Friday, December 30, 2005

There is no try. There is only do.

(Bonus points if you can guess who the above title is quoted from!)

I am starting to get quite anxious about returning to work next week. I’m not feeling great about the conference that we are putting on or any of the other stuff going on at work. As I may or may not have mentioned, there is a bit of turmoil going on at the Random Non-Profit and at this point it is mostly caused by the head of my department. My colleague just gave notice that she will be moving to another department at the end of the month, and getting a promotion to boot. This is such an awesome opportunity for her and quite necessary because she was very underused in our department, but I am still sad because I’m going to miss working so closely with her . . . she’s such fun and a sweetie and extremely sharp. Meanwhile, my already heavy workload is going to get unbearable, and I’m currently in crisis mode all the time as it is.

Next year is going to be a “make or break” year for me, I can just feel it. I am either going to go one way or another, and I need to make a bunch of decisions very soon which will shape which direction I am going to go. I need to follow through on some of my goals and put other ones on the back burner. The ones that may be put on the back burner are the types of things that cannot be put off too much longer or they just may not happen – in other words, if I want to have kids, I need to start working on that again, but if I do, then I probably will not be able to follow some other opportunities for a very long time. I look at the example of my mother, who was a very talented artist, who put all of that behind her when she had us kids and still has not gone back to it. Now I know that I am not my mother and things could turn out differently, but I still have that example in front of me, and it gives me pause.

Change is scary. Figuring out what you want to do is scary. Getting out of the comfortable, if annoying, rut in which you are sitting is very anxiety producing. But at some point you must get off your butt and make things happen, otherwise you are just scared and anxious all the time, with nothing to show for it. At this point, I have nothing to show for my anxieties – now I want to at least have some spectacular failures that I can point to and laugh at and say “Well, that sure didn’t work, but at least I did something!”

. . . I have to get my freaking passport and at least go to Canada or something.

. . . I have to get a new job, or at least a new position at the same place.

. . . I have to submit my writing somewhere, so at least I can get a rejection letter to show that I am putting myself out there.

. . . I have to go back to school to find my way to becoming a teacher . . . and maybe a better writer in the process.

. . . I have to make peace with who I am, so that I am not so tentative with those that I care about most.

These are not resolutions . . . resolutions are made to be broken. These are more like . . . life goals . . . things that I have to keep working through to make me become whatever I am becoming.

I have to start failing at things . . . I have to start succeeding at things . . .

I have to start doing things.

. . . and tomorrow is as good a time as any to begin.

2 comments:

Merci said...

Just having a passport makes you feel like you could set off on a spontaneous adventure at any moment. It's a tasty little secret tucked away with your other important documents, a creamy Belgian chocolate bar stashed in a cupboard full of canned vegetables.

Hope the conference goes well. I'm facing changes and challenges at work right now, too, so I know what you're going through. Here's to a year brimming with success for all of us!

Laura said...

Yoda! This is Geeky Girl's motto. :)