The Cranky Lady Speaks!

Today I was working in my Random University library. They are now starting to box up shelves and shelves of reference materials – bound journals, archived magazines, technical dictionaries and the like – and send them to a central consortium storage place. You will still be able to access the materials by requesting them through the college library and there is an easy method to do so though the college computer system.

However, seeing all of the volumes being put onto carts and taken away makes me incredibly sad. One of my favorite pastimes in libraries is walking randomly through the stacks, pulling down books or topics that look interesting at the moment, and finding very surprising, fascinating bits of information. For example, one day in Ye Olde Colonial College’s stacks I found a series of bound women’s magazines from the 1940’s through the 1980’s. To look through all those volumes and see the ads and fashions of yesteryear, all of the articles of housewife-y information and advice, was quite a treat. Another time, I was wandering though and started reading old business magazines, marveling at the predictions and business practices from decades ago.

I know that in writing this I sound incredibly old fashioned, like someone nostalgic for the good old days, not sufficiently appreciative of the current technologies that allow people to access any information from anywhere. Well, I *am* appreciative – especially as a student and a researcher of sorts – but as someone who is always interested in a wide range of topics, and who sometimes depends on random connections to spark creativity, I think that the disappearance of the physical books from the scene can be considered tragic.

On another blog, someone was talking about how, as a kid, he would pull random books down from his parents’ shelves and read them as they struck his fancy. If we all have kindles or e-readers, will that moment of random discovery ever happen? Will everything in the future have to be purposefully sought out? What does this mean for future generations? I mean, I know that Wikipedia has a "random" function, but that supposes that you are constantly connected to a computer. I prefer not to spend huge amounts of time staring at a screen, and a tiny one at that! (And gee, can you tell that from my sucky posting these days?)

I also wonder why one technology has to push out another so quickly. I'd much rather continue to have choices of how I'd like my information, but it seems that especially in the newspaper realm those choices are being made for me, even though I'm willing to actually pay for the format I prefer.

These are some of the things that occupy my brain these days. Do you agree? Or do you think I need to adjust my tinfoil hat? Inquiring minds want to know . . .

Mid-Summer Bumbling Along

I’m just going to start writing and then we’ll see where all this leads.

Ready?

Shall we?

My sister stayed with myself and Mr. Random last week. She was in the area all month on leave from the Army and stayed at my parent’s house most of the time. Since she has been back from Iraq, her legs have been giving her a lot of pain, and she has trouble going up and down stairs and also walking long distances. Since Mr. Random and I live in a 3rd floor walk-up, it was a slight problem. My sister and I had talked about going to New York City for a couple of days, but it was now out of the question.

I had taken the week off and had looked forward to getting away and doing things with my sister. Instead we were mostly home-bound. She was fine with that – visited friends some days, another day we went to lunch and a shopping mall, another day to the Museum of the American Indian and then had lunch, one day we went down to visit my grandmother – kept busy. Friday, she left – flew back to the base. My sister said she had a good time, got plenty of rest, just enough time away. She’s going to get her legs checked out when she gets back to base in Texas, and will let us know what happens.

I am not sure if I had a good time or not. I’m still tired. I am happy that my sister enjoyed her time here, but I’m concerned about her health. We did a few fun things, I saw a museum that I had not been to yet, we went to an ice cream tasting, had some nice lunches and dinners, but . . . but . . .

As much fun as the Fringe Festival was, it was still in the context of the day-to-day-slog. Despite my being home and staying away from work last week. It still felt like the same daily slog – just one element taken out of it. I feel bad because I don’t feel good, if that makes any sense.

I am low on days off until Christmas break – I have to save the rest of my time so I can take off the week between Christmas and New Years. Mr. Random will have the last two weeks in August off, because Congress is in recess then and he’s not going to be working at the Conventions. I look to the rest of the year with a weary eye . . .

Oy! I’m hoping that I figure out something fun and relaxing to do soon or else I’ll be fried by the end of September . . .

Sunrise, Sunset: Another Odd Week

It’s another one of those weeks, when all I touch seems to go awry – even the simplest tasks have monkey wrenches thrown into them, making everything twenty times more aggravating than need be.

Ugh.

Last week, my dad took my mom to the emergency room in the middle of the night. Long story short: my mom had her gallbladder taken out and is home resting and walking around gingerly and having to cope with a new, low-fat diet that is mandatory for her now. It was a very rocky 24 hours in trying to figure out what was wrong with her and seeing if she got through the surgery OK. I was just a nervous, hysterical mess in waiting to hear from my dad . . .

Also last week, a co-worker’s brother died and Mr. Random and I went to visit her while she was sitting Shiva at her home. We were there in time for the evening prayers and tried to follow along as best we could in the prayer books but we don’t know Hebrew so it was a little difficult. There were a few other non-Jews there too, so we didn’t feel too out of place. My co-worker really appreciated the company, the hugs, and the concern of all her friends. It is a shame that most Christian religions don’t have the same ritual – I can see how the week of structured activities can be very helpful and comforting. You allow yourself time and space to fully grieve, and you always have people around you to help support you and take care of things during the big hump of the first week. The rabbi (or assistant rabbi) comes by every night to start the prayers and offer comfort. The whole community is there for you for an extended period. I just thought, wow. That’s cool.

So it’s been a little rough the past few weeks . . .

There IS light at the end of the tunnel. After next Friday, my classes are over for the summer. Whether I’ll be able to take a class in the Fall is up in the air (grumble, grumble) but hey, after I write my 30 page Econ paper, things should get easier.

I look forward to reading more for pleasure and having evenings free, except for the nights I teach ESL.

The weather is beautiful these days. The tons of rain we’ve had, now yields lots of gorgeous green. (Unless you have major allergies, to which I saw – hang in, the blooming season ends soon!)

I send my best wishes out to everyone! I am waving and thinking of you all, even if I'm not writing and visiting much!

Wile E. Coyote, Looking Up, Holding a Small Umbrella

I see that COTW is taking some time away after having a few life events happen. She does so much and is such an awesome person that it’s good to see her take some time to step back and rest and deal with all of the change around her.

Like I said earlier, I was sick last week, but it wasn’t really the flu – although that’s what I say because getting into what’s actually wrong with me would take too much time to get into normally.

The bottom line is that I woke up on Wednesday morning and had a huge panic attack. And then I couldn’t stop crying. Because it gets SO overwhelming sometimes – the whole grandma thing, the whole school thing, the whole work thing, the whole soon-we-are-going-to-owe-a-ton-in-student-loans thing – it all hangs over my head like an anvil being suspended by piano wire. There are a few other things going on that I haven’t had the nerve to talk about yet, but they weigh on me too.

I was so upset, Mr. Random thought that I should probably stay home. After much hemming and hawing, I agreed. I felt bad though, because my being so upset was making Mr. Random way late for work. Even when I’m not happy, I still feel worse because I’m ruining stuff for other people too. If it was just me, then I could just call in sick and be done, but when you factor other people who need me to do my part so they can do theirs, it feels such like a burden. My decisions affect others and that can make even simple decisions take forever for me.

I get tired of thinking sometimes. I want to step back and stop the show for a while and just not do anything for a while, except those things I like to do.

So Wednesday I just stayed home and slept a lot. I felt really run down and drained, so it seemed like my body was telling me that that’s what I needed. Towards the end of the day I started getting this huge headache coming on and by Thursday morning it hadn’t let up, and added some nausea in for good measure. However, I had a ton of things that needed to get done at work, so Mr. Random dropped me off as usual. Once at work, I holed up in my office, wrote the things I absolutely needed to write and then had someone take me home at noon. Then I slept some more. It’s a good thing that I went home, because between my head and my stomach, not much else was going to happen. (I know, TMI!) Friday, I made it to class and was able to send out a few work e-mails, but mostly I stayed low and didn’t do much.

Saturday was a bit of a reprieve, and my friend J and I were out and about, finding a new barbecue place for lunch and hanging out in a coffee shop afterwards, reading and working on random stuff. Then when Mr. Random got home we had dinner and walked around a bit (because I ate SO much that day!) My headache started coming back in full force that evening, and Sunday was spent just reading the paper and nodding off. Now here we are today . . . still having a low level headache and feeling blah, but at least I can somewhat function . . .

I am happy that I did well on my Econ exam, but am stressed out about this 30 page final paper that is due first week of May. I am stressed out about work because I am not really sure that I even want to be there anymore. More people are resigning, new people are coming in and I don’t know how I fit in the big picture anymore, or even if I want to fit in. I am stressed about Mr. Random’s mom coming in a couple of weeks. I am stressed out about what my future holds and other decisions that I have to make that will affect other people.

It is spring! The sun is shining and the weather is getting warmer. The summer lies before me – if all goes well my sister will be home from Iraq then – and I should be thrilled, but I’m not. I just see more . . . stuff going on, more stuff to navigate through and deal with.

I want a vacation from thinking about stuff for a little while – maybe just a month? What’s a month out of a lifetime of stuff to deal with, really? Why is this so hard to do?

I guess the whole “needing to earn a paycheck thing” has something to do with it. The whole “have to pay the mortgage” thing. I hate being responsible. Trying to be a grown-up sucks sometimes, really . . .

Sorry, guys, I just had to get this off of my chest. More cheerful posts will be forthcoming, I promise . . .

On the Broad Street Line

This morning on the Today Show, there was a feature segment on a kid who started riding on the NYC subway by himself when he was 9 years old. (I think he’s 10 or 11 now – I didn’t have the sound on for the first part.)

When I first saw the topic on the screen, my first thought was “so what?” However, I guess I am one of the few people who thought that because both Ann Curry and some psychologist lady seemed to be berating the kid’s mom for, GASP, letting little precious travel by himself. That kids that age don’t have the developmental skills to handle something like that by themselves. His mom, who was handling this thing so much more calmly than I would have, was trying to make the rational arguments that, um, he seems to be doing fine and how is he supposed to learn how to get along in the world unless he actually gets along in the world. (I think – I was getting ready for work at the time and half-paying attention.)

As you all may or may not remember, I started going to Doogie Howser MS/HS in Philadelphia (the same illustrious alma mater of Justrose) when I was 9 going on 10 and I took the subway AND the bus back and forth to school every day by myself. It was not a random unusual thing – lot of other kids did it and I do believe that the world of the 1980s wasn’t vastly safer than the world of today. I’d even argue that today is safer in a lot of ways. But what once was considered somewhat normal when I grew up is now almost grounds for child endangerment, and I don’t know how I feel about that. It kind of upsets me on a basic level.

See, this is why I’m semi-wary of having kids because the rules seems to always change about what kids should be allowed to do at what age. OK, now it’s fine that little kids are supposed to be able to start writing paragraphs in Kindergarten, but it’s not OK for the same kids to ride their bikes around the block by themselves when they’re eight. I’m so confused.

I remember how competent and independent I felt to be able to go to school by myself. Yes, the Philadelphia subway transportation system was not the most hygienic and there were some weirdoes along the way, but my parents didn’t raise any fools (although the jury may still be out on me . . .) and the majority of people in the world are good and decent and just going on about their business. If we make things uber-scary, then guess what? Kids will grow up thinking relatively normal, harmless things are uber-scary.

I don’t think this has a point. I’m just rambling. But that segment ticked me off and I’m trying to pinpoint why. Maybe because it sort of invalidates and devalues my own childhood experiences? Negates the brief feelings of control and mastery I felt as a child? (Other than in academics, I sure as heck didn’t feel that way anywhere else . . . and I still have problems with it now.)

Anyway . . . as you were . . .

The Smell of Jasmine Flowers

My friend J and I saw the movie, Persepolis, on Saturday – If you haven’t seen it: RUN, don’t walk to your nearest theater, it is so awesome! I read Marjane Satrapi’s graphic novel first and while the plot of the movie is slightly different it still effectively captures both the main plot and the tone of the graphic novel. If you aren’t moved by this film, check your pulse! I have read that they are coming out with an English dubbed version (the movie was made in French), but the version with English subtitles worked just fine for me, and I really can’t imagine it in English now. Also read the book if you can – it is definitely a work that makes you rethink your concept of what a graphic novel can be.

For the Oscars, Persepolis is nominated for Best Animated Film, but probably won’t win because it is up against Ratatouille and Surf’s Up, and it is just a travesty that it is being put against those “lighter entertainment” movies.

I have my Econ mid-term tomorrow, so I’m a bit tired and a bit numb. I met with my professor on Tuesday and while he is still on the extreme leftist side, he genuinely seemed very nice and accommodating and was quite a dear in spending time in answering my questions and working through problems. I was incredibly anxious beforehand, but I do feel a bit better about the class and where I am in it now. I’m still glad I got in another discussion section, I’m certain it will prove helpful in the long term.

I’ve been feeling kind of restless and down in the evenings, not being able to concentrate very well, doing lots of sleeping, having trouble being fully awake in the morning - even after an hour of reading the paper, showering and getting ready. I get to work very early now, since Mr. Random drops me off on his way in to his office, and I end up staying late waiting for Mr. Random to come pick me up. Like I said in an earlier post, I would gladly walk home, but it isn’t the safest neighborhood to be walking in alone at night. I feel slightly better on days when I go to school, and on weekends, since I’m usually out and about doing things I like doing.

There was a meeting at the Random Non-profit yesterday in which the guy in charge said he didn’t know why everyone was walking around so traumatized. Aren’t we starting to do some great things? You shouldn’t complain unless it is to someone who can do something about it, like him. Oh, by the way, he knows that we are down a lot of staff members and we are overburdened with work, but we should figure out on our own what we can stop doing. Oh, another by the way, another staff member is resigning as of the end of this month . . .

Gee, why would I feel so down?

On the happy side, next week starts the play-going season again in earnest. Yay! Going to see Hedda Gabler and Macbeth and maybe even Major Barbara .

What else is going on? I finished reading Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food , which is something else I highly recommend folks check out. It doesn’t say anything really that we don’t all know deep down in our hearts, but it does make you want to internalize it a bit more. It has managed to do for me what reading Fast Food Nation didn’t, and I think that’s a good thing. It’s so simple: Eat food. Not much. Mostly plants. Then you realize how easy it is to NOT eat real food, how much of what we eat in the name of eating healthier and low fat/low cal isn’t real food at all but stuff full of all sorts of chemicals and syrups that mimic real food . . . and how we really aren’t that sure how good that stuff really is for your body.

I know that COTW at A Little Off Kilter already has this way of eating down pat. If you read her blog for any length of time and look at the pictures of some of the meals she’s had – yum! She makes eating healthy look sooo easy and sooo tasty. That’s definitely what I aspire to . . .

I’m sorry I haven’t been “blog traveling” that much lately, but know that I read your comments and they bring me great joy! I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still kicking around and thinking of you. I hope everything is going well for everyone . . .

Friday Random Observations

OK, what’s the deal with all these people randomly shooting up places? I know it’s a stressful chaotic time now, but . . . wow? Some guy shoots up a city council meeting in Missouri, someone else shoots some girls at a college, and that’s just in the last 12 hours or so.

Also in the area where I live, there seems to be a guy (or a bunch of copycat guys) going around attacking women who are walking home alone – and not necessarily late at night, but in the morning and early evenings too. This is why I can’t walk home from work anymore, even though my condo is only 2 miles away and I could use the exercise. In the paper today, I read that they may have caught someone who was responsible – the cops saw him dragging a woman into the woods yesterday and caught him right away. Creepy, but from the way they described it I don’t think this is THE guy, but someone who saw an opportunity. Oy! They joys of living in an urban area . . .

Bad news and good news: Bad news is that I am totally fed up with my Econ professor – in class he is STILL going over how to graph a demand curve, while lots of the other classes have already moved on three or four chapters ahead. I am beyond frustrated and am trying really hard to keep up with this man’s thought processes, but it is really difficult. Good news – I was finally able to get into the discussion section for another class, and I start going on Monday night. The TA sent me the syllabus for the class the section is for and I just about wanted to cry. They are already starting on Chapter 6 and have completed the first exam and wrote first reaction papers. The textbook that is being used is awesome (I had to buy it to keep up with the section) and has a lot of practice problems. The professor is doing a lot of interactive discussions and there is a lot of group-work connected to current events. Well, at least I know that when I take my next Econ class, what professor I should try to get . . .

I am also very excited because even though now I am in effect taking two classes and am going to have to do a LOT more work, I think I will have the good foundation that I will need to continue on in Economics – if I survive this semester, that is . . .

Ok, as I’m typing this (in the school library yet!) there is a girl sitting next to me who is coughing up a phlegmy storm. Ewww! Sweetie, do you want a cough drop? Some Lysol? I’m quite surprised that I’m not sick more often, given how I seem to end up next to the coughers and sneezers . . .

OK, I have to actually run to my class now, but I hope that everyone is going to have a great weekend. Sending many happy vibes your way . . .

Looking Out My Window

I just wanted to share a picture of what Mr. Random and I have been seeing outside of our windows these days. The construction of townhouses on the empty lot behind us is proceeding apace, and in a few months we will have the joy of being to look directly into someone else’s kitchen and bedrooms.

For a while, we actually had a pretty good view of the horizon, but that is gone now. I am trying not to get depressed about it, but it is hard – especially when I am working at home, listening to the sounds of construction. For three years we were very lucky to be able to look out at a forest of old growth trees, where lots of birds would congregate during the day.

Mr. Random and I went to a open house of one of the model homes for this project and they are truly beautiful inside, just the right size townhome if Mr. Random and I were so inclined, but the costs – oh, it was WAY too expensive, even with the market downturn and all.

Today has been rather overcast and drizzly, which isn’t helping my mood. I am going to teach tonight, which is always a joy, and I am well prepared for tonight’s class. Preparing lesson plans are always such fun – it’s like a puzzle, trying to figure out what activities and exercises will reinforce the evenings lessons, figuring out how much of class should be interactions between groups of students rather than just me leading them in exercises, trying to figure out how to keep the evening interesting for both the class and for me. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I fall short, but I love the process of it all and wish I could hurry up and figure out a way to make a living at something like this sooner rather than later. Although, I think part of the fun of it is that there isn’t any pressure as a volunteer, so I just need to keep on keeping on and get what joy I can out of it for as long as I can.

The weekend was very laid back, which was good. Next weekend, we will spend Super Bowl Sunday visiting my grandma, which is fine by me since I’m not a huge football fan. Saturday will be my usual forays into creating art and hanging out with friends, which I always heartily enjoy.

Hope your days are going well . . .

Grandmama Drama

When it rains, it pours. There is a bit of family drama going on at the moment concerning my Grandma and lack of family involvement in her upkeep. I’m not quite sure I should blog, even vaguely, about a lot of the particulars, but let’s just say that I am in a very awkward position all around. It has a lot to do with the general dysfunction and lack of communication between all of the family members involved and I am square in the middle – trying to do the best that I can without placing blame, but finding it very difficult to do so. I am tired, sad and angry about the whole thing, and it causes even more stress because I HATE confrontation and some will be needed here.

All I can say is, if this is how people treat their mother, how will they expect to be treated when they get to be her age, huh? I mean, I am just one of a large number of children and grandchildren – how am I the only one who is keeping in regular contact here, and worried about her well-being?

See, this is where I try not to place blame. There are many sides to the story and I am only hearing a few. All I know is that there is a very guarded, but unhappy 89 year old woman who needs more looking after than she is getting now, as much as she doesn’t like to admit it. I wish I could do more for her, but I can’t right now – Mr. Random and I just don’t have the resources. I know she really appreciates all that we do try to do, such as our visits every two weeks for Sunday dinner, and bringing her little fun things that she loves, but I wish . . . I could do better than that.

My friend, J, always tells me that it is the ones who try to do the most who often feel the most guilty, and J is very right there . . .

Just please send happy vibes as I try to navigate my way through the minefield that this Thanksgiving holiday is becoming. I send happy vibes back out to all of you too!

What's New, Pussycat? Woe, Woe, Woe

The Random Non-profit is wearying me to no end.

Sometimes you know that you have to make a change, but you don’t because there are always 8 million excuses – many very legitimate – but excuses just the same.

I think I am done freaking out about school for a while. Now I know how stuff works, what my schedule needs to be, what to expect, where I need to shore up my deficiencies. I can DO this! I am excited and confident. It may not go as perfectly as I hoped, but I can get through it pretty well I think. I have to keep in mind that the goal is to learn a lot and enjoy it . . . and get the piece of paper at the end so I can say I have one. Oh, and eventually get a Master’s degree. Because, that’s what I’ve wanted to do all along, but there’s the pesky thing about finishing undergrad. Mr. Random says I would do just as well as or better than the people in his program, and observing his work I’m like, “I can TOTALLY do that!” So I persevere.

The Random Non-profit? Not so much . . .

Since Mr. Random has moved on to another job and I have started school, I’m not as willing to suffer foolishness gladly anymore. I have other stuff to worry about. I’m not finding the same commitment or ardor in my work. Now, don’t misunderstand me, I am still very committed to the cause for which the organization labors and I still hold highly my interactions with the field and my determination to do my very best to provide them with the information and guidance that they need in an efficient and professional manner. It’s all this internal BS – all these roadblocks and layers and randomly annoying meetings – that has just pushed me to my limits. To use my favorite metaphor, I’m like a vacuum that can only suck up so much crap. The organization keeps going through the same cycles and questions and angst – which way do we want to go today? – and I’ve been here enough years to have been through three or four of these things, and each time the process was very long and drawn out and soul-killing.

I’ve worked in a number of places and I know that each place has its own problems and very special brands of dysfunction, but man! This place takes the cake. And I need to leave before I get so frustrated and angry that I damage my own reputation in a fit of pique. And it is getting to that point . . . getting wicked sick last week showed me that.

My life is more than my job. Yes, the job provides money which comes in rather handy, but it is no good if I spend every day with my stomach tied up in knots or crying out of utter frustration.

Parameters: Need flexibility to go to class two mornings a week. Can glom onto Mr. Random’s health insurance, but I can’t earn too much less than I’m earning right now, just because of the mortgage and stuff. Could freelance but no one I know is in need of any help right now, or they don’t have any money to hire me.

I have no idea what to do though . . . where do I begin? That is my question of the day. Need to figure it out fairly quickly . . .

Where's John Houseman When You Need Him?

Yup, school has started and I am trying to get into the swing of things. I am still overwhelmed and freaked out, but at the moment it is the usual Random Kath level of overwhelmed and freaked out, so things are semi-normal.

There are two young women who sit next to me in my Econ class that I would really like to throttle. Despite sitting near the front, they manage to chit-chat at highly inappropriate times, usually to complain that a lot of the history chapters we are going over now they learned in AP European History and it is a huge waste of their time – this isn’t economics!

First off, shut up. Can you both be any ruder? The teacher's right in front of you. AND I’m trying to hear! Secondly, while the content may mirror that history class you took, you need to now look at it with an ear to how economic systems developed and why things are the way they are today. I find it rather fascinating, especially when reading about the conditions that led to the Great Depression and what happened in the 1970s and 1980s. How does that saying go? “Those who do not learn history are condemned to repeat it.” Or something like that? Anyway, just read the paper to see how much people have to keep learning the same lessons over and over again . . .

Anyway, even though I am the one who sat there first, I think for my sanity I'm going to have to change seats. The class has 300 people in it - the room is fairly full, though I'm sure that soon some of the students are going to drop off due to the dryness of the professor's delivery and the early-ish hour . . .

In other news, I am trying to decide whether I should give up teaching my ESL class one night a week. On one hand, it brings me great joy – I love my students and I love actually trying to impart knowledge! On the other hand, while it doesn’t take as much time as before, I still have to take time to work on lesson plans and make copies, and the class itself kills one night that could be used for studying. I also know how hard it is to find new volunteers to pick up the hole – when I was a sub, I could have been teaching every night. I also really believe in the organization I’m volunteering for, and I’d feel bad by not continuing to contribute.

This is a very hard decision for me – this would be on top of my having to give up choir practice. Mr. Random says I should just wait and see how it goes . . . I may be able to fit it in to my schedule without a problem. However, part of me thinks I have enough on my plate with work and school without trying to fit more stuff on . . . I am so conflicted, and it is making me very sad and anxious. If I am going to stop teaching, I should let the ESL folks know right away, so that they have enough time to find a sub . . .

Oy! Why is this all so hard? I thought this was supposed to be a good thing I’m doing in my life, but it just seems to add more problems . . .

On another, happier, front, I’m going to have more pictures to show you soon. I’ve actually used my camera recently. Woo hoo! On Monday night, I took pictures at another comedy open mike. It was a special occasion, so I documented the evening by taking over 500 pictures. Wow! I didn’t intend to, but it just turned out that way – you’ve got to love digital cameras in that aspect!

My brain is fried, I haven’t had that much sleep, and I have a long day and evening ahead of me. I send many happy vibes out to you all . . .

Running Out Of Air

The air conditioning unit has died in the Random Condo.

Of course, this would be during the week of 90+ temperatures. And we live on the top floor. The Random Cat is sprawled on the bathroom floor, which I guess is the relatively coolest place in the house.

Last night, not much sleep was had by me – in fact, I spent a couple of hours watching a CSPAN rebroadcast of a panel on Telecommunication Policy. It was actually very interesting, even though several of the panelists irritated the heck out of me, and the two that I actually wanted to hear more from were stuck at the end and ran out of time. I would have stayed up to watch the second panel, but they all annoyed me even more in their discussion of what “privacy” means when related to the media.

The AC repairman came by this morning and tried his best to fix it, but our unit has outlived its usefulness. New unit will cost over $3100 and won’t be available for weeks . . . well, because the demand is rather high for them at the moment, see the temperatures above.

Many fans are being deployed in the Random Condo. No chocolate chip cheesecake will be made tonight in the Random kitchen. Have to think of some non-cook type dessert, which is eluding me right now.

I am still in decent spirits despite everything . . . I think my brain may just be oxygen deprived, though . . .

This summer has been a lot of fun, hasn’t it?

Adding to the List of Worries . . .

A little birdie just told me that there will be another set of layoffs at the Random Non-profit soon.

My brain just cannot process another random bit of crappy news today . . .

That is all . . .

Another Brick in the Wall

Every so often, when I’m reading the blogs of people who have children, at some point someone always brings up the fact that it would be great if schools should be in session all year round - so working parents don’t have to arrange for extra activities and child care for their children.

Every time I read that, I always think, “Were you EVER a kid? Did you forget what it’s like? Did YOU want to be in school all year long?” I mean, I barely want to work all year long, but that’s only because I have to . . . that’s the only way they’ll pay me . . .

I know that I am not a mother yet and that I may change my tune once I have little darlings of my own. But I’ve always looked at the summer as a time to not be so scheduled, a time to do lots of exploration on your own, to read whatever you want, when you want, without having to fit it in with homework and other scheduled activities. Summer is a time when you discover the joy of learning outside the classroom – where you discover that you don’t have to be guided by teachers and you can dig deep into the things in which you are most interested. Summer is a time when you learn how to be bored and learn how to use your imagination to entertain yourself.

When I was little during the summer, my mom would take me to the library once every week or so and I would just load up on all sorts of books and spend the rest of the week just plowing through each one. The summers that my mom was working, my sister and I would spend time at the babysitter’s and occasionally we’d go to the park or the waterslides. We watched a lot of TV too, as us children of the 70’s and 80’s often did, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. It was awesome to not have to worry about things being due, to stay up late, to be so unstructured! My parents didn’t have a lot of money for enrichment activities as some people do now, but I wouldn’t have traded my periods of laziness and boredom for anything.

I still think of the summertime as sacred, a time when I put a hold on volunteering and doing the eight million “should dos” that I set up for myself over the course of the year, and just do whatever strikes my fancy. I read more, I cook more, I go to a few more fun things (thus my rampant play-going) – it’s just a nice break from the usual grind in the middle of the year. Why shouldn’t we keep that alive? Why does everyone have to be on the treadmill all of the time? Why do we want our children to get used to structure and regimentation so young? There's plenty of time in your life to learn that! That’s the best thing about being a kid – your time is your own! You have the space to be bored and to think and to be creative.

Because if you have that experience of freedom under your belt, you tend to want to keep making that time for yourself . . . and you find ways to do so. Some people even get creative enough to be able to do it all year long and still earn a living that isn’t soul sucking. That’s certainly MY goal . . .

But, to get back to my original rant, I hate the idea of having school year round. I know it makes it easier for the parents, but what will it mean for the future generations of kids? We are starting to see some of the consequences of that now – kids with impressive resumes but who can barely make a move without their parents’ guidance. I want my kids to learn that you don’t have to be in school to learn – that life is your schoolroom and there is always more to see and read and do and imagine on your own.

I just feel like sometimes that message isn’t out there anymore and it’s being smothered by the need to read by the time you’re five and to know what you want to do by the time you are finished high school, so you can go to college and get a decent paying job by the time you’re 21 or 22. That life is just this straight line from pre-school to elementary school to middle school to college to the work world and then spend fifty years working until you are either lucky enough to retire for a few years or until you then get sick and die. I want there to be another message out there that there’s another way. That you may not become rich, but that life can be fun and interesting and rewarding and full of constant learning and growing . . .

At this point, I don’t know what I’m saying . . . it’s all still jumbled up in my brain. You know those rants where people build up a head of steam and then forget where they are going? Yeah, that’s what’s going on here . . .

Do you know what I’m getting at, though? I do hope so . . .

Party of One

As a child, I often tended to sit alone, away from all of the other kids. I wasn’t the most social of children. It wasn’t that I didn’t like people or enjoy the company of others, but I just never really liked dealing with groups and group behavior. I somehow seemed to learn early that people act differently when you are talking with them one on one than when they are hanging out with a group of people. I grew up surrounded by a gaggle of loud, boisterous cousins and I wasn’t a fan of the noise and the ruckus and the mess.

You could always find me off to the side – sitting quietly in the corner or tucked away at my desk – with a book. I loved to read, and I read everything I could get my little hands on. The world was full of interesting things, and since as a child I wasn’t going anywhere, the easiest way to escape was to read. It was a comfort and a crutch. Books don’t hurt your feelings the way people do sometimes, and they tend not to disappoint.

So as my life went on, I found that I wasn’t exactly comfortable in most social situations. One on one, yes, I can be myself, but in groups I tend to just sit back and be an observer. I never knew what to say anyway, and I didn’t want to sound stupid. That’s a recurring theme in my life – not wanting to let people down and not wanting to appear stupid.

Even today, at lunchtime I don’t seek out people to eat with – I always eat lunch at my desk and then go for a walk. When Mr. Random and I worked together, we would always eat lunch together and then go for a walk. For five years, it was quite a blessing to have that time and that give and take in the middle of the day. But now that he’s gone, I’ve reverted to my natural state. Now, folks in the office peek in on me from time to time – they were all so used to me and Mr. Random hanging out in a collective unit – and making sure that I’m OK. I’ve never been a social person at work – I tend focus on the tasks I have to do, although I am sociable and am always there to help folks with their projects and offer advice – both professional and personal (I’ve always been kind of an informal life coach/resume consultant to all of my friends.)

I guess what got me thinking about it was that in a group conversation while waiting for a meeting to begin (because meetings at the Random Non-profit always start late), someone was talking about remembering the weird kid that sat off by himself at lunchtime in school – and I thought, “hey, I was a weird kid!” I was happy being the weird kid – I didn’t notice otherwise – but I guess other people don’t see it that way.

One day I was home watching a Gilmore Girls rerun, the episode where the principal makes Rory act more social at school and so she starts eating lunch with a group of girls who eventually end up getting her almost suspended in her efforts to fit in. The story ends with Rory standing up for herself by saying that she has a pretty full life outside of school – lots of friends and activities and even a steady boyfriend – and so the principal really didn’t need to be worried about her being anti-social . . .

I guess I can say the same thing – I have a lot of very awesome people in my life, and many fun and exciting things to do outside of work, so I don’t feel compelled to hang out at work – I just want to get my work done and go out and get to do my fun stuff. Now, I do “work and play well with others,” but not as much as one does when one is say, 23 and going to happy hours all the time.

Did this post make any sort of sense? It’s just been on my brain for the past few days because I guess it’s been bothering me somehow. I do miss having Mr. Random with me at work, but I also like my quiet lunch hours too . . . I just don’t like feeling like I’m being a pariah on top of all of my other issues going on right now . . . Oy!

Happy Friday, everyone . . .

It's So Hard Admittin' When It's Quittin' Time

My boss, seeing my frazzled, exhausted state the past few days, told me to take the rest of the week off. That was awfully kind of her, and I eagerly took her up on her offer.

However, I’ve spent most of today checking my e-mail waiting for a coworker to finish editing a document so I can post it to the field, and writing up a few things that someone else asked me to help them with. Well, at least I’m at home on my couch . . .

The Random Cat spent the morning glued to the balcony window, watching all of the birds flying around and perching in the trees that are left standing near out condo. She sat hunched and ready to pounce, probably ardently hoping that I would open the screen door and let her prowl. There’s no chance of that – I can just see the Random Cat leaping off of the balcony, in a very ill-advised attempt to capture a bird, and while it would provide a moment of comic relief, having to go downstairs and pick up a splattered kitty does not appeal to me at all . . .

So, I’m still on edge . . . tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment for a yearly check-up, which means I will have to drop Mr. Random off downtown and pick him up from work so I can use the car. I will also have to go into the office briefly to do something – I hope I can get there early enough to avoid people! So I’m thinking tomorrow won’t yield much rest either . . .

Maybe Friday? Fingers and toes crossed . . .

Tuesday Random Lunchtime Tunes

Today’s random song sampling:

Pick Yourself Up – Anita O’Day
No Pain, No Problem – Eddie From Ohio
Sisters – The Puppini Sisters
Satin Doll – Duke Ellington
Let Me – Sergio Mendes
Hey Eugene! – Pink Martini
Tango Suite: Allegro – Yo-Yo Ma
Doce de Coco – Yo-Yo Ma (different album)
A Mi Manera – Gipsy Kings
Brandenburg Concerto #2 in F: 3. Allegro Assai – J.S. Bach

Started off peppy, then went to mellow and stayed there. I really need more peppy music - the heat today is bringing me down, big time!

UPDATE: The little earbuds are hurting my ears - they hurt when I'm trying to take them out. Note to self: need to buy little felt things to put over the earbuds. Why wouldn't Apple have little felt things on their earbuds already installed? That's just being cheap . . . and people have to pay enough money for these things as it is? Things are never as simple as they seem . . .

The Past is Prologue

Thanks to everyone for the lovely responses to my post about my Grandpa. I am glad I was able to convey my feelings about him to the world. There are many people we meet in this life who are cool people, but who never get the recognition that we think that they should . . .

***
In my quest to continue to become a member of the 21st century, this weekend I finally got an iPod. Mr. Random had been encouraging me to get one for months, and yesterday – needing a bit of retail therapy – we went on down to the Apple Store and got one. I was filled with much anxiety about it, though – that’s a lot of money for what’s basically just a fancy gadget. (Gee, do I sound like a cranky old man?) I spent a good chunk of yesterday evening uploading half of my CDs and now have 499 songs at my fingertips.

It may just have been the luck of what I uploaded, but I seem to own a lot of really mellow music – a lot of folky stuff, a lot of classical, a lot of jazz, a lot of old standards. I like good voices, good stripped-down instrumentation and good lyrics. I do have a lot of upbeat, pop stuff . . . but, it is all on cassettes! Because my formative music-buying years were in the late 80’s/early 90’s, I have a lot of really cool music that I would love to have uploaded to my iPod so I can channel my inner 18 year old again, but doing so would be quite a pain . . . unless anyone knows of a cheap way convert them?

***
The reason I finally bought the iPod, was that I needed a bit of retail therapy. Mr. Random and I were supposed to take my parents to dinner at a local barbeque place in honor of Father’s Day, and we were going to give my dad a present of 4 tickets to a Washington Nationals game in really excellent seats. (We were giving him the tickets because we can’t use them on that date, but he doesn’t need to know that.) My Dad cancelled at the last minute, since had had to go out of town to a funeral a few days last week and wanted to help my mom get ready for her business trip to Florida for two weeks. Which, I guess is valid, but it did hurt my feelings. I actually had been looking forward to the dinner, since I hadn’t seen my folks since Mother’s Day. Also, my dad cancelled another time we had invited him to dinner while Mr. Random’s Mom was here – so there was a bit of a history. I’m probably making too much of this and I’ll get over it . . . I’m still debating whether to still give him the tickets, though . . .

***
Went to see The Tempest on Thursday. It was a good production, but I was thrown off by some of this company’s interpretations of the plot. They left out a few of the not-so-minor characters, who actually added some important elements to the plot, and portrayed Caliban as mentally disturbed and hearing voices in his head to replace the characters. I wasn’t real thrilled with that . . .

Next play up for me to see: Tom Stoppard’s Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. Wooohooo!

***
I’m doing more ESL subbing this week, this time for a drop-in conversation class. I’m used to having a set bunch of people to educate for 10 to 12 weeks, so this is a new experience for me – I don’t need to do as much lesson planning and the key is to just have everyone talk and practice their English in a non-threatening environment. Very low key . . . perfect for me to do during the summer . . .

***
The weather is going to be DC summer hot this week. I’ve already received more mosquito bites this season than I’ve received in the past 5 years: This past week brought seven mosquito bites on my legs and thighs. I now have a bottle of OFF tucked away in my purse, along with a tube of sunscreen. I will not be caught off guard again!

OK, the last few songs on my iPod have been by: Allison Krauss, Fiona Apple, Paul Simon, Eddie From Ohio, and Diana Krall. Yes, I really need to finish uploading some other albums on here or this machine is going to put me to sleep . . .

The last two CDs I bought were The Puppini Sisters’ Betcha Bottom Dollar and Pink Martini’s Hey Eugene! What does this say about me?

What are you all listening to these days? I’m looking for ideas . . .

I'm No Virginia Woolf, That's for Sure

Other Random reflections:

• I’ve never watched the Sopranos. I’m always behind the curve on those sorts of things. Or rather, I hate watching overly-hyped stuff. Besides, I can always read the recaps in the paper and be just as informed without having to sit through the show.

• However, I do like some types of purposefully cheesy TV. I love “The Starter Wife” and I’m actually glad it is only 6 episodes long – kind of like a British series. It’s fun, it’s frothy, and it will be over soon.

• The Random Cat is now down to 8 pounds, which is her ideal weight! She lost 4 pounds over the course of the year. The “cat-kins” diet worked! The vet was very happy and very surprised. However, now she feels free to try to grab food directly out of your plate if you aren’t paying attention closely enough. She’s getting pretty sneaky . . .

• Thought while watching MTV today: No one should wear bright yellow stretch pants, no matter how skinny you are. They are just hideous looking. They’re YELLOW for goodness sake!

• I broke down and created a MySpace page. My sister is Iraq kept insisting I should do it, so I did it. I guess now I am fully a part of the 21^st century. It just seems like another thing I have to check and keep semi-updated, and I’m already falling down on the job with the blog here . . . and I actually LIKE doing the blog (and keeping up with you guys, of course!)

• I really want to travel somewhere this summer, but won’t be able to unless I go by myself. Mr. Random can’t take much time off this year, with grad school and the new job and all. I, on the other hand, am going stir-crazy. I feel really bad about it too, but I hate staying still. I HAVE to explore . . . for some odd reason, it is in my blood and won’t go away . . .

• Mr. Random is itching to look for a new house right now. I am too, but I don’t think we can really afford to move right now and there is much too much going on in our lives to throw another jumble of uncertainty into the pot. I would like a bigger place with a small yard and room to entertain – we can’t really invite many of our friends over now and it is killing me – but now is just not the right time. Mr. Random is calling the mortgage guy anyway to see what we possibly might be able to afford nowadays, but I’m thinking that it wouldn’t be much more than what we have right now . . . spring certainly brings house envy, though . . .

• The good thing about being at the conference for most of the week is that I didn’t have to see or read any of the Paris Hilton nonsense, although many people were commenting in disgust asking why it had to appear on the front page of the Washington Post AND on the first page of the Style section. That’s just really sad . . .

• I wish I had better hair. It’s just slightly too short to do anything fun with, and it isn’t growing fast enough. I want Beyonce hair – but then, Beyonce doesn’t even have Beyonce hair . . . I do believe that she pays good money for such nice pieces . . .

• I can’t wait to see The Tempest at the Folger Theater this week . . . yay!

• I love watching the Tony awards every year, but I’m always sad because I never get to see any of the cool plays or musicals. It takes forever for anything to come to DC, and even then it really isn’t the same show – it has an all new cast, which may or may not do it justice . . .

. . . Just wanted to share my random thoughts today – feel free to share your own!

Monday Morning Kvetch and Moan

I’m dragging my feet on something that I really need to finish in the next two days. Once I finish it, I can let the chips fall where they may – however, I am petrified of finishing it because if I finish it, it means I may be rejected, and I hate rejection . . .

Wait. As I was writing that sentence, I realized how stupid and silly that was – if I get rejected, I’ll just move on to something else. I may feel a bit ashamed that others may know about my failure, but in the grand scheme of things, that is really not important. I mean, this step will allow me to move forward and if I don’t do it, I’ll NEVER move forward.

I have to finish by tomorrow night. I’m writing this for all and sundry to see.

Yes, this is horribly vague – all will be revealed in time, I promise!

I am really dreading this week – I’m really dreading this conference and being “on” all the time and being exhausted at the end of 14 hour days. I will be so happy when Sunday is here. What happens after the conference? Well that’s another kettle of fish I’ll have to deal with then . . .

I had a very busy, but cranky, weekend. I needed to do some shopping on Saturday, but Mr. Random had the car all day due to some miscommunication about scheduling on our parts. Went out on Sunday and got a few things, but I’m just going to have to cobble some outfits together for the conference and hope I don’t look too worn and haggard . . .

Man, I’m just a bundle of joy today. This waking up earlier thing has thrown off my whole internal body clock . . . I’ll just have to get used to it . . .

I did a trial run of walking to work and back on Saturday afternoon. Wearing t-shirt, shorts, sneakers, and only carrying a small bottle of water, it was a very hilly path and I was hot and worn out by the time I got to the office. If I do this during the workweek, it will probably be to just walk home, because walking to work on these humid DC summer mornings will just mean Random Kath gets to work a sweaty, smelly mess. There is also a bus route along the way that only costs $1 each way, so if worse comes to worse I could do that. Mr. Random also said I could drive him into town and drop him off and just come get him in the evenings, which would save on the parking costs (his new office is not near the metro at all). That is also an option . . .

I’ll try to have a more upbeat post later this evening, when I’m procrastinating horribly . . .