. Most of the comments chided in on how incredibly tacky that was . . . I hope to never live in a neighborhood where people think that inflatable Santas, snow globes, snowmen, or whatever are considered tacky. Just because they aren’t my cup of tea, I can see the seasonal humor factor in them – I’m all for people getting into the spirit, even if I don’t have the same strength of feeling. Maybe it was growing up in Philly, where neighborhood colored light displays are a high art form. Whenever I see a house outlined in oh-so-tasteful white lights, horrible as I feel to admit it, the first thought that pops into my head is “how snooty!” I’m a “colored lights” girl from way back . . . HAVE to have them on the tree. Not fond of blinking lights too much, it’s a little too neon sign-like for me, but I can see the attraction of the twinkling . . .

Wait . . . was that a little too Andy Rooney for today? Let’s try again later . . . I hope to be cheerier next time . . .