Friday, May 06, 2005

Thoughts on a Chilly Friday Afternoon

I am so happy that it is Friday. The week is finally over and I can get some much needed down time to work on a few things at home. My friend’s baby shower has been scheduled for May 22, so I have to knit at least 2 more balls of yarn to finish the blanket I want to give as a gift. I am supposed to run for 1 hour 20 minutes on Saturday morning, but I don’t feel like going to the training program because we usually have to sit and listen to the program for 30 minutes and I would much rather just start running and get it over with. There are a couple of Farmers’ Markets I want to hit in the morning before K has to go to his soccer game in the afternoon.

I need to finally fill out the application for school, so I can get that show on the road. For those who don’t know, I’ve always been interested in community development issues and urban planning, so I want to go back to school and learn about it and maybe go on and get a Masters in Urban Planning or Architecture. I have wanted to do that for ages and K is behind me 100%. Which is awesome! But . . .

The thought of going back to school is causing me great conflict. You see, I am 34 years old, will be 35 in October. We just bought a small 2 bedroom condo with a balcony, which while nice, is not quite what I had hoped our first housing purchase would be . . . I had hoped for at least three bedrooms and a yard. My job, which isn’t that challenging, allows me time to do the 8 zillion things that I like to do, but it doesn’t pay a lot. K and I have always wanted to have children, but when we tried 5 years ago, I went through a very harrowing miscarriage. It was very hard on both of us, and I have been quite wary of wanting to try again without having optimum conditions – since neither of us make a lot, I will still have to work and we’d have to pay for daycare, etc, which is beyond expensive around here. While my parents live close, they don’t live that close and I wouldn’t want to burden them . . . well, actually I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t mind too much, since it would probably be their first grandchild, but still.

However, I now have the maturity and energy to go after a few things that I was not able to do in my 20s. And I have an awesome spouse who is will to back me up to do them. But I don’t think I can work, go to school and have a kid at the same time. I just can’t. I don’t want to put that kind of pressure on K and I don’t want that sort of pressure on me. Some people can do it and get no sleep, but they also tend to be type A, high strung, not much fun to be around types. See, if I worked and went to school, that would be OK, because it is just us two. If I worked and had a kid, I’d have to give up a lot of stuff that I do now that I am starting to come into my own on. And ultimately I would be miserable.

I know this because I watched the same thing happen to my mom. I love my mom dearly and she is an awesome person, but I wonder what would have happened if she had been able to follow her dreams too, not just my dad. I know that I have opportunities that she didn’t and I guess I want her to know that her sacrifices were not in vain: That her daughters turned out to be amazing, independent individuals who built lives that were well-rounded and successful and happy.

. . . Or maybe I am just scared to become pregnant again, in case the same thing happens again. I don’t think my heart could take losing another baby. And I ended up in the hospital last time, lots of blood and doctors and nurses around me . . . and seeing K’s face through the tears – I never ever want to go through anything like that again.

But I have always wanted little ones of my own – to show all sorts of things to, to help them grow into amazing people. I hear about justrose’s little P and I think of what an awesome person she is turning out to be . . . and I hope I can do that some day. K always said that he would be cool with us adopting one day too, if things don’t work out. Have I said how awesome K is?

I just don’t feel like I can do it now . . . I want to wait longer . . . and that makes me feel like such a horrible, selfish person.

Wow, yet another post that probably makes no sense. But writing this down does help a bit, I guess. Putting one’s befuddlement on paper does help make things a little clearer.

4 comments:

justrose said...

it's never neat and tidy and the biological aspect of age is a real concern for women. i get all of what you're saying. you're right to be circumspect, given all that you've endured. and yet you can't think it through too much. life has a way of righting itself, even with all its crazy variables and imperfections. in my experience every DAY is kind of a question, but the years become the answer. you know? good luck coming to peace with all of this. deep breath and one thing at a time.

Anonymous said...

Kath,
Being a horrible decision maker myself, I wish you the best of luck with whatever path you choose. When I was young, I wanted everything mapped out and set out, now as an adult, I see that life is much more gray than I imagined. God knows the right path for us all, I've taken to just leaving it in HIS hands (is that because I've become more spirtual or just lazy?).

**D** said...

Kath,
I can completely understand where you are coming from and all I can say, the only advise that I know to be truthful, is to follow your own heart.
I am trying to make a career change also, and although I'm a wee bit younger, it is still frightening as hell trying to figure your life out, especially when you thought it'd be well figured out by now.
Having children is not for everyone and though you've tried and it didn't work, use the experience to go after what you want with all the energy, love, talent you have. I've been thinkin of going back to school myself.. we can be each other's strength

Random Kath said...

Danielle:

That's it! I think that's part of the problem . . . when you are little you think of being in your thrities and life being pretty much sorted out and you get here and . . . it's not. Which is a blessing AND a curse.

I always tell my friends when they say they are to old for something "You're not a hundred! You're not DEAD!" and I need to take my own advice to heart.

What do you want to go back to school for? I'm still getting hung up on the darn application . . . and the money. I've really got to get over it and move on - once I actually get signed up, I will be extremely psyched to start school again . . .