Thursday, October 11, 2007

What's New, Pussycat? Woe, Woe, Woe

The Random Non-profit is wearying me to no end.

Sometimes you know that you have to make a change, but you don’t because there are always 8 million excuses – many very legitimate – but excuses just the same.

I think I am done freaking out about school for a while. Now I know how stuff works, what my schedule needs to be, what to expect, where I need to shore up my deficiencies. I can DO this! I am excited and confident. It may not go as perfectly as I hoped, but I can get through it pretty well I think. I have to keep in mind that the goal is to learn a lot and enjoy it . . . and get the piece of paper at the end so I can say I have one. Oh, and eventually get a Master’s degree. Because, that’s what I’ve wanted to do all along, but there’s the pesky thing about finishing undergrad. Mr. Random says I would do just as well as or better than the people in his program, and observing his work I’m like, “I can TOTALLY do that!” So I persevere.

The Random Non-profit? Not so much . . .

Since Mr. Random has moved on to another job and I have started school, I’m not as willing to suffer foolishness gladly anymore. I have other stuff to worry about. I’m not finding the same commitment or ardor in my work. Now, don’t misunderstand me, I am still very committed to the cause for which the organization labors and I still hold highly my interactions with the field and my determination to do my very best to provide them with the information and guidance that they need in an efficient and professional manner. It’s all this internal BS – all these roadblocks and layers and randomly annoying meetings – that has just pushed me to my limits. To use my favorite metaphor, I’m like a vacuum that can only suck up so much crap. The organization keeps going through the same cycles and questions and angst – which way do we want to go today? – and I’ve been here enough years to have been through three or four of these things, and each time the process was very long and drawn out and soul-killing.

I’ve worked in a number of places and I know that each place has its own problems and very special brands of dysfunction, but man! This place takes the cake. And I need to leave before I get so frustrated and angry that I damage my own reputation in a fit of pique. And it is getting to that point . . . getting wicked sick last week showed me that.

My life is more than my job. Yes, the job provides money which comes in rather handy, but it is no good if I spend every day with my stomach tied up in knots or crying out of utter frustration.

Parameters: Need flexibility to go to class two mornings a week. Can glom onto Mr. Random’s health insurance, but I can’t earn too much less than I’m earning right now, just because of the mortgage and stuff. Could freelance but no one I know is in need of any help right now, or they don’t have any money to hire me.

I have no idea what to do though . . . where do I begin? That is my question of the day. Need to figure it out fairly quickly . . .

1 comment:

mommanator said...

Breathe! calm down! breathe again- wow- you have worked yourself up-at least that what it sounds like to me. Look for a replacement job, maybe after thanksgiving. dont jump ship right now- you are doing alot of new things- do you want another thing to get used to right now!?