Joys and Concerns

I’m an agnostic in the Merriam-Webster dictionary definition sense, “one who holds the view that any ultimate reality (as God) is unknown and probably unknowable” – a state that can otherwise be known as “hedging my bets.” I actually, probably lean more towards atheist, but I do like knowing about other religions and I do think there is a lot of comfort and good that come out of them. (And a lot of really bad too, but we won’t even go *there* for today.)

However, I like going to church because: (a) I like singing, especially with choirs, and there are some hymns that are just so gorgeous and heavenly in melodies and harmonies that you can be SO transcendently moved. Soothing the savage breast and all that; and (b) there is just a whole community of (somewhat) like-minded people who are there to care and support each other, working together all for the purpose of what I call (probably very blasphemously) “putting on the show.”

The church I go to is one of the more hippie, liberal Protestant denominations, pretty close to Unitarian as you can get. Not a lot of decorations and doodads, communion is open to whoever wants bread and grape juice that day, and usual Sunday attire runs more along the lines of jeans/khakis/shorts/sandals – both guys and gals. Even before our pastor left, we had lots of “lay” participation and people in the congregation take turns running parts of the service and teaching Sunday school to the kids. We have a very energetic choir director, so we always have a (relatively) large amount of people in the choir, and on an off Sunday, the choir members look like they outnumber the people in the pews. On a good Sunday, we might have 45 people in the pews, on a summer Sunday we might have 15-20. We have lots of little kids in the congregation, most of whom are under the age of 8, so during the service before the kids get to go downstairs for Sunday school, there is always chaos of little ones running around and playing with toys. (Ours is not a “sit-down-and-shut-up” church for kids.)

Why am I writing this? I’m not sure, but I’m going with it. It seems to be the story I want to share at the moment . . .

Anyway, there is always part of the service, after the weekly sermon, called “Joys and Concerns.” This is when people can share any of their own joys or problems that they’ve been having during the past week with the rest of the congregation. It can be as innocuous as “My anniversary was this week!” all the way up to people talking about recurrences of cancer, job losses, sicknesses and deaths of family and friends, and heavy-duty personal struggles. The pastor writes all of these things down and mentions them during the closing prayers.

It is always amazing how much people feel comfortable sharing with everyone during these times – just letting a lot of raw emotion come out that has been stored up all week, trying to be brave. It is hard to describe. Sometimes it is very draining, but there is a wonderful, healing things that happens, when everyone’s heart goes out to the person talking, and the person feels like s/he is not alone in bearing his/her burden.

However, for me, there always seems to be a downside to all of the sharing – one that makes me feel . . . well, left out and apart . . .

You see, hearing about everyone else’s problems, makes my problems and issues seem *not very important.* Having money troubles? Well, somebody couldn’t sell their old house fast enough, was stuck paying two mortgages for a long time and is horribly in debt. Angst about paying for school? Some people can’t afford their courses any more and they have to drop out. Angst about horrible conditions at work? Someone has been out of a job for months. Not that it’s all a competition or anything, but how can you compete with that? So I keep my mouth shut, because my problems are not, relatively, problems. Even though they are, and they make me very unhappy. But I feel like I have to suck it up. Which makes it less of a safe space for me. But . . . who can help me, really? Where can *I* turn when I’m feeling bad, without feeling like I’m whining?

So I’m reaching the point where I’m getting pretty tired of the stuff I’m doing. I just see miles more road to travel to get where I want to go and I’m sick of traveling, but I’m also tired of where I am. It’s nice to have the blog as an outlet, but then I actually have to take the time to write all this out. So here I am.

My joys right now: my friends and family, having fun Saturdays, being able to go see plays, taking my college class.

My concerns right now: My Army sister (who is having problems with her legs), my grandma (who really needs someone to look in on her once a week, since she’s living alone and is now taking a lot of medications due to a hospital scare two months ago), Mr. Random and his family (mom, grandmom and sister – all having issues), my job (more people leaving, office is unstable, and I am unhappy every single day), money (Mr. Random’s student loans, pressure because of job uncertainty and debts), school (taking one class a semester is not getting me very far, will take me at least 3 or 4 years at this rate, plus it adds stress in dealing with work).

What are your joys and concerns at this time? Let’s lift them up and share!

Mid-Summer Bumbling Along

I’m just going to start writing and then we’ll see where all this leads.

Ready?

Shall we?

My sister stayed with myself and Mr. Random last week. She was in the area all month on leave from the Army and stayed at my parent’s house most of the time. Since she has been back from Iraq, her legs have been giving her a lot of pain, and she has trouble going up and down stairs and also walking long distances. Since Mr. Random and I live in a 3rd floor walk-up, it was a slight problem. My sister and I had talked about going to New York City for a couple of days, but it was now out of the question.

I had taken the week off and had looked forward to getting away and doing things with my sister. Instead we were mostly home-bound. She was fine with that – visited friends some days, another day we went to lunch and a shopping mall, another day to the Museum of the American Indian and then had lunch, one day we went down to visit my grandmother – kept busy. Friday, she left – flew back to the base. My sister said she had a good time, got plenty of rest, just enough time away. She’s going to get her legs checked out when she gets back to base in Texas, and will let us know what happens.

I am not sure if I had a good time or not. I’m still tired. I am happy that my sister enjoyed her time here, but I’m concerned about her health. We did a few fun things, I saw a museum that I had not been to yet, we went to an ice cream tasting, had some nice lunches and dinners, but . . . but . . .

As much fun as the Fringe Festival was, it was still in the context of the day-to-day-slog. Despite my being home and staying away from work last week. It still felt like the same daily slog – just one element taken out of it. I feel bad because I don’t feel good, if that makes any sense.

I am low on days off until Christmas break – I have to save the rest of my time so I can take off the week between Christmas and New Years. Mr. Random will have the last two weeks in August off, because Congress is in recess then and he’s not going to be working at the Conventions. I look to the rest of the year with a weary eye . . .

Oy! I’m hoping that I figure out something fun and relaxing to do soon or else I’ll be fried by the end of September . . .

Elegy for My Lady: 1992 - 2008

On Friday, my sister called and told me that our family’s dog, Lady, had been put to sleep. Poor Lady had gotten progressively worse and worse as the 4th of July weekend went on, until her seizures returned and . . .

It makes me very sad to even write this, thinking of her shaking and scared . . .

My Dad woke up early Monday morning and saw her. He was very upset as he took her to the Emergency vet for the last time. Over the years, he had been her primary caretaker, and while he always complained how he hated that dog and always tried to give her away to . . . anyone, you know he adored her. He held her in his arms as the doctor gave her the shot. He was totally devastated and since has been slow to get rid of her toys and leashes.

She was the first pet I ever had, even though she technically was my youngest sister’s pet. When I moved out of the house, she sat in my empty room for days – in the place where my bed used to be – waiting for my return.

Whenever Mr. Random and I came over to the house, she would always jump and bark all over the place, she was so excited. She liked to sit next us on the couch or sprawl out by our feet. When we left, she always looked so sad, and I would always give her a treat and a hug as I walked out the door.

I will so miss her when I go home to visit . . .

I’m sure the house is so different, so much quieter, now that all three daughters are gone . . . and the dog. Life goes on. We all get older. People and pets we love can’t stay around forever, no matter how much we wish it not so.

Lady was a wonderful pet and we were lucky to have her in our lives, helping us to be gentler, more responsible human beings to everyone and everything around us. She lived a few days past her 16th birthday and it seems like just yesterday my parents brought this little puppy home to my 8 year old sister.

Goodbye, my Lady . . .

Trying to Count Blessings Instead of Sheep

There is so much going on that it is hard to even figure out where to start, so I’ll just throw some words down and see what follows from there.

My parents’ dog has been having seizures. She is 16 years old, which is very old for a dog. When I came home to visit on the Fourth of July, she was not able to do her usual glad-to-see-me jumping up and down and barking. She is on lots of medication. It made me very sad to see her this way. I gave her many hugs and kisses, since this may have been the very last time that I ever see her. If she has another seizure, they are going to put her to sleep. I am so upset about this . . . I know it is time, but she’s the first pet I ever really had (even though technically it was for my youngest sister.)

My sister in the Army came to town for her month-long leave on Thursday. Mr. Random and I picked her up from the airport and took her out to dinner. Two things kind of threw me for a loop there: (a) She now has a tattoo on her left arm, midway between her shoulder and her elbow, kind of like an armband in a Greco-Roman pattern. I know it’s kind of a military thing, but you never expect your 34 year old sister to show up with a tattoo. My other, 24 year old sister, yes, but not the 34 one. (2) She is applying for Officer Training School – she finds out in October if she gets in. If she does get in, she’s staying in. If not, she’s out in December. This threw me because I thought she just wanted out, out, out as the rest of us hoped she would be, but it looks like maybe not. So I have to reconcile the reality of who my sister is and what she might want for herself with the false impressions I guess I’ve been building up in her absence. I also have to look at myself and see if I’m projecting my own hopes onto her. Very unsettling . . .

Fourth of July, as I mentioned before, we went down to my parents’ house. My sister bought fireworks (they are legal in my parents’ county) and we spent the afternoon and evening hanging out until it got dark, then my sister and dad put on a little fireworks show in the driveway. Some people in the neighborhood had driven to South Carolina and bought some heavy duty fireworks, and so we watched them for a little bit, semi-afraid that one of the rockets would land in my parents’ trees or on their roof.

More people are leaving the Random Non-profit, some not of their own accord. The numbers dwindle further. It is very stressful to be here.

This is the last week of ESL classes. Yay! I teach tomorrow night and then there’s an End of Semester celebration on Thursday night. However, my ESL work isn’t over since I volunteered for a committee to develop some new resources and a new ESL teacher training class for new volunteers. I’ve never done something like this before and I thought it would help me develop some new (marketable) skills while doing something worthwhile for the organization.

Saw Get Smart over the weekend and was plesantly surprised. My expectations were low, but I am always amazed by how Steve Carell has blossomed since his days as "Produce Pete" on the Daily Show. Also, it was great to see all of the references to the old TV show sprinkled throughout the movie, although I don't think that some people in the audience knew about/understood them, which makes me feel really old . . .

Went to visit Mount Vernon yesterday with my friend J. We had been there before 8 years ago, but they’ve added some new museum spaces with a lot more short movies to watch on George Washington’s life. I don’t know if it is because we’re both kind of cranky people, but we found all of the new stuff to be completely without nuance. They did have a little exhibit on slavery at Mount Vernon, but otherwise it was all overtaken by how awesome George Washington was at all times. He almost didn’t seem human – Did he crack jokes? Did he have a sense of humor? Was he wracked with doubts? I mean, I know that Martha burned all of his letters to her after his death, but there needed to be some sense of conflict, of humanity, of doubt, of anger, for me to think that I actually learned something there. Oh, and the gift shops were really cheesy too.

I joined Facebook over the weekend. I finally succumbed to the peer pressure. It’s fairly addictive, I must say, but it is something else that has to be checked and maintained all the time. Also, I’m fairly skeeved by all of the personal information that corporations must be gathering on all this online activity, but I guess we’re all going to go down one way or another, so might as well have fun while we can.

The DC Fringe Festival starts this week and I’m seeing my first show on Saturday. I will do my usual Fringe Updates on the experiences I have at the various shows. It’s always an experience, let me tell you . . .

There’s more stuff, but I’ll stop there. I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying your summers . . .

On Random Losses . . . and a Special Flower

Life comes and goes in an instant.

There is the life that exists before . . . and the life that exists after.

One moment, someone or something you know and care about is here on the earth. You probably take the presence for granted, that the presence will always be around, so you may not pay the presence much attention sometimes. But the presence is always there in the background, and you are comforted in the knowledge that it is there and all is right with the world.

Then something happens and the presence is not there anymore – taken away when we aren’t at all prepared for it.

Or maybe we are kind of prepared for it – we can see the signs – but we choose to ignore it and the shock of the event *actually happening* throws us for a loop. Our lives had been touched and they will be touched no more.

These are not original words or original thoughts, and they are not even that well written, but they are true.

Yesterday, Mr. Random actually called me from work as soon as he found out that Tim Russert died. Mr. Random works at a Random Publication which has sort of a tangential association with that world, and his publication has a lot of guys who fit Mr. Russert’s profile – middle-aged, kind of heavy journalist – so it struck really close to home. DC is a small place, and circles overlap, so it really was a bit of a blow.

But yesterday something else happened. For the past two weeks, my friend J had been dog-sitting a large poodle named Daisy, who was 14 years old. I had met Daisy a couple of times before and she was the sweetest dog, very well behaved and, since she was so old, had a bit of trouble with standing up and going up and down stairs. Yesterday, Daisy wasn’t eating at all and wasn’t herself. The owners were supposed to come back earlier in the day, but their flights got screwed up and only one of the owners came back early enough to help J take Daisy to the vet. It turns out that Daisy had to be put to sleep last night. J was there and very upset about it and called me after it happened, since I was one of the few people who actually met Daisy, and I was very upset too . . .

So I decided to write this post. Because while Daisy wasn’t as big and famous as some other people who died yesterday, her life had meaning to those of us who knew her, even briefly.

It may seem cheesy, and I didn’t write this very well, but this post is in honor of Daisy.

Well done, sweetie! You were a good girl! Sleep well, my dear.

This is My Brain After a Conference

My brain has been much too fried to write anything coherent these days. Last week was the Random Non-profit’s annual conference – Quite a slog and a very overwhelming experience, especially if you aren’t an extrovert. There were times when I had to sneak out of a plenary to find a quiet place to check my e-mail and take a moment to get myself together. The turnout this year was better than expected and I think that our field gained a lot of useful information – we had some better speakers this year than in the past, although no one who was headline worthy. I did get to see Chris Matthews (of MSNBC fame) walking out of another conference being held at the same hotel, so I did have at least one famous person sighting . . .

Good news! My sister is on her way back home from Iraq. She is waiting for the rest of her unit in an undisclosed location and should be landing back in the States for good at the end of this week. Yay!

I wish I could write more, but my brain is having problems with linear thought today and I’m doing well just writing this sort of coherently. I'm just exhausted. I'm lucky that I was able to dress myself somewhat this morning - only by wearing a suit - but I still screwed it up by somehow thinking that bright pink socks would work with a black suit and black loafers. I feel like I'm channeling 80's-90's Michael Jackson whenever I'm walking around . . . which is rather unfortunate, fashionwise. See, this is why I need to remember to lay out my clothes before I go to bed, because my most dubious fashion choices have come about in the early morning hours . . .

The weekend is coming and I am really looking forward to having a very lovely Saturday.

I hope you all are doing well!

Wile E. Coyote, Looking Up, Holding a Small Umbrella

I see that COTW is taking some time away after having a few life events happen. She does so much and is such an awesome person that it’s good to see her take some time to step back and rest and deal with all of the change around her.

Like I said earlier, I was sick last week, but it wasn’t really the flu – although that’s what I say because getting into what’s actually wrong with me would take too much time to get into normally.

The bottom line is that I woke up on Wednesday morning and had a huge panic attack. And then I couldn’t stop crying. Because it gets SO overwhelming sometimes – the whole grandma thing, the whole school thing, the whole work thing, the whole soon-we-are-going-to-owe-a-ton-in-student-loans thing – it all hangs over my head like an anvil being suspended by piano wire. There are a few other things going on that I haven’t had the nerve to talk about yet, but they weigh on me too.

I was so upset, Mr. Random thought that I should probably stay home. After much hemming and hawing, I agreed. I felt bad though, because my being so upset was making Mr. Random way late for work. Even when I’m not happy, I still feel worse because I’m ruining stuff for other people too. If it was just me, then I could just call in sick and be done, but when you factor other people who need me to do my part so they can do theirs, it feels such like a burden. My decisions affect others and that can make even simple decisions take forever for me.

I get tired of thinking sometimes. I want to step back and stop the show for a while and just not do anything for a while, except those things I like to do.

So Wednesday I just stayed home and slept a lot. I felt really run down and drained, so it seemed like my body was telling me that that’s what I needed. Towards the end of the day I started getting this huge headache coming on and by Thursday morning it hadn’t let up, and added some nausea in for good measure. However, I had a ton of things that needed to get done at work, so Mr. Random dropped me off as usual. Once at work, I holed up in my office, wrote the things I absolutely needed to write and then had someone take me home at noon. Then I slept some more. It’s a good thing that I went home, because between my head and my stomach, not much else was going to happen. (I know, TMI!) Friday, I made it to class and was able to send out a few work e-mails, but mostly I stayed low and didn’t do much.

Saturday was a bit of a reprieve, and my friend J and I were out and about, finding a new barbecue place for lunch and hanging out in a coffee shop afterwards, reading and working on random stuff. Then when Mr. Random got home we had dinner and walked around a bit (because I ate SO much that day!) My headache started coming back in full force that evening, and Sunday was spent just reading the paper and nodding off. Now here we are today . . . still having a low level headache and feeling blah, but at least I can somewhat function . . .

I am happy that I did well on my Econ exam, but am stressed out about this 30 page final paper that is due first week of May. I am stressed out about work because I am not really sure that I even want to be there anymore. More people are resigning, new people are coming in and I don’t know how I fit in the big picture anymore, or even if I want to fit in. I am stressed about Mr. Random’s mom coming in a couple of weeks. I am stressed out about what my future holds and other decisions that I have to make that will affect other people.

It is spring! The sun is shining and the weather is getting warmer. The summer lies before me – if all goes well my sister will be home from Iraq then – and I should be thrilled, but I’m not. I just see more . . . stuff going on, more stuff to navigate through and deal with.

I want a vacation from thinking about stuff for a little while – maybe just a month? What’s a month out of a lifetime of stuff to deal with, really? Why is this so hard to do?

I guess the whole “needing to earn a paycheck thing” has something to do with it. The whole “have to pay the mortgage” thing. I hate being responsible. Trying to be a grown-up sucks sometimes, really . . .

Sorry, guys, I just had to get this off of my chest. More cheerful posts will be forthcoming, I promise . . .

Another Shot at the Scottish Play

I’ve been very quiet this week. I’ve been feeling kind of down and overwhelmed, so I haven’t had much to say that wouldn’t have depressed the heck out of everyone. I HAVE wanted to write, and I would start and stop, but thought better of it once I actually read what I wrote. It helped me improve my mood a bit to actually “pretend write” though, since putting words on electronic paper does help me reason things out sometimes.

Last night, Mr. Random, J, and I went to see Macbeth at the Folger, the one co-directed by Teller. It was a very entertaining, riveting performance, not very stogy at all – maybe even a bit of what the original Globe performances of Macbeth were like, with lots of blood and gore and humor and just plain “life” in it. I am so glad that we bought our tickets so early which allowed us to have such awesome seats. The magic in the play flowed naturally and didn’t seem obviously staged. I gave this Macbeth two thumbs up!

I have an Econ exam on Friday, the class of which I am very weary. I want the semester to be over so badly. I’m going to try to sign up to take Statistics in the summer semester, which means I’ll have class three nights a week for 6 weeks. That sounds pretty intense, but it will keep me on track for the fall.

I’m still trying to figure out what to do for Mr. Random’s graduation, since we don’t have a home big enough (or with enough parking) for the type of celebration that I’d like to have. We are thinking of having it at a local restaurant the Saturday before, but it still isn’t the optimum choice and makes me feel very disappointed and frustrated. I want everyone to come and not feel stressed, and I want families to be able to come and go, and I want to not have to worry about tallying up a bill at the end and playing the “money game” – you know, where you try to get everyone’s portion of the check and some people end up underpaying and leaving which means other people have to contribute more than they should to leave the correct amount. I HATE that with a passion. . . .

I am looking forward to the weekend, even though that will be busy as well. It’s the weekend to visit my grandma and I also have to finish out an outside project that I am working on. Mr. Random has his comprehensive exams one day then will play in a soccer game the next. Monday night, there is a church meeting that has to do with the project I’m working on this weekend. Next Thursday, Mr. Random has free tickets to a Nationals game at the new ballpark. And then another weekend comes . . .

So I’m muddling through . . . I hope you all are doing well and enjoying good weather wherever you are!

Trying Not to Carbo Load

I’m feeling rather needy today. More stupid stuff going down at the Random Non-profit – some other people are leaving, which will leave huge holes in the organization – and I am just getting tired of dealing with it all and having it infiltrate my brain. I’m just kind of numb. I’m trying to do my job, but it does seem that no matter how much a person does or how hard one works, it all comes for naught in the end. It is very, very discouraging.

I need a hug or three . . .

In happier news, I got a B+ in my Econ class for last semester, which I guess is pretty good, but I’m aiming for an A this semester, that’s for sure!

I start teaching ESL again next week. Yay! I’m teaching a different, more advanced level this time, so I’m a bit nervous about that. I’m hoping to get some of the materials ahead of time so I can start planning my lessons this weekend. I can’t wait to have students again – no matter how crappy my day is, at least by teaching I’m trying to make a little difference in the world. It can be frustrating, but it is still a wonderful feeling to have . . .

It also turns out that Mr. Random may be going to one of the political conventions this summer for the Random Publication. That’s such a great opportunity for Mr. Random! I won’t be going because I won’t have a press pass and I don’t want to just sit in a hotel room for umpteen hours a day . . .

My friend J and I are going to do a self-paced art course on Saturdays, which should be fun. I get to be an artist again! Also, it should keep my creative juices flowing and give me something else to look forward to during the week.

I am doing better with my eating so far this year, but the stress at work is really threatening my willpower. I’m trying to eat less starchy carbs and more veggies and proteins. If I eat a lot of bread, pasta or chips, I can feel my mood change quite a bit, so I’m trying to stay away from all that as best I can. However, if I’m stressed, I tend to go directly towards the salty chips, the quick bowl of pasta or the mound of mashed potatoes . . . and I need to watch that. For example, last night for dinner I had nachos – which are not at all healthy, but they were darn tasty after a crappy day. I have to minimize my stress eating a lot more . . . I’m not perfect, but I am trying . . .

I hope everyone is having a good week. Many happy vibes to you all!

Cloudy and Snowing Today

My word! It’s December already. Here’s my update on stuff so far – I’m going to start with the happier stuff first.

The Holidays: I’m trying to start purchasing presents now – which is a bit early for me. I have to get stuff together for my sister by the middle of next week to send a box over to her in Iraq. Also, the Random Non-profit partners with an elementary school to buy gifts for low-income families. Mr. Random and I are going to buy gifts for two kids, a 3 year old girl and an 11 year old boy, which now looks like a LOT, but I always get overly generous at this time of year. I mean, Even though Mr. Random aren’t doing great financially, we are very lucky in a lot of ways, and this is the least we can do.

Back in the Choir: I’ve started back up in the church choir for the Advent/Christmas season because this is the best time to be in a choir, you know? All of the hymns and carols, all of the lush harmonies – I couldn’t miss it for the world. The church also has a new interim minister who is very, very nice – very warm and engaging.

Layoffs at the Random Non-Profit: A higher up was let go in a shockingly crappy manner on Friday, which we found out in a staff meeting hastily put together early Monday morning. The news was greeted with eerie, angry silence. This person was one of the few people left here who actually had some institutional knowledge and cared about what was going on with the rest of the staff. A very drunken happy hour was held at the end of the day. I think this was a tipping point in a lot of our minds that we really need to get our fannies out of there. Person who was let go will be able to come out of this very well, and we aren’t worried about them, but we hate how it was handled and the screwed up rationale, which also leads to our absolute mistrust of anything that our CEO has to say from this moment forward. The CEO says there won’t be any more layoffs, but they have lied about that in the past and a number of things about our financial situation and organization don’t add up. Very unhappy at the moment . . . lots of people very unhappy at the moment . . .

Final Exams: Next week are both my final exams and I am in the crappiest mood ever to try to study for them, but study I must. I was going to do some studying last night, but I felt so disgruntled and horrible that I went to bed at 9:00 instead. I do that because otherwise I would just make everyone miserable and I can always use the sleep. There is a lot going on in my brain and I just can’t stand it anymore.

Home Front: I’m still highly annoyed about the bookcase collapse. Our condo looked decent for two whole days before everything came crashing down. I’m also not happy about a lot of other things, I really kind of need some sort of break, some peace and quiet, but none is really forthcoming. I'm not real fun to live with right now, and I know that and I'm trying not to be, even if that means going to bed at 8 PM. There is a play I’m going to on Friday night which I was hoping would lift my mood, but even that may not . . .

So I’m ending kind of grumpy and trying to not let it take over, but it is. I need a hug. I need a vacation. I need more sleep . . .

Grandmama Drama

When it rains, it pours. There is a bit of family drama going on at the moment concerning my Grandma and lack of family involvement in her upkeep. I’m not quite sure I should blog, even vaguely, about a lot of the particulars, but let’s just say that I am in a very awkward position all around. It has a lot to do with the general dysfunction and lack of communication between all of the family members involved and I am square in the middle – trying to do the best that I can without placing blame, but finding it very difficult to do so. I am tired, sad and angry about the whole thing, and it causes even more stress because I HATE confrontation and some will be needed here.

All I can say is, if this is how people treat their mother, how will they expect to be treated when they get to be her age, huh? I mean, I am just one of a large number of children and grandchildren – how am I the only one who is keeping in regular contact here, and worried about her well-being?

See, this is where I try not to place blame. There are many sides to the story and I am only hearing a few. All I know is that there is a very guarded, but unhappy 89 year old woman who needs more looking after than she is getting now, as much as she doesn’t like to admit it. I wish I could do more for her, but I can’t right now – Mr. Random and I just don’t have the resources. I know she really appreciates all that we do try to do, such as our visits every two weeks for Sunday dinner, and bringing her little fun things that she loves, but I wish . . . I could do better than that.

My friend, J, always tells me that it is the ones who try to do the most who often feel the most guilty, and J is very right there . . .

Just please send happy vibes as I try to navigate my way through the minefield that this Thanksgiving holiday is becoming. I send happy vibes back out to all of you too!

Random Important Life Announcement

As you may or may not know, all spring and summer I have been agonizing over a decision that I had to make. I have been agonizing over this decision for years, but finally this year it came to a head, where I felt like if I was going to do this now would be the time . . . because there would never really be a good time for it . . .

So ladies and gentlemen, beginning next week, I will be returning to school on a part time basis to finish my undergraduate degree. I hope to study Economics and eventually set myself up to get a Master’s degree in Public Policy.

I have always felt bad about not finishing college 17 years ago. I started college when I was 16 (because like Justrose, I attended Doogie Howser High School) and once I got there, I SO did not fit in. Being the true introvert I am, I always tried to be well read and very conscientious - academics were not as much a problem as my absolute lack of social and coping skills. I left after my junior year at Ye Old Colonial College and lived at home for a while, working part-time at first, and then a year later getting a job at what was then one of the Big Six accounting/consulting firms.

Working there was actually one of the best things that ever happened to me. I learned so much about the business world and how things are supposed to be done – it was one of those firms that sort of beat good business practices into you and made you work a crazy amount of hours. The consultants I worked with were around my age and a little older, and while I was administrative, they accepted me as a peer and I had an opportunity to work on a lot of really interesting projects. That was another lucky thing – no matter what role I served, people treated me as a peer – I did witness many of my other admin friends being treated like crap and I did what I could to help the situation – try to coach folks as it were. I guess that’s when I started being an informal advice giver of sorts too . . .

I also started working in local politics and with community groups and made many lasting friendships that way. I worked at high levels on several local campaigns, with a lot of responsibility, and learned how to work with members of the public to disseminate information, solve problems, and answer questions in a way that a great number of people could understand. I learned the importance of tailoring information to an audience. I learned how to listen to figure out what the real problem was. I learned how to develop and manipulate databases and information in a way that was useful. I learned how a community works and where to go and who to talk to . . . oh, and I met Mr. Random through all of this too . . .

I was a busy beaver out in the world - learning, meeting people, trying to do good. I moved on to other jobs. I worked for a trade association for an industry that was/is in distress. There I learned about people who made actual THINGS, people who worked in factories in dangerous jobs, who worked hard for their 8 hours of pay: the type of people who are the backbone of this country but get little recognition, especially as their numbers dwindle and their jobs get sent elsewhere in the world. I loved working for those guys, and it was heartbreaking to watch what was happening to these people and their families and the factories they were so proud of. I could tell stories . . .

I had to move on from that organization because the industry was declining so much, the writing was on the wall that they would not be able to sustain the level of staffing that would allow me to stay. So I moved on to another association for 3 years, until I came to the Random Non-Profit.

As you can tell, the Random Non-Profit has been both a blessing and a curse. I was lucky enough to be able to work in the same place as my husband for five years, I have been able to work toward a social justice cause that I believe in, and I have been able to use and develop new talents while working with people that I care about and respect. The bad parts: I have never seen a place run so poorly, the workload is overwhelming for lousy-ish pay, and the morale here is beyond unhealthy.

So, for a while I have been taking stock in myself and wondering where to go from here. I am currently in a mid-level professional position, but on paper – without finishing my degree – I can’t really move much higher. A lot of places won’t even look at me, even though I have beyond enough experience in many areas. Some people have said that I should just lie about my degree, but I can’t do that . . . that would be SO wrong, and besides the truth would come out in the end . . .

For the past 17 years, I have had this inferiority complex. I don’t tell people that I don’t have a degree, but I also don’t say that I DO either. When people ask what school I went to, I tell them and say what major I was . . . but never say that I graduated . . . people just infer what they want. Mr. Random, the sweetheart that he is, says I’m one of the smartest people that he knows . . . but I know I’m not . . .

Now, I know that in the world having a degree does not necessarily mean that one is highly intelligent – I’ve met too many highly degreed idiots for that. But so many people place so much importance on credentials . . . and I always feel really stupid next to people . . . that’s why I try not to say very much . . . I feel very sensitive about people thinking I am kind of an airhead, that I have nothing to contribute . . .

So even though I’m doing pretty well in many areas of my life (and actually have advanced very well career-wise for someone who doesn’t have a degree . . . and even for some who do) I just have to do this for myself.

I feel kind of squirrelly admitting it though. . . almost ashamed, even though I have nothing to be ashamed of . . . but still . . .

But if I don’t do it, I will always feel bad . . . and not progress . . . and drive everyone bats because I feel so stuck . . .

This will be a long road to take, but I am happy that at least I will take a first step. The first steps can be the hardest though . . .

I’m so glad you guys are here and reading! I feel happy to get it off my chest . . . and also sad too . . . it is a very vulnerable thing to admit . . . please send happy vibes if you can . . . I’m going to very much need them!

Adding to the List of Worries . . .

A little birdie just told me that there will be another set of layoffs at the Random Non-profit soon.

My brain just cannot process another random bit of crappy news today . . .

That is all . . .

I’m Sooooo Confused . . .

I’ve been feeling rather vulnerable and needy lately. Well, I usually AM very vulnerable and needy, if you’ve read my blog for a while, but really . . . these days I’ve felt even more keenly so.

There seems to be a perfect storm of things going on around me and with me – time for me to “fish or cut bait” in a number of areas at the same time, and it is all so overwhelming.

Mr. Random was in a car accident on Saturday – no one was injured, but it was scary just the same. The Random car is banged up a bit, but luckily it is built like a tank despite its comparatively smallish size.

I finally heard about something I had applied for a few months ago, and the answer I received was not what something I expected. It is an answer that leaves me in limbo, scrambling to figure out what to do and how this decision affects my plans for the fall. I cannot make any other plans until this is sorted out, however, the uncertainty at the Random Non-profit makes another part of my life quite iffy too.

There is too, too much going on right now – too much change . . . too many decisions that have too many possible consequences. I’m scared and confused and tired . . .

I thank both Mr. Random and my friend J for putting up with me and listening to my angst, even when they’d like to strangle me. I have not been easy to live with the past few days, and I realize that. I am trying to not dump all my problems on others, but at the same time it is really difficult to try to figure these things out on one’s own. I want to make sure I’m doing the right thing, you know? I want to know that I’m not going completely bonkers.

Sometimes I get really depressed, I’m so overwhelmed with the choices before me. I do realize that I am lucky to even HAVE choices, but it is still hard to deal with. I am hoping that this is just a rough stage in my life, and once I push through it, everything will be OK for while . . .

Or, I may just be delusional. That’s an option too . . .

OK, this is a post that probably made no sense, but I did feel compelled to write it. It does help to put all of this stuff out in the ether sometimes. Tomorrow, I will be back to my normal randomness and kvetching, I promise.

Let's Dance Around the May Pole

It’s May already! April went by so quickly . . . too quickly. There was a project that I meant to finish last month, which I had not yet started on. I definitely have to finish it this month or else I won’t have certain options available to me in the Fall . . . options that might be able to get me away from the Random Non-Profit sooner, rather than later . . .

My thoughts today go out to all those folks who lost their businesses in the fire at the Eastern Market on Capitol Hill yesterday. As much as I disliked the place, it was a DC icon and many folks loved its traditional ways. I was reading in the paper how for many years people wanted to upgrade the place, but the community wanted to keep it the same un-air-conditioned, un-improved building. In being resistant to change, those intentions may have contributed to its destruction since the place did not have sprinklers. I do hope the building can be saved and the place is rebuilt – I would definitely go to a new iteration of the Market.

I had a very lovely weekend. On Saturday, my friend J and I went to Goodwill and I found an awesome sweater for $4 and some great, comfy jeans for $6 (and these jeans are usually a LOT more than that!) I also saw a Michael Kors long grey pinstriped-skirt for only $5, but darn it! It was too small. It was spring cleaning day, so the Goodwill parking lot was full of cars and people dropping off clothes, furniture, books and other stuff, so I should go back in a few weeks and see what other goodies I might find there . . .

On Sunday, I went to visit my Grandmother out in the boonie-ville part of Virginia. She is always very happy to see me and Mr. Random, and this time I brought a homemade tuna casserole for us to have for dinner. She lives alone and doesn’t cook for herself much anymore, so she mostly microwaves dinners. She really enjoyed the dinner, which made me very happy. I wish she didn’t live so far away – it is an hour and a half drive down – otherwise I would be able to do more stuff with her.

I am overwhelmed with stuff I don’t want to do. Ugh! It is much too nice outside. I am lacking motivation . . . other than the need to get paid. What do you all do to pick up your spirits? I need some ideas fast . . .

The Sound of the Other Dropping Shoe

Sorry guys – I haven’t been very communicative the past few days and I haven’t been perusing that many blogs. I haven’t fallen off of the face of the earth entirely and I did want to let folks know what’s up so far . . .

Mr. Random and I are still employed at the Random Non-Profit. The layoffs did occur on Friday morning, with the CEO and the Board chair walking around the halls, stopping in the offices of those who were being laid off. There were 8 people let go in all, out of a staff of less than 50, one whole department let go along with several longtime employees – one person had been here for 19 years. It was horrible and soul sucking and afterwards there was a horrible staff meeting that reached the heights of Dilbert-esque-ness. It is a lot to process, and while I am happy not to have lost my job, I really hate the whole way this was handled and the whole new outlook of the place. That’s all I will say for now on that topic . . .

It turns out that my sister that is going to Iraq on Thursday is actually going to be stationed in Bagdad, not elsewhere in Iraq as we had hoped. My parents are going down to visit her tomorrow to watch the deployment ceremony and say good bye. I am going to call her tonight when I get back from teaching. I am going to be perpetually worried about her now, even more than before . . .

Saturday was Mr. Random’s birthday and we held a really nice dinner at the local barbeque place, where lots of our friends showed up, and then we went to see the movie, “300.” I spent most of the movie looking at my scarf – it’s kind of violent – but Mr. Random and the other guys we were with really enjoyed it . . .

I’m kind of in a holding pattern right now – a lot to think about in my personal and professional lives, lots of big questions in my head. Is there something wrong with me or with the system? Do I want to change myself and my outlook or do I want to make the world change? Do I like who I am and where I am headed?

I’m just tired and trying to get through each day right now. I can’t wait for spring to get here and for the summer to begin . . .

I promise to be peppier later . . . I’m just a little cranky right now . . .

Biting My Nails

Well, actually, I’m not one of those people who bite their nails – mine usually just break off at inopportune times. My nails grow to be long pretty quickly, so unless I am hyper-vigilant about trimming them regularly, they start to get really annoying. I am at a loss to understand those folks who have the big press-on-nails – how can they type? Or rip open a box? They just seem so dainty . . . and I am so not dainty . . .

But no, this post is not about me not biting my nails. But at this point I can see the allure . . .

As you know, I haven’t been feeling all that up to snuff in the past few weeks. It was reaching a head on Tuesday, so I went to the doctor’s to see what it might be . . .

Long story short, and not to give everyone WAY too much information, it turned out that I’m not pregnant, like I had silently hoped it might be, but that I have uterine fibroids that are just now starting to cause me great discomfort. Now it is not life threatening at all, so no worries there . . . but it may affect other things, which has me highly concerned. Also it may require anything from just taking medication to having major surgery – I won’t find out for a couple of weeks, although I’m trying to move the date of this other test I have to take up a bit . . .

So until then, I’m only a little uncomfortable but very freaked out. And I’m starting to consider the fact that I may not be a mom anytime soon after all . . .

So much to think about . . .

But please send any happy vibes you can my way . . . I’m really in need of some happy vibes right now . . .