Monday, September 26, 2005

Postcard From The Edge

I had a little mini-nervous breakdown on Saturday when I was hanging out with one of my friends.

I’d been kind of sick all week, actually stayed home a couple of days but didn’t actually get any rest, because I was trying to “work from home” so that I don’t use up too many more sick days. Which meant that I got little done, and the stuff I got done was rather crappy. But I made the attempt and I’m counting it. I’m really not thrilled with things at work, and have all this stuff coming up which I am dreading with a passion.

My father left a message for me at work while I was out, and when I called him back told me that my youngest sister had dropped out of college and didn’t let anyone know. I feel really bad for her, and know how she must feel. There has always been a lot of pressure to succeed in my family, and not in just any way, but in my father’s way. I went through the same thing, oh, 15 years ago, and am sad to see history repeat itself.

My Dad said that he has realized that he has had to “lower his expectations” for his daughters. I told him that that was a crappy thing to say. He said he didn’t mean it the way it came out. I know that, but it still is a sucky thing to say about your kid. It’s been on my mind ever since . . .

On Saturday I woke up at 6:30 AM . . . for no apparent reason, just couldn’t get back to sleep, but I still felt really tired and stuffy. We needed groceries, so we had a really light, but carb-laden breakfast, which made me really crabby.

Went to my friend’s house and hung out for a while, sorting through their books, because they are trying to get rid of a lot of them. I took a whole bunch for myself, not wanting some perfectly good books to go to waste. We went to get custard at the Del Ray Dreamery . . . a place I highly recommend, if you have not been there. Custard is much creamier than ice cream, and a large sugar cone is just heaven in your mouth. The Dreamery has puzzles on its tables, so we sat a while doing the huge jigsaw puzzle. It was all so very nice . . .

Then walking back to the house, I started feeling so tired and sad. And then after loading the books into the car, I just had to sit down. And then I started crying and I couldn’t stop. Thank goodness I have such great friends who are there for me . . . everything just sort of piled up and came out at once.

I’m a little better now . . . I slept most of Sunday and didn’t do much, but I’m still not feeling my best. I wish I could take some more time off . . . Mr. Random suggested it, but I’d have to take it without pay, and we really need the constant money coming in to keep the bills paid . . . but I am starting to seriously consider it.

I’m just at a loss for what to do at this point. And at a loss for what to say. But I’ll figure something out . . . I could just use a few hugs right now, cyber or real.


Gawdessness said...

One hug from me.
Been reading for a little while. Mostly because I was intrigued because your name is the same as mine.
Hope you feel better very soon.

Random Kath said...

Wow! Another reader! Yay!

So, I'm assuming that your name is either Kath or Random . . . :-)

Thanks so much for commenting, feel free to do so again. Most of what I say isn't the deepest in the world, but deeply felt if rather random.

Thanks so much for your cyberhug! I really appreciate it. I'm feeling a little better, if only because I'm bogged down with work and can't actually think about stuff too much. Hope you are having a good day.

Virginia Gal said...

oh Random Kath, I'm so sorry - super big bear cyber hug.
I wish I had some magical words to say that would make you feel better, unfortunately, I haven't been able to find them yet myself.

I actually suffer from depression and what you are describing sounds like depression, even if just a mild or temporary case, please excuse me if this is too presumptious but you might want to see your doctor. You don't have to do med's but maybe even a change in diet and lifestyle stuff could help?
Please know there are lots of us out there who think you are awesome and want the best - as they say in the movie Pretty Woman "Take care of you."

Random Kath said...

Virgina Gal:

You know the saying that "the Cobbler's family usually has no shoes?" Well, that's totally my case here . . . I work in the mental health field and know the signs and symptoms backwards and forwards. I also know all about stigma, and boy do I have that when it comes to myself.

I need to go to the doctor anyway for a checkup soon, so I'll tell her about my horrible allergies and my depressive jaunts. I just hate the idea of taking meds, but I also know that there are things I need to work on in my life, too.

Thanks so much for your very kind words. I do have to worry more about myself than others, but it seems to be hard wired into my system, you know?