Looking Backward, Looking Forward

I am 35 years old today.

I have no idea what this means . . . does it really mean anything?

When you are little, you dream of how you will be when you are older . . . 30 looks so old, much less 35 . . .

Would me at 15 be OK with me at 35?

I had dreams of being a high powered career chick, either working in the halls of Congress, or at an investment bank, or at some publishing company. I also had dreams of being married and having 3 kids by now, being a loving mom who was way cool and took them everywhere . . . museums, parks, different cities and plays and concerts and libraries. The kids would have been sweet and inquisitive and loved to learn and try new things, just like their mom and dad. We’d live in a cool older house, an old Victorian or an arts and crafts bungalow with a nice yard where I’d have a garden and a nice space for us and the kids to play.

Well . . . I am married to a wonderful man whom I adore and who is almost my twin in a lot of ways. We own our tiny condo – no yard, but that’s for the best, I wouldn’t want to spend my weekends weeding anyway – yet. No high powered career, and working at non-profits does not make one rich or even all that comfortable . . . but in some small way, I am glad what I do has a small impact on things. No kids have come yet, and the deliberations still go on in my head and with my husband. I don’t get to see as many cool things as I would like, but I do try. I like having the time to volunteer and try new things occasionally. I like teaching and helping people. I like all of my friends, at least most of the time. I have come to appreciate my family more, even though there is still much to be worked out between us all.

So, would me at 15 be OK with me at 35?

At 15, I was still so timid and lonely and unsure of myself. Actually, that hasn’t much changed . . . and yet it has. If I would go back in time, I would tell me at 15 . . . not to worry so much . . . don’t get so stressed out about school . . . try all of the things you want to try and don’t worry about what your parents might think so much . . . try to have more fun . . . you will make friends who like you for who you really are . . . the future will be all right, just hold on and have faith . . .

I would give my 15 year old self a big hug . . .

And we would both be comforted . . .

And we would both cry . . .

Because the future is still scary and uncertain . . .

Maybe me at 55 could pay us a visit?