Today's Random Summary

. . . I am so excited – two of my level 2 ESL students have graduated from our program! This means that they received high enough scores on the assessment exam that they did not have to take level 3 and can now go on to community college level ESL classes. Woo Hoo!

This is a first for me, but it seems like it should happen much more often. When people first take the placement test, anything could happen – they could be having a bad day, be very distracted or the evaluator could interpret their answers differently and as a result someone could end up with a lower placement score than reflects their true proficiency level. Also, the test does not test reading and writing skills very well, so you could place out of the program with excellent oral skills, but still not be able to read or write English very well at all. (As is the case with one of the folks who just placed out.) The organization is supposed to be looking at implementing a new assessment tool, but I have no idea when that will be. It is also hard to get a lot of reading and writing instruction in when you are only dealing with people 2 hours a night, twice a week, with volunteer instructors. The students are always asking for more conversation, pronunciation and vocabulary skills to help them interact better with native speakers and allow them to get better jobs.

The student who placed out of the program with poor reading and writing skills has been matched with a one-on-one tutor, who will work with him exclusively on his reading and writing – so I am very happy that he will continue to get the help he needs . . .

. . . I am a lousy commenter on other people’s blogs. Usually when I read other blogs, I only have time to sneak a peak. Other times, I don’t feel confident enough to comment. There is an old saying that I have internalized (and that I probably have wrong) “If you don’t talk people may only think you’re stupid, unless you open your mouth and prove them true.” So I tend not to say much both in real life and on blogs. My new boss has pegged me as an “observer,” which is a rather accurate assessment. . .

I have a huge inferiority complex, haven’t you been able to tell? A lot of times I think I know just enough to sound really stupid to people who actually know what I am trying to say. A lot of times, I will know what I want to say, but struggle to find the appropriate words. The picture will be in my head, but I just can’t say what it is. . .

It is really frustrating and I feel really bad about it. I think part of it is not having enough confidence – I know lots of people who are just wrong, wrong, wrong, but they say things in such a way that sounds really intelligent, if you know what I mean . . .

. . . This is going to be a beautiful and very busy weekend. I am really hoping that we get to the nursery tomorrow and buy some plants for the balcony – I feel the need to nurture at the moment. I also hope we finally get a wireless router so I can actually use my laptop as a mobile workstation, instead of being chained to the desk in the den. The den isn’t big enough for both Mr. Random and I to sit in there at the same time . . .

. . . The studio idea is on hold, but not off of the table. Last weekend we talked to some actual artists to ask about where they know of studio space and most of them said they either work out of their homes (they have enough space to do so) or find spaces in marginal neighborhoods and share the rent with 3 or 4 people. One of our desires is to have a space near where we live so that we can get to it easily and actually get a lot of use out of the space, but given those parameters it will take us forever to find a spot . . .

. . . National Poetry Month is ending. I’m sure you all will be glad to not have to see any more of my horrid attempts at poetry. I do have some decent raw material to work from should I ever wish to improve. From now on, I’ll go back to spotlighting the random cool poets and poems that I find in my wanderings. Trying to write a poem every day during National Poetry Month has increased my appreciation for the hard work that goes into crafting a good poem . . .

Moving

I hate moving.

The Random Non-profit is moving its offices this weekend, so the past week has been spent packing and throwing things out. During this time, my new boss has come on board and we are trying to find our way through the substantial tasks that are going to need to be accomplished in the near future – tasks being made infinitely harder by some recent bone-headed moves by some higher ups.

I am not a fan of change.

Now, I love having new experiences – going out and seeing what there is to see, trying new foods, meeting new people. However, I am always comforted by the fact that I can go home again – a place that by definition doesn’t need to change unless you want it to. At work, your office is kind of your home – no matter what trying things happen at work, you can always retreat to your little cubby hole and by being surrounded by your things you can start to ground yourself back to sanity.

But when all your files are put away in boxes, your pictures taken down from the walls, and your office bare but for a desk, a chair and a computer, you feel unsettled. I would prefer that they not wait until the weekend to move everything – just send us home and be done with it!

I’m still having very anxious moments – so much change going on in such a short amount of time, so many challenges thrown at me. I’m glad Mr. Random is here to talk me down sometimes – if he wasn’t, I guess I’d have to walk around the block or something . . . although if that was the case, I probably would be halfway to New York by now . . .

Oh, by the way . . . I started wearing a pedometer during the day, which has turned out to be very depressing. One day I only took 458 steps. The whole day! Mr. Random, however, has racked up at least 6,000 each day. I guess I should get up and walk around a bit more, but I have actual work to do! And I sit in more meetings all day now! I’m so afraid that by the end of the summer I’m going to have gained 20 pounds, so I really need to figure something out . . .

Tonight is the last class of the semester for the ESL program. We usually give out certificates to all of the students who participated and have a large potluck dinner afterwards. I will be so happy to have to have my summer evenings free . . .

One Window is All I Need

One window is all I need.

Of course,
It has to be a large picture window
Big as the wall
Filling the room with healing, nourishing light.

One kiss is all I need.

Of course,
It has to be a deep, penetrating kiss
Going on for hours and hours
Getting lost in the emotion and warmth.

One friend is all I need

Of course,
That friend has to be there always
For when I am happy
When I am sad
When I am lonely
When I am angry
Hearing me, helping me, holding me
Making me feel special.

One life is all I need.

Of course,
It has to be a full life
Lived without boundaries
Lived without fear
Feeling and learning and growing and being
Until the very end.

Poetry Day 24 - Bull Durham Creedo

Some friends of mine were talking about this just yesterday, so I thought is was very funny and appropriate that this subject came up today . . .

I believe in the kindness of strangers
The warmth found in the arms of one you care about
The joy found in another person’s smile
The optimism of children
The hopefulness of daydreams, of wishes, of coins in a fountain

But to live one’s life in fear, to follow the crowd, to do what’s expected
That’s not living

I believe in wishing on a star
I believe in wondering where the plane above is going
I believe in looking at the path ahead, excited by what is before you, searching for truth and beauty along the away

And I believe in second acts, second chances, third acts, third chances
Trying and failing and trying again
As long as it takes
That’s a life

Silver Linings

I’m not giving up on the poetry entirely, but as you can tell my participation in Poetry Month has been a bit spotty this week.

I’m trying not to be whiny and am failing miserably. The dreary day here in Northern Virginia isn’t helping. Mr. Random is off to play poker tonight with a bunch of our guy friends. I’m rather happy, because he hardly ever does social stuff with other people if I’m not involved, so I’m happy to see him doing something fun on his own.

It’s been a long week and I am cranky. Tonight it is just going to be me, Random Cat and the TV – at least until I fall asleep at some early hour. I am also going to work on a baby blanket that I’m knitting for a friend of mine and see if I can make some progress on that.

There’s been a mini-pregnancy explosion amongst the Random Friends. Four people I know are pregnant and due this Summer and Fall. When I hear about these things, there is a little twinge of “why not me?” and then I snap out of it and realize that I am really not ready for a kid yet – I have much too much to do, too many things that I still want to do in the near future . . .

Did you know that I might be partially renting an artist’s studio? This is one of the exciting things on the horizon for me . . . a friend and I might be going in together on renting a space. How cool! A space devoted only to art and things artistic! A place to draw and paint and print and not have to worry about ruining the dining room table or mussing the rug!

The new job is going along well, but I am still having occasional panic attacks about it. It is very overwhelming and I often am not quite sure that I know what I am doing . . . I probably need more rest than I am getting, which would make me a little more relaxed.

Random Cat has taken to sleeping with us at night again. After I have fallen asleep, she nestles herself on the comforter, right between my legs so that I can’t move during the night without waking her up. I know this because I have awakened at 2 in the morning to find a cat snoring below me . . .

[I can think of several rather vulgar jokes that I could make about this, but I will spare you all my sad sense of humor]

The weekend looks like it’s going to be rainy. Phooey! Last weekend I had a great time going to the Folger Shakespeare Library and to the Library of Congress, although both were rather underwhelming. The exhibits were kind of dumbed-down for my taste – I don’t know, I just expected something more. The Benjamin Franklin exhibit was incredibly disappointing to me, especially since I am such a fan. The Library of Congress’ permanent collection has changed a great deal since the last time I visited there 6 years ago, and not in a positive way.

I hope life is going well for everyone. I’ll keep you posted on the status of the studio.

Restless Thoughts for Spring

Where would I like to be?
Anywhere but here.

I’d love to roam the earth right now
My home in a steamer trunk
Staying in one place for a few months
Just until it felt comfortable
Like I belonged

Where you know where to get the good cup of tea
Where you know where to can go sit and think
Where you know where to find a kindred spirit

Then I’d move on and find another cozy spot
Making new friends
Seeing new things
Living a different life
Learning who I am
Learning who I want to be

Who would I like to be?
Anyone but me.

I’d love to be the witty girl
Breaking men’s hearts
Radiating confidence
Brimming with intelligence
Channeling a quiet strength
Seeming to own the earth

Someone without fear
Someone who is free to try
Someone who is free to fail

I wouldn’t be the timid mouse
Not able to make a decision
Looking for others’ approval
Eager to please
But making no one happy

When should this be?
Anytime . . . maybe now.

Poetry Day 14 & 15 - Making It Up

I'm behind! I'm behind! Have to catch up! So much to do . . .

Day 14 – More Formula Poems

Earliest memory

In the basement
Reading a book
Content, eager, relaxed
Curled up on the worn, brown shag

Heaven.


Day 15 – Emotions and Actions

What if we never met?
I might have moved away.

What if we never met?
I could have traveled the world.

What if we never met?
I would be a different person . . .

What if we never met?
Would I like the person I might have been?

Poetry Day 13 - Formula Poems

Love
Sharing, living, experiencing
Being together
Us

Contentment
Talking, laughing, kissing
In your arms
Me with you

Sorrow
Crying, sleeping, forgetting
In my mind
Me when you left

A Concrete Slab with a View

As the weather gets nicer, my thoughts turn to our balcony. When Mr. Random and I bought our condo two years ago, I really lamented the fact that I wouldn’t have a yard in which to plant flowers and assorted vegetables. Ever since I was a little girl, I always dreamed that my first home purchase would consist of a little Cape Cod with a yard in back where we’d have cook outs and a vegetable garden and my eventual little kids would have room to run and play. Nope – the brutal Washington DC real estate market dashed those dreams really quickly . . .

So now we just have a little balcony off of the living room to fulfill all of my outdoor leisure dreams. Last summer, we couldn’t use the balcony because all the balconies in the building were getting refurbished for safety reasons and we didn’t want to take the chance of plunging to our deaths. By the time our balcony was finally fixed, it was too late to get proper furniture for it (i.e. there were no more sales and the good stuff was already taken.)

This year, I want to get a little metal table and chairs (with gaily colored cushions), a couple of small evergreens in pots to put in each front corner, and a small low bench that I can put a flowerbox on to grow pansies or something. Whether all of that will actually fit is anyone’s guess, but I am a dreamer . . .

We have a lovely view from our balcony. We are in the back of the building, so we currently look out over a wooded area that is home to many, many beautiful birds and trees. The Random Cat spends hours looking out of the sliding glass doors, working herself into a frenzy wanting to burst through the window and nab any bird that happens to land on the railing. Unfortunately, at any moment they are going to start construction on a bunch of townhouses on that little patch of land, so we will soon kiss that lovely view goodbye. Sometimes I really hate urban infill development! (Yes, I know it is great from an urban planning standpoint, but still!)

I would really like to go out this weekend and get stuff, but Saturday and Sunday jam-packed with activities already. I hope we can go out next weekend if it isn’t too late to get really nice, but cheap, furniture. We went to Target last weekend and the garden furniture area was pretty much ransacked already . . .

Poetry Day 12 - Wild Card Day

How are you feeling?

I am feeling weary, so weary.
Feeling uncertain about my path-
Where should I go? What should I do?
Always thinking, thinking, thinking
So weary of thinking.

How are you feeling?

My feelings are larger than words
Words cannot quite express the feelings I have
The words are not intense enough,
Not deep enough
Only scrape the surface of how I feel.

How are you feeling?

Me? Do I have feelings?
Wandering through each day in a haze
Not quite connecting with those around me
Looking for that someone, that one
Who will unlock the key to my passions.

How are you feeling?

I am feeling everything and nothing.
I am feeling nothing and everything.
I am feeling.

Hey Man, Do You Have a Time?

One of my many addictions is magazines. They are glossy, portable and organized in easily readable bites of information – the article. Now, I’m not talking Women’s Day-five-paragraphs-and-out size - I do mean 3 or 4 pages long, but meaty and succinct. They are for when I want to read but don’t have the patience to start digging into a book. Magazines also provide a bit of a pulse into what’s going on in certain segments of the world.

At the Random household, we get an amazing number of magazines: National Geographic, Communication Arts, Metropolis, Dwell, American Prospect, Rolling Stone, In Style, Cooking Light, Sunset, The New Yorker. I used to get Atlantic Monthly for the longest time, until they started turning into another Economist and said they were dropping fiction. Used to get The Economist, but that was way expensive. Used to get Vanity Fair, but I let that lapse, but may get it again since some of the Atlantic Monthly’s previous editors have come on board.

I used to get a couple of literary magazines, Tin House and The Sun, but as of late I’ve let them lapse too. I sometimes get Rosebud when I see it on the magazine stand, but I’m not much around magazine stands these days.

My guilty pleasure is the British women’s magazine, Red, which is like Cosmo but for adult women and with much better writing. That I have to seek out each month and buy at the bookstore, because it would be incredibly expensive to get a subscription.

The problem with magazines is that for some reason the subscriptions all come due in clumps, which makes it double hard to renew. They also send out notices 6 months before the subscription runs out, and then send you a new notice about every other week until forever. That is beyond annoying . . .

Another problem is that sometimes I get so busy in the evenings that the magazines stack up, and they call to me, taunting “Read me! Read me!” So much pressure, so much guilt! It is especially true for Metropolis, Dwell, and Communication Arts since I do like to sit down with those and really dig into them, because those are subjects I am quite interested in learning more about.

I used to have a hard time getting rid of magazines . . . and I still do a bit. They are so expensive and so nice, you hate to be wasteful and throw them away! Some – like Metropolis and Communication Arts – are like reference materials, the sorts of things you want to keep around and reread again. Same for Tin House and The Sun. But then you have these stacks of clutter sitting around, so recently – but only occasionally – I’ve been starting to throw them out. I would like to give them to a library or something, but we never get quite that organized.

I wonder if anyone else is a magazine junkie like me? Or have any other irrational addictions that they’d like to share?

Poetry Day 11 - Cinquain

Today is definitely not one of my better days. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, had an early morning meeting today, and had to teach tonight. The creative juices aren't flowing too well . . .

But I want to keep this going and who knows? I may be able to rework this later . . .

Day 11 - Cinquain

Equal
Even, Level
Balance, Achieve, Emulate
Blissful, Joyful, Delighted, Gleeful
Mated

Poetry Day 10 - Diamonte

Today's poem is a Diamonte. it is a seven line poem that gradually changes from one idea to a directly opposite idea . . .

Despair
Pessimistic, Miserable
Distressing, Disheartening, Discouraging
Desperation, Melancholy, Longing, Wish
Yearning, Dreaming, Desiring
Expectant, Optimistic
Hope

Poetry Day 8 and Day 9 - I AM . . .

Since I missed a day last week, I'm doubling up today. This actually turned out pretty well because these two exercises are very similar - Both are two versions of "I Am . . ." poems.

Day 8 – I Am (version 1)

I am
Designer, Planner, Thinker
I like to both read about the world and be IN the world.
Honesty, Creativity and Intelligence are important to me.
The world is an awesome place with much to discover
I want to be open to experience
I am afraid and fear holds me back
But eventually curiosity overcomes it and pushes me forward
I love the kindred spirits I have met along the way
I am grateful to know people who accept others for who they really are
I hate intolerance and inflexibility
I am.

Day 9 – I Am (version 2)

I am a designer and a student
I wonder what my future holds
I hear the hustle and bustle of distant cities
I see the images of communities I hope to create
I want to learn more about the world
I am a designer and a student

I pretend to design a home for us to live
I feel the light and openness around me
I touch you as we sit together on the porch
I worry that our dreams will never come to pass
I cry at the thought of growing apart
I am a designer and a student

I understand that fulfilling our desires is hard
I say the future will bring us happiness, whatever form it takes
I dream that we explore the world together
I try to stay optimistic
I hope my demons do not hold me back
I am a designer and a student

Reminder: What I'm doing

As the month goes on, and the posts begin to scroll into the archives, I just want to remind folks what I'm doing here . . .

April is National Poetry Month. It is also the one year anniversary of this blog. I did not think that I could keep the blogging up for this long, but I have - which is a major milestone of sorts for me . . .

Anyway, this month I am doing the exercises found here:
The English Room: 30 Days of Poetry
http://www.msrogers.com/English2/poetry/30_days_of_poetry.htm

I do hope some of you will play along, if you can. I know the poetry I'm doing isn't the best, but having to come up with brilliant poetry everyday is pretty difficult - especially after a long day of work! I hope that at the end of the month, I will have the raw materials to be able work over some of these horrid little poems and make them a bit better. This exercise is instilling much better discipline in me to write everyday - with a topic to address, it does make things easier . . .

Wish me luck for Week 2!

Poetry Day 7 - Just Because . . .

Yikes! I missed a day! I hope to catch up this weekend, so that means three poems in 48 hours. Can I do it? We'll see . . .

Here is the Day 7 Poem:

Just Because . . .

Just because I love you
Doesn’t mean I’m never lonely
And shouldn’t imply that I’m not scared
Or that I’m not insecure anymore

Just because I love you
Doesn’t mean I’ve stopped growing
Or ceased wanting to explore other places
Or finished struggling with who I am

Just because I love you
I know you feel the same
And are lonely and scared and insecure and growing and struggling too

Just because I love you
We’ll endure these travails together
We’ll muddle through each day
And become stronger together than alone.

Poetry Day 6 - I Don't Understand

Today's exercise - Begin a poem with "I don't understand . . ." List three things you don't understand about the world or people. Name the thing you don't understand most of all. End the poem with an example of something you do understand . . .

So without further ado:

I Don't Understand

I don’t understand
Why we have to get older
Why things have to change
Why people we love have to go away

But most of all I don’t understand
Why can’t the people we know so well
And who know the real us
Why can’t they always stay in our lives
Why can’t we stay the perfect age for a few years
And not worry about being too old to do everything we want
Why we can’t just stop time for a while
And let the moments with our loved ones last forever

What I understand most is
People come and go in our lives for a reason
And become a part of us
And help make us who we are
Life is short
We can’t worry about getting older
We can do as much as we can while we are here
And love each other as long as we can.

Shedding My Insecurity Blanket

Thanks to everyone who commented . . . I really do appreciate you all stopping by!

I know that it really shouldn't matter - I really should be just writing for myself - but in the very act of having a blog, once you get comments a few times, you find that you really enjoy having people respond to your work . . .

. . . and you get used to it and look forward to it . . .

. . . but one day everyone gets pretty busy, and you can't update as much, and you do a few hysterical posts because life gets SO stressful, and sometimes people can't comment as often . . . and then when you do post you wonder, "hey, did I scare everyone away?" . . .

At least, that's what us incredibly insecure souls do . . .

. . . I probably should get some more hobbies . . . :-)

Poetry Day 5 - Three Word Forms

For this type of poem, each line is made up of three words. The last two words become the first two words of the next line. The resulting set of images should tell a story . . .

Procession

Birth, infancy, childhood
Infancy, childhood, teenage
Childhood, teenage, college
Teenage, college, job
College, job, rent
Job, rent, marriage
Rent, marriage, mortgage
Marriage, mortgage, pregnancy
Mortgage, pregnancy, parenthood
Pregnancy, parenthood, midlife
Parenthood, midlife, retirement
Midlife, retirement, grandparenthood
Retirement, grandparenthood, decline
Grandparenthood, decline, illness
Decline, illness, demise
Illness, demise, eternity.

I feel compelled to add that after I wrote this, I felt very depressed . . . I showed it to Mr. Random and he reminded me that most of this process is happy and affirming, that I shouldn't dwell on the sad parts . . . Mr. Random is an awesome guy that way . . .

We interrupt the horrible poetry for this update . . .

Week two of the new position is moving along. We're currently looking for an admin person to round out the department, but the pay for it is dismal. The VP was hoping to hire someone with a bit of experience, but anyone with any amount of decent experience will already be making much more than we are offering. The pay is better suited for someone straight out of college - someone who wouldn't mind living at home for a while or living in a group house with 5 other people, because that's just how crappy the pay is . . .

Random Cat is driving us bats with her constant begging and hunting for more food. However, she does seem to be losing a little bit of weight . . .

Mr. Random and I took both of my parents out to dinner on Saturday, since both of them turned 60 within a week of each other . . . and I can't believe that my parents are 60! I can barely believe that I'm 35 . . . I can't imagine how they must feel . . .

My dad is getting restless after 1 month on retirement. We keep saying he should get another job doing something he loves . . . going to the gym at noon everyday and hanging out around the house is getting pretty old to him. You know, if I was retired, I know PLENTY of things that I'd love to do . . . as they say, youth is wasted on the young and retirement is wasted on those who can't seem to get into relaxation mode . . . I guess part of the problem is that my mom isn't retired yet, so they can't go hang out on a beach somewhere for a month . . .

Only one month more of teaching ESL before summer break! I can't wait . . . I really need the break. My class has been awesome this semester though, but I hope after the summer that they might stick me in a different level - that will change things up a little. A new book, a new language level might energize me a bit more. Can't forget the candy though - it seems to be the main thing that keeps my students coming back . . .

Tonight we talked about weddings, and one of the students happened to have her wedding pictures with her. She's a very young Russian woman and she got married three months ago to an Air Force guy who looks WAY older. Actually he seems kind of creepy, but she seems to be happy with him . . .

The weekend was lovely and I will need another one like it soon . . .

If anyone's around, comment if you get a chance . . . I'm starting to get a complex and feel abandoned . . . :-)

Poetry Day 4 - List Poem

Why I write . . .

I write because I want to
I write because I have to
I write to get my feelings OUT!
So they are not bottled up inside . . .

I write because I want to connect
I write because I have something to say
I write even though I’m not good at it
But I’m hoping to get better . . .

I write because I need to
I write because words are beautiful
I write to see what sticks . . .
I only hope someone out there wants to read . . .

Poetry Day 3 - Opposites

Keeping the ball rolling on our Poetry Month series, today's activity had to do with "Opposites."

Choose two things that are opposites. The poem whould be two or four lines long and the first two and last two lines should rhyme . . .

My poem for today is:

The opposite of love
Does not come from above
It comes from deep within
And can turn your heart to tin.

Indifference can be too much to bear
From someone who gave you so much care
You’d rather have the passion of hate
Than the coldness they’ve shown you as of late.

Ugh . . . OK, it's not my best, but it's a start . . .

Poetry Day 2 - Synonym Poetry

For today, we were supposed to choose any word we want, then write that word in capital letters on the first line. In a thesaurus, look up three to five synonyms for the word. Write the synonyms on the second line, then on the third line write a descriptive phrase about the word. Line two and line three should rhyme . . .

It was such a beautiful day today! Spring is in the air, everything is starting to become green, there are more people out and there is a little hop in everyone's step. People are wearing shorts again and the pale, bare legs are starting to soak in the warming sun and get a little color . . .

Spring is happy! Spring is hopeful! Spring makes the heart look at the future with joy and put aside for a while the clouds of gloom . . .

In that spirit, here are my poems for today:

JOYFUL
Thrilled, delighted, gleeful, jubilant, bliss
My feeling at your glance, touch and kiss . . .

LIGHT
Brilliance, radiance, luster, incandescence
My face shines whenever I reside in your presence . . .

ADMIRE
Respect, appreciate, applaud, esteem, adore
You continually inspire me to accomplish more . . .

HOPE
Longing, wishing, craving, yearning
Instilling the desire to always continue learning . . .

FUTURE
Anticipations, expectations, prospects, outlook
Our time together is a delectably unwritten book.

Poetry Month - Day 1: Random Haiku

For Day 1 of "30 Days of Poetry," you're supposed to do Concrete Poetry - using words and their physical formation to create poetry. However, I don't have a scanner here, so there's no way I could draw a picture sufficient to demostrate this type of poetry, so I've gone to the old standby - Haiku - to start the first day of Poerty Month.

It's not very good, but at least it's a start. And by writing it down for posterity, it will give me the chance to rework it at a later date . . .

Spring Saturday Morning

Random Cat stands poised
As bird music fills the air
Aching to burst out

Thin screen holds her back
Bringing fresh spring air inside
Scents of buds and grass

Who wants to stay in
When nature beckons out?
Both cat and girl agree.