On the Sixth Day of Christmas . . .

It’s been a busy and wonderful week.

It is sad that the vacation is almost over, since it has taken me all this time to FINALLY feel relaxed and content. Only a few more days and then it’s back to the grind . . .

Mr. Random got a video iPod for Christmas from my parents (my “elves”) and he has been happily fiddling with it ever since. I also got him the remastered Beatles “Love” CD, and it has been getting quite a bit of play here at the Random Household.

On Boxing Day, we had a couple of good friends over for lunch and a couple of games of Scrabble. It was a very fun and low key day . . .

Wednesday was a lazy day –Mr. Random is still sick and I was very tired, so not much happened besides sleeping and reading.

Thursday, we made a brave trek out to Tysons Corner Center mall, where we found that the Asian restaurant we enjoyed there had folded – I don’t even think it lasted a year! We had driven all the way out there in anticipation of a yummy soup and sushi meal and had to settle for TGIFriday’s – very disappointing. After lunch, we walked around a bit and spent our gift cards on books and jigsaw puzzles. Mr. Random also bought new shoes (much needed!) and a new watch (also much needed!).

Yesterday, my sister came to visit and we all went out for Ethiopian food at Zed’s in Georgetown. She had never had Ethiopian food before and seemed to be enjoying the experience. After the huge meal, we went walking up and down M Street, looking in all of the store windows while my sister marveled at the crowds of people on the streets – the streets don’t get anywhere near that crowded in the West Texas town in which she’s stationed.

I’ll post later about the wonderful things I received . . . I just was feeling bad that I hadn’t updated the blog all week, but you all were thought about often . . .

Christmas Time is Here . . .

I’m getting ready for Christmas here at the Random Household.

I’m going to pick up my sister, L, at the airport in a couple of hours and take her down to my parents’ house, where she’ll stay for the next two weeks. We are trying to plan many fun activities while she is here – including a dinner at one of the local Ethiopian restaurants . . .

I’ve been baking sugar cookies all afternoon, while wrapping Mr. Random’s presents. Since he is still a 10 year old boy at heart, I usually give him a number of little presents, including the obligatory socks and underwear. Can’t he buy his own socks and underwear the rest of the year? Yes, but what’s the fun in that? Besides, it’s easier just to get him a bunch at Christmas and on his birthday – it’s just what we do . . .

Christmas Eve will be spent wrapping the presents for my family, making the usual sweet potato cheesecake, putting the ornaments on the tree, having a nice dinner of baked pork chops and red potatoes, then going to Christmas Eve services at our church, where the choir has 12 – yes, 12! – songs to sing. Then we’ll come home and listen to Christmas CDs (Ray Charles, Diana Krall, Charlie Brown, Ella Fitzgerald, and the fabulous “Ultimate Christmas Cocktails” jazzy 3 CD set) and have cookies and egg nog for a while. Before bed, Mr. Random and I will each open one present, usually from Mr. Random’s Mom.

When we wake up early on Christmas morning (because we are still 10 at heart) we’ll tear open our presents, ooh and aah, and then start playing with them for a while. Then I’ll make French Toast and Sausages and newspapers will be read. Then we’ll get dressed and make our way to my parents’ house where, with my two sisters and my parents, we’ll open more presents, hang out and talk and eat for the rest of the day and evening.

That’s the usual Christmas for the Randoms . . .

Faithful readers, I hope you have a Merry Christmas, Happy Solstice, Happy Hanukkah, and just Happy Being You!

Fave Foto Friday: Ra-Pum-Pa-Pum-Pum

I took this picture in early 2004. Mr. Random and I had gone to dinner up the street and this gentleman was giving quite a performance in front of the Dupont Metro station in Downtown DC. I thought this one had a definite "Little Drummer Boy" vibe . . .

After I took his picture several times, I put a dollar in the bucket. I always feel a bit queasy taking photos of people in public, even though they are the pictures I love the best. I do have to get better at that . . .

I had Mr. Random scan in a lot of my pictures to share with our family and friends, and sometimes odd shadows appear on the sides, (because he scanned them still in the mats) but you get the idea . . .

How Great Our Joy

Just announced! The title of the last Harry Potter book will be:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

[http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/21/AR2006122100790.html]

I’m sure that Mr. Random and I will be reserving a copy at B&N as soon as humanly possible. Yes, we’ve fallen for the hype. No, we’re not twelve. So? I don’t follow the pop culture crowd as much as I used to, but this is harmless fun and the books are really engaging . . .

All is Calm, All is Bright

Mr. Random is home sick today. He came into my office around 3:45 yesterday afternoon and almost passed out on top of my desk, admitting that he didn’t feel well and that he needed me to drive him home. There are very few times that I’ve seen him that pale and drawn, and he rarely gets very sick, so I was beside myself with worry. When I told my boss I was leaving, she told me that I should go home too (one of the perks of having your husband work there – everyone understands when one has to leave for the other . . .)

I drove home and he promptly fell onto our bed. I had to coax him into taking off his clothes and taking some medicine – his voice sounded horrible and his coughs were so guttural. He had a quite a fever going, so I opened our bedroom window wide. Mr. Random fell right to sleep and slept for a good 3 hours. During that quiet time, I thought it was a good time to pull out the Christmas wreath to put on our door and find the Christmas lights to put on the tree. I didn’t really feel all that eager to do much more decorating, since I was rather exhausted from the day myself. When Mr. Random finally woke up, I made him some homemade pasta and bean soup for dinner, along with many, many cups of Earl Grey tea.

There are days I feel that I have fully satisfied the nurturing gene inside of me, and yesterday was one of them. For once I felt as if the hustle and bustle was stripped down, if only for a few hours, and there was time to be at peace and let the inner Martha Stewart come out.

I do wish it didn’t take someone being sick, or having to be on vacation for a week, to get to that place inside where I feel comfortable enough to be wife-y/motherly. Each day is always so jam packed with things to do, and Mr. Random hardly ever sits still himself (which is part of the reason he got so sick), that the mood never presents itself when I get home at night or on the weekends.

I think a goal for the new year is that I try to carve out a little more of my life so that I can have these moments a little more often, and not wait until an outside event forces me to do so . . .

With Angelic Host Proclaim . . .

The Random digital camera’s battery ran out on Sunday morning, much to my great dismay, so I did not get pictures of all of the wonderful, uplifting events that I participated in yesterday. I just feel the need to prove that I am NOT a cranky, gloomy Gus all of the time . . .

Yesterday morning, our church held its first annual children’s Christmas pageant, which was of course incredibly adorable with the under 5’s all decked out as angels in white pillowcases and glittered gold halos with paper wings. The only under 5 boy was decked out in a pretty authentic-looking shepherd costume. The older children served as the Wise Men, and various parents served as Joseph, Mary and King Herod (with a doll as the baby in the manger.) How can anyone’s heart not melt at the sight of little kids that you are watching grow up practically before your eyes, decked out in cute little costumes and trying to sing and dance in unison. I dare you not to go “Awwwwwww.”

After church, Mr. Random and I went to Target to get gifts for a 10 year old boy. The Random Non-Profit has had a long relationship with an elementary school in our area that has a large low income population, and each year we buy gifts for many children at the school who would not otherwise get anything. Mr. Random and I went a little wacky buying stuff for our kid, but it was so much fun to pick clothes and toys out. We don’t get any names for the kids - just how old they are, their sizes, and what type of topics they are interested in (like books, sports, etc). I hope some little kid is super-happy on Christmas day . . .

Then we had lunch and we went on to the National Cathedral Choir concert. Our cheap seats were in the back off to the side, so we did not hear or see as well as those people sitting in the main hall or up in the balconies. Mental note for next year: get tickets earlier and set aside enough money to buy decent seats. The organ music was all I had hoped it would be though – hearing a rendition of “O Come, O Come Emmanuel” bouncing off of the high ceilings and the amazing stained glass windows, was just as heavenly as music can get . . .

Afterwards, we stopped by the Politics and Prose bookstore to get some gifts for my parents and Mr. Random’s Mom. We then tried to go to Café Deluxe or 2Amys for dinner, but at 2Amys there was just a crowd waiting outside to get in, and at Café Deluxe the wait was 45 minutes. We weren’t that eager to eat there, so we ended up at a restaurant in Shirlington eating salads and sweet potato fries . . .

When we got home, it was 9 PM, so I searched the closet for the wrapping paper and worked on wrapping all of the presents we bought for the little boy. After then giving a cursory glance at the Sunday papers, I went to bed totally exhausted. Mr. Random stayed up watching the Cartoon Network, as usual . . .

Volunteers from the school came by the office today to pick up all of the toys. The packages were collected in my office since I was right by the door, and I helped the volunteer lady and her little girl load all of the boxes and bags into her mini-van. It felt so wonderful that we were able to provide so may gifts and donations to the school – I’m just on a happy buzz of giving: I LOVE doing cool stuff like this that will make people happy . . . I only wish I had the money to do more, but I know that every little bit helps . . .

This is the whole point of the Holiday season, I think . . . which is why I love this time of year best of all, since so many more people join in to give to others . . .

I Wonder as I Wander Out Under the Sky . . .

I had my first performance review on Thursday with my new-ish boss. It was a rather glowing review – she’d like to see me do a bit more speaking and presenting and doing a lot less “support-role” type stuff . . .

All in all, she was rather pleased with me, and it was more than I could have asked for. No raises forthcoming though, since the Random Non-profit is not having a stellar financial year, but I am going to get a bit more vacation time next year.

So, why was I so despondent afterwards?

Well, I didn’t find out that I was having my evaluation until about 2 hours beforehand. I had a meeting in between, so I didn’t have much time to think about it and prepare for it mentally. She also asked me a lot of questions about things that I might be interested in and what I might want to do that I wasn’t quite prepared to answer – I was a bit thrown off guard, and I needed time to think through what was being asked of me. And the whole evaluation was rather rushed, since other than the time I was being asked questions, I really didn’t get to have any other input or state my own impressions of things, and have a bit of a dialogue about what’s happened in our department in the past year. I felt like I was being ambushed in a way . . .

So when I came home that night, and actually had time to sit down and think things through, I was not very happy at all with the situation. I came to the realization that I don’t like my job that much at all, and that if I had my druthers I’d find a new job in the new year.

However, several things are holding me back from doing so. One thing is the benefits, which are rather generous for any sort of workplace – for profit or non-profit. If Mr. Random and I decide to try to have a child next year, those benefits will come in terribly handy. Second thing is the flexibility – if I do get pregnant, I would be able to negotiate a very sweet part time arrangement once the child is here. Both Mr. Random’s longevity and my own would help us be able to take off when we needed to, no questions asked, since they know we are committed to getting our jobs done no matter what.

These are not frivolous reasons for staying. I know my own sanity should take priority, but we have many bills to pay, and grad school to deal with, and introducing another unsettling element (in finding a new job, and the adjustments that may need to be made there, along with the loss of flexibility) is not an attractive or wanted option right now. Mr. Random has another year and a half to go in his program. I just need to figure out how to cope with what I have now until then . . .

I have probably talked about this before, but it keeps coming back, and keeps sitting in my head with everything else stuffed up there. Please forgive me if it is tedious to listen to again . . .

So many things to think about over the Christmas break . . .

Do You Hear What I Hear . . .

Say hello to Gertrude.

She is the “new” camera I bought on Sunday at a flea market. She was the object of my drooling last week and, as it turned out that she was available for an incredibly cheap price, I snatched her up as quick as I could.

She is a Kodak Duaflex IV, vintage 1950’s. She takes 620 film, which is slightly smaller than 120 film and a bit more expensive. However, the film is still being made, which means that I will still be able to use her to take pictures, but not very often.

Her lenses are in fantastic condition – I just need to take some lens cleaner and a cotton-tip and do some detailing work to clean it up a bit. The really cool part is the viewfinder on the top of the camera, which you can’t see because the little hatch is down.

Even if I don’t use her she is still a great find, and I will gladly display her – she has such a great old-time vibe about her. I love old, film cameras . . . maybe sometime soon, I’ll get a brownie and a pinhole to complete the collection . . .

In other news, Mr. Random is all freaked out about his final assignments for class that are due on Saturday. We have some other stuff going on at the Random Non-Profit that is adding to his workload, and which is not helping his stress at all. I’m doing what I can, being as much moral support as I can be, but also staying out of the way as he needs to get stuff done. I have plenty of my own work to occupy me, so I just stress out in my own little corner . . .

Happy news! Mr. Random and I finally did get tickets to a concert at the National Cathedral this weekend, and I am extremely excited. I can’t wait to hear the acoustics in that building . . .

Major boos to the Washington, DC radio market! The much beloved WGMS classical radio station is going off the air soon, despite that fact that it was a very highly rated station (which is rare). Mr. Random and I actually listen to that station both before going to bed and getting up in the morning, and I listen quite a bit at work. I’m fairly ticked off that a quality station is getting the boot so that they can put on more sports talk and ‘Skins games. It sucks that there is nothing we can do about it – and it annoys me that we are always told to go on the internet or get satellite radio. First off, I don’t want to sit in front of the computer, or have the computer on, all freaking day. Second, I don’t want to have to cough up more bucks just to listen to the radio. . .

Yes, I know . . . I’m a total anachronism. I love old cameras and books and print newspapers and black and white films and classical music. I always hoped to share some of these things with my future children, the way my family shared them with me.

I remember being a little girl in Philly and on Sunday afternoons my parents listened to a radio station that played Big Band music and old standards most of the day. My parents were way into the Disco and the R&B and the Top 40, but they also exposed my sister and I to other music like that through the radio, since we couldn’t afford to go to any concerts and stuff. (We also watched a lot of Lawrence Welk and Hee Haw – yes, we were weird kids . . .) I was exposed to classical music through being in choir and concert band and school field trips (oh, and Bugs Bunny cartoons . . .), and then finding music on the radio expanded my knowledge a bit more.

Yes, I know you can find all of this stuff on the computer now – but it’s not the same. Everything is so fragmented now, so “you have to pay extra” to get something different or hunt through a bunch of stuff to find what you like. I know things were never simple, but they just seem to be made so much harder now . . .

. . . wait . . . I’m not saying this right . . . what am I saying? It’s hard for me to say what’s in my heart sometimes . . .

Yes, there are more choices out there. Yes, you can find whatever kind of music you want now, all you have to do is search for it on the internet. But you have to know what you are looking for first . . . and sometimes, you don’t know what that is . . .

Wait. That doesn’t make sense either. What am I trying to say? . . .

Maybe I’m just raging against the dying of the light. Maybe I feel like a lot of things that have given me comfort are being taken away, or changing too quickly for me to deal with. So much is happening – so much change in our own lifetimes – I just want some things to stay constant, that I can count on to be there tomorrow, next week, next year . . .

It’s more than just some stupid radio station . . . I think it just makes me more aware that I am getting older, and time will not stop for me. That I will become one of those old people railing about the loss of traditions, of those things that they enjoyed and clung to in the prime of their lives. A new generation is here who totally doesn’t care – the future is cool and bright and now . . .

I care. And I guess I am being left behind too . . .

Follow Me in Merry Measure

Well, I don't know what went wacky with Friday's post . . . That's what I get, I guess, for not waiting to post until I got home . . .

I'll have to try to remember to post my photos on Thursday night, when I'll have more time to play around and make sure everything is uploaded properly.

It's really sad that the week hasn't even started yet and I already want Friday to be over. Part of the reason is that we get paid on Friday, which means that I can start Christmas shopping in earnest then. I will probably get the bulk of shopping for Mr. Random done next Monday. We won't be able to start decorating until Saturday night, since Mr. Random didn't have time to try to pry the tree box out of our overstuffed closet this weekend.

I am cautiously optimistic about this week, since Friday is the Random Non-profit's Holiday party, which means that the work year is SO CLOSE to being over for me. Just a few more projects to finish up, although those projects are quite a bear.

Does anyone have cool plans for the holidays?

Favorite Foto Friday

Pax Romano's Blog participates in Fave Foto Friday, and I think it's a wonderful idea. I'll try to put up my own favorites that I've taken when I can . . .

This picture I took when I was in New Orleans in January 2004 - it is one those pictures that has a great Big Easy vibe for me. Plus, black and white film has such a great documentary feel, I think. One of the guys seems to have been cut off a bit, but I think he got chopped in the scanning process . . .

If the picture is too small, do click on it to see a bigger version. Enjoy!

Tidings of Discomfort and Ennui

I was playing around with some of the Blogger features last night and added the little random Flickr panel on the left. I’m still not sure if I like everything, but at least I’m trying to keep things a little fresh for my faithful readers!

I probably won’t keep the post labels since I won’t be able to remember what they are from one day to the next. Maybe I should just say “Random Labels” and be done with it – many more comic possibilities that way . . .

I’ve been thinking a lot more about what I want to do in the coming year. I need to focus on just two things and not try to do everything that I’m interested in at the moment. That’s always been my main problem – I try to focus on everything and then wear myself out with over scheduling and stress.

As much as I would like to do the middle school tutoring one night a week, I can’t focus on that AND teach ESL one night a week AND do Choir AND do photography AND do other random volunteering AND work full-time AND have some sort of social life that I would enjoy. I mean, it is not impossible, but it would mean more training, a different curriculum to finesse, and another organization to deal with. If I’m going to do more photography, I have to spend time and focus on it – I have to stop being such a poseur, and DO something . . .

My mood is still at an all time low. I’m tired and cranky. My energy is starting to flag. My greatest desire is to stay at home and sleep and read all day. The Random Non-profit has been a ghost town so far this week and will get worse as the weeks go on toward the end of December. I am drinking a lot more water and tea these days, if only to keep myself from eating all of the candy that’s lying around. The air has also been very dry with heaters going full blast everywhere . . . yes, I know – whine, whine, whine . . .

I had hoped to get tickets to a choir concert at the National Cathedral for next weekend, but they fell through. I had really looked forward to going and absorbing the immense wonderfulness of the place, but it was not to be . . .

Mr. Random continues to be extremely busy with his reporting class. On Saturday, he had to go cover an event in DC where he had an opportunity to speak with the DC new female Police Chief, which was very cool. He had to go to the event, write an article and submit it by the 5 PM deadline, which is much harder than it sounds. He’s been working so, so hard that I really want to get him something nice for Christmas . . .

So I am making arrangements with some “elves” to make sure that Mr. Random will get the electronic toy that he wants this Christmas – the local Santa (me) can’t quite swing the bucks for it this time. My drooling over the twin-lens reflex camera was just a crazy dream – I need to just suck up and be happy with what I’ve got for now. You can’t shop your way to happiness, even though I’d really like to try it sometime . . .

I was reading a blog where they talked about driving down a street where everyone had inflatable Santas on their lawn. Most of the comments chided in on how incredibly tacky that was . . . I hope to never live in a neighborhood where people think that inflatable Santas, snow globes, snowmen, or whatever are considered tacky. Just because they aren’t my cup of tea, I can see the seasonal humor factor in them – I’m all for people getting into the spirit, even if I don’t have the same strength of feeling. Maybe it was growing up in Philly, where neighborhood colored light displays are a high art form. Whenever I see a house outlined in oh-so-tasteful white lights, horrible as I feel to admit it, the first thought that pops into my head is “how snooty!” I’m a “colored lights” girl from way back . . . HAVE to have them on the tree. Not fond of blinking lights too much, it’s a little too neon sign-like for me, but I can see the attraction of the twinkling . . .

Wait . . . was that a little too Andy Rooney for today? Let’s try again later . . . I hope to be cheerier next time . . .

An ACTUAL Snapshot

I called this blog "Snapshots" because, at the time, I loved taking pictures. I still do, but I don't get to practice as much as I had in the past. Also, when I do take pics, they are usually for work, or uploaded to the other Random computer.

But now that I know how to upload pics ALL BY MYSELF (and it IS way easier than I thought), you guys might see a few more ACTUAL snapshots from me . . .

Tonight, let's start with this picture of the much slimmed down Random Cat stealing a hunk of bread from Panera. Unfortunately, that's the real color of our condo rug . . . I positively hate it . . . and please don't mind the old loafers in the background . . . and the fringe is from the table runner on the coffee table . . .

Random Cat is insufferable now. She is sufficiently slimmed down that now she can jump on counters - she could not before, which I thought was the best thing about her! She is also starving. all. the. time. so you if you are sitting on the couch or on the floor having a snack or a sandwich, she suddenly gets friendly and climbs all over you, trying to steal your food out of your mouth or off of your plate. She also now feels free to walk all over laptop keyboards, especially when very busy typing . . .

In short, she is now exhibiting true cat-like behavior, which is probably healthier all around, but I am ashamed to say that I rather liked it better when she was fat and lazy and lethargic . . .

Nowhere Near The Target, But Still Happy

NaNoWriMo is now over and I only wrote less than 5,000 words out of 50,000 for the month of November. Actually, that’s pretty good news, since it was the most writing I have ever been able to finish in a month, outside of this blog. In fact, I will credit the blog for helping me a great deal with this year’s project, since now I am at least posting once or twice a week. While I cannot put a winner sticker on my blog, I am proud to have the participant icon and seeing it will mean a great deal to me now. Let’s aim for at least 10,000 words in 2007!

I am in L-U-V . . . When Mr. Random and I went out to lunch on Sunday after church, we happened by an open-air antiques market. We stopped in - because we are pack-rats who love old things, even if we don’t have the money to buy any of it. At the market, we happened by a table of a man who was selling old cameras – all old film cameras, all in very good condition. He had several old Kodak Brownies in large black leather-ish cases, several old 30’s and 40’s type cameras that have the big flash bulbs that you pop out (just like you would see in an old movie where the press is taking a picture of some event), but my eyes immediately went to the absolutely gorgeous twin-lens reflex camera he had on the table. See (http://www.ozcamera.com/4_camera_types.html) and go to #3 to see what I’m talking about – it wasn’t that brand, but very similar. I have been doing nothing but thinking about that camera since yesterday and it is killing me. The gentleman let me hold it and look through it and I loved the simplicity and the design and the heft. You have to hold the camera almost to waist level and look down into the viewfinder to see what is going through the lens. The film that you would have to use is 120mm, which is the same as for a Holga (which reminds me that I need to get that film developed at some point from the pictures I took at National Cathedral – oy!) I’m not sure how much it cost (I’m SO hoping that it is reasonable), but I must go back next weekend to see if it is still there – if it is, it was meant to be mine . . .

Should I really be buying another camera right now, even though I’m hoping for a Digital DLR for Christmas? And that I have a bunch of other cameras that I need to get film developed for (the Holga 120mm B&W, the Canon A-1 35mm B&W, and the Canon AE-1 Program 35mm Color)? What if I said that I was going to become a collector, would that make it sound better?

Actually, my problem is that I hate having to get film developed – it costs actual money and takes actual time, especially since I use Professional films that you can’t just take over to CVS or Target to get developed. It was much more fun when I had access to the school’s darkroom and I could just play in the chemicals to my heart’s content. That’s why I want a digital – I can print the pictures myself, at home, without having to go through anyone else. Any mistakes I make will be mine alone . . .

Another busy week ahead, some of which may actually be pleasant. Volunteer pot-luck party tomorrow night, marathon choir practice Wednesday night, the return of Brat Night on Thursday, some sort of outing on Saturday. Mr. Random and I have to start taking out the Christmas decorations this week, too. We’ll probably put up the tree on Sunday. I miss having real trees . . . I miss that awesome evergreen smell. Hopefully, we can pick up some nice branches that we can place around the house as a substitute . . .

Do you know that I may actually be considering doing another evening of teaching in January? Not for the org that I’m teaching for now, but tutoring a small group middle school students in Literature? No, I’m not crazy – it’s just that I’ve always wanted to try to give back to younger people and nurture them in ways that I found helpful being nurtured when I was that age. I want to encourage kids to study hard and make the most of their opportunities, which is something that my parents really impressed upon me. Not everyone has such psycho . . . er, um, I meant has such committed parents working in their lives, wanting them to succeed.

I hope everyone had a great weekend! I seem to have a pattern of the first post of the week just being a random mind dump, so the next one should be more coherent . . .

Oh, No . . . Guadalajara Won't Do

Yesterday, I had a wonderful visit to one of the Random Non-profit’s sites in Philadelphia. There I was able to shadow one of the employees for a day, attend a meeting at the Philadelphia School District building where parent advocates were able to voice their concerns about some of the District’s policies, and otherwise learn what it’s like to actually work at one of the sites for a day. I got a lot from the trip that I hope to pass on to other employees here at the main office.

But do you know what the best part of the day was?

I got to ride the subway back and forth from 30th Street Station – and use an actual subway token!

You have no idea how exciting that was – I hadn’t ridden the subway or used a token since the end of tenth grade. They have newer trains now, but it still seemed the same. I took both the bus and subway to school for 5 years and I very much missed that sense of autonomy that that 10-14 year old girl had in traveling the city all by herself. It took me a long time to get that feeling back – and in many ways I still don’t have it.

Last night on Justrose’s blog, I saw her mention something about helping plan her Doogie Howser High 20th reunion. (In case you didn’t know, Justrose and I were in the same class together from 5th grade through 10th grade.) I had to leave Doogie Howser right before 11th grade because my family moved to Virginia.

As you may know if you’ve been reading this blog for a long time, I hated moving down here and I hated going to a big suburban high school. I felt very out of place, and I didn’t make any really good friends or anything. On my graduation day, I cried buckets because everything felt so unfinished, I felt so lost.

So my 20th high school reunion is coming up next year. Mr. Random’s is also. Mr. Random actually wants to go back to California for his – he lived in the same house his whole childhood and knew the same bunch of folks the whole time. He’s dying to see what happened to a bunch of people. I will have to go with him, since he also wants to show that he has a cool wife and a decent life going on out here on the East Coast. I won’t know anyone, but I’m sure I’ll be entertained by the strangeness of it all . . .

I will not be attending my 20th reunion. Why should I? I was only at the school for 2 years, I didn’t make any real friends, I have no ties, nothing or no one is there that I would want to see or talk to. It just bring back a very painful time for me and I’d rather not . . .

The really sucky thing is that I won’t be able to go to Doogie Howser’s 20th reunion. Well, I mean, I was gone the last two years and everything, so I missed a ton. I would love to see everyone, but I doubt that most would remember me. I’d be very out of place. It’s very depressing – not being a part of anything . . .

I guess that’s why being back in Philly yesterday was so bittersweet: it’s my hometown and yet, not really anymore . . . it’s a part of me, but I’m not a part of it. What is really “home” anyway? . . .

Well, at least I can gladly claim that the DC/Northern Virginia area is my true home now. It’s where a wonky-geeky-dysfunctional chick like me could find friends, get married and make her way in the world and not feel TOO out of place. I just wish there was more of a connect to the girl I used to be and the woman that I am now . . .

Twice in One Day!

I'm going to Philadelphia on a business trip tomorrow - in and out all in one day, so sadly I can't try and hook up with any local folks that I would love to see - I won't even be able to stop at the ever amazing Reading Terminal Market and get some of that fabulous Amish egg nog that I adore.

The weekend is over and I'm still a bit of a funk. I have a TON to do this week - classes on Tuesday and Thursday, Choir practice Wednesday, Mr. Random's Grad school reception on Friday night. I feel a bit overwhelmed and not rested enough.

I have a major desire to go to a fancy dress party - you know one of those holiday parties where you wear a little black dress and there is a good, jazzy band and dancing and a cash bar. I'm getting tired of potlucks and jeans and sweaters. I want to get all dolled up and have that feeling of excitement and anticipation . . .

OK, so most of the time I always felt left out and like a wallflower when I was at those things, but the last few I went to I actually had a blast. The trick is to bring your own group of friends and not care about who else is there . . . for some reason you tend to meet more people that way, go figure . . .

I had a couple of friends over for dinner on Friday night - dinner didn't quite turn out they way I'd hoped, but the guys still seemed to really enjoy the food - especially the leftover cheesecake. The only troubling thing is that they left rather early - one friend declared that 10:15 was past his bedtime - and the rest of us were rather eager to go one playing our games. Mr. Random and I are still puzzling over that one, but I hope everything is OK . . .

The holiday season has started and I have not been able to order presents yet, which makes me very unhappy. The money has to go towards other, more important things at the moment. I am one of those people who LOVES buying presents for people and the funding problem is just killing me. I am hoping things aren't impossible to get in a few weeks, but I am afraid they will be . . .

Trying to keep my chin up . . . hopefully the week will get better!

Rearranging the Deck Chairs

. . . Actually, not really.

I supposedly made some modifications to the template, but as you can tell not much has changed. It's just more of a pain to add links in the order you want them in, and for my particular template you can't move things around too much.

I added some new links and took out some I didn't use very often.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Over the River and Through the Woods

Hey! Supposedly this is de-lurking week in the Blogosphere, so if you’re a reader of my blog, do give a shout out and say hi. I don’t have counters or anything, so I have no idea how many people read this thing besides my faithful 4 or 5. I don’t do this for the traffic, as you can probably tell by my craptastic postings, but I do try . . .

I’ve been seeing a lot of folks posting some extremely wonderful looking recipes, and I’m thinking about giving a few a try. I am in awe of Mac at Pesky Apostrophe for keeping to the “Eat Local” sentiment as much as possible. If I lived close to the super-awesome Reading Terminal Market in Philly, I would just be in heaven! (The super horrid Eastern Market in DC just does NOT compare. If you have never visited The Reading Market, you MUST visit Philly and go, then go back to the Eastern Market and tell me what you think . . .)

Over the weekend, when I was planning my menus for this week, I put Brownie Mix on the shopping list for Mr. Random. Of course, when he came back from shopping I noticed no Brownie mix whatsoever. Hey! Mr. Random had decided that we could very well make the brownies from scratch at home, and offered to make them himself. He did so as a trial run last night, and might I say that they were just as tasty and moist – if not more – than the box kind. He said that it didn’t take any longer than using a mix, except for melting the butter. OK, we’ll see how it goes tomorrow . . .

I really do want to be the sort of person who buys wonderful fresh ingredients all of the time and makes wonderful tasty meals, but reality interferes and I get home and just want to crawl into bed with a cup of soup, if that. The holiday season is the time when my cooking muse comes out and I have the time and presence of mind to experiment and make lots of tasty treats . . .

I need to go shopping at Target this afternoon. Actually, it would be more convenient to go on the weekend, but I really don’t want to deal with the throngs of holiday shoppers that will be out. I’m probably going to do most of my shopping online – I already know what I want to get Mr. Random, it’s just a matter of pruning down the list. Now what I’m getting various family members is another story. That will take a bit of creative thinking to get nice things, but cheaply . . .

The novel is still dormant, but I hope to make progress over the weekend . . .

My ESL class is almost over and I am so, so happy about that. My students are getting fatigued and I am getting fatigued. They were a really good bunch this semester, they gelled together very quickly and helped each other out a great deal. Discussions got a lot smoother as the classes went on, and people were not afraid to try their hand at contributing their $.02 in English. Dealing with the autistic gentleman was challenging but I do think he got a lot out of the class. He needed a much more one on one interaction from me than I could give, and I do regret that. There was one student who was a bit of a pill towards the end, but as I said, there’s only two more classes left . . .

Question to anyone who is doing the Blogger Beta: Have you played around with moving stuff in the layout templates? Was it relatively simple? Did you have to start from scratch and then have to add back in all of your links? Inquiring minds want to know – I may work on the look of the blog if I have time. If I do go ahead and make changes, I’ll let you all know how it goes . . .

I haven’t had a poem in a while, and I don’t think I’ve put this one up here – even if so, I still like it . . .

What I Did to Time
By Kate Light

What I did to time was ball it up, and
throw it out, when I was unhappy,
years ago; chucked it, sprained my hand
wadding it tight, waiting for an end,
the end of a long season, haul
too long to tolerate, questions
I couldn't answer, changes I couldn't make, tall
orders hovering. Couldn't take suggestions
(stubborn pride); couldn't find solutions
(ignorance, fear); but I could hold my breath
and squeeze away a year—nuisance
years fell into faints and met their death.
Now I'd give anything to have that plethora, that stack;
to feel its truth and call its slow pace back.

Until I post again . . .

Fever for the Flavor

What’s going on with me?

From Wednesday night on, I got a nasty cold, which was not helped by standing in the rain for two hours on Thursday at an event for the Random Non-Profit.

Why were we standing in the rain? No contingency plans! Why didn’t we cancel? Because people only want to see what they want to see when they want to see it.

When I got back to the office on Thursday, I closed my door and put my head on my desk until Mr. Random could come to take me home – I felt that bad.

Stayed in bed pretty much Thursday afternoon through Saturday evening. Watched lots of Food Network, since that is pretty innocuous and I didn’t feel like I missed anything if I fell asleep for an hour during a show. I had no concentration for anything else besides staring at the TV and sleeping.

Sunday I felt a little bit better, and started planning the menus of stuff I am making for Thanksgiving and for a get together the day afterwards. For Thursday, I am taking to my parents’ house:

Green Bean Casserole (because it’s not a holiday without it . . .)

Green Onion-Cheese Popovers

Sweet Potato Cheesecake

For Friday’s get together, I am going to try to make:

Ham

Cranberry Sauce

Roasted Sweet Potatoes

Green Beans

Asparagus

Autumn Succotash

Green Onion-Cheese Popovers

Double Fudge Brownies with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce

. . . I do hope it turns out well!

Wrote 1300 words for the novel. Now up to 3300 words. Unless there’s a miracle this weekend, I will probably only get 10,000 MAX – but that will be about 9000 more words than I have written before, so that’s progress.

I am so glad this is a short week! I really need some more rest. I hope everyone else is going to have a great holiday!

What are YOU having to eat this week?

Modern Art Field Trip

I went to see this fantastic exhibit at the Phillips Collection (http://www.phillipscollection.org/html/exhibits.html) with a friend of mine on Saturday. If you are in the DC area before the end of January, and you love modern art, I highly recommend that you go – both my friend and I were blown away by the works shown, and the exhibit really deserves as second (and even third!) viewing. Mr. Random is really eager to see it, so I am hoping we can go during the Christmas break when his class is over. It will probably be much more crowded then, but at least I will have seen it in relative peace and quiet first . . .

Much more information about the exhibit (and some really cool pictures) can be found here: (http://artgallery.yale.edu/socanon/)

As for NaNoWriMo, I’m still on 2000 words . . . but they are 2000 different words, which I think is progress! I didn’t like the way my story was going, or the way it started, or even the voice, so I just decided to start all over again. I still have a few weeks. All is need is a couple of weekends and a lot of caffeine, and I should be good to go. I’m also going to try to actually donate a little bit to the program – an event like this definitely needs to be supported . . .

I am starting to plan a menu for Thanksgiving. Well, not exactly for that day, but for the day after. Mr. Random and I always go to my parents’ house for dinner on Thanksgiving, so they day after we try to do a dinner at home and invite some friends over to play games – kind of a de-stress day from the whole family thing . . .

I actually DO like to cook, especially when I have time to think things out and do it properly – however, I very rarely have time to do so, except around the holidays when I generally have more time off and more time to play in the kitchen . . .

You see, I have to be in a good mood and rather relaxed to feel like cooking, which is a state that only happens after a few days of being home and away from all sorts of work stressors. So weekends aren’t usually quite enough rest for that – long weekends usually are . . .

There was a recipe for homemade bread in last week’s New York Times’ Food section – Mark Bittman has this incredibly simple/no kneading required recipe that I am dying to try. The only catch is that the whole process takes 18-20 hours, to let the dough rise slowly – but the bread looks heavenly, and it seems that baking bread should be a full on weekend project anyway . . .

Today was a very stressful day at the Random Non-profit, and the week does not look much better. Both Mr. Random and I are deluged with work, with Mr. Random’s grad school homework added on top of it. Things are awfully tense both at the Random Non-profit and at the Random Household. I try to stay out of the way, while trying to be very encouraging, but sometimes it is hard. After being at work all day and talking about work things, I do want to come home and just be a cuddly veggie, but Mr. Random is always still working on some project for work or school. This is only temporary, I know . . . and I certainly have plenty to work on after hours, too . . . so no more complaining from me . . .

I guess I should add a few hundred more words to the “Novel” now . . . I hope everyone is doing well!

Slow Progress

I only have 2000 words written at this point, but I have a good excuse – I had to go to a conference all day Saturday and then was totally exhausted on Sunday – so much so that I never got out of my pajamas or exerted much energy beyond moving from the bed to the couch in the living room.

Also, I had to work on my homework for my online class – had been a bit behind, but I believe I am all caught up now. The last lesson was on theories of adult learning, and so I had to read about the four different theories and then analyze my own teaching style and state which theories I subscribe to, and how I apply those theories in the classroom . . . so that took a little while to do . . .

I am very glad that this semester is going to be over in a couple of weeks because I really need a break. I am also going to have to take a few more trips before the middle of December, and traveling seems to take a lot out of me. Maybe if it was more fun travel, I would not mind as much, but trying to be up and engaged all of the time can really wear a person out . . .

Anyway . . . I hope the rest of you had a restful weekend . . .

The Icon for This Year is Unveiled . . .

Here we go . . . now it's official . . . I HAVE to do this, since I have this shiny picture up here . . .

To Those About To Write, We Salute You

Ladies and gentlemen,

It’s that time of year again! National Novel Writing Month begins today.

The goal: write 50,000 words by the end of November.

Will I actually do it this year? Well, I’m definitely going to try. I do hope to do more than a couple of thousand words, that’s for sure . . .

To those of you who are actually writing your own books (Shout out to Theme Park Experience!), I honestly say I am in awe of your dedication . . .

I am having a bit of troubly uploading this year's icon onto the blog, but I'll try to get it up by the weekend.

Wish me luck!

The Week That Was

Goodness, I’ve been gone for a week! Time certainly flies . . . except when it doesn’t . . .

I was at a conference in Baltimore from Thursday through Saturday – most of the time spent in the hotel, and any time not spent in the meeting rooms were spent in my room, exhausted. The hotel we were at was pretty cool – they had just renovated all of the bedrooms so they all had state-of-the-art bathrooms with the mosaic tiles, along with flat screen TVs in front of the bed. Unfortunately, the hotel didn’t have any decent cable channels so I was stuck falling asleep to CSI:Miami. May I say that that is one show that I do NOT need to see in high definition, super-sharp TV. Eeeeeeewwww!

Saturday night, a few hours after I came home, I went to see a friend of mine perform at a hotel comedy club in Bethesda, MD. The last time I saw him perform was in January, the first night that he had returned after a hiatus of many months. This time he did wonderfully well in his 7 minute set, and many people came up to him afterwards being very complementary. I thought he was one of the best ones on the bill that night, and I’m not being biased, I swear . . .

My birthday happened while I was stuck in Baltimore and it passed by quietly – I didn’t tell anyone which made my life easier, because I really didn’t want any fuss while I was at the conference . . .

A wonderful, wonderful friend gave me Annie Leibowitz’s new book, A Photographer’s Life, which is the best birthday present EVER! She is an amazing photographer, not just for her portraits, but for her shots of her family and other documentary moments, and all of the pictures moved me in some way – some to tears . . .

Yesterday was the Marine Corps Marathon and Mr. Random easily completed his 5th one! It was a bit more confusing to find him at the end this year since they changed the finish line area, so I spent an hour moving among the masses of people trying to find him, which was next to impossible since the cell phones were either (a) not picking up or (b) you couldn’t hear the ringing. Mr. Random is in a lot of pain and questioning why he does it, but I know that it is only temporary since the Marathon is the main reason that he tries to keep in shape every year – I just fear that without it, he won’t take as good care of himself or expend as many calories . . .

I’ll stop writing for now – I actually want to get this post up today, and if I don’t stop now it will languish for the rest of the day and then I’ll never post. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend . . .

Just Following Directions . . .

On Saturday, I spent the day with a really good friend of mine. It was one of those beautiful, cool but sunny, autumn days that you hope for this time of year. We went and did a bunch of touristy type-things, as we usually like to do, taking advantage of all of the wonderful free sights that D.C. has to offer . . .

We went to Ford’s Theater, since my friend had never been, and we also spent some time at the National Archives. Of course, since this is DC, we stood in line to go through the metal detectors at the Archives and then *both* of us managed to set off the alarms somehow and had to be frisked . . . yes, I always love that part . . .

I am always amazed that people want to take pictures inside of museums and places like the archives. I mean, why? If you take a flash picture, you are helping to disintegrate the original source documents, and if you don’t use flash then you can’t really tell what you are taking a picture of, since it’s so dark. Just keep the memories in your head, people! You don’t have to take pictures of everything! . . .

But it was a lovely day with lovely company – a day to just be and do and see. Those days can be few and far between sometimes . . . especially when the workweeks and weekends are filled with activities and projects that must-be-finished-yesterday. Mr. Random had his final project due for his first class on Saturday, along with a final exam to study for, and we both were laden down with work from the Random Non-profit. So being out and about on Saturday, thinking about those things not one bit, was rather nice . . .

While we were out, I bemoaned my writing on this blog as being way depressing. In a tone of utter obviousness, my friend said that I should just write about something that made me happy . . .

Well, my dear friend . . . consider it done . . .

The Other Side of the Story

I don’t know if this is big news in other areas, but right now there are huge protests going on at Gallaudet University, the premiere college for the deaf in the United States, over the appointment of a new president to replace the popular I. King Jordan – who himself was swept into office after protests from the deaf community to be represented by one of their own. In the media, all of the coverage has been a bit one sided, portraying the protesting students and faculty as quibbling that the prospective president “isn’t deaf enough,” which is not the case at all and distorts the real issues at hand.

A friend of mine who works at Gallaudet wrote on this issue much better than I could, and I wanted to share this with everyone so you too are informed about what’s actually going on.

I don't know if you have heard about what's happening here at Gallaudet University where I work, but the students, faculty, staff, alumni, and parents have been protesting the appointment of Jane Fernandes as the next president of the university. Since the president of Gallaudet is an ambassador to the hearing world, the president of Gallaudet is also viewed quite literally as the president of all Deaf Americans. Jane Fernandes is a person that the current president, I. King Jordan, appointed to the Clerc Center (the deaf elementary and high school where I work) as the director 11 years ago. She decimated the place and fired anyone who disagreed with her. King then promoted her to Provost without going through a normal search committee 6 years ago. The community is protesting her now election as the next president to take office in January 07. The protesters took over the university last week forcing the closure of the entire campus for 3 full days. 130 plus protesters were arrested late Friday night in the dark when they could not see interpreters to know what was happening. The university is open now with only gate allowing passage on and off campus.

Tent cities have sprung up all around the country in support of the protests.

Alumni and parents from all over the country have come to support the protest movement, especially when so many of the protesters were arrested last Friday night.

Websites have sprung up detailing the [grievances against] Jane Fernandes and listing advice from several prominent members of the academic and Deaf Communities.

Please share with people you know. The more people are aware of the real issues (not the red herrings put out there by Gallaudet Administration) the more momentum this will get. Encourage local news stations to investigate and cover the story. Right now the media is presenting the impression that the students are spoiled children avoiding schoolwork and that they don't think Jane Fernandes is "deaf enough." I can assure you that that is not the case. Please visit the following websites for more information:

www.fssa.org
www.deafdc.com

Random Prose and Poetry - Rainy Day Edition

What I Did to Time
By Kate Light

What I did to time was ball it up, and
throw it out, when I was unhappy,
years ago; chucked it, sprained my hand
wadding it tight, waiting for an end,
the end of a long season, haul
too long to tolerate, questions
I couldn't answer, changes I couldn't make, tall
orders hovering. Couldn't take suggestions
(stubborn pride); couldn't find solutions
(ignorance, fear); but I could hold my breath
and squeeze away a year—nuisance
years fell into faints and met their death.
Now I'd give anything to have that plethora, that stack;
to feel its truth and call its slow pace back.

Since the debacle of my attempts at poetry for National Poetry Writing Month, I haven’t posted a poem in a while. Poetry does not come easy to me – there are times when I can not write it or understand it. These tend to be times when I feel most out of sync with the rest of the world, when I am feeling disconnected and down, when I feel overwhelmed and beaten. It is hard to appreciate the beauty and rhythm of words when you aren’t that thrilled with the actual concepts conveyed . . .

Secret Poem
— after Seferis
By Scott Cairns

Yes. I have seen the end, and yes
I was disturbed by what I saw.
That I yet glimpse occasional
and frankly stirring satisfactions
in the way the paper draws the ink
may prove one mode of consolation.

That I continue to appreciate
a morning walk, an evening's
intercourse should also speak
encouragement, no? The end
appalls. Quite so. Though I wouldn't say
the end appalls more fully

than the interim. The present
situation—electoral
absurdity, real TV, unprovoked
slaughter thoroughly explained—such
assaults attain a state insisting
that the end arrive, and quickly.

The past is ever with us, but most
have pared it to a less demanding
heft, utilitarian. For me, the past
has become lately my own
articulation of that scene
I saw, just now, as very like the end.

But I do love poetry, when I can love poetry. Sometimes it is the only way to say close to what a feeling is, and said so much better than I could ever say . . .

As the Fall wears on, I feel like I need some assurances that everything is going to turn out OK. I mean, Mr. Random is doing wonderfully in grad school, my ESL class is going well so far, we still have jobs that still sort of pay us – but there is a tinge of uneasiness about everything on my part. I don’t know whether the state of the world gets me down or what. I think that I really need some major time off. I need something fun to look forward to. I need a little creativity, a little whimsy going on in my life right now. We are kind of in a rut at the moment . . .

A Strange Disorder
By Diane Ackerman

A strange disorder rules the house
where lately slender method scared
papers into files neat as hedgerows
and caution laid its dropcloth everywhere.
Now books lie slaughtered on the rug,
the telephone rings, old letters dune
among bills and maps and coffee spoons
in a room spontaneous as a compost heap
where you work the oracle of my thoughts
and haunt the prison of my sleep.

I don’t think I’m majorly depressed or anything – I’m just kind of in limbo, waiting for something to happen, wondering if I should be making something happen, but not knowing what that something is.

My birthday is next week, but I will be out of town at a conference. In some ways, hanging out in a hotel room at night reading does sound attractive, but I do wish that I was going to be home for it. The day I return is the day before the Marine Corps Marathon and Mr. Random will need to rest beforehand, so there won’t really be an opportunity to go out when I get back. I could plan something for later, but by then it will have passed and there will be other things that require more attention – the daily schedule fills up, the nights are spoken for with school and homework and work.

Birthdays are an odd lot, aren’t they? Some people like to pretend they don’t exist, some people dread their coming, others love to celebrate the day that they are born. I’m in the last category – I think that celebrating the accomplishment of another year is a wonderful thing. I could be bummed about turning 36, but I’m not. I am kind of happy with the way I am, the way I turned out. There are some things I wish I’d done in the past, but there is still plenty of time – I’m not 100, there are more years to go . . .

I just have to remember not to compare myself to other people . . . HA! HA! That’s a lot easier said than done, isn’t it? Especially around here . . .

I am looking forward to the weekend a great deal, it’s just the weeks that are getting harder to get through . . .

Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day. You’re bumming me out, man!

Carrying a Heavy Load

It’s funny – I’ve started to write and stopped, started to write and stopped, many times today.

I’m a bit distracted, I guess. My reading has fallen down a bit in the past two weeks – but I think it was what I was reading that was the problem. A Whistling Woman started out promisingly but then there were all these story threads that I really had no patience for, which made me either not want to continue or want to skip ahead to find the thread that I actually liked. It was all a big pain, so I just read the last couple of chapters and called it finished. Life is much too short to struggle through a fiction book that isn’t an important work of some sort. I’ve started reading White Teeth and I’m proceeding cautiously, since it seems to be starting out a little bumpy . . .

My writing is suffering a lot – not just here, but elsewhere. It pains me a great deal. Inspiration has not been easily found, which I think is mostly a function of the problems I’ve been having with reading.

I’ve also been quite tired lately. On both Saturday and Sunday I took naps for several hours. The drama going on at the Random Non-Profit is weighing my brain down. If this experience does not kill me, it will make me a stronger person. However, I have another 8 months of this stuff to go through and I don’t know if I can last that long . . .

Not much exciting going on – I’m hoping this is a quiet week. Tonight, I hope to work on my lesson plan for tomorrow’s class and do a little reading for my online class. Tomorrow night – teach class. Wednesday night – Choir practice. Thursday night – online class. On Saturday, do some Theater and museum-hopping with a friend and then dinner with Mr. Random.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Pet Peeve of the Day

Not to get all “Andy Rooney” on you all, but it really bugs me when people walk onto elevators already talking on their cell phones. Can’t you wait until you get outside, or at least finish the conversation in the hall? Why do you think that everyone else in the elevator has to hear your conversation, which is so totally NOT important, by the way . . .

For the past two weeks, the same woman has been getting on the elevator in my office building just a chattering away – whether there is one other person on the elevator already or six . . .

Ok, that is all . . . I’m glad I got that off of my chest . . .

Otherwise it is just another gorgeous Fall day here in Virginia . . .

Naps Do a World of Good

I am feeling a bit better today . . . having the day off and taking a nap does add a bit of perspective . . .

I’ve just signed up to take an online class in adult learning. I’ve never taken an online class before so this should be quite interesting. I rather prefer being face-to-face with teachers and other students, to get the full give and take in the classroom and to make new friends in “meat space,” but I feel compelled to try this out. Besides, it is free and is rather low key – it’s not for a grade, but for a certificate. I’ve always been curious about how adults learn and are eager to figure out how to apply this knowledge to communications and outreach, whether by a non-profit trying to get its message out or by a campaign trying to get factual information out about a candidate and the issues involved . . .

The Random Cat also has not been acting up today . . . I get the feeling that she only likes to act up when Mr. Random is here because she feels like he is not giving her enough attention or treats. She knows that I am not willing to put up with her hissy-fits and that I will quickly put her in “her room” and close the door for a time out. The Random Cat has lost quite a bit of weight on her “cat”kins diet, but as a consequence she likes to sniff around Mr. Random and me when we are eating and try to grab the food off of our plates . . .

Watched the first part of “Casanova” on PBS last night – I love Peter O’Toole, and utterly adore David Tennant. I just heard of the guy last week when watching Doctor Who, and now I’m willing to seek him out elsewhere. It’s a really well done story, with some surprises, and I’m looking forward to the next installment on Sunday . . .

I’m going to have to find a new co-teacher for January – I just found out the person I team teach with is expecting a baby in early December. We teach on different nights and I actually hadn’t seen her in person since the end of April, so I’m glad she let me know . . . I could only imagine being quite surprised to see her at the end of November . . .

. . . And so another busy week begins . . .

The Autumn Leaves Are Starting to Fall

Hello, everyone.

It’s been a busy week and many things have been preying upon my mind lately.

Today is gorgeous and sunny here in Northern Virginia, as I sit in my bedroom and look out on the piles of dirt that the construction in back has turned the lush woods into. It lets more light into the condo, that’s for sure, but I really miss the trees. It was always so beautiful to see them turn the different colors this time of year . . .

I am in a sad mood. I finally heard from my friend, L, after about a month, and she has said that she has moved back to her hometown. I had been so looking forward to her moving back to DC, but then she needed a place to stay right away, and Mr. Random and I could not accommodate because of our frenzied schedules at that time, and now I feel responsible in some way for driving her away. It is probably not true, but I am feeling that way . . .

I only found out because I sent an e-mail to her on her birthday, and she responded with a terse “thanks!” Not leaving well enough alone, I invited her out to dinner with me and Mr. Random so that we could all catch up, and then she wrote back that she had moved back home and was too busy to write more. Maybe I’m just overly sensitive, but I’m thinking not . . .

My other friend, L, is expecting her child any day now – we’re just waiting on word. Another friend came into the office on Thursday to say hello and show off her new baby girl . . .

I am still trying to figure out what I want to do, and I am getting anxious. I feel like I am being pulled into all different directions and that I don’t have many people to share this with. It makes me feel very lonely . . .

What does it mean to be a good person? What is it that I am meant to do? I just don’t know anymore . . . and yet each day the treadmill keeps running and I keep going, trying to do the best I can, trying to add a little bit to the world in my own way, hoping that something I do is making a difference to someone . . .

Mr. Random got a perfect score on his first exam yesterday. We went out to dinner to celebrate. He’s really enjoying his class, and I am so happy for him. He also finished the Army Ten Miler today, and is not out running to get a few more miles in to finish training for the Marine Corps Marathon at the end of the month. He is also overwhelmed at work, and is going into the office tomorrow, despite it being the Columbus Day holiday. Me? I’m taking it off no matter what – I need the day off, I’m just so deep-down tired . . .

I’m at a loss for what to say next, so I’ll stop for now . . . I’m just hoping this is just the end of a bad week, and my optimism will come back really soon . . .

Farewell, Mr. Robinson . . .

Yesterday, Mr. Random and I went to the final Washington Nationals baseball game of the season. I love going to baseball games – they are so much fun to watch in person, especially when you have really involved fans around you. It was Frank Robinson’s last game managing the Nats, temporarily ending his 51st year in baseball – His farewell was quite moving and I was so happy to have been there to see it. I do hope he gets some sort of front office position, because who can imagine him just sitting at home when the new season starts . . .

The Nats really need to get some better pitchers - they gave up 6 runs in the 2nd inning - the second inning! It isn't just that one game - the pitchers seem to suck every time I see them. It isn't a Nats game unless they go through 3 or 4 pitching changes . . . and it's really bad if even *I* can tell they suck . . .

There was a shout out to Eric McClain’s Off Wing Opinion blog yesterday in the Washington Post, mentioned by Ted Leonsis in an article about the Capitals. Their season starts this week and I really want to go to one of their games this year. I have never even set foot in the Verizon Center yet, which is really sad . . .

I’m don’t really like football, so there will be no ‘Skins talk here; basically, baseball, hockey and soccer are all that I can get my head around . . . along with a little curling, once every 4 years . . .

I seem to be in a bit of a melancholy mood today (I know, you are probably asking “when are you not?”) but I am really not digging the stuff I have to do here at work this week. There is just too much to do and I keep being pulled in all of these different directions. My boss is not helpful, since she is being pulled around too, and isn’t one to sit down and prioritize and make deadlines. I know I should do so myself, but, um, she’s the boss . . .

Actually, that’s not true – there is stuff that I am psyched to do, but it is buried under all of the other junk. I may try to take a few days and work from home (if they aren’t using the earth movers behind my condo that day, that is . . .) and get some actual writing and analysis done . . .

Anther packed week ahead – Mr. Random is doing the Army Ten Miler on Sunday. They are banning the use of water bottles/backpacks and cell-phones. How am I supposed to know when to come get Mr. Random then? I don’t want to have to wait around the Pentagon parking lot until he finishes – I’ve been there, done that and almost caught pneumonia some years because it was cold and rainy. I’d hang out at the nearby coffee places, but they are usually packed with other non-running spouse waiting around.

Also, this week is packed with the usual teaching/choir/random meetings. I guess Friday night is my downtime, while Mr. Random finishes his homework and watches the season premiere of Battlestar Gallactica . . .

By the way, may I say that I love the new Doctor Who series? I didn’t watch it last time, but I saw the premiere Friday night and I guess I am hooked . . . the new Doctor is such a dashing fellow anyway . . . However, I refuse to watch anything else on that station, because I get tired of the same plots being recycled – especially the Stargates . . . you know, visit a random planet, poke, poke, oops! We got the aliens mad at us, how are we going to get out of it? Get out of the scrape just barely . . .

I want the leaves to start turning, darn it! I want to see pretty colored trees when I look out of my office window . . .

I hope everyone had wonderful weekends . . .

Sitting Down on Saturday Afternoon

It’s Fall. It’s truly Fall here in the mid-sized city . . . the weather is cool enough that you need a sweater or jacket, and the various nurseries have their pumpkin patches set up with different types of Halloween displays.

When it’s Fall, you realize that the year is almost over. You start to take stock of all the things you haven’t done and all of the things you have. You decide what you need to jettison and what you need to keep. You see if you should start something new or wait to see what the new year brings . . .

I always seem to be living inside my head . . . and not in a good way. I mean, if it was in a good way, I would hope that my writing would be better. But a lot of the time there is some work that needs to go on inside before you can even start to vocalize what it is you want.

I still don’t know what I want, but I think I’m getting closer to it than I have in the past. That’s a good thing, but now there is still more work I need to do before I even get close to verbalizing what that is . . .

Today I had lunch with a good friend of mine, who knows what he wants to do and is willing to take the time and make the sacrifices necessary to get there. He’s single, which in a way makes it easier to do than if you have another person who is relying on you . . .

Towards the end of October, I am going to turn 36 years old. I would like to say that I am happy with who I am and where I am, and I probably should. However, I still haven’t quite mastered the feat of shaking off what others might think . . .

You know, I don’t really go back and read what I have written on this blog once I have posted it. I do check for comments, but otherwise I just let my thoughts hang out there – a testament to the moment in which I feel moved to write. A lot of times I think it means that I have repeated myself a lot . . . because I do think of the same things over and over again, come up with the same arguments in my head and try to work things out. Certain situations act as triggers for certain feelings, and being the insecure gal that I am I revisit those feelings a lot . . .

I just wanted to put that out there today. Repeating myself for the umpteenth time, hoping to find a nugget of revelation in the words I keep typing. Nothing very noteworthy happened today, and my brain can’t quite handle trying to make the events of my past week coherent enough for others’ consumption . . .

Just remember that Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in your soul . . .

That line always gives me great comfort. May it carry you through this weekend too . . .

Arrested Professional Development

See, my brain can’t focus on anything too long, so after a decent night’s sleep the anxieties from the day before have disappeared and only the anxiety for the week ahead remains . . .

I’m putting a couple of business trips on my calendar for the end of October and beginning of November – for one, I’m going to be out of town for two nights (one of which is my birthday) and for the other I will be going up and back on the train on a Saturday for a day-long conference. I was told to go ahead and make the arrangements, so I just hope the Random Non-profit is going to pay for all of it. Yes, I know that it should be a given, but the Random Non-profit always seems to be teetering on the brink – so one must take nothing for granted . . .

There is a professional development organization that I want to join – it is a fairly well known organization in the non-profit field, and it has excellent networking opportunities and continuing education programs which would benefit both myself and the Random Non-profit in allowing me to learn how I should do my job, much less learn to do my job better. Most organizations pay for their employees’ memberships – a membership costs around $300 – but the Random Non-profit never pays for anything like that. They don’t even have tuition reimbursement anymore . . .

So I guess if I actually want to do well in my field I am going to have to cough up the bucks for the membership myself – which is just as well – I’m only hoping to stay at this place long enough to get enough experience to move on to a better paying organization, so it is an investment in my own growth, but I do wish the Random Non-profit wasn’t so stingy . . . it actually hurts them, in a way, since people have to look outside the organization to be able to learn and grow, which leads to a lot of talented people leaving . . .

I really need a lot of help – the longer that I am in my new-ish position, the more I realize what I don’t know and what skills I need to get – such as in how to supervise people without seeming passive-aggressive, and how to facilitate meetings better, how to do strategic planning, how to do board development, etc., etc. . . .

I guess it is a good thing that I want to improve – I could easily coast along and muddle through what I’m doing and it would past muster at this place. I just wish that it would seem helpful for the place I’m in right now – rather than in the place I want to be in 5 years . . .

Wait, did that make sense? I’m not sure . . .

Baby Shower Blues

You know it’s bad when you come home from a baby shower and go directly to your room and curl up into the fetal position . . .

It was one of those events, and it doesn’t have to be a baby shower, it could be a party or picnic or any outing that you are invited to that you aren’t quite sure who the other people there are going to be, but you go because you like the host and would show up to anything they asked . . .

I stood out like a sore thumb. I felt so self-conscious, and not for the obvious reason of being the usual raisin in the rice pudding . . .

Everyone else there was from my friend’s church, so immediately I didn’t know all of these people very well. They are all Episcopalians, so there was kind of a twin-set-and-pearls vibe going on that I am never quite comfortable with, but that I can usually shake off and have an interesting time with anyway. (for the record, I was wearing ironed khaki pants, a crisp white collared shirt, and a tasteful jean jacket, with pearl stud earrings – I thought I was being very, comfy-dressy-casual.) But these were mostly women who either were grandmothers or who had kids, save for one woman who went to law school with L, but she fit in a bit better than I seemed to . . .

Several of the women brought their children with them – one woman brought her 10 year old daughter (dressed in a smart, colorful Lily Pulitzer outfit), another woman brought her 4 year old daughter (who was also dressed in a Pulitzer-type dress), and another woman brought her little boy, who was huge for only being 6 months old (and NOT wearing anything Pulitzer.) Another woman stopped by for a little bit, and was asked how her au pair was doing . . .

There also was L’s mom, who set up the whole shower, but she was flitting around and I couldn’t get to talk to her much. She is really a cool lady – a feng shui specialist, also sells real estate, had very interesting life experiences – I usually love talking to “out there’ people like that, but today was not the day . . .

There was talk of pre-school and strollers and car seats and you-must-gets and nurseries and babysitters . . .

I was asked if I had any kids, and I gave the usual “not yet!” said in sing-songy, hopeful tones, but that wasn’t quite interesting enough. I was asked where I live, and I told them – it’s a part of the area that is both well-known but kind of hidden, because there is nothing really “cool” in that part of town. That wasn’t interesting enough. I didn’t have much to contribute in the way of baby experiences. I asked about a drawing that someone gave L at a shower on her job, it had a rather interesting story behind it, but that only lasted about 5 minutes . . .

L’s husband, C, same downstairs for just a minute to get a soda and then swiftly went back upstairs to the attic, where his office is. I really wished I could go up there and watch TV with him too – at least have a normal conversation about normal stuff and not feel so much like a freak . . .

There were little quiches and veggie trays and bread and dip and apples and cheese and cream puffs and cake and punch . . .

I don’t know what I expect at these things. I mean, I was quite honored to be invited – I mean, given the rest of the invitees, it was awesome that L wanted to include me too. I really wanted to play nice and be a most charming guest, and I’m sure that I did at the time, but after you leave something like that, it is just so draining and disappointing and you feel just need to go back under your rock . . .

So now I have all the griping out of my system and can go on with my life. L really liked the presents that Mr. Random and I came up with – a really soft, stuffed doggie, a couple of children’s books that Mr. Random and I loved when we were little, a baby blanket that I knitted for her and have been saving, and a “Coupon” for one free day of babysitting. L’s mom was just beamy from ear to ear with excitement (this will be her first grandchild.) Everyone else seemed to have a lovely time, and L was happy with how everything turned out. That’s really all that matters in the grand scheme of things . . .

However, I do believe I need to go interrupt Mr. Random’s homework for a moment, and ask for this biggest hug in the world . . .

Meaning-free, Content-free

I’m sitting here trying to write a meaningful post and I’m coming up empty. It isn’t for lack of topics to write about – many meaty things have been said on several blogs that I’d love to respond to (Theme Park Experience and Dean Dad’s, to name two) but the synapses are not firing and the words are not forthcoming. I also finished reading The Year of Magical Thinking and would love to go into a discussion about loss and coping and what it means to no longer have beside you someone that you have loved and counted on day after day for years, but I can’t seem to do it justice at the moment . . . but I do encourage people to read it, so much of it felt so true . . .

I’m in a holding pattern of sorts this week, due to my exhaustion and the major, raging headache that I had yesterday and which lingers into today. Construction has started on luxury townhomes behind the Random condo, which means they are tearing down many of the lovely trees that I would wake up to every morning, and they are being replaced by the sounds of earth-movers and saws. It is very depressing hearing trees being ripped from the ground – a horrible, guttural tearing sound that wrenches the heart . . .

Mr. Random and I went out to dinner last night to celebrate our anniversary, and while the food was delicious and the company divine, my aching head just would not play along. Also, it all seemed to go so fast – it seems that sometimes restaurants try to get you in and out so quickly that lingering over coffee seems more uncomfortable than it is worth. We went to a local restaurant that is fairly popular and rather upscale – which is why we only go on our anniversary – but they’ve changed the menu a bit, so my usual favorite dish, grilled pork chops with garlic mashed potatoes, was nowhere to be found. I ordered a large salad instead, which was tasty and much healthier, but not quite the same . . .

My ESL class this Fall is going to be quite challenging. I have an autistic gentleman in my class this time, and it is going to be a bit of a challenge working with him in the context of the whole group. He is very bright and has already learned some English in his native Costa Rica, but it is hard to gauge how patient I should be with him while still giving attention to the other 8 people in the class. I don’t know how to describe it and I don’t know what questions to even ask in what I should know or do to be more helpful to him . . .

I have a new laptop now – hooray! – it just came yesterday. It’s kind of an anniversary present, to replace the laptop that Mr. Random appropriated to use for school. I should be fawning and happy and grateful, but it’s not the same as my old one. It’s a different configuration and it doesn’t have the database on it that I needed or the same amount of gigs on the hard drive, so it kind of rankles. I know, I’m an ungrateful little cuss . . . I mean, it’s so awesome! . . . but the little things just annoy me to no end. I just need to go out and buy Access and an external drive to supplement, and I’ll be good to go . . .

I’m going to a baby shower on Sunday for a very good friend of mine. Now that two women that I am good friends with are starting their families, I’m starting to catch a little of the bug. Before, I’ve had friends have babies, but we weren’t that close and I didn’t hang out with them a lot anyway so our relationships didn’t change all that much. However, this time these are couples that I would hang out with fairly frequently so it will make a huge difference in lifestyle – no more just calling people up and seeing if they want to go out that night. It will be interesting to see how much they change and how much they stay the same . . .

My brain is totally fried so I will stop now. I’m so happy the weekend is here – I need much, much sleep . . .