Fever for the Flavor

What’s going on with me?

From Wednesday night on, I got a nasty cold, which was not helped by standing in the rain for two hours on Thursday at an event for the Random Non-Profit.

Why were we standing in the rain? No contingency plans! Why didn’t we cancel? Because people only want to see what they want to see when they want to see it.

When I got back to the office on Thursday, I closed my door and put my head on my desk until Mr. Random could come to take me home – I felt that bad.

Stayed in bed pretty much Thursday afternoon through Saturday evening. Watched lots of Food Network, since that is pretty innocuous and I didn’t feel like I missed anything if I fell asleep for an hour during a show. I had no concentration for anything else besides staring at the TV and sleeping.

Sunday I felt a little bit better, and started planning the menus of stuff I am making for Thanksgiving and for a get together the day afterwards. For Thursday, I am taking to my parents’ house:

Green Bean Casserole (because it’s not a holiday without it . . .)

Green Onion-Cheese Popovers

Sweet Potato Cheesecake

For Friday’s get together, I am going to try to make:

Ham

Cranberry Sauce

Roasted Sweet Potatoes

Green Beans

Asparagus

Autumn Succotash

Green Onion-Cheese Popovers

Double Fudge Brownies with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce

. . . I do hope it turns out well!

Wrote 1300 words for the novel. Now up to 3300 words. Unless there’s a miracle this weekend, I will probably only get 10,000 MAX – but that will be about 9000 more words than I have written before, so that’s progress.

I am so glad this is a short week! I really need some more rest. I hope everyone else is going to have a great holiday!

What are YOU having to eat this week?

Modern Art Field Trip

I went to see this fantastic exhibit at the Phillips Collection (http://www.phillipscollection.org/html/exhibits.html) with a friend of mine on Saturday. If you are in the DC area before the end of January, and you love modern art, I highly recommend that you go – both my friend and I were blown away by the works shown, and the exhibit really deserves as second (and even third!) viewing. Mr. Random is really eager to see it, so I am hoping we can go during the Christmas break when his class is over. It will probably be much more crowded then, but at least I will have seen it in relative peace and quiet first . . .

Much more information about the exhibit (and some really cool pictures) can be found here: (http://artgallery.yale.edu/socanon/)

As for NaNoWriMo, I’m still on 2000 words . . . but they are 2000 different words, which I think is progress! I didn’t like the way my story was going, or the way it started, or even the voice, so I just decided to start all over again. I still have a few weeks. All is need is a couple of weekends and a lot of caffeine, and I should be good to go. I’m also going to try to actually donate a little bit to the program – an event like this definitely needs to be supported . . .

I am starting to plan a menu for Thanksgiving. Well, not exactly for that day, but for the day after. Mr. Random and I always go to my parents’ house for dinner on Thanksgiving, so they day after we try to do a dinner at home and invite some friends over to play games – kind of a de-stress day from the whole family thing . . .

I actually DO like to cook, especially when I have time to think things out and do it properly – however, I very rarely have time to do so, except around the holidays when I generally have more time off and more time to play in the kitchen . . .

You see, I have to be in a good mood and rather relaxed to feel like cooking, which is a state that only happens after a few days of being home and away from all sorts of work stressors. So weekends aren’t usually quite enough rest for that – long weekends usually are . . .

There was a recipe for homemade bread in last week’s New York Times’ Food section – Mark Bittman has this incredibly simple/no kneading required recipe that I am dying to try. The only catch is that the whole process takes 18-20 hours, to let the dough rise slowly – but the bread looks heavenly, and it seems that baking bread should be a full on weekend project anyway . . .

Today was a very stressful day at the Random Non-profit, and the week does not look much better. Both Mr. Random and I are deluged with work, with Mr. Random’s grad school homework added on top of it. Things are awfully tense both at the Random Non-profit and at the Random Household. I try to stay out of the way, while trying to be very encouraging, but sometimes it is hard. After being at work all day and talking about work things, I do want to come home and just be a cuddly veggie, but Mr. Random is always still working on some project for work or school. This is only temporary, I know . . . and I certainly have plenty to work on after hours, too . . . so no more complaining from me . . .

I guess I should add a few hundred more words to the “Novel” now . . . I hope everyone is doing well!

Slow Progress

I only have 2000 words written at this point, but I have a good excuse – I had to go to a conference all day Saturday and then was totally exhausted on Sunday – so much so that I never got out of my pajamas or exerted much energy beyond moving from the bed to the couch in the living room.

Also, I had to work on my homework for my online class – had been a bit behind, but I believe I am all caught up now. The last lesson was on theories of adult learning, and so I had to read about the four different theories and then analyze my own teaching style and state which theories I subscribe to, and how I apply those theories in the classroom . . . so that took a little while to do . . .

I am very glad that this semester is going to be over in a couple of weeks because I really need a break. I am also going to have to take a few more trips before the middle of December, and traveling seems to take a lot out of me. Maybe if it was more fun travel, I would not mind as much, but trying to be up and engaged all of the time can really wear a person out . . .

Anyway . . . I hope the rest of you had a restful weekend . . .

The Icon for This Year is Unveiled . . .

Here we go . . . now it's official . . . I HAVE to do this, since I have this shiny picture up here . . .

To Those About To Write, We Salute You

Ladies and gentlemen,

It’s that time of year again! National Novel Writing Month begins today.

The goal: write 50,000 words by the end of November.

Will I actually do it this year? Well, I’m definitely going to try. I do hope to do more than a couple of thousand words, that’s for sure . . .

To those of you who are actually writing your own books (Shout out to Theme Park Experience!), I honestly say I am in awe of your dedication . . .

I am having a bit of troubly uploading this year's icon onto the blog, but I'll try to get it up by the weekend.

Wish me luck!

The Week That Was

Goodness, I’ve been gone for a week! Time certainly flies . . . except when it doesn’t . . .

I was at a conference in Baltimore from Thursday through Saturday – most of the time spent in the hotel, and any time not spent in the meeting rooms were spent in my room, exhausted. The hotel we were at was pretty cool – they had just renovated all of the bedrooms so they all had state-of-the-art bathrooms with the mosaic tiles, along with flat screen TVs in front of the bed. Unfortunately, the hotel didn’t have any decent cable channels so I was stuck falling asleep to CSI:Miami. May I say that that is one show that I do NOT need to see in high definition, super-sharp TV. Eeeeeeewwww!

Saturday night, a few hours after I came home, I went to see a friend of mine perform at a hotel comedy club in Bethesda, MD. The last time I saw him perform was in January, the first night that he had returned after a hiatus of many months. This time he did wonderfully well in his 7 minute set, and many people came up to him afterwards being very complementary. I thought he was one of the best ones on the bill that night, and I’m not being biased, I swear . . .

My birthday happened while I was stuck in Baltimore and it passed by quietly – I didn’t tell anyone which made my life easier, because I really didn’t want any fuss while I was at the conference . . .

A wonderful, wonderful friend gave me Annie Leibowitz’s new book, A Photographer’s Life, which is the best birthday present EVER! She is an amazing photographer, not just for her portraits, but for her shots of her family and other documentary moments, and all of the pictures moved me in some way – some to tears . . .

Yesterday was the Marine Corps Marathon and Mr. Random easily completed his 5th one! It was a bit more confusing to find him at the end this year since they changed the finish line area, so I spent an hour moving among the masses of people trying to find him, which was next to impossible since the cell phones were either (a) not picking up or (b) you couldn’t hear the ringing. Mr. Random is in a lot of pain and questioning why he does it, but I know that it is only temporary since the Marathon is the main reason that he tries to keep in shape every year – I just fear that without it, he won’t take as good care of himself or expend as many calories . . .

I’ll stop writing for now – I actually want to get this post up today, and if I don’t stop now it will languish for the rest of the day and then I’ll never post. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend . . .

Just Following Directions . . .

On Saturday, I spent the day with a really good friend of mine. It was one of those beautiful, cool but sunny, autumn days that you hope for this time of year. We went and did a bunch of touristy type-things, as we usually like to do, taking advantage of all of the wonderful free sights that D.C. has to offer . . .

We went to Ford’s Theater, since my friend had never been, and we also spent some time at the National Archives. Of course, since this is DC, we stood in line to go through the metal detectors at the Archives and then *both* of us managed to set off the alarms somehow and had to be frisked . . . yes, I always love that part . . .

I am always amazed that people want to take pictures inside of museums and places like the archives. I mean, why? If you take a flash picture, you are helping to disintegrate the original source documents, and if you don’t use flash then you can’t really tell what you are taking a picture of, since it’s so dark. Just keep the memories in your head, people! You don’t have to take pictures of everything! . . .

But it was a lovely day with lovely company – a day to just be and do and see. Those days can be few and far between sometimes . . . especially when the workweeks and weekends are filled with activities and projects that must-be-finished-yesterday. Mr. Random had his final project due for his first class on Saturday, along with a final exam to study for, and we both were laden down with work from the Random Non-profit. So being out and about on Saturday, thinking about those things not one bit, was rather nice . . .

While we were out, I bemoaned my writing on this blog as being way depressing. In a tone of utter obviousness, my friend said that I should just write about something that made me happy . . .

Well, my dear friend . . . consider it done . . .

The Other Side of the Story

I don’t know if this is big news in other areas, but right now there are huge protests going on at Gallaudet University, the premiere college for the deaf in the United States, over the appointment of a new president to replace the popular I. King Jordan – who himself was swept into office after protests from the deaf community to be represented by one of their own. In the media, all of the coverage has been a bit one sided, portraying the protesting students and faculty as quibbling that the prospective president “isn’t deaf enough,” which is not the case at all and distorts the real issues at hand.

A friend of mine who works at Gallaudet wrote on this issue much better than I could, and I wanted to share this with everyone so you too are informed about what’s actually going on.

I don't know if you have heard about what's happening here at Gallaudet University where I work, but the students, faculty, staff, alumni, and parents have been protesting the appointment of Jane Fernandes as the next president of the university. Since the president of Gallaudet is an ambassador to the hearing world, the president of Gallaudet is also viewed quite literally as the president of all Deaf Americans. Jane Fernandes is a person that the current president, I. King Jordan, appointed to the Clerc Center (the deaf elementary and high school where I work) as the director 11 years ago. She decimated the place and fired anyone who disagreed with her. King then promoted her to Provost without going through a normal search committee 6 years ago. The community is protesting her now election as the next president to take office in January 07. The protesters took over the university last week forcing the closure of the entire campus for 3 full days. 130 plus protesters were arrested late Friday night in the dark when they could not see interpreters to know what was happening. The university is open now with only gate allowing passage on and off campus.

Tent cities have sprung up all around the country in support of the protests.

Alumni and parents from all over the country have come to support the protest movement, especially when so many of the protesters were arrested last Friday night.

Websites have sprung up detailing the [grievances against] Jane Fernandes and listing advice from several prominent members of the academic and Deaf Communities.

Please share with people you know. The more people are aware of the real issues (not the red herrings put out there by Gallaudet Administration) the more momentum this will get. Encourage local news stations to investigate and cover the story. Right now the media is presenting the impression that the students are spoiled children avoiding schoolwork and that they don't think Jane Fernandes is "deaf enough." I can assure you that that is not the case. Please visit the following websites for more information:

www.fssa.org
www.deafdc.com

Random Prose and Poetry - Rainy Day Edition

What I Did to Time
By Kate Light

What I did to time was ball it up, and
throw it out, when I was unhappy,
years ago; chucked it, sprained my hand
wadding it tight, waiting for an end,
the end of a long season, haul
too long to tolerate, questions
I couldn't answer, changes I couldn't make, tall
orders hovering. Couldn't take suggestions
(stubborn pride); couldn't find solutions
(ignorance, fear); but I could hold my breath
and squeeze away a year—nuisance
years fell into faints and met their death.
Now I'd give anything to have that plethora, that stack;
to feel its truth and call its slow pace back.

Since the debacle of my attempts at poetry for National Poetry Writing Month, I haven’t posted a poem in a while. Poetry does not come easy to me – there are times when I can not write it or understand it. These tend to be times when I feel most out of sync with the rest of the world, when I am feeling disconnected and down, when I feel overwhelmed and beaten. It is hard to appreciate the beauty and rhythm of words when you aren’t that thrilled with the actual concepts conveyed . . .

Secret Poem
— after Seferis
By Scott Cairns

Yes. I have seen the end, and yes
I was disturbed by what I saw.
That I yet glimpse occasional
and frankly stirring satisfactions
in the way the paper draws the ink
may prove one mode of consolation.

That I continue to appreciate
a morning walk, an evening's
intercourse should also speak
encouragement, no? The end
appalls. Quite so. Though I wouldn't say
the end appalls more fully

than the interim. The present
situation—electoral
absurdity, real TV, unprovoked
slaughter thoroughly explained—such
assaults attain a state insisting
that the end arrive, and quickly.

The past is ever with us, but most
have pared it to a less demanding
heft, utilitarian. For me, the past
has become lately my own
articulation of that scene
I saw, just now, as very like the end.

But I do love poetry, when I can love poetry. Sometimes it is the only way to say close to what a feeling is, and said so much better than I could ever say . . .

As the Fall wears on, I feel like I need some assurances that everything is going to turn out OK. I mean, Mr. Random is doing wonderfully in grad school, my ESL class is going well so far, we still have jobs that still sort of pay us – but there is a tinge of uneasiness about everything on my part. I don’t know whether the state of the world gets me down or what. I think that I really need some major time off. I need something fun to look forward to. I need a little creativity, a little whimsy going on in my life right now. We are kind of in a rut at the moment . . .

A Strange Disorder
By Diane Ackerman

A strange disorder rules the house
where lately slender method scared
papers into files neat as hedgerows
and caution laid its dropcloth everywhere.
Now books lie slaughtered on the rug,
the telephone rings, old letters dune
among bills and maps and coffee spoons
in a room spontaneous as a compost heap
where you work the oracle of my thoughts
and haunt the prison of my sleep.

I don’t think I’m majorly depressed or anything – I’m just kind of in limbo, waiting for something to happen, wondering if I should be making something happen, but not knowing what that something is.

My birthday is next week, but I will be out of town at a conference. In some ways, hanging out in a hotel room at night reading does sound attractive, but I do wish that I was going to be home for it. The day I return is the day before the Marine Corps Marathon and Mr. Random will need to rest beforehand, so there won’t really be an opportunity to go out when I get back. I could plan something for later, but by then it will have passed and there will be other things that require more attention – the daily schedule fills up, the nights are spoken for with school and homework and work.

Birthdays are an odd lot, aren’t they? Some people like to pretend they don’t exist, some people dread their coming, others love to celebrate the day that they are born. I’m in the last category – I think that celebrating the accomplishment of another year is a wonderful thing. I could be bummed about turning 36, but I’m not. I am kind of happy with the way I am, the way I turned out. There are some things I wish I’d done in the past, but there is still plenty of time – I’m not 100, there are more years to go . . .

I just have to remember not to compare myself to other people . . . HA! HA! That’s a lot easier said than done, isn’t it? Especially around here . . .

I am looking forward to the weekend a great deal, it’s just the weeks that are getting harder to get through . . .

Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day. You’re bumming me out, man!

Carrying a Heavy Load

It’s funny – I’ve started to write and stopped, started to write and stopped, many times today.

I’m a bit distracted, I guess. My reading has fallen down a bit in the past two weeks – but I think it was what I was reading that was the problem. A Whistling Woman started out promisingly but then there were all these story threads that I really had no patience for, which made me either not want to continue or want to skip ahead to find the thread that I actually liked. It was all a big pain, so I just read the last couple of chapters and called it finished. Life is much too short to struggle through a fiction book that isn’t an important work of some sort. I’ve started reading White Teeth and I’m proceeding cautiously, since it seems to be starting out a little bumpy . . .

My writing is suffering a lot – not just here, but elsewhere. It pains me a great deal. Inspiration has not been easily found, which I think is mostly a function of the problems I’ve been having with reading.

I’ve also been quite tired lately. On both Saturday and Sunday I took naps for several hours. The drama going on at the Random Non-Profit is weighing my brain down. If this experience does not kill me, it will make me a stronger person. However, I have another 8 months of this stuff to go through and I don’t know if I can last that long . . .

Not much exciting going on – I’m hoping this is a quiet week. Tonight, I hope to work on my lesson plan for tomorrow’s class and do a little reading for my online class. Tomorrow night – teach class. Wednesday night – Choir practice. Thursday night – online class. On Saturday, do some Theater and museum-hopping with a friend and then dinner with Mr. Random.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Pet Peeve of the Day

Not to get all “Andy Rooney” on you all, but it really bugs me when people walk onto elevators already talking on their cell phones. Can’t you wait until you get outside, or at least finish the conversation in the hall? Why do you think that everyone else in the elevator has to hear your conversation, which is so totally NOT important, by the way . . .

For the past two weeks, the same woman has been getting on the elevator in my office building just a chattering away – whether there is one other person on the elevator already or six . . .

Ok, that is all . . . I’m glad I got that off of my chest . . .

Otherwise it is just another gorgeous Fall day here in Virginia . . .

Naps Do a World of Good

I am feeling a bit better today . . . having the day off and taking a nap does add a bit of perspective . . .

I’ve just signed up to take an online class in adult learning. I’ve never taken an online class before so this should be quite interesting. I rather prefer being face-to-face with teachers and other students, to get the full give and take in the classroom and to make new friends in “meat space,” but I feel compelled to try this out. Besides, it is free and is rather low key – it’s not for a grade, but for a certificate. I’ve always been curious about how adults learn and are eager to figure out how to apply this knowledge to communications and outreach, whether by a non-profit trying to get its message out or by a campaign trying to get factual information out about a candidate and the issues involved . . .

The Random Cat also has not been acting up today . . . I get the feeling that she only likes to act up when Mr. Random is here because she feels like he is not giving her enough attention or treats. She knows that I am not willing to put up with her hissy-fits and that I will quickly put her in “her room” and close the door for a time out. The Random Cat has lost quite a bit of weight on her “cat”kins diet, but as a consequence she likes to sniff around Mr. Random and me when we are eating and try to grab the food off of our plates . . .

Watched the first part of “Casanova” on PBS last night – I love Peter O’Toole, and utterly adore David Tennant. I just heard of the guy last week when watching Doctor Who, and now I’m willing to seek him out elsewhere. It’s a really well done story, with some surprises, and I’m looking forward to the next installment on Sunday . . .

I’m going to have to find a new co-teacher for January – I just found out the person I team teach with is expecting a baby in early December. We teach on different nights and I actually hadn’t seen her in person since the end of April, so I’m glad she let me know . . . I could only imagine being quite surprised to see her at the end of November . . .

. . . And so another busy week begins . . .

The Autumn Leaves Are Starting to Fall

Hello, everyone.

It’s been a busy week and many things have been preying upon my mind lately.

Today is gorgeous and sunny here in Northern Virginia, as I sit in my bedroom and look out on the piles of dirt that the construction in back has turned the lush woods into. It lets more light into the condo, that’s for sure, but I really miss the trees. It was always so beautiful to see them turn the different colors this time of year . . .

I am in a sad mood. I finally heard from my friend, L, after about a month, and she has said that she has moved back to her hometown. I had been so looking forward to her moving back to DC, but then she needed a place to stay right away, and Mr. Random and I could not accommodate because of our frenzied schedules at that time, and now I feel responsible in some way for driving her away. It is probably not true, but I am feeling that way . . .

I only found out because I sent an e-mail to her on her birthday, and she responded with a terse “thanks!” Not leaving well enough alone, I invited her out to dinner with me and Mr. Random so that we could all catch up, and then she wrote back that she had moved back home and was too busy to write more. Maybe I’m just overly sensitive, but I’m thinking not . . .

My other friend, L, is expecting her child any day now – we’re just waiting on word. Another friend came into the office on Thursday to say hello and show off her new baby girl . . .

I am still trying to figure out what I want to do, and I am getting anxious. I feel like I am being pulled into all different directions and that I don’t have many people to share this with. It makes me feel very lonely . . .

What does it mean to be a good person? What is it that I am meant to do? I just don’t know anymore . . . and yet each day the treadmill keeps running and I keep going, trying to do the best I can, trying to add a little bit to the world in my own way, hoping that something I do is making a difference to someone . . .

Mr. Random got a perfect score on his first exam yesterday. We went out to dinner to celebrate. He’s really enjoying his class, and I am so happy for him. He also finished the Army Ten Miler today, and is not out running to get a few more miles in to finish training for the Marine Corps Marathon at the end of the month. He is also overwhelmed at work, and is going into the office tomorrow, despite it being the Columbus Day holiday. Me? I’m taking it off no matter what – I need the day off, I’m just so deep-down tired . . .

I’m at a loss for what to say next, so I’ll stop for now . . . I’m just hoping this is just the end of a bad week, and my optimism will come back really soon . . .

Farewell, Mr. Robinson . . .

Yesterday, Mr. Random and I went to the final Washington Nationals baseball game of the season. I love going to baseball games – they are so much fun to watch in person, especially when you have really involved fans around you. It was Frank Robinson’s last game managing the Nats, temporarily ending his 51st year in baseball – His farewell was quite moving and I was so happy to have been there to see it. I do hope he gets some sort of front office position, because who can imagine him just sitting at home when the new season starts . . .

The Nats really need to get some better pitchers - they gave up 6 runs in the 2nd inning - the second inning! It isn't just that one game - the pitchers seem to suck every time I see them. It isn't a Nats game unless they go through 3 or 4 pitching changes . . . and it's really bad if even *I* can tell they suck . . .

There was a shout out to Eric McClain’s Off Wing Opinion blog yesterday in the Washington Post, mentioned by Ted Leonsis in an article about the Capitals. Their season starts this week and I really want to go to one of their games this year. I have never even set foot in the Verizon Center yet, which is really sad . . .

I’m don’t really like football, so there will be no ‘Skins talk here; basically, baseball, hockey and soccer are all that I can get my head around . . . along with a little curling, once every 4 years . . .

I seem to be in a bit of a melancholy mood today (I know, you are probably asking “when are you not?”) but I am really not digging the stuff I have to do here at work this week. There is just too much to do and I keep being pulled in all of these different directions. My boss is not helpful, since she is being pulled around too, and isn’t one to sit down and prioritize and make deadlines. I know I should do so myself, but, um, she’s the boss . . .

Actually, that’s not true – there is stuff that I am psyched to do, but it is buried under all of the other junk. I may try to take a few days and work from home (if they aren’t using the earth movers behind my condo that day, that is . . .) and get some actual writing and analysis done . . .

Anther packed week ahead – Mr. Random is doing the Army Ten Miler on Sunday. They are banning the use of water bottles/backpacks and cell-phones. How am I supposed to know when to come get Mr. Random then? I don’t want to have to wait around the Pentagon parking lot until he finishes – I’ve been there, done that and almost caught pneumonia some years because it was cold and rainy. I’d hang out at the nearby coffee places, but they are usually packed with other non-running spouse waiting around.

Also, this week is packed with the usual teaching/choir/random meetings. I guess Friday night is my downtime, while Mr. Random finishes his homework and watches the season premiere of Battlestar Gallactica . . .

By the way, may I say that I love the new Doctor Who series? I didn’t watch it last time, but I saw the premiere Friday night and I guess I am hooked . . . the new Doctor is such a dashing fellow anyway . . . However, I refuse to watch anything else on that station, because I get tired of the same plots being recycled – especially the Stargates . . . you know, visit a random planet, poke, poke, oops! We got the aliens mad at us, how are we going to get out of it? Get out of the scrape just barely . . .

I want the leaves to start turning, darn it! I want to see pretty colored trees when I look out of my office window . . .

I hope everyone had wonderful weekends . . .

Sitting Down on Saturday Afternoon

It’s Fall. It’s truly Fall here in the mid-sized city . . . the weather is cool enough that you need a sweater or jacket, and the various nurseries have their pumpkin patches set up with different types of Halloween displays.

When it’s Fall, you realize that the year is almost over. You start to take stock of all the things you haven’t done and all of the things you have. You decide what you need to jettison and what you need to keep. You see if you should start something new or wait to see what the new year brings . . .

I always seem to be living inside my head . . . and not in a good way. I mean, if it was in a good way, I would hope that my writing would be better. But a lot of the time there is some work that needs to go on inside before you can even start to vocalize what it is you want.

I still don’t know what I want, but I think I’m getting closer to it than I have in the past. That’s a good thing, but now there is still more work I need to do before I even get close to verbalizing what that is . . .

Today I had lunch with a good friend of mine, who knows what he wants to do and is willing to take the time and make the sacrifices necessary to get there. He’s single, which in a way makes it easier to do than if you have another person who is relying on you . . .

Towards the end of October, I am going to turn 36 years old. I would like to say that I am happy with who I am and where I am, and I probably should. However, I still haven’t quite mastered the feat of shaking off what others might think . . .

You know, I don’t really go back and read what I have written on this blog once I have posted it. I do check for comments, but otherwise I just let my thoughts hang out there – a testament to the moment in which I feel moved to write. A lot of times I think it means that I have repeated myself a lot . . . because I do think of the same things over and over again, come up with the same arguments in my head and try to work things out. Certain situations act as triggers for certain feelings, and being the insecure gal that I am I revisit those feelings a lot . . .

I just wanted to put that out there today. Repeating myself for the umpteenth time, hoping to find a nugget of revelation in the words I keep typing. Nothing very noteworthy happened today, and my brain can’t quite handle trying to make the events of my past week coherent enough for others’ consumption . . .

Just remember that Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in your soul . . .

That line always gives me great comfort. May it carry you through this weekend too . . .

Arrested Professional Development

See, my brain can’t focus on anything too long, so after a decent night’s sleep the anxieties from the day before have disappeared and only the anxiety for the week ahead remains . . .

I’m putting a couple of business trips on my calendar for the end of October and beginning of November – for one, I’m going to be out of town for two nights (one of which is my birthday) and for the other I will be going up and back on the train on a Saturday for a day-long conference. I was told to go ahead and make the arrangements, so I just hope the Random Non-profit is going to pay for all of it. Yes, I know that it should be a given, but the Random Non-profit always seems to be teetering on the brink – so one must take nothing for granted . . .

There is a professional development organization that I want to join – it is a fairly well known organization in the non-profit field, and it has excellent networking opportunities and continuing education programs which would benefit both myself and the Random Non-profit in allowing me to learn how I should do my job, much less learn to do my job better. Most organizations pay for their employees’ memberships – a membership costs around $300 – but the Random Non-profit never pays for anything like that. They don’t even have tuition reimbursement anymore . . .

So I guess if I actually want to do well in my field I am going to have to cough up the bucks for the membership myself – which is just as well – I’m only hoping to stay at this place long enough to get enough experience to move on to a better paying organization, so it is an investment in my own growth, but I do wish the Random Non-profit wasn’t so stingy . . . it actually hurts them, in a way, since people have to look outside the organization to be able to learn and grow, which leads to a lot of talented people leaving . . .

I really need a lot of help – the longer that I am in my new-ish position, the more I realize what I don’t know and what skills I need to get – such as in how to supervise people without seeming passive-aggressive, and how to facilitate meetings better, how to do strategic planning, how to do board development, etc., etc. . . .

I guess it is a good thing that I want to improve – I could easily coast along and muddle through what I’m doing and it would past muster at this place. I just wish that it would seem helpful for the place I’m in right now – rather than in the place I want to be in 5 years . . .

Wait, did that make sense? I’m not sure . . .

Baby Shower Blues

You know it’s bad when you come home from a baby shower and go directly to your room and curl up into the fetal position . . .

It was one of those events, and it doesn’t have to be a baby shower, it could be a party or picnic or any outing that you are invited to that you aren’t quite sure who the other people there are going to be, but you go because you like the host and would show up to anything they asked . . .

I stood out like a sore thumb. I felt so self-conscious, and not for the obvious reason of being the usual raisin in the rice pudding . . .

Everyone else there was from my friend’s church, so immediately I didn’t know all of these people very well. They are all Episcopalians, so there was kind of a twin-set-and-pearls vibe going on that I am never quite comfortable with, but that I can usually shake off and have an interesting time with anyway. (for the record, I was wearing ironed khaki pants, a crisp white collared shirt, and a tasteful jean jacket, with pearl stud earrings – I thought I was being very, comfy-dressy-casual.) But these were mostly women who either were grandmothers or who had kids, save for one woman who went to law school with L, but she fit in a bit better than I seemed to . . .

Several of the women brought their children with them – one woman brought her 10 year old daughter (dressed in a smart, colorful Lily Pulitzer outfit), another woman brought her 4 year old daughter (who was also dressed in a Pulitzer-type dress), and another woman brought her little boy, who was huge for only being 6 months old (and NOT wearing anything Pulitzer.) Another woman stopped by for a little bit, and was asked how her au pair was doing . . .

There also was L’s mom, who set up the whole shower, but she was flitting around and I couldn’t get to talk to her much. She is really a cool lady – a feng shui specialist, also sells real estate, had very interesting life experiences – I usually love talking to “out there’ people like that, but today was not the day . . .

There was talk of pre-school and strollers and car seats and you-must-gets and nurseries and babysitters . . .

I was asked if I had any kids, and I gave the usual “not yet!” said in sing-songy, hopeful tones, but that wasn’t quite interesting enough. I was asked where I live, and I told them – it’s a part of the area that is both well-known but kind of hidden, because there is nothing really “cool” in that part of town. That wasn’t interesting enough. I didn’t have much to contribute in the way of baby experiences. I asked about a drawing that someone gave L at a shower on her job, it had a rather interesting story behind it, but that only lasted about 5 minutes . . .

L’s husband, C, same downstairs for just a minute to get a soda and then swiftly went back upstairs to the attic, where his office is. I really wished I could go up there and watch TV with him too – at least have a normal conversation about normal stuff and not feel so much like a freak . . .

There were little quiches and veggie trays and bread and dip and apples and cheese and cream puffs and cake and punch . . .

I don’t know what I expect at these things. I mean, I was quite honored to be invited – I mean, given the rest of the invitees, it was awesome that L wanted to include me too. I really wanted to play nice and be a most charming guest, and I’m sure that I did at the time, but after you leave something like that, it is just so draining and disappointing and you feel just need to go back under your rock . . .

So now I have all the griping out of my system and can go on with my life. L really liked the presents that Mr. Random and I came up with – a really soft, stuffed doggie, a couple of children’s books that Mr. Random and I loved when we were little, a baby blanket that I knitted for her and have been saving, and a “Coupon” for one free day of babysitting. L’s mom was just beamy from ear to ear with excitement (this will be her first grandchild.) Everyone else seemed to have a lovely time, and L was happy with how everything turned out. That’s really all that matters in the grand scheme of things . . .

However, I do believe I need to go interrupt Mr. Random’s homework for a moment, and ask for this biggest hug in the world . . .

Meaning-free, Content-free

I’m sitting here trying to write a meaningful post and I’m coming up empty. It isn’t for lack of topics to write about – many meaty things have been said on several blogs that I’d love to respond to (Theme Park Experience and Dean Dad’s, to name two) but the synapses are not firing and the words are not forthcoming. I also finished reading The Year of Magical Thinking and would love to go into a discussion about loss and coping and what it means to no longer have beside you someone that you have loved and counted on day after day for years, but I can’t seem to do it justice at the moment . . . but I do encourage people to read it, so much of it felt so true . . .

I’m in a holding pattern of sorts this week, due to my exhaustion and the major, raging headache that I had yesterday and which lingers into today. Construction has started on luxury townhomes behind the Random condo, which means they are tearing down many of the lovely trees that I would wake up to every morning, and they are being replaced by the sounds of earth-movers and saws. It is very depressing hearing trees being ripped from the ground – a horrible, guttural tearing sound that wrenches the heart . . .

Mr. Random and I went out to dinner last night to celebrate our anniversary, and while the food was delicious and the company divine, my aching head just would not play along. Also, it all seemed to go so fast – it seems that sometimes restaurants try to get you in and out so quickly that lingering over coffee seems more uncomfortable than it is worth. We went to a local restaurant that is fairly popular and rather upscale – which is why we only go on our anniversary – but they’ve changed the menu a bit, so my usual favorite dish, grilled pork chops with garlic mashed potatoes, was nowhere to be found. I ordered a large salad instead, which was tasty and much healthier, but not quite the same . . .

My ESL class this Fall is going to be quite challenging. I have an autistic gentleman in my class this time, and it is going to be a bit of a challenge working with him in the context of the whole group. He is very bright and has already learned some English in his native Costa Rica, but it is hard to gauge how patient I should be with him while still giving attention to the other 8 people in the class. I don’t know how to describe it and I don’t know what questions to even ask in what I should know or do to be more helpful to him . . .

I have a new laptop now – hooray! – it just came yesterday. It’s kind of an anniversary present, to replace the laptop that Mr. Random appropriated to use for school. I should be fawning and happy and grateful, but it’s not the same as my old one. It’s a different configuration and it doesn’t have the database on it that I needed or the same amount of gigs on the hard drive, so it kind of rankles. I know, I’m an ungrateful little cuss . . . I mean, it’s so awesome! . . . but the little things just annoy me to no end. I just need to go out and buy Access and an external drive to supplement, and I’ll be good to go . . .

I’m going to a baby shower on Sunday for a very good friend of mine. Now that two women that I am good friends with are starting their families, I’m starting to catch a little of the bug. Before, I’ve had friends have babies, but we weren’t that close and I didn’t hang out with them a lot anyway so our relationships didn’t change all that much. However, this time these are couples that I would hang out with fairly frequently so it will make a huge difference in lifestyle – no more just calling people up and seeing if they want to go out that night. It will be interesting to see how much they change and how much they stay the same . . .

My brain is totally fried so I will stop now. I’m so happy the weekend is here – I need much, much sleep . . .

Random Happy Anniversary

Today’s my wedding anniversary – I’ve been married for *8* whole years today.

Many kudos to Mr. Random for putting up with me every single day for 10 years now. I can’t believe it’s been that long . . .

He is one of the sweetest, kindest, smartest, most adorable individuals I have ever known. Why he picked neurotic little me will always be a huge mystery . . .

No celebrating tonight, though – It is the first night of class for ESL and I couldn’t miss the first day with the students. We will have to postpone the nice dinner until later on in the week . . .

Merlot, Pinot Grigio, Chardonnay

Follow the path of the unsafe, independent thinker.
Expose your ideas to the dangers of controversy. Speak your mind and fear less
the label of 'crackpot' than the stigma of conformity. And on issues that seem
important to you, stand up and be counted at any cost.
--Thomas J. Watson

I know that I probably shouldn’t apologize for not updating the blog as frequently as I wish to – I am sure that it is implicit in blogging that life will get in the way, and what I’m writing isn’t exactly breaking news/must-read material – but I still feel compelled to do so . . .

I had the day off on Friday, and yet it wasn’t really a day off, so any benefits that might have accrued in having a Friday off did not occur. The weekend was packed with fun things, but sometimes I think I try to pack too many fun things in to counteract all of the lousy things I have to do during the week.

The Random Non-profit is still going through a bit of turmoil and my current position puts me right in the middle of it and I am starting to think that I don’t quite have the fortitude to deal with this stuff. Or maybe I do . . . but the main problem is that ever since I have come back from my trip, I have been running on a deficit of sleep. When I get stressed out, I can’t really sleep, and when I can’t really sleep, everything else goes down the tubes. I hate being stuck in the middle of office politics – I really do . . .

Today’s quote should give me strength and comfort, but it sounds easier to do in theory than it is in practice . . .

I believe in our mission. I believe in the wonderful work that the people in the field do to further our mission. I feel that things I do here can and do help create positive outcomes in local communities. However, I feel that at this moment the internal stupidity is in danger of jeopardizing all of the good work that we are trying to do, and has the potential of driving away a lot of our grassroots activists – which would irreparably hobble what we are trying to achieve together. We are acting in haste, when restraint is in order – especially for changes of this magnitude . . .

Clear as mud, huh?

I hate whining about this, but each new wrinkle makes me want to crawl into the fetal position or just hop in the car and go far, far away and not have to deal with anything. Part of being an adult is learning how to deal with situations like this – toughening up and not taking things so personally. But this affects too many people for me to want to just sit by and watch things implode. I actually DO care about my job and I take what I do very seriously, so seeing people veer from the paths of logic . . . just hurts.

Thanks for being such a patient ear, folks . . .

Assessing the situation

It’s been a long, tiring day – today was the first day of registration for the ESL classes I teach and I was at a site for 3 hours this evening, testing all of the registrants to see what levels they should go into.

This year, we are using new assessment tests and they are rather annoying to deal with. We are supposed to ask a student a list of questions and while they are answering give them scores in three different areas: Language Comprehension, language complexity, and . . . what’s the last “c”? . . . well, it’s whether we can clearly understand what they are trying to say. (I’m tired, can you tell?) It kind of ruins the flow of the questioning and also is a bit nerve wracking for the student to sit through. For example, we ask a student “Do you work?” The student answers, “Yes.” This is followed by three minutes of circling scores for their answer. Then we ask the next question – they usually give a one word answer, and then lots of scoring. You can also tell how well a student is doing by how many questions they have to answer. If a student isn’t doing well, the test stops much earlier than for a more fluent person. In those cases, I just ask them random questions that they do understand in order to put them at ease and not freak them out too much. I usually ask how many children they have, how old the children are, how they like living in Northern Virginia – stuff that most folks can easily answer a bit. Then the can leave the testing situation not feeling like a failure . . .

I can’t believe that I start teaching again next week . . . I will have to look at my old lesson plans and revise them to make the class flow a little better and encourage more talking amongst themselves. Also, I can’t forget to bring my usual bag of candy to class with me . . . it helps keep folks coming back each week.

I was rather touched this evening when several separate occasions, people that I tested asked me if I was going to be their teacher. I had to explain that I teach at another site in another part of town. One person said that I seemed like I would be a very good teacher have . . . wasn’t that sweet?

Once in a while I think that I should go back to school to become a real, full time teacher, but then I think that I’m having a lot of fun with it now because I’m just a volunteer and I don’t have any major pressure – we just do the best we can with the time that we have. If I had to teach all day, five days a week, I would get pretty sick of it really fast . . .

I have to do more testing at another site on Thursday night for three hours. I don’t know whether to hope it was as busy as it was tonight, or to hope that hardly anyone comes in – I could kind of use the rest . . .

I started reading Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking last night because I thought that the themes of the book felt appropriate for this week. It is a fast read, but I probably won’t get to it tonight. I’m still up for suggestions as to what to read next . . .

Hope to write something more interesting tomorrow . . .

Petitioning the Empty Sky**

Many thanks to Eric and Dean Dad for responding to my meme while I was gone. (I had to look up who Converge was, and I haven’t had a chance to sample a song or two, but I’m thinking that Eric is right about me in that regard – plus, I have all of the songs in Tapestry memorized . . .)

If you haven’t commented on that post yet, I highly encourage you to do so when you get a chance . . .

I’m always curious as to how I come off in my writing – what is the persona I am presenting to the world? My goal is to be as close to whom I am in “real life” as possible, without blowing the thin veneer of anonymity that I have here. The problem is that I am never sure who I actually am in real life – which, I have realized, has turned out to be the real purpose of this blog: providing a snapshot into the daily (somewhat) musings of a random person trying to make sense of herself and the world around her circa the early 21st century . . .

*My business trip went as well as could be expected. The hotel room I had was HUGE – it was one of those suite hotels, which normally I love to stay in when I’m traveling around with Mr. Random – but when you are sitting all by yourself in a strange town, in a suite larger than your first apartment, you tend to think it’s a bit of overkill. I also hate having to be social in the evenings, especially after running around conference sessions all day. I’m only a people person up to a certain time limit . . . On the first evening there, I went out to dinner with a group of folks, but with such a large party (12) we had to wait an hour for a table, then it took forever for everyone to order, and then get the food, and by the time we were done it was 10 PM – going home just in time to get ready for bed. The next evening I begged off from going out to dinner and went back to my hotel room and accidentally watched the entire HBO/Spike Lee documentary on Hurricane Katrina. (Yes, accidentally – I was only flipping around to find some local news for a moment, and I got sucked into all FOUR HOURS of the show. Uplifting! Needless to say, I didn’t get much reading done that night either . . .)

*I did finish reading The Emperor of Ocean Park on the train ride home on Friday. I had started reading it on the train ride down on Wednesday night and tried to get in a few reading sessions in the evenings at the hotel. It was hard for me to put the book down, with is why I had a marathon reading session of Friday night – I just HAD to finish. The book is kind of a mystery as a man tries to find out exactly what kind of man his father before he died. The main character had a lot of “self-loathing-ness” going on, and I think if I met him in real life I probably wouldn’t want to hang out with him much, but the story itself and all of his discoveries kept me riveted. It also helped that large parts of the story took place in DC and Oak Bluffs, MA – two places I know very, very well. I give the book three stars!

OK, right now, I have on queue to read the following: Zadie Smith’s White Teeth, William Thackeray’s Vanity Fair, Stephen Fry’s The Ode Less Traveled, Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking, and A.S. Byatt’s A Whistling Woman . . . among many, many more. Anyone have any recommendations on which one I should pick up next? . . .

*National Novel Writing Month (http://www.nanowrimo.org/) is coming upon us quickly – November 1 – 30, 2006. As you can see by the icon at the side of this page, I started to do it last year but failed to get enough momentum going to sustain my productivity through the entire month. I’m going to try it again this year. Fifty thousand words in 30 days is still quite a daunting task, so I won’t promise that I will finish it but I will definitely make sure that it is higher on the priority list than last year . . .

*I am avoiding all TV today – I really don’t need to be reminded of what happened 5 years ago – working in Downtown DC, just a few steps from the White House, I was in the thick of everything – no one needs to tell me what the day was like or how I should feel about it. Myself and all of my friends, we each have a harrowing bit of story to tell and we all have processed it however we needed to in order to move on in our lives and not live in fear and sadness and hatred. I hate all of the publicity, the overwrought memorials, the gestures that I feel are empty and just for show, just to make us all feel angry and scared all over again, to justify whatever it is that’s going on these days. That’s all I’m saying for now – I’m much too tired to go into a rant . . .

Hope to be back to semi-deep thoughts tomorrow . . .

** Title of a Converge song

Assignment for While I'm Gone . . .

Folks,

I came upon this meme on another blog and I'm kind of curious how this will turn out. Please answer the following question in the comments, if you wish:

Based on this blog, what kind of person do you think I am? If you’ve met me, what has surprised you about me?

I always think that I give off the aura of always being on the edge of a nervous breakdown, with all the depth of a kiddie pool left out in the sun for a week.

Be totally honest - I don't mind!

Heading South

Of course, as soon as I start building up some decent posts, it’s time for me to go on a business trip for a couple of days. I will be sans my laptop for this trip, so new posting probably won’t happen again until Saturday. Thanks for your comments – I’ll be thinking about things quite a bit while I am away . . .

Mr. Random’s grad school did not let us know until Friday that he will need a laptop with him on the first day of class – they want to load a bunch of software on that he will be using throughout the 18 months of the program. Since there isn’t time to get a new laptop (and we also don’t have the money to get a new one), my laptop will become his. Oh, well – I am extremely bummed, but at least I had it for 9 months! I used it to do a lot of research and writing on it for work, besides just plain old joyous screwing around on the internet, but I lived without it before, so I’ll deal with it now . . .

By the way, dealing with the University has been quite a chore for Mr. Random – it takes them days to actually answer whatever question that anyone e-mails them or calls them with, and this had been seconded by some other folks in Mr. Ransom’s program. They theorize that because they are in the Weekend Program that they are placed at the bottom of the priority pool, but a friend of ours that attended the same school for a different grad program said that service for him was pretty lousy too. I guess you don’t really notice the lousy service much when you are in school the first time, but once you are out in the “real world” you start to expect things to happen in a much more timely manner . . .

I’m not looking that forward to this trip because there is so much going on here at home and I am upset that I’m going to miss sending off Mr. Random on his first day of school. I have low expectations for this trip, since on previous trips I’ve worked myself into almost exhaustion, and this one will be no exception. I won’t even have a buffer evening to wind down – once my last committee meeting is finished, I’m off to the train station to make my way home . . .

On a positive note, I am bringing two books with me and I’m hoping to be able to read most of one of them, if not finish. I’m bringing both White Teeth and The Emperor of Ocean Park – which one I read will depend on what I’m in the mood for once I get on the train . . .

I am also bringing my Holga camera with me, in case I get an opportunity to take some street shots while I’m there. However, the Holga doesn’t have a flash and I may not be able to be out and about until after dark, so it may be a waste of space . . .

I’m only taking one smallish rolling suitcase and a backpack. All the clothes/shoes/toiletries are stuffed into the suitcase – I’m so happy that I’m taking the train so that I can see where my bag is at all times . . . and I can bring a couple of bottles of water and some trail mix with me, so I don’t have to buy anything.

I’m trying to get better at packing, but on these business trips you never really know what’s going to happen on any given day. Am I going to end up spilling a whole Coke down my white shirt? Are the rooms going to be too hot? Too cold? If one night a whole bunch of people want to go out to dinner should the dress be casual? Semi-casual? Keep on the business clothes I had on all day? Will I want to go to the gym in the hotel and walk on the treadmill or do the elliptical? Should I bring my sneakers? It’s so hard to be a female sometimes . . .

Time for the Fall grind to start! I hope everyone had a great Labor day. See you all when I get back . . .

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us. -- Joseph Campbell

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
-- Mark Twain

One should as a rule respect public opinion in so far as is necessary to avoid starvation and to keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny, and is likely to interfere with happiness in all kinds of ways.
-- Bertrand Russell

Water Flowing Underground

I finished Until I Find You last night – the last fourth of the book was just torture to me, I could barely make myself read the last 20 pages. It was going so well, and I was getting so much out of it, but the ending just seemed so lame and predictable and disappointing. I do recommend the book for most of it, just skip the last section – trust me, you’ll feel better for it . . . unless you really need to see everything resolved, then you probably will finish it, but be forewarned . . .

Eric wrote an interesting comment to my post on Wednesday, which I’ve been mulling over a bit

You know that line, "I never imagined things would turn
out the way they did"? Well, I'm now wondering why we imagine so much. I don't
mean that in a defeatist way, but life changes so quickly with unforeseen
matters that this is something totally off our self radar.

It’s interesting, I’m not sure what I imagined my future would be like when I was younger. I just had a vague feeling that things would be much better than there were at that moment. All I knew was that being an adult, living on my own, had to feel better than being under the regime of my parents. Setting goals for yourself requires a bit of imagination though – you have to be confident that you have the fortitude to stick things through and the wisdom required to complete whatever it is that you start. You see other people who have done the same thing, or are doing the same thing that you want to do, and they don’t seem to be having any problems with it . . . so why should you?

And then real life sets in and throws all sorts of monkey wrenches into your plans. “Why is this going wrong?” you think. “How come I’m the one having problems?”

Now, everyone else may have had problems reaching their goals too, but they just don’t tell you about them and/or you don’t see them so you don’t know that they had to struggle with things too. We always assume that everyone else has an easy time, unless we are told otherwise. So when the normal bumps and setbacks happen, we feel really offended and hurt and alone. We feel like the freak in the crowd who can’t get their stuff together.

Changes and challenges are a part of life, but I wonder if our individualistic attitudes sort of resign us to feeling so disgruntled. (wait, did that statement make sense?)

We don’t lean on each other too much, so there is no sense of a shared struggle going on through life. Unless we have really great friends and/or significant others to share our feelings and outrages with, of course we are going to feel extremely frustrated at what life throws our way. Family may not be much of a help either, unless we have a really close, open relationship with them and can tell them about all of the stupid stuff that populates our daily lives.

Being connected to others – I think – helps us get over the disappointment of things not happening the way we think they should, because other people add the perspective that we may be sorely lacking.

Wait! I think I got off track somewhere – did I?

“I never imagined that things would turn out the way they did.”

For most of us, it is to be hoped that this is a positive statement – we have looked at the challenges we’ve had with an eye to the opportunities they’ve created and which have led us even closer to figuring out who we are and what we want. Sometimes those outcomes that we couldn’t imagine turn out to be better than the things that we actually thought we wanted. Sometimes it is hard for us to stomach some of the course changes, but if we have learned anything in this life, it is that if you plug on long enough, things can’t get too much worse.

OK, at this point I have no idea if I’m making sense so I’ll stop. I probably should start over, but then I probably wouldn’t have a post at all . . .

Whatever you think, be sure it is what you think; whatever you want, be sure that is what you want; whatever you feel, be sure that is what you feel.
-- T.S. Eliot

It’s been a long busy week, and I’m hoping to get a bit of rest this weekend – I hope everyone else has a great holiday too . . .

Staring at the Clay

I’m in a bit of a mood today, but I’m going to go with it for the purposes of writing.

I am almost finished reading Until I Find You. John Irving is the sort of author that is not everyone’s cup of tea. Most of the people who populate his novels are usually wounded in freakishly major ways – whether physically or emotionally – and they are all trying to make their way to “normal.” But one thing you realize very early is that there is no real “normal.” Everyone – each and every one of us – is wounded in some way, carrying around some baggage that makes us feel odd and different and freakish when compared to others around us. Or at least, that’s how I feel . . .

We create our own lives and our own memories, but they are very much shaped by what happens to us when we are younger – our whole sense of self is formed by what our families and others around us choose to tell us and to withhold from us. We lose our innocence when we start to realize that everything that we were told was not necessarily the truth but what they wanted us to believe was true, and we spend the rest of our lives trying to establish what our own truths are. It is a long and hard process, sometimes shaking us down to the foundation of who we have thought we were and who we think we should be.

The positive thing about this process is that we each get to reinvent ourselves however we wish. The negative thing about this process is that our baggage, our ingrained histories, our false truths can be the things that keep us from moving forward – because they are comfortable, because they are safe, because they are easy.

Being in the process right now has been quite depressing and yet quite exhilarating. Does that make sense? I have no idea of who I am and who I’m supposed to be. I think I’m one type, but then I notice some things that make me the opposite. I try to be a good person, but I know I’m not. What does being a good person mean? Does one bad thing negate all of the good? Can a person try to be selfless, but still end up being supremely selfish? Be motherly, but not necessarily be a mother? Can you love people, but ultimately not love anyone?

I’ll be darned if I know. And it is killing me. I am starting to think I need to see the answers spray-painted on a wall somewhere for me to get it – but even if the answers did miraculously appear, would I understand them? Would I pay attention? Or would I think that they were wrong and misguided and keep on seeking?

if i write, i am not scared.

I guess I am not as scared as I thought anymore. Something must be going on in this brain of mine that is leading to something . . . it is just a bit of a mess on paper, that’s all . . .

Still Passing the Open Windows

(The title of this post refers to the book, The Hotel New Hampshire . . . no worries, it's a good thing.)

I did not realize that it has been almost a week since I last wrote . . .

There is much to write about, but I don’t seem to have the words or the energy at the moment. There are many things going on though – life just keeps plugging away at the Random household as we gear up for a season of increased activity.

A few weeks ago, Justrose had this in her blog:

“there was an interview in this month's national geographic with egyptian writer
alaa al aswany, author of the yacoubian building. it is famous in the arab
world, i know nothing about it, i probably won't read it. but he said this about
writing, which i loved:”

if i get scared, i cannot write, and if i write, i am not scared.

I am scared. I am not sure what the fall is going to bring.

Right now there are many opportunities that I could start to work on, but the implications of a few of those projects are frightening to me – they may mean a whole change in focus and more time out and about. Mr. Random will be very busy with grad school and running and soccer – and I am psyched and encouraging for him. My choir practices are starting up again, along with my ESL teaching, and I will be running around very busy too.

There is a project that I want to start to work on – my photo project – which could be quite fun and hone my skills while helping to document a “scene” that is going on in the DC area. Almost every ounce of my being wants to do this, but I hesitate. It is scary. It will take more time away. I don’t know if I will be good at it. People may just think I am a weirdo, and the pictures may turn out to totally suck. But I HAVE to try . . .

Gee, I seem to be talking myself into it, huh?

Anyway, it seems like the next year is going be a huge determining factor in how the rest of my life is going to go. It feels like the decisions I’m making now are “make or break.” So, I’m scared for that reason, too. I’m at the bottom of a hill, looking at three different paths going up a mountain, but I cannot see where they lead – I cannot see where they end because there’s some sort of fog or smog at the top obscuring the view. I really don’t want to end up in a place where it turns out I don’t want to be . . . but there is no way to be sure . . .

I’ll end here because I’m not sure if I’m making any sense. It is still a jumble in my head. Thanks for being a receptacle for my indecision . . . it does help a bit . . .

By the way . . . more random quotes today:

The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don't define them, or ever seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with them.
--Denis Watley

It is better wither to be silent, or to say things of more value than silence. Sooner throw a pearl at hazard than an idle or useless word; and do not say a little in many words, but a great deal in a few.
--Pythagoras (582 BC - 507 BC)

Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot.
--D. H. Lawrence (1885 - 1930)

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
--Anais Nin (1903 - 1977)

Back to Randomness

Another meme going around is to go to this page: (http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3) and pick 5 random quotes that seem to fit you today.

Here are mine . . . and they are pretty awesome and fitting for my state of mind these days. How funky is that?

Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own
private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that is which determines, or
rather indicates, his fate.
Henry David Thoreau (1817 -
1862)

Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a
form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and
the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and
aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and
vagaries of the crowd.
Edith Sitwell (1887 - 1964), Taken Care Of
,1965

There's no correlation between creativity and equipment
ownership. None. Zilch. Nada. Actually, as the artist gets more into his thing,
and as he gets more successful, his number of tools tends to go down. He knows
what works for him. Expending mental energy on stuff wastes time.
Hugh
Macleod, How To Be Creative: 10. The more talented somebody is, the less they
need the props., 08-22-04

Perfection is a road, not a destination.
Every time I live, I get an education.
Burk Hudson

She had an
unequalled gift... of squeezing big mistakes into small opportunities.

Henry James (1843 - 1916)

Other Random Updates:

*My friend, L, is going to be staying with her friend, J, until she makes enough money to find a place. Whew! That is quite the burden off of my mind. Thanks so much, Virginia Gal, for the offer of a lead on a place in Manassas!

*Oh, and to answer Virginia Gal’s comment – yes, NPR gets on my nerves sometimes too. Sometimes it seems like a parody of itself in all of its earnestness . . .

*I am still terribly out of sorts, but am muddling along each day. I’m not going to be able to go to Alabama to visit my grandmother until the end of September now, because of a lack of funds. I am terribly disappointed and but hope that late September will be a nice time to have a visit.

*Today I ended up having the exact same conversation with someone that I’ve been having with them for the past 6 months. It always gets resolved the same way, and yet, not. It is so hard to figure out how to resolve this in a satisfactory way for everyone, but until then I guess it will keep coming back again and again until someone gives in.

*Over the weekend, I read Isabel Allende’s Zorro. I started it Saturday night and finished it by 10 PM Sunday night. I love, love, love her novels – I love the music of her words, the tone she sets . . . her writing is what makes me want to write, to get better at writing, to tell a story in a way that makes someone want to keep the story going on forever. I have read mostly all of her books and at an event in 2002 at the National Museum of Women in the Arts, I actually got to hear her speak about her life and her writing. (Mr. Random actually got to speak interact with her a bit: When Mr. Random was walking to the museum after parking the car, he noticed a woman who looked lost to where the entrance was. He took her to the correct entrance and opened the door for her – surprise! It turned out to Ms. Allende.)

*I am now reading John Irving’s Until I Find You. It is an encouraging sign that my brain is clearing out enough clutter to be able to read whole books again, not just magazine articles. I just wish my brain would declutter enough to actually WRITE something decent . . .

*Which reminds me that I really need to renew a whole slew of magazines. I’m probably going to give up Bon Appetit, and keep: Metropolis, InStyle, The New Yorker, Cooking Light and Sunset. Ugh, my Wall Street Journal is coming due soon too . . .

Until I blog again . . . hope all is going well for everyone!

Trinity Meme

Hey folks, let's lighten things up a bit! (Meme is courtesy of Justrose)

3 things that scare me:
Flying. Actually being stuck in a metal tube traveling many miles per hour, many thousands of feet up in the sky, with the possibility of crashing down. That may hurt a little, I think . . .
Losing people I care about forever
Being stuck in a rut – not growing or learning or being able to do new things or go new places

3 people that make me laugh:
My dad
Mr. Random
My friend, J.

3 things that I hate most:
Waiting in lines
Crowds
Being overlooked

3 things I don't understand:
Why religions that are supposed to stand for love and justice can engender so much hate and intolerance
Why TV news shows are so incredibly crappy
Why putting everything on the internet is supposed to be the schwartz.

3 things I am doing right now:
Watching the Random Cat sleeping curled up beside me on the couch
Nibbling on some of the tasty fig/date/nut bread that I made on Thursday night.
Trying to figure out what the next steps in my life should be

3 things I want to do before I die:
Travel to Europe and Latin America
Study Philosophy, Urban Planning and Architecture
Learn to play the violin and the piano

3 things I can do
Make a killer cheesecake
Be a friendly ear and a helping hand to those I care about
Edit other people’s writing (I’m lousy at doing my own)

3 ways to describe my personality:
Open, but guarded
Giving, but selfish
Optimistic, but moody

3 things I can't do:
Whistle
Swim
Tell a funny joke without totally ruining it.

3 things I think you should listen to:
The sounds of little children playing – one of the most comforting things in the world.
The ocean outside your window at the beach
Cicadas and birds in the woods as you are sitting or walking.

3 things you should never listen to:
Talk radio
People who don’t have your best interest at heart or are incredibly negative all the time
Someone telling you that you CAN”T do something because of some dumb stereotype.

3 absolute favorite foods:
Anything potato related – chips, fries, mashed potatoes, potatoes au gratin, baked, roasted, anything!
Anything Asian related: Thai, Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, Indian
Anything Southern, but chitlins.

3 things I'd like to learn:
Flamenco dancing – it just looks cool
How to perform well on stage or in groups – I am really afraid of looking stupid or doing the wrong things
How to be a better artist – a better observer and better at expressing myself whether in my photographs or on paper.

3 beverages I drink regularly:
Diet Dr. Pepper
Ginger Ale (to settle my stomach – also goes well with Asian food)
Tea – I LOVE Teas!

3 shows I watched as a kid:
Little House on the Prairie
Anything on PBS during the day
Any music variety shows – Solid Gold, Soul Train, American Bandstand, Hee Haw, Laurence Welk – you name it, I watched it. I pretty much liked any type of music

Positively Positive

. . . That’s what I’m trying to be this week. Don’t know if it is working, but that’s the mantra I’m using.

My friend, L, called last night. She asked if she could stay with Mr. Random and I through the end of September until she can get her own apartment. Her sister, who she is staying with now, is moving in a few weeks to another part of Virginia. She said that she knew that Mr. Random and I are just getting over having Random Mum-in-law stay with us, but she really needs a place to stay.

I told her that we would think about it. When Mr. Random got home from running, I told him what happened. We were both incredibly conflicted about what our answer should be. Our first impulse was to say no, but we both felt like that was a selfish thing to think. We want to be good people and do the right thing, so shouldn’t we want to help out a friend?

We talked about how we were both going to be super busy next month – what with Mr. Random starting grad school, having weekend soccer games and training for the marathon, and me starting to teach ESL again, having choir practices and traveling for the early part of the month – plus working our normal jobs..

Mr. Random also would not feel right with a semi-stranger living with him in the condo while I was gone. Also, our condo is not very big and 5 weeks is a long time to share a small space with a non-relative. Now, if my sister wanted to come live with us for a month, that’s another story because, well . . .she’s my sister! And if our unemployed friend, C, had asked to stay with us, it would have been an easy no to say.

L is a sweet woman who has worked pretty hard to get through law school and was kind enough to let me visit her in New York (even though that turned out pretty lousy). We have talked for countless hours and I have given her tons of encouragement and advice over the years. I have tried to be as supportive a friend as I possibly could be.

But there was a layer of uneasiness about L that we couldn’t quite verbalize.

So Mr. Random and I had been agonizing over this decision all last night and all day today. As we were taking our usual lunchtime walk, we came to a decision.

We are going to say no. And try to do what we can to find her a good roommate situation that she can be in for about 6 months or so. Because if she can’t afford an apartment right now, she probably won’t be able to comfortably do so by October, and then we really wouldn’t be able to tell her to leave once she was living with us. It would be a huge strain on an already stressful period, and we wouldn’t feel real comfortable with her there during this transitional time.

Am I horrible for not wanting to help out a friend in need? It’s OK if you think so – I already feel really bad . . .

Now to see what her reaction will be . . .

Nibbling Away at Sanity

I have just been in a “mood-most-foul” all week. I am trying to work on it, really I am! This morning I was reading through Justrose’s Blog and this statement leapt out at me:

the bottom line: i have a good life, and i just have to stop machinating
over it and live it, for whatever happens. i worry too goddamn much.

Or as my friend, J, so succinctly said:

I don't think there's a nice way to put it, but life sucks sometimes.

I just wish I could turn off the ol’ brain and not have to deal with anything for a while. I’m getting tired of dealing with other people’s baggage. I am weary of dealing with situations at work that were caused (or neglected) by my predecessors. I hate having to be aware of all the petty political machinations going on inside and outside the organization. I am sick of being in the loop, but not in the loop enough to actually be able to do anything. Middle management sucks . . .

And when I get cranky, I tend to either eat or starve. This time around I’m eating, I guess, which will undo all the good work I did the first 6 months of the year.

Semi-good news: I’m going to be teaching ESL on Tuesday nights again in the Fall. This time the semester will only be 10 weeks long – hallelujah! However, I’m hoping they are changing the curriculum slightly, since otherwise we won’t be able to finish everything in time.

I talked to my friend, L, last night. I hadn’t talked to her all summer since she had been busy studying intently for the Virginia Bar exam. She is just now starting to look for jobs, to tide her over until she gets the results of the Bar. Unlike all of my other lawyer friends, she did not work at law firms over the summers while she was in law school, and now she is having trouble finding work right away. I had offered to hook her up with some of my friends who could probably help her out a bit, or at least point her in the right directon, but she always declines. The way she described her encounters at various temp agencies did not seem encouraging either, since by what she said about her meetings with various folks, she seems to have a bit of a chip on her shoulder about interviewing for administrative positions – although that is what she is looking for at this point.

Talking to her made me want to go beat my head against a wall. Listening to her, I felt sad and angry, because I always thought she had more sense that that, but I then tried to remember what she was like to work with (L and I met while working at a ubiquitous DC trade association) and I guess I had glossed over that her attitude there was not exactly the best either . . .

. . . my, I still seem to have a lot of hostility . . . I’ll try to be a bit peppier later, I promise . . .

Not Seeing The Baby Panda

The heat has broken a little bit, so today Random Mum-in-law, Mr. Random and I decided to venture out to the National Zoo, to see the baby panda and to get a few souvenirs to take back with her for family and friends.

We started out a bit after 12 and went to the Café Deluxe for lunch on Wisconsin Ave, a bit past the National Cathedral. It was crowded, as it would be on a Friday afternoon, and it took us about 20 minutes to get a table. We had some lovely sandwiches for lunch – I had a grilled cheese with bacon and tomato, Mr. Random and his mom both had chicken with avocado spread. The restaurant was noisy, so I couldn’t hear much of what Mr. Random and his mom were talking about, but I made sure to smile and nod appreciable in between bites of my yummy sandwich and slender, crispy French fries. I was STARVING, and I had woken up with a most horrible headache, so I wasn’t really in the mood for walking around and making small talk, although I tried to be a sport as best I could.

Two interesting incidents happened during lunch. First, I sighted a low-level celebrity, Mark Plotkin – a DC political radio host – walking on the door. I alerted Mr. Random as discretely as I could (“Isn’t that Mark Plotkin over there?” I whispered . . .) and of course, Mr. Random craned his head back as subtle as a Mack truck to get a good look at him.

The other incident happened when I was left alone at the table when both Mr. Random and his mom went to the bathroom. I was casually looking out of the window, when I spied a small, white-haired, elderly lady curled up in a wheelchair coming out of the apartments next door. She seemed to be moving rather fast, and before I knew it (because I guess the sidewalk had a bit of an incline) she had crashed into the side of the silver SUV parked at the curb. Two seconds later, a woman came running out to grab the woman and her chair and push her away from the SUV and make sure she was OK. Meanwhile, I started laughing – but I felt bad about it, REALLY! – because I could not believe what I just happened to see . . . this poor little old lady, careening down the path right into a parked car, unable to stop – I guess she didn’t have the energy to put on the brakes – just like something out of a cartoon or Monty Python sketch. She seemed OK, but I guess her nurse wasn’t watching her too carefully, or things happened to fast to stop it. I am certainly going straight to Hell for laughing at that . . .

After lunch we drove over to the Zoo, which was not too far away. Mr. Random actually found a great parking spot on Connecticut Ave, a half block from the Zoo entrance, which was amazing, since we hardly ever find great spots like that.

Once in the park, we walked over to the Cheetahs, where we found one huddled in a far corner, under a tree, trying to bask in the shade. Then we strolled over to where the Pandas were.

There was a major line. A major line on the sun. A major line in the sun that wasn’t moving. A major line in the sun that wasn’t moving and that the Zoo person said that the wait would be about 40 minutes. Random Mum-in-law was already starting to wilt anyway, so we decided to come back later. So we went another couple of yards and then decided to go into the air conditioned gift shop. There, Random Mum-in-law bought a few souvenirs and then decided that we should probably go home. She really couldn’t take the walking or the heat. We had only been there about a half hour at this point, and she was quite disappointed that she didn’t get to see the pandas. We were more concerned about her health at this point and didn’t mind leaving quickly.

On the way out of the park, we had to stop several times for Random Mum-in-law to catch her breath and rest a bit. Luckily we had parked so close to the Zoo that Mr. Random didn’t have to go and get the car for us. We tried to put a happy face on the day, saying that at least she got to eat at a nice DC restaurant, see some neighborhoods that she normally wouldn’t see, and got to get some stuff to take back to the West Coast with her . . .

Now she is resting in the living room, still going outside every hour or so to smoke. Mr. Random and I don’t quite know what to do or say, but are very concerned about her health. She can only seem to walk a few yards before getting very fatigued. Even taking the humidity into account, we can tell that something isn’t quite right.

Has anyone had to confront a family member about their health? Should we just worry in silence? She seems to pooh pooh that anything major might be wrong with her – she just says that she is out of shape . . .

Tomorrow we are going to spend the day with my parents at their house . . . I hope that goes much better than today did . . .

Feeling Like a Caged Animal

Random Mum-in-law has been here for three days now, and it has been so hot and humid that we have not been able to do any of the sightseeing that we had hoped.

Last night we did go to the Ethiopian Restaurant, which was quite yummy and filling – eating meat and vegetables with handfuls of flatbread will fill you up rather quickly. Since I felt so full, and because I just needed to do a bit of movement after sitting around the condo all day and then eating a huge meal, the three of us decided to walk a little around Georgetown.

We did not make it more than a block and a half before Random Mum-in-law said that we needed to go back. She was having a hard time walking and the humidity was getting to her. It was very worrying to both Mr. Random and I since (a) we didn’t go walk very far and (b) at that point it wasn’t as humid as it had been earlier in the day when she kept going out on the balcony to go smoke every hour, almost on the hour . . .

Random Mum-in-law’s health is of great concern to us. She seems much more frail this time, her coughs sound just horrible, and she can’t do very much without getting very tired. Supposedly her doctor says she is fine, but we aren’t believing it.

I am trying to be a good Daughter-in-law and a good sport, but being cooped up with someone for three days is always very trying. Mr. Random and I are trying to be on our best behavior and trying to accommodate Mum-in-law’s needs as best we can. Normally, if we were home by ourselves, we would just brave the heat and go places or curl up in our respective places and read, write, watch TV, or surf the internet. We make full meals rather than just making ourselves a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when we are hungry. That, coupled with the lack of walking, makes me feel like I am going to gain 20 pounds by the time the week is over.

Now, I utterly adore Random Mum-in-law to death – but sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder . . .

[Guilty rant over . . .]

A Visitor from the West

The Random Mother-in-law is in residence this week.

The Random Household is tidier than it has been in . . . well, years. The new paint in the bathroom has been touched up, new shower curtains purchased, matching towels adorning the towel racks, and my sea of random lotions and sprays has been taken off of the counters and put neatly into shelves and cabinets.

The kitchen, while still resplendent with the fugly wallpaper and counters, has everything neatly put away and actually looks functional. It isn’t though – Yesterday, while Mr. Random took his mother out to lunch, I stayed at home and actually made gazpacho, marinated some herb-crusted pork chops for dinner, and baked a fig-date-walnut bread from a recipe I found in Cooking Light. In making all these things I realized that our cabinets are just horrible – all of the baking-ware and mixing bowls are shoved into a tiny space, making it almost impossible to find what I needed without taking out half of the contents of the cabinet. And I need new measuring spoons and cups in the worst way – I haven’t bought any new stuff in about 8 years and a lot of my utensils have sort of disappeared through attrition.

It also doesn’t help that I only feel culinary when I have a lot of time off. Around the winter holidays, between Christmas and New Years, I become a baking queen. During the rest of the year, I avoid the kitchen like the plague – who has time after working all day, plus volunteering and doing whatever?

It really sucks that it is so hot – it rather limits our choices of what we can do. Usually I love walking around the museums of the Mall, or wandering around Old Town Alexandria, but neither of these is an option in this heat. It does not help that Mr. Random’s mom smokes like a chimney and doesn’t quite have the stamina to do much walking, even on cool days. We are going to an Ethiopian restaurant tonight – she’s willing to try it – which should be an interesting experience. My Dad is coming along with us, since my mom is out of town, so this should be super-interesting.

I am much more relaxed this week and am trying really hard not to think of all the work I have to do next week – when I do, it just gets me stressed out and upset. So I am trying to go with the flow as much as possible. I may even get off this computer and try to read a book . . . imagine that!