Friday, September 30, 2005

Free Form Friday

*"Free Form Friday" . . . that sounds so classic rock station, doesn't it?

*Great news! They finally found a sub for my ESL class Thursday nights, starting next week. He will come by on Tuesday and I will introduce him to the class and show him where we are in the curriculum. I can breathe easier now. . .

*Class last night went well, although I think I either tried to cover too much material, or my class was just really antsy at this point in the week and just wanted to get out of there – I think a combination of the two. We didn’t get our books last night, so I passed out a lot of worksheets, which may have seemed overwhelming. Hopefully, next week will go better – I just need to finish teaching them simple present tense verbs, and then we can move on to the next chapter.

*Today is a beautiful day in Northern Virginia . . . not too hot, blue skies, sunny . . . the kind of day you want to be outside doing something, rather than stuck behind a desk doing monotonous stuff . . .

*Went to pick up t-shirts and bibs for the Army Ten Miler at lunchtime today. I am in NO shape to do this race at this point – I mean, I could probably do about 3 or 4 miles before I’d have to start walking, but I am temped to go and just be a part of the start of the race and feel the adrenaline rush of being part of the group, all ready and raring to go, all suited up in our various running togs and good luck talismans. Mr. Random is ready and nervous, since he is going to use this race to see if he would be ready to do the Marine Corps Marathon later this month.

*Donald’s Apprentice Note: I totally agreed with the decision to fire Chris (?) He was a TOTAL idiot . . . Trump was saying very clearly, “Don’t bring Marcus into the boardroom.” What did he need to do, spray paint it on the wall for him? Now, I think that Marcus needs to go – nice enough guy, but a disaster in this setting – but now was not the time to call him out. Chris should have brought the other guy in there too, the one who came up with the print ads. I also think it’s funny that on these car ad-type tasks, the guys always think that they have this task NAILED, and then they come up with the lousiest ads I’ve ever seen. The women’s ads were excellent . . . maybe because they didn’t have the cocky, testosterone-laden, “I know this market” attitude.

Hope to get time this weekend to put some more links on the side . . . so I can make this a one top shop for all of the blogs I read on a regular basis. However, I REALLY should be catching up on actual work that I have to do and keep putting off. Will I be a good girl and do my homework? We will see . . .

Have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

The "Chuck Doesn't Fit In" Edition

*Martha’s Apprentice notes: I agree that Chuck should have been let go, but isn’t it obvious that Jim HAS to be fired? He is just pure evil. I was hoping that Martha would pull a Donald and just fire him on the spot. He was the biggest problem in this task – he just couldn’t shut his hole. I was just livid the whole time. I should probably stop watching, but I must like it or else I wouldn’t be so involved in it so far . . . it’s sucked me in!

*I’m hoping that the weather is nice enough on Saturday that I can take some B&W pictures at the Art show. I’m getting kind of rusty, and I really like taking crowd shots at these types of things.

*I would have put my pictures up by now, but they are all mostly in frames or mats, and it would be a pain to take them all out and then bring them to the office to get scanned in. (I work mostly in film.) I have some great shots that in took in the French Quarter of New Orleans in January 2004 that I would love to share with you all . . .

*There is a new blog that I’ve found called Politics, Theory and Photography (http://politicstheoryphotography.blogspot.com/) which seems really intriguing to me. I need to take some more time to delve into this gentleman’s arguments about “documentary” photography. I know quite a few people who work for newspapers in the photo departments as either photographers or editors, and I am in awe of what they do. A little teeny part of me would like to be the next Gordon Parks, and this blog may bring up some interesting viewpoints that had not even been on my radar screen.

*Another blog that I sometimes look at that is linked to a friend of mine’s blog today was kind of slagging off on the media as being politically biased, blah, blah, blah. You know, most journalists are just trying to do the best jobs they can, in the time restraints they are given. Because of deadlines, while they try to get every argument and side, sometimes people don’t call them back in time, editors cut out huge bits of the article due to space, etc., etc. Knowing how newsrooms work, and also how the companies that own the newspapers work (more worried about the bottom line than the content of their papers, and so they layoff people to keep the profits high,) being someone trying to report the news is a thankless, demoralizing job. Most people do not make the big bucks that some of the high profile people make, they do it because they love reporting what is going on, getting the rush of being there as things are happening. When people describe the media as a monolith, I always think of my friends and family and go, “What the Heck are these people talking about?” Oy! This is really a rant of mine to continue another time . . .

*Anthony Williams is not going to run again for mayor of DC. The guy was not a politician in the glad handing sense, but he did try his best with the mess he was given and I give him props for that. Large swaths of the city are in the process of being revitalized, which is a good thing, but many longtime residents are still left out of getting any of the benefits of this, which is a bad thing. Maybe the next mayor can figure that out, I don’t know . . . I don’t know of any big city that has truly figured out how to do both at the same time . . .

*I’ll end today with a poem, which I haven’t done for a while. If you like the poem you read here, do try to check out the poet’s other works . . . once, a poet I featured one day actually e-mailed me thanking me for finding her work. That was so awesome! (And I really need to write her back . . .) Always remember, these are folks like you and me, just trying to get their voices out there. I’m happy to help any way I can.

Something About the Stars
Keith Althaus

They are blind,
but you knew that.
All those years,
there,
not seeing,
but listening
to voices,
the way a satellite
overhears a conversation
in a car
miles below.
Do you remember saying . . . ?
But it's not like that,
what you said,
but how
it lives out there,
where heat and cold
are interchangeable
with light and dark,
where metallic hisses
and whistles die
in the dark
like numbers
divided by zero,
and we become
what we are
without the skin,
without the weight
of words to hold down
what we mean,
and something in us weeps,
and something in us sings.


Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Managing Chaos, Part 2

Had an interesting conversation last night with the Lead teacher at the ESL site that I volunteer teach at. It seems that the new person in charge of the program has no idea what she’s doing. Which is why we STILL don’t have completed rosters for our classes, or textbooks to pass out to our students. Now, I really hate using the textbook because it is rather hard to understand and I prefer to copy handouts and do more oral exercises with the class. The students prefer that too, since they get to work on their conversation and pronunciation skills. However, it does serve as a good lesson guideline for the students and gives them something at home to refer to, so not having the textbooks at this point is a huge pain-in-the-derriere. And also, not having completed rosters means that I have no idea who is really supposed to be in the class (and who has paid) and who is on the waiting list. I really don’t care, since I’m happy just to teach everyone who shows up and wants to learn, but it is bad for the organization in that they won’t have really good records when it comes time to report our monthly progress to the state offices.

I had actually thought about applying for the job of the coordinator of the whole ESL program when it was open, but figured that the pay would be beyond dreadful for the amount of hours you had to put in . . . and it turns out that I was correct about that. However, it sounds like the whole program is in upheaval at the moment, and I feel like someone needs to walk into the offices and knock some people around to get them to focus on what is needed right now.

So far, my ESL class this year is smaller than the one I taught in the summer, but 6-8 people is a very workable size for me to deal with. They still haven’t found a sub for me for Thursday nights, since I can’t do classes too nights a week for too long without burning out. I’ve given them a deadline of October 20 to find someone for that night – they HAVE to be able to find someone by then or else they are going to have one very unhappy long-term volunteer who may not re-up in the Spring . . . and they really can’t afford to lose any more volunteers or staff . . .

Sorry about the rant! I know, I need to be more Zen about this stuff . . .

. . . What other Random thoughts are there for today? . . .

Well, if you were a faithful watcher of Bravo’s Kathy Griffin show “on the D List,” it would have been no huge surprise to find out yesterday that she’s filed divorce from her husband of 4 years. He always seemed like he was just along for the ride anyway . . .

Just found out that my favorite local band, Eddie From Ohio (http://www.efohio.com/flash2.html), will be playing at the Birchmere (http://www.birchmere.com/index.cfm) for three dates in January. Yay! If you have not heard this band before, do give them a listen . . . they are kind of folk/rock with a fun twist. Also if you have never been to the Birchmere before, you must go at least ONCE . . . it is one of THE best places to see live music played in the DC area.

Promise to have better content tomorrow . . . I had quite a few meetings today . . .

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Tiny Rays Peeking Through the Clouds

I want to thank everyone for your concern and well wishes. And yes, I’m pretty sure I have some sort of depression that requires attention pretty soon. I am one of those people who likes to do for everyone else, BUT me. Trying to carve out the time I need for me is sometimes very difficult for me to do, but I must get better at it.

My first order of business should be to tell my friend, C, to take a flying leap. She has sent me about eight e-mails today, in various degrees of distress, asking for help with some freelancing assignments she’s received. Despite that fact that she is supposed to be this great writer/editor, she can’t use MS Word worth a darn, and wants me to help her figure out document formatting and stuff. I am politely saying a big NO. Besides, she is the one who told them she could do all this stuff, if I do it for her they might as well be paying me.

This weekend is the Del Ray arts festival, and I am so looking forward to going to that. If you can’t tell, I love art festivals . . . even though a lot of the time the actual art is pretty crappy, you get a sense of people’s talents and creativity. One day I should get a booth for myself and put out some of my photos . . .

I really have been enjoying my weekends lately . . . it is the weekdays that get me down.

Am teaching ESL tonight, even though I am kind of tired. Went out at lunch and got some chocolates for the students . . . whatever keeps them coming back!

I don’t have choir practice on Wednesday, which is both good and bad. Good, because it means I have a free evening, but bad, because the reason we are not having it is that our Music Director is going to have heart surgery to clear a blockage . . . and he’s only 38! I’m hoping that the surgery comes out well and that he has a speedy recovery . . . he is just the nicest person . . .

I just realized that I haven’t posted a “Website of the Week” or a “Poetry Selection” in a while . . . I need to rectify that soon.

The new season of “The Apprentice” has started . . . and yup, I’m there to watch. I did watch the 1st Martha “Apprentice,” but somehow they have found more annoying people than the Trump one this season. However, I feel the need to support Martha – the woman has me in awe, what can I say? I don’t care at all for her artsy-crafty stuff, but as a businesswoman and force of nature . . . Man!

A Moment of Silence for Don Adams, who played Maxwell Smart in “Get Smart.” That was one of my favorite shows when I was little, I watched the reruns everyday after school. Don Adams was also a very underrated comedian, whose talents weren’t taken advantage of as much as they could have . . .

Again, thanks to everyone for your lovely concerns. I’ll try to keep you all posted on how I resolve this . . . it should be an interesting ride. Hugs back to everyone!

Monday, September 26, 2005

Postcard From The Edge

I had a little mini-nervous breakdown on Saturday when I was hanging out with one of my friends.

I’d been kind of sick all week, actually stayed home a couple of days but didn’t actually get any rest, because I was trying to “work from home” so that I don’t use up too many more sick days. Which meant that I got little done, and the stuff I got done was rather crappy. But I made the attempt and I’m counting it. I’m really not thrilled with things at work, and have all this stuff coming up which I am dreading with a passion.

My father left a message for me at work while I was out, and when I called him back told me that my youngest sister had dropped out of college and didn’t let anyone know. I feel really bad for her, and know how she must feel. There has always been a lot of pressure to succeed in my family, and not in just any way, but in my father’s way. I went through the same thing, oh, 15 years ago, and am sad to see history repeat itself.

My Dad said that he has realized that he has had to “lower his expectations” for his daughters. I told him that that was a crappy thing to say. He said he didn’t mean it the way it came out. I know that, but it still is a sucky thing to say about your kid. It’s been on my mind ever since . . .

On Saturday I woke up at 6:30 AM . . . for no apparent reason, just couldn’t get back to sleep, but I still felt really tired and stuffy. We needed groceries, so we had a really light, but carb-laden breakfast, which made me really crabby.

Went to my friend’s house and hung out for a while, sorting through their books, because they are trying to get rid of a lot of them. I took a whole bunch for myself, not wanting some perfectly good books to go to waste. We went to get custard at the Del Ray Dreamery . . . a place I highly recommend, if you have not been there. Custard is much creamier than ice cream, and a large sugar cone is just heaven in your mouth. The Dreamery has puzzles on its tables, so we sat a while doing the huge jigsaw puzzle. It was all so very nice . . .

Then walking back to the house, I started feeling so tired and sad. And then after loading the books into the car, I just had to sit down. And then I started crying and I couldn’t stop. Thank goodness I have such great friends who are there for me . . . everything just sort of piled up and came out at once.

I’m a little better now . . . I slept most of Sunday and didn’t do much, but I’m still not feeling my best. I wish I could take some more time off . . . Mr. Random suggested it, but I’d have to take it without pay, and we really need the constant money coming in to keep the bills paid . . . but I am starting to seriously consider it.

I’m just at a loss for what to do at this point. And at a loss for what to say. But I’ll figure something out . . . I could just use a few hugs right now, cyber or real.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Gearing up for another one . . .

My sister called me this afternoon and said that she was about to get deployed to help with the Hurricane Rita aftermath, whatever it may be. She was saying that folks are being super prepared this time, in terms of making sure there are enough people and supplies around to help.

Please send all the happy vibes you can her way, and also to all of the people in the way of the storm . . . some of whom were just get settled in after being evacuated from Katrina. I can't even imagine how emotionally difficult that would be . . .

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Managing Chaos


My ESL class started again last night. There is a new woman in charge of the entire program and things were quite unorganized when I showed up to teach. I usually try to get there a half hour early so that I can set up, get my thoughts together, and get the computer lab ready for my students. The lead teacher hadn’t yet arrived, and already there was a line of prospective students who were interested in adding into the classes late. We did not have any rosters of who was in what class, there was no waiting list set up for people to sign up on, and there was no one there with placement tests, so that we could place the prospective students into levels.

The lead teacher showed up a few minutes before class was supposed to start, clutching just one copy of the roster. There are three teachers at our site, for the three levels that we teach – Basic, Intermediate, and Advanced. The roster was not sorted by placement test score, so you had to hunt around to figure out who belonged in which classes. Both the lead teacher and the other teacher were new to the site and were still unsure of which levels they were going to teach.

So, I guess I kinda had to take charge. Luckily I’ve been doing this for a full year and had a handle on what scores needed to go to what class. I had to write out the class lists (really quickly) for everyone. We took down the new folks’ names on the waiting lists, but let them go into whatever levels they wanted. There usually are a few no shows during the first week, so this wasn’t a huge problem for class size. The two other teachers finally decided what levels they wanted to each, and then I went and pointed everyone to the correct classes. I guess I just get agitated at such chaos, especially when there are a lot of other people who need help and have no clue either – SOMEBODY has to take charge and do something, if only to let the students know that we aren’t complete idiots.

Once classes started, I was very happy with my group of students. They seem to work well together, and are a pretty easy going group. Now I just have to see if there is going to be another teacher who can take over on Thursday nights . . . my original team teacher can’t do it this semester, and while I can do two nights a week for a while, any longer than two weeks and I am just going to go bonkers – teaching takes a lot of time and energy and even just doing it once a week, I’m pretty wiped out.

Cross your fingers that I get a sub for Thursday nights!

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Ode to the Random Cat


We found you at the PetSmart on a Sunday in January 2002, one of those Rescue Shelter cats that the store likes to showcase. You were such a sweet, quiet looking kitty, with big soulful eyes. We almost got you that day, but we had to think about it some more. Two weeks passed by, and we couldn’t stop thinking about you. We doubted that you were still there, but when we went back, there you were.

The lady told us that you had been left at the shelter TWICE . . . both times, your previous owners said that they had allergies. She said that you would take a while to trust us, and also that you liked to be petted while you ate, since that’s what they did at the shelter.

We brought you home, not knowing what was in store. The quiet kitty developed a loud voice. You told us when you were hungry and when you wanted to be petted and complained when we didn’t move fast enough. I have never seen such a vocal cat, outside of a Siamese. We learned quickly not to give you any food with turkey in it, or else you would be filling the house with fragrant emissions. You didn’t like to be picked up, and you still don’t like to sit in people’s laps. No one could ever accuse you of being an overly affectionate cat . . .

But with all of your standoffishness, very slowly you wormed your way into our hearts . . . or rather into MY heart, since I did not like cats to begin with, and especially a cat that hated to be hugged and wanted nothing to do with me outside of being fed. But the little things she did got to me . . . her habit of coming to bed with me and falling asleep curled up near my legs . . . her greeting me everyday when I come home from work, by flopping down at my feet and wanting to be petted . . . hopping up on the back of the couch when I am watching TV and trying to groom my hair by nibbling at it . . . OK, I guess I like you for that. It took you three years to get to this point, because of your “trust issues,” but I’ll take what I can get.

So I’m writing this little note to you, Random Cat, just to say that for all of your quirks, and the fact that we also call you our “Foster Cat,” we are so glad to have you and we wouldn’t know what to do without you. You are like your owners in more ways than you know . . .

{I seem to be having technical difficulties, since I can't get the stupid picture of the cat to post! Oh, well . . .}

Friday, September 16, 2005

Constantly Waiting . . .

Ever have one of those days when you have a ton of things to do, but you can't actually proceed on some of them, or finish others, because you have to wait for someone else to finish their part?

Today was that day for me. Arrrgh!!!

Have a wonderful weekend, everyone. :-)

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Random Question of the Week

Hey, Virginia Gal . . . it seems to be just you and me here on this blog. Even the spammers have taken their wares elsewhere. Oh, well . . .

Just for the fun of it, I pose a question:

If you could pick any handsome gentleman, famous or not, to spend a lovely (but chaste) dinner, dessert and late night chat with, who would that gentleman be?

If anyone else is reading and wants to play, please do. Just pop in the appropriate same/opposite sex and go for it.

I guess I should begin . . .

My first choice, of course, is (and should be) Mr. Random. Thus the whole marriage thing, you know. But I would want to do this in a city we have never stayed in, such as Chicago or London, and after a day of seeing and doing new things, for maximum discussion value. Of course, it would have to be in a heavenly, funky hotel with really comfy rooms. And it would have to involve pitchers of sangria . . . if done properly, it’s the nectar of the gods, I tell you . . .

Second choice would be and evening with my friend, J, because he is just darling and fun to talk to and we never have enough time to just hang out. Mr. Random would have nothing to worry about, but it would be fun to pick someone else’s brain for a whole evening.

Third choice . . . hmmm. See, the “chaste” part is the delimiter, because I really wouldn’t want to discuss world politics with Antonio Banderas . . . so I’m looking for smart and funny, too. I’d pick Hugh Grant, but he’d probably think I was a blithering idiot. See, it would have to be a person you think could relate to you on a normal level and could actual hold a conversation with . . . Man, this is hard! I have to think some more about this . . .

Discuss, people, discuss!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Still Cloudy

I can’t write today, I’m not feeling much better than yesterday.

On the good news front, my friend, C’s, life is looking up. She got 2 freelance assignments today – not a lot of money, but at least it is SOME money. Her dog is still bad off, but may be able to get medication to help alleviate some of the symptoms. So yay for her!

So I should be feeling better, but I don’t. Now Mr. Random has insomnia, of which I may have contributed to, I don’t know.

Fumbling around for words today, I came upon these two poems by Jeffrey Skinner. They so fit my mindset the past few days . . . interpret as you will . . .

The Long Marriage

They could not believe their luck — sunlight all the way down, lighting rocks lodged in the sandy bottom as if from within. Each rock angled just so, by some immense but casual intelligence. Rock weed held out its dark green fingers, waving. How can the water be so clear, and full of salt? In between their visits someone had removed the used condoms and shattered beer glass from the concrete cubicles, the breakwater fronting the old factory. The olfactory, he said. She did not see the humor.

At the beach a group gathered around the harbor seal who had hauled herself a small way onto the shore, waving an aristocratic flipper in the sun. Can't a mammal have a bit of privacy? She knew the feeling. The vertebra he plucked from the sand and showed her proudly was smooth, and cleanest white. But she would not have it in the house. Be happy you are alive and moving, she said. Bones belong in sand, rocks on ocean floor, and mercy in the great, shadowy hands of the indifferent one.

The Singer

This morning I began with large ambition to write a love poem. Give me a sonnet, I prayed, that captures my longing for the beloved. After all, I do love, I'm sure of it. But as soon as I wrote one line I saw how instantly familiar it was: the words in an order they had known before, in someone else's life, from someone else's mouth. It wasn't mine. When I crossed that line out and tried to begin again, no words came. Instead, my mind filled with an image of Rosemary Clooney, singing "They Can't Take That Away from Me." I'd seen the clip on TV the night before, because Rosemary had just died, after a long and brilliant career that included — as they say in Hollywood — bouts of addiction and depression. Rosemary was huge, she looked like a circus tent with a head poking through the top. She was singing but, really, she was dead.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Asleep While Awake

I had a very lovely weekend that did not last long enough. . .

Went to Alexandria’s Festival of the Arts on Sunday. It was just as crowded this year as it was last, but the art works on display weren’t all that exciting this year. I was able to meet up with my favorite artist, but he told me that he wouldn’t be at the Bethesda Row show this year, which made me quite bummed, because when I do buy his work, it’s usually in October (early Christmas present.)

I slept better this weekend, but I am still quite tired . . . like I’m sleepwalking or something. I found out that we won’t be able to go to Philly in November again this year, although Mr. Random’s mom may be coming to visit that month. We haven’t been to Martha’s Vineyard for our anniversary vacation in 5 years. Our 7th anniversary is coming up and there doesn’t seem to be much to look forward to, fun wise. I know we just took that long vacation to the West Coast, but that wasn’t a REAL vacation! That was a couple of Tennessee Williams plays broken up by long train rides!

Married 7 years. It doesn’t seem that long really, although a lot has happened to and with us in that time. I’m guessing we are pretty well settled now: this is how it’s going to be until we have children or other circumstances change. There is a great amount of comfort in that, but sometimes you wish for the early days back again – when you were just getting to know each other and things hadn’t devolved into the daily routine and bill paying and laundry. That’s why . . . we need to go to London!

My friend C’s situation has gotten a bit worse over the weekend. She found out this morning that she didn’t get either of the jobs she interviewed for last week. C also has a 15 year old Maltese, Sir Walter, who this morning couldn’t walk and seems to be in a large amount of pain. She is taking him to the vet today, but it doesn’t look good. The dog is the main thing that has been keeping her active and getting up in the day, and if he needs to be put to sleep, I have no idea how she will deal with this latest blow, and I so worry about it . . .

Those are my random thoughts for today . . . not very exciting, huh?

Friday, September 09, 2005

Nobody Here But Us Chickens . . .


It’s Friday, so I thought I would share a fun picture of me feeding the chickens in Oregon. I am such a city girl, but it was so much fun feeding them! They would peck right out of my hand and they were so cool (for chickens and roosters, that is!) The rooster that you see in the middle is quite a character, so much so that Mr. Random’s Cousin is going to exchange him for a much less belligerent rooster pretty soon. Unfortunately, I didn’t get any pictures of the eggs . . . they lay such beautiful tiny eggs, some were baby blue, some pastel green and some a light beige. I didn’t get to taste one, but Cousin Random often takes the eggs to her Mom and Grandmother to use.

Just so you know, I’ve turned on the word verification thing on my comments . . . I hope it works OK, but if you have any problems, just shoot me an e-mail. I’ll actually try to check that address a bit more frequently. Since it is not my main e-mail address, I tended to check it once in a blue moon, which isn’t good . . .

Virginia Gal asked if I am worried about something, which is keeping me from a proper night’s sleep. Well, I guess I do have quite a bit on my mind . . .

I worry about my sister, who may be deployed at any minute.

I worry about my friend, C, who has been unemployed for two years and is reaching bottom quickly. Everyone has been helping her like gangbusters, and she’s had many opportunities, but she manages to bumble every single advantage she gets. It gets so that I don’t want to help her anymore, or listen to her complaints. I’m not a cold, heartless person, but sometimes if you keep giving and making suggestions and trying to help to no avail, after a while it gets tiring. She refuses to temp, and somehow she has made it to 50-some years old without knowing how to use a computer properly, and won’t take any classes or anything, so Mr. Random and I are constantly helping her with the most simple tasks. We keep recommending that she at least temp somewhere – some money is better than NO money – but she doesn’t. She has maxed out all of her credit cards. We theorize that things will have to get pretty bad for her to finally start doing things, but we are afraid of what will happen to her when she gets to that point.

I worry about money . . . we didn’t get a cost of living raise this year . . . but we’re not going to be out on the street or anything. I’d just like some sort of cushion . . .

I worry about Mr. Random, and hope I’m not driving him crazy . . .

I worry about work . . . and the gazillion projects I have to do, and whether I want to stay there, and the thousands of annoying things that come up each day . . .

I worry about going back to school and taking out loans and whether I can work all day and still do well, because we need the money, but I know that if I am trying to do everything well I’ll have a nervous breakdown . . .

I worry about whether I should start trying to have a baby again after October. I don’t want to lose this one. I worry about whether I’d be a good mother at this point. I worry that the baby if it does come, that it won’t be healthy. I don’t know how to deal with all of the possibilities that may happen . . . I’m scared. I’m more scared than the first time, when I didn’t know any better . . .

I worry about what my place is in the world . . . what am I meant to do? Why am I here? Is there a larger purpose for me? Should I be doing something else? If so, do I know what that is? . . .

I worry about lots of things, more than I could list here. I can’t type that fast.

However . . .

I do know that I am very blessed with a wonderful husband, family and friends who care about me very much. We can pay our mortgage and most of our bills. We are relatively healthy. (Knock wood!) We can occasionally buy books and other toys and eat out a bit. We have a cat who we can shower affection on, even if she doesn’t care.

When I get a case of the “worries” I try to remember all that . . . but you know how that goes sometimes . . .

We'll end with this lovely poem by Robert Gregory today . . . enjoy your weekend, everyone!

With and Without

By Robert Gregory

I'm walking in the everyday (like everyday) and looking

around as I go the way I used to when I was a kid, gathering

things (with my eyes now only) to put in my now

metaphorical pockets and take them out later during

Tedium to examine and starlings (about a handful)

are scattered on a big smooth lawn as if tossed there now

by X (like a hand) that does that kind of thing for reasons

of its own and they, not minding it at all (the lack

of a theory or an explanation) begin as always

to go about their business at once: balancing, watching

with amused & fierce attention whatever there is

to be seen, seeing who can make the best high looney whistle

or fat and juicy chuckle or squeaking sound

and creaking sound like Count Dracula's door

coming open, meanwhile stabbing down into the tough

hard mesh of roots and grass, the stems crammed in

together by the dirt that's been so dry, stabbing down

so as to pluck a juicy squirming thing and let it drop

inside their black and boiling inner works... and then

all together and suddenly they rise into the air (as if

to some loud but inaudible clap or bang) and curve away

and vanish all together, taking everything with them.

I find myself staring at their absence the same way

I stare at the very last scene of a dream sometimes,

the only one I still have with me on waking, with

a sleepy inability to get it straight what all this is exactly

but feeling no distress at that, some kind of rightness

in fact. Then, after a breath, the ordinary grass

is back again, single-minded now (a thought without

starlings), less green, more dry, more uniform,

more silent, and then almost everything else is back also.


Thursday, September 08, 2005

Peeling at the Yellow Wallpaper

We finally got DSL at the Random household last night. Mr. Random installed it on the computer, it worked great for him . . . then when it was my turn to try it . . . somehow, all of my Netscape bookmarks disappeared. Don’t ask me how it happened, I don’t know. All I know is that I opened my browser as usual, went to a usual website and then the thing froze up on me. Once we got out of the freeze, I could no longer get into my bookmarks. I had about 200 of them, all neatly categorized, amassed after years of use. I can recopy the ones I have at work, but it is still a pain. Mr. Random spent an hour trying to figure out what went wrong, and felt so bad that my account didn’t work. Why do things have to go wrong with MY stuff? Whine, whine . . .

. . . I have been having trouble reading anything longer than a cereal box for the last few months. I can’t even bring myself to finish looking through this month’s In Style. In Style! All you have to do is look at the pretty pictures, and I can’t even manage that! And that is the most non-literate magazine that I can think of . . . My concentration is shot to heck . . . I’m trying to figure out how to fix it , but I guess I don’t even know what the actual problem is. Actually, I was really getting into my book at the L.A. train station, but of course, I was not allowed to sit quietly and do so because of the antsy Randoms who wouldn’t give me a moment’s peace when waiting for the train . . .

. . . However, I have been going through crossword puzzles like crazy. I can’t concentrate enough to read, but I can do three or four New York Times type crosswords at a stretch. I’m also starting to do those Su Do Ku puzzles in the Wash Post every day . . . so my brain is good for something, but what does this mean?

. . . I’m having trouble sleeping lately, too. I wake up at 2 or 3 AM and can’t get back to sleep for at least an hour. Longer if I actually do get up and watch TV or read to get my mind off whatever. I’m soliciting recommendations on what I should do about this . . . otherwise, I’m going to become a snarky, holy terror to be around . . .

So, I have been in a most foul mood this week. I just want the weekend to get here. Many things to look forward to on the weekend. A nice lunch on Saturday, “Art on the Avenue” on Sunday. A busy weekend, but busy doing fun things that I enjoy doing. But come Monday, heaven help me . . .

(End with Jimmy Buffett’s “Come Monday” running through my head . . .)

Come Monday
It’ll be all right
Come Monday
I’ll be holding you tight

I’ve spent four lonely days in a brown L.A. haze
And I just want you back by my side . . .

(See, I told you the thoughts on this blog were random . . .)

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Summer Goals Revisited, Fall Goals Made

Let’s see how I did this summer, looking at the goals I set on June 14, 2005.

*Start running on a schedule: BWAAAH HA HA HA! [See Kath roll on the floor laughing hysterically.] Um, no. Well actually, I was doing pretty well, up until we returned from the trip. We ran a lot while we were on the coast, mostly because we HAD to get out of the house, but also we because had a lot more free time. Once we returned to our piles of work and mail, all semblance of schedule went out of the window. I am only a couple of weeks behind, but it was a tight schedule to get in shape for the Army Ten Miler and not much room for error. I may still do it, but with LOTS more walking than running!

*FINALLY apply for a Passport: The filled out app with photos . . . still on the desk. Was going to submit it the Thursday before we left on the trip, but time ran out. I still have until the 22nd to do this before summer officially runs out, so don’t write me off yet! (The delay now? Scraping the app fees together . . . money’s been a bit tight lately . . .)

(I can already see the disappointment on your virtual face, Virginia Gal, but knowing you are out there is why I haven’t given up on submitting it. Also, I have an overwhelming desire to go overseas on vacation somewhere by next summer.)

*Apply to go back to school in Spring 2006: Still deciding. I found that Penn State has an online degree program in the subject I want, and I am debating whether to go the online class route. Mr. Random is beyond supportive, as always, but I still have an anxiety attack when thinking of the money . . . I hate owing lots of money. I have until the end of October to decide this . . .

*Get a digital camera for our train trip to the West Coast in August: DONE! Now I just have to put the pics online so people can actually see them. That’s one of the drawbacks of a digital – no shiny pictures to hold in your hand, unless you pop for a photo printer.

*Work on redoing the kitchen (Stripping the hideous wallpaper, painting the walls and the cabinets): BWAAAH HA HA HA! Hopefully, this will be a FALL project, however our fridge, dishwasher and main bathroom toilet all sound as if they are going to die any second. I hate being a homeowner . . . I want to be able to complain to someone to fix this stuff for me. And heaven help us if Mr. Ransom decides that he is “handy” . . .

*Fix up the guest room for Fall guests: Well, it’s inhabitable at least. We had two guests stay there, and they didn’t complain. We do need a new bed in there, though. I’ve been spending more time in there since it’s been cleaned up, and I have just noticed that the mattress is horrible – you can feel every spring, and the bed isn’t level, due to the screwed up bed frame – the head of the bed leans lower than the foot. If Mr. Random’s mom comes to visit this fall, this must be remedied or else she’ll get a screwed up back and then we’ll never hear the end of it.

. . . So, how did I do? Progress has been made, but not enough to truly satisfy me. But the goals have been in my thoughts all summer, which is great! So, I’ll continue the goal setting and put down my goals for Fall:

Fall 2005 Goals

*Submit Passport and begin planning one international trip for next year.

*Apply for Spring 2005 classes somewhere. Make sure all paperwork in completed.

*Work on kitchen. At least strip that horrid wallpaper and paint the walls something more cheerful.

*Get new bed for the guest room. Make room a bit cozier for guests.

*Continue to exercise semi-regularly: Maybe take an exercise class involving some sort of dancing, or run at least twice a week.

*Put some pictures online so people can see them.

These are six pretty manageable goals . . . it will be fun to see how I do in December!

To end . . . This song was on the radio today . . . it is such a happy song, with happy memories for me. And it’s REM! With Kate Pierson from the B-52s!

Shiny Happy People
REM, Out of Time, 1991


Shiny happy people laughing
Meet me in the crowd
People, people
Throw your love around
Love me, love me
Take it into town
Happy, happy
Put it in the ground
Where the flowers grow
Gold and silver shine.

Shiny happy people holding hands
Shiny happy people laughing.

Everyone around
Love them, love them
Put it in your hands
Take it, take it
There's no time to cry
Happy, happy
Put it in your heart
Where tomorrow shines
Gold and silver shine.

Shiny happy people holding hands
Shiny happy people laughing.

[Did you know: from Songfacts (http://www.songfacts.com/detail.lasso?id=1518)

*The title and chorus are based on a Chinese propaganda poster. The slogan "Shiny happy people holding hands" is used ironically - the song was released in 1991, 2 years after the Tiananmen Square uprising when the Chinese government clamped down on student demonstrators, killing hundreds of them.]

*This was the second single from the album. A very light, happy song, it was a stark contrast to the very profound "Losing My Religion," which was released first.

*In 1999, R.E.M. performed this on Sesame Street as "Furry Happy Monsters." Kate Pierson's part was performed by a Muppet that looked like her, but she voiced it. Guitarist Peter Buck has 2 daughters who were big fans of the show.]

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Back to the Grind . . .

What a week. What a weekend. Now back to the grind . . . even if it is not “officially” Fall yet, it certainly is for all intents and purposes.

Over the weekend, Mr. Random and I went to a wedding held at a winery in Fauquier County, Virginia. Was a very lovely wedding, beautiful ceremony, lovely reception and dinner, most excellent dancing at the end.

As we were leaving to go home, you could look up into the clear night sky and see almost all of the stars in the universe . . . how big it is . . . how small we are.

I’m still pushing for everyone to send relief funds to Habitat for Humanity. (www.habitat.org) . . . All of the hurricane-displaced citizens of the region are now spread out all over the country. Some of them will eventually return home to Louisiana and Mississippi, others will try to stay in their new cities. All of them will need new, permanent homes. There has been an outpouring of funds and other donations and help to get folks through this incredibly tough “gotta-survive-and-figure-out-what-the-next-steps-are-gonna-be” period, but giving to Habitat will be beneficial in helping for the long term.

Not much more to write today . . . kind of emotionally drained. Have been working on hurricane-related issues at the Random Non-profit and am just . . . not very creative right now.

Hope to do better tomorrow. How was everyone’s weekend?

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Passing the Hat . . .

If you haven’t given to a charity already, please do so. Now I’m sure that the, what, two or three faithful readers that I have are probably already on it, but maybe a stray surfer may come by here and see this. So I’ll share . . .

While I highly recommend giving to the Red Cross, I want to give my personal plug to Habitat for Humanity (
http://www.habitat.org/). When all is said and done, the people of New Orleans are going to need permanent places to live. These people have lost everything, and the loss of their homes and communities are going to affect them most keenly. Your home is . . . your home. It is where you feel most comfortable, it is your base of operations, it is where most of your memories are created and stored. And many of these people, their homes were all they had . . . they had no money and nowhere to go, and no means to get there if they did, so they had to stay behind to protect the only thing they DID have to call their own . . . even if it was a rickety shack or a buckling trailer. And now it s all gone, washed away, turned to rubble, with nothing to go back to, nothing to start with.

I know that the people of New Orleans feel exactly like their hometown as the longtime residents of any other city feel about their hometowns. No matter what anyone else says, they will rebuild because it is their home, full of their history and tradition, and they want it to endure. I would not be surprised if there is a small-scaled Mardi Gras held there next year, just to say “We’re still here. And we’re still partying. So there!”


. . . And I hope to go back there to join them, if I can.

I’ve had this Sting song in my head since last night, and I just had to put it here.

Moon Over Bourbon Street

There's a moon over Bourbon Street tonight
I see faces as they pass beneath the pale lamplight
I've no choice but to follow that call
The bright lights, the people, and the moon and all
I pray everyday to be strong
For I know what I do must be wrong
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street

It was many years ago that I became what I am
I was trapped in this life like an innocent lamb
Now I can only show my face at noon
And you'll only see me walking by the light of the moon
The brim of my hat hides the eye of a beast
I've the face of a sinner but the hands of a priest
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street

She walks everyday through the streets of New Orleans
She's innocent and young from a family of means
I have stood many times outside her window at night
To struggle with my instinct in the pale moon light
How could I be this way when I pray to God above
I must love what I destroy and destroy the thing I love
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street.