The Cranky Lady Speaks!

Today I was working in my Random University library. They are now starting to box up shelves and shelves of reference materials – bound journals, archived magazines, technical dictionaries and the like – and send them to a central consortium storage place. You will still be able to access the materials by requesting them through the college library and there is an easy method to do so though the college computer system.

However, seeing all of the volumes being put onto carts and taken away makes me incredibly sad. One of my favorite pastimes in libraries is walking randomly through the stacks, pulling down books or topics that look interesting at the moment, and finding very surprising, fascinating bits of information. For example, one day in Ye Olde Colonial College’s stacks I found a series of bound women’s magazines from the 1940’s through the 1980’s. To look through all those volumes and see the ads and fashions of yesteryear, all of the articles of housewife-y information and advice, was quite a treat. Another time, I was wandering though and started reading old business magazines, marveling at the predictions and business practices from decades ago.

I know that in writing this I sound incredibly old fashioned, like someone nostalgic for the good old days, not sufficiently appreciative of the current technologies that allow people to access any information from anywhere. Well, I *am* appreciative – especially as a student and a researcher of sorts – but as someone who is always interested in a wide range of topics, and who sometimes depends on random connections to spark creativity, I think that the disappearance of the physical books from the scene can be considered tragic.

On another blog, someone was talking about how, as a kid, he would pull random books down from his parents’ shelves and read them as they struck his fancy. If we all have kindles or e-readers, will that moment of random discovery ever happen? Will everything in the future have to be purposefully sought out? What does this mean for future generations? I mean, I know that Wikipedia has a "random" function, but that supposes that you are constantly connected to a computer. I prefer not to spend huge amounts of time staring at a screen, and a tiny one at that! (And gee, can you tell that from my sucky posting these days?)

I also wonder why one technology has to push out another so quickly. I'd much rather continue to have choices of how I'd like my information, but it seems that especially in the newspaper realm those choices are being made for me, even though I'm willing to actually pay for the format I prefer.

These are some of the things that occupy my brain these days. Do you agree? Or do you think I need to adjust my tinfoil hat? Inquiring minds want to know . . .

Keeping the Spark

Let’s see . . . what’s been going on in the Random world since I last wrote?

I’ve had several very lovely weekends since the graduation. Even this past weekend, with all the rain and the hail on Saturday afternoon, had some definite awesome parts. Some crappy parts too, but the lovely outweighed the crappy. I like wonderful weekends . . . they make getting through the rest of the week so much more bearable . . .

An old friend of mine has moved back to the area after a several year absence and we briefly caught up on the phone on Friday. He and his wife just had their second child, a little boy, and their daughter is almost 3 years old. He works for one of the many defense-contracting firms in the area, doing things I probably don’t want to know about. I actually felt a bit sad and disappointed talking to him, because he didn’t really sound like himself – or at least the person I knew a decade ago. He has many more responsibilities and now and isn’t quite the same bubbly, happy-go-lucky guy anymore. I know we all change and grow, but it felt like something was lost there and it made me feel very sad. Some of my friends I have had for years, and while they have changed and grown too, they are still pretty much the same as when they were young and single. My friends, the R’s, have a boisterous little boy now and it is fun to see how these two people who we adore and who we’ve pretty much grown up with navigate their life changes while still maintaining their humor and personality. Even though I don’t have kids, we can still hang out and have fun and great conversations (although we have to keep looking out for the little one and making sure he isn’t tormenting a cat.) There are some people . . . that the spark is just gone. And it hurts when it happens, but it’s part of life and I should be used to it by now . . .

I found out that I received an “A” in my spring Microeconomics class. That was rather unexpected, since my final paper was dreadful upon dreadful, but I’ll not look a gift horse in the mouth . . .

I will be at a conference beginning Wednesday morning through Saturday evening. I am not looking forward to it, but at least it will be something different.

In service of my ongoing Shakespeare project, I’m going to see Julius Caesar in a couple of weeks, and hope to see Antony and Cleopatra soon after that. Yay! And this year’s Fringe Festival is coming up quickly (mid-late July) and I’m always pleasantly surprised by that experience.

My ESL class is humming along. Some of the students have dropped off for life reasons, but the core group I still have are very lively and interested. They always ask great questions and make me want to try to figure out more effective (but fun!) ways to teach the material, which can be deadly dry at times . . .

Just wanted to update you all quickly and let you know I’m still puttering about!

Wile E. Coyote, Looking Up, Holding a Small Umbrella

I see that COTW is taking some time away after having a few life events happen. She does so much and is such an awesome person that it’s good to see her take some time to step back and rest and deal with all of the change around her.

Like I said earlier, I was sick last week, but it wasn’t really the flu – although that’s what I say because getting into what’s actually wrong with me would take too much time to get into normally.

The bottom line is that I woke up on Wednesday morning and had a huge panic attack. And then I couldn’t stop crying. Because it gets SO overwhelming sometimes – the whole grandma thing, the whole school thing, the whole work thing, the whole soon-we-are-going-to-owe-a-ton-in-student-loans thing – it all hangs over my head like an anvil being suspended by piano wire. There are a few other things going on that I haven’t had the nerve to talk about yet, but they weigh on me too.

I was so upset, Mr. Random thought that I should probably stay home. After much hemming and hawing, I agreed. I felt bad though, because my being so upset was making Mr. Random way late for work. Even when I’m not happy, I still feel worse because I’m ruining stuff for other people too. If it was just me, then I could just call in sick and be done, but when you factor other people who need me to do my part so they can do theirs, it feels such like a burden. My decisions affect others and that can make even simple decisions take forever for me.

I get tired of thinking sometimes. I want to step back and stop the show for a while and just not do anything for a while, except those things I like to do.

So Wednesday I just stayed home and slept a lot. I felt really run down and drained, so it seemed like my body was telling me that that’s what I needed. Towards the end of the day I started getting this huge headache coming on and by Thursday morning it hadn’t let up, and added some nausea in for good measure. However, I had a ton of things that needed to get done at work, so Mr. Random dropped me off as usual. Once at work, I holed up in my office, wrote the things I absolutely needed to write and then had someone take me home at noon. Then I slept some more. It’s a good thing that I went home, because between my head and my stomach, not much else was going to happen. (I know, TMI!) Friday, I made it to class and was able to send out a few work e-mails, but mostly I stayed low and didn’t do much.

Saturday was a bit of a reprieve, and my friend J and I were out and about, finding a new barbecue place for lunch and hanging out in a coffee shop afterwards, reading and working on random stuff. Then when Mr. Random got home we had dinner and walked around a bit (because I ate SO much that day!) My headache started coming back in full force that evening, and Sunday was spent just reading the paper and nodding off. Now here we are today . . . still having a low level headache and feeling blah, but at least I can somewhat function . . .

I am happy that I did well on my Econ exam, but am stressed out about this 30 page final paper that is due first week of May. I am stressed out about work because I am not really sure that I even want to be there anymore. More people are resigning, new people are coming in and I don’t know how I fit in the big picture anymore, or even if I want to fit in. I am stressed about Mr. Random’s mom coming in a couple of weeks. I am stressed out about what my future holds and other decisions that I have to make that will affect other people.

It is spring! The sun is shining and the weather is getting warmer. The summer lies before me – if all goes well my sister will be home from Iraq then – and I should be thrilled, but I’m not. I just see more . . . stuff going on, more stuff to navigate through and deal with.

I want a vacation from thinking about stuff for a little while – maybe just a month? What’s a month out of a lifetime of stuff to deal with, really? Why is this so hard to do?

I guess the whole “needing to earn a paycheck thing” has something to do with it. The whole “have to pay the mortgage” thing. I hate being responsible. Trying to be a grown-up sucks sometimes, really . . .

Sorry, guys, I just had to get this off of my chest. More cheerful posts will be forthcoming, I promise . . .

On the Broad Street Line

This morning on the Today Show, there was a feature segment on a kid who started riding on the NYC subway by himself when he was 9 years old. (I think he’s 10 or 11 now – I didn’t have the sound on for the first part.)

When I first saw the topic on the screen, my first thought was “so what?” However, I guess I am one of the few people who thought that because both Ann Curry and some psychologist lady seemed to be berating the kid’s mom for, GASP, letting little precious travel by himself. That kids that age don’t have the developmental skills to handle something like that by themselves. His mom, who was handling this thing so much more calmly than I would have, was trying to make the rational arguments that, um, he seems to be doing fine and how is he supposed to learn how to get along in the world unless he actually gets along in the world. (I think – I was getting ready for work at the time and half-paying attention.)

As you all may or may not remember, I started going to Doogie Howser MS/HS in Philadelphia (the same illustrious alma mater of Justrose) when I was 9 going on 10 and I took the subway AND the bus back and forth to school every day by myself. It was not a random unusual thing – lot of other kids did it and I do believe that the world of the 1980s wasn’t vastly safer than the world of today. I’d even argue that today is safer in a lot of ways. But what once was considered somewhat normal when I grew up is now almost grounds for child endangerment, and I don’t know how I feel about that. It kind of upsets me on a basic level.

See, this is why I’m semi-wary of having kids because the rules seems to always change about what kids should be allowed to do at what age. OK, now it’s fine that little kids are supposed to be able to start writing paragraphs in Kindergarten, but it’s not OK for the same kids to ride their bikes around the block by themselves when they’re eight. I’m so confused.

I remember how competent and independent I felt to be able to go to school by myself. Yes, the Philadelphia subway transportation system was not the most hygienic and there were some weirdoes along the way, but my parents didn’t raise any fools (although the jury may still be out on me . . .) and the majority of people in the world are good and decent and just going on about their business. If we make things uber-scary, then guess what? Kids will grow up thinking relatively normal, harmless things are uber-scary.

I don’t think this has a point. I’m just rambling. But that segment ticked me off and I’m trying to pinpoint why. Maybe because it sort of invalidates and devalues my own childhood experiences? Negates the brief feelings of control and mastery I felt as a child? (Other than in academics, I sure as heck didn’t feel that way anywhere else . . . and I still have problems with it now.)

Anyway . . . as you were . . .

My Theory of Primaries

OK, Mommanator just commented that she wished that all of the primaries would be held on one day, so all of the states have a say in who they want as the main candidates. It is a commendable goal, and I understand the sentiment, but I can see why that may not be the best idea for several reasons.

Let me again preface this by saying that I used be really involved in politics and am speaking purely from my own experience and observations, so my views may be different from someone else who worked on a campaign. I think everyone should work on a campaign once or twice in their lives, to (a) get the experience and (b) be able to tell the BS from the truth in how things are reported. If you know anything about how campaigns are run, half the stuff you read in the newspaper about presidential electoral politics is overblown crap. Things that don’t mean anything or are normal kinds of campaign blips and errors get blown up way out of proportion to their importance. Just my $.02 . . .

Money: If you think that there is a ton of money being spent on campaigns already, just imagine how much would have to be spent by EACH primary candidate to campaign in each state SIMULTANEOUSLY. Some candidates count on good showings in early races to be able to generate enough support to be able to run in other states. That’s why Biden and Dodd dropped out - these early losses, coupled with a projection that they might not do so well in the next few races – they were not going to be able to generate enough support and funding for their campaigns to continue. Television, radio and newspaper ads cost money. Disseminating information (brochures, posters, bumper stickers, etc.) costs money. Travel costs money. Having enough staff to cover the country, costs money, even taking into account large numbers of volunteers – you still need someone to give them marching orders and be able to control what’s going on. Which leads to . . .

Staffing: During the general election, you notice that candidates don’t campaign in all of the states, they only campaign in key, battleground states. Why? Because there is only so much of one candidate to go around and a campaign wants to expend its resources most efficiently. The state parties can help, but a lot of times having the candidate there can make or break a state’s turnout. For example, in past years many Democratic candidates did not bother too much with Virginia because we were pretty much a pretty reliable red state, so it would have been silly to waste too many national election resources here. However, with the recent change in demographics here (growth in urban/suburban areas) making us a bit more purple, I think that the Democratic nominee would spend a lot more time here meeting and greeting and cultivating supporters. Now, think what would happen if all of the primary candidates had to cover all of the states at the same time. There will still be Wyoming situations where places get ignored for whatever reason . . .

Also, to effectively cover states, there has to be experienced, capable campaign staff stationed on the ground there. In a 50 state scenario, that staff would be spread pretty thin, whereas in the rolling primary scenario staff moves from state to state as a primary election is completed. You may not think it is a big deal, but you also have to think in terms of control – campaigns try to have as much control over information going in and out about a candidate as they can. You also notice that in general elections there lots of special interest groups sponsoring ads, hosting events, putting out negative information and otherwise running amok without the coordination or consent of the candidates or their campaigns. Just think if this was happening for 8 or 9 or 10 candidates, instead of just two! Oy!

Learning the ropes: Early primaries also serve as sort of “training wheels” for candidates. These allow the candidates to get their organizations up and running, get the volunteers and staff trained, and get the big mistakes out of the way early. It allows everyone to learn how to run an efficient and a responsive campaign, to learn how to interact with the public, and to learn which messages work and don’t work. Throwing all the candidates into a 50 state situation right off the bat would just be ugly and confusing.

OK, now that I’ve pooh-poohed the “one day – all states” primary idea, what would I be happy with?

I think that we should still have a few “warm up primaries,” with a mix of a few large and small states, and then maybe 4 regional “Super Tuesday” primaries, each held one week after another. This would allow campaigns time to ramp up and get their feet on the ground, allow candidates to cover a certain region prior to a primary, and allow most people to have their say. It may still suck to be one of the last primaries, but part of the race does have to do with viability, and if you can’t get people to vote for you when you’ve been practically living with them for months, staying in the race for an extended period of time is only going to hurt – both personally and financially.

That’s enough of my political ranting for today! See, that’s why I try not to discuss this stuff too much on this blog, since I get so overly passionate about it . . .

Please feel free to share your own ideas in the comments!

What's New, Pussycat? Woe, Woe, Woe

The Random Non-profit is wearying me to no end.

Sometimes you know that you have to make a change, but you don’t because there are always 8 million excuses – many very legitimate – but excuses just the same.

I think I am done freaking out about school for a while. Now I know how stuff works, what my schedule needs to be, what to expect, where I need to shore up my deficiencies. I can DO this! I am excited and confident. It may not go as perfectly as I hoped, but I can get through it pretty well I think. I have to keep in mind that the goal is to learn a lot and enjoy it . . . and get the piece of paper at the end so I can say I have one. Oh, and eventually get a Master’s degree. Because, that’s what I’ve wanted to do all along, but there’s the pesky thing about finishing undergrad. Mr. Random says I would do just as well as or better than the people in his program, and observing his work I’m like, “I can TOTALLY do that!” So I persevere.

The Random Non-profit? Not so much . . .

Since Mr. Random has moved on to another job and I have started school, I’m not as willing to suffer foolishness gladly anymore. I have other stuff to worry about. I’m not finding the same commitment or ardor in my work. Now, don’t misunderstand me, I am still very committed to the cause for which the organization labors and I still hold highly my interactions with the field and my determination to do my very best to provide them with the information and guidance that they need in an efficient and professional manner. It’s all this internal BS – all these roadblocks and layers and randomly annoying meetings – that has just pushed me to my limits. To use my favorite metaphor, I’m like a vacuum that can only suck up so much crap. The organization keeps going through the same cycles and questions and angst – which way do we want to go today? – and I’ve been here enough years to have been through three or four of these things, and each time the process was very long and drawn out and soul-killing.

I’ve worked in a number of places and I know that each place has its own problems and very special brands of dysfunction, but man! This place takes the cake. And I need to leave before I get so frustrated and angry that I damage my own reputation in a fit of pique. And it is getting to that point . . . getting wicked sick last week showed me that.

My life is more than my job. Yes, the job provides money which comes in rather handy, but it is no good if I spend every day with my stomach tied up in knots or crying out of utter frustration.

Parameters: Need flexibility to go to class two mornings a week. Can glom onto Mr. Random’s health insurance, but I can’t earn too much less than I’m earning right now, just because of the mortgage and stuff. Could freelance but no one I know is in need of any help right now, or they don’t have any money to hire me.

I have no idea what to do though . . . where do I begin? That is my question of the day. Need to figure it out fairly quickly . . .

Still Plugging Along

School week 4 – I have no idea what I am doing and I am super tired. I am really wishing I had had a proper vacation before all of this started . . .

On Saturday, my friend J and I walked a 5K. It was very much fun, but neither of us has done anything like that in a while and I am still very sore today. Instead of T-shirts, the 5K organizers gave out these awesome nalgene water bottles with the 5K logo on them. I’m now keeping it at my desk at work to remind me to drink at least one 32 ounce bottle or more a day.

Meanwhile, Mr. Random went to the anti-war protests downtown to record what was going on for grad school assignment. He taped a lot of interesting footage and got some interesting interviews with some of both the “pro-war” and the “anti-war” folks there.

The thing that annoys me about protest marches these days are . . . they are usually such an unfocused mess. I mean, there are always random people there with their “Drums for Peace” and the odd “puppets of elected figures walking on stilts” and the random people on the podium railing about things that have nothing to do with the topic at hand. Mr. Random told me that the protest events started a half-hour late because the yoga guy who was going to offer the beginning “blessing” was late. First of all, a yoga guy? Secondly, are you trying NOT to have people take you seriously? I know the movement is all about inclusiveness and all, but please . . . can’t we introduce a little rigor and professionalism into the proceedings. Are puppets REALLY effective as a protest tool? There is so much unfocused dissatisfaction out there, why can’t we have a grassroots organization that actually harnesses all of that energy into something a bit more productive and that affects real change. I don’t know what that organization would look like, but it would help if it banned the stupid puppets and drums, and just focused on getting masses of people to speak with one voice . . .

Ok, that’s enough of my ranting . . . It’s also a bit disappointing that more people weren’t there, but I believe there is a bit of protest fatigue going on, and there are thoughts of whether anyone really pays attention to those things anymore anyway. All I want is for my little sister to come home, safe and sound . . .

Wednesday will mark the 9th wedding anniversary for Mr. Random and me. I think we are going out to dinner . . .

Did everyone have good weekends? The weather was so lovely here . . .

Another Brick in the Wall

Every so often, when I’m reading the blogs of people who have children, at some point someone always brings up the fact that it would be great if schools should be in session all year round - so working parents don’t have to arrange for extra activities and child care for their children.

Every time I read that, I always think, “Were you EVER a kid? Did you forget what it’s like? Did YOU want to be in school all year long?” I mean, I barely want to work all year long, but that’s only because I have to . . . that’s the only way they’ll pay me . . .

I know that I am not a mother yet and that I may change my tune once I have little darlings of my own. But I’ve always looked at the summer as a time to not be so scheduled, a time to do lots of exploration on your own, to read whatever you want, when you want, without having to fit it in with homework and other scheduled activities. Summer is a time when you discover the joy of learning outside the classroom – where you discover that you don’t have to be guided by teachers and you can dig deep into the things in which you are most interested. Summer is a time when you learn how to be bored and learn how to use your imagination to entertain yourself.

When I was little during the summer, my mom would take me to the library once every week or so and I would just load up on all sorts of books and spend the rest of the week just plowing through each one. The summers that my mom was working, my sister and I would spend time at the babysitter’s and occasionally we’d go to the park or the waterslides. We watched a lot of TV too, as us children of the 70’s and 80’s often did, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. It was awesome to not have to worry about things being due, to stay up late, to be so unstructured! My parents didn’t have a lot of money for enrichment activities as some people do now, but I wouldn’t have traded my periods of laziness and boredom for anything.

I still think of the summertime as sacred, a time when I put a hold on volunteering and doing the eight million “should dos” that I set up for myself over the course of the year, and just do whatever strikes my fancy. I read more, I cook more, I go to a few more fun things (thus my rampant play-going) – it’s just a nice break from the usual grind in the middle of the year. Why shouldn’t we keep that alive? Why does everyone have to be on the treadmill all of the time? Why do we want our children to get used to structure and regimentation so young? There's plenty of time in your life to learn that! That’s the best thing about being a kid – your time is your own! You have the space to be bored and to think and to be creative.

Because if you have that experience of freedom under your belt, you tend to want to keep making that time for yourself . . . and you find ways to do so. Some people even get creative enough to be able to do it all year long and still earn a living that isn’t soul sucking. That’s certainly MY goal . . .

But, to get back to my original rant, I hate the idea of having school year round. I know it makes it easier for the parents, but what will it mean for the future generations of kids? We are starting to see some of the consequences of that now – kids with impressive resumes but who can barely make a move without their parents’ guidance. I want my kids to learn that you don’t have to be in school to learn – that life is your schoolroom and there is always more to see and read and do and imagine on your own.

I just feel like sometimes that message isn’t out there anymore and it’s being smothered by the need to read by the time you’re five and to know what you want to do by the time you are finished high school, so you can go to college and get a decent paying job by the time you’re 21 or 22. That life is just this straight line from pre-school to elementary school to middle school to college to the work world and then spend fifty years working until you are either lucky enough to retire for a few years or until you then get sick and die. I want there to be another message out there that there’s another way. That you may not become rich, but that life can be fun and interesting and rewarding and full of constant learning and growing . . .

At this point, I don’t know what I’m saying . . . it’s all still jumbled up in my brain. You know those rants where people build up a head of steam and then forget where they are going? Yeah, that’s what’s going on here . . .

Do you know what I’m getting at, though? I do hope so . . .

I'm No Virginia Woolf, That's for Sure

Other Random reflections:

• I’ve never watched the Sopranos. I’m always behind the curve on those sorts of things. Or rather, I hate watching overly-hyped stuff. Besides, I can always read the recaps in the paper and be just as informed without having to sit through the show.

• However, I do like some types of purposefully cheesy TV. I love “The Starter Wife” and I’m actually glad it is only 6 episodes long – kind of like a British series. It’s fun, it’s frothy, and it will be over soon.

• The Random Cat is now down to 8 pounds, which is her ideal weight! She lost 4 pounds over the course of the year. The “cat-kins” diet worked! The vet was very happy and very surprised. However, now she feels free to try to grab food directly out of your plate if you aren’t paying attention closely enough. She’s getting pretty sneaky . . .

• Thought while watching MTV today: No one should wear bright yellow stretch pants, no matter how skinny you are. They are just hideous looking. They’re YELLOW for goodness sake!

• I broke down and created a MySpace page. My sister is Iraq kept insisting I should do it, so I did it. I guess now I am fully a part of the 21^st century. It just seems like another thing I have to check and keep semi-updated, and I’m already falling down on the job with the blog here . . . and I actually LIKE doing the blog (and keeping up with you guys, of course!)

• I really want to travel somewhere this summer, but won’t be able to unless I go by myself. Mr. Random can’t take much time off this year, with grad school and the new job and all. I, on the other hand, am going stir-crazy. I feel really bad about it too, but I hate staying still. I HAVE to explore . . . for some odd reason, it is in my blood and won’t go away . . .

• Mr. Random is itching to look for a new house right now. I am too, but I don’t think we can really afford to move right now and there is much too much going on in our lives to throw another jumble of uncertainty into the pot. I would like a bigger place with a small yard and room to entertain – we can’t really invite many of our friends over now and it is killing me – but now is just not the right time. Mr. Random is calling the mortgage guy anyway to see what we possibly might be able to afford nowadays, but I’m thinking that it wouldn’t be much more than what we have right now . . . spring certainly brings house envy, though . . .

• The good thing about being at the conference for most of the week is that I didn’t have to see or read any of the Paris Hilton nonsense, although many people were commenting in disgust asking why it had to appear on the front page of the Washington Post AND on the first page of the Style section. That’s just really sad . . .

• I wish I had better hair. It’s just slightly too short to do anything fun with, and it isn’t growing fast enough. I want Beyonce hair – but then, Beyonce doesn’t even have Beyonce hair . . . I do believe that she pays good money for such nice pieces . . .

• I can’t wait to see The Tempest at the Folger Theater this week . . . yay!

• I love watching the Tony awards every year, but I’m always sad because I never get to see any of the cool plays or musicals. It takes forever for anything to come to DC, and even then it really isn’t the same show – it has an all new cast, which may or may not do it justice . . .

. . . Just wanted to share my random thoughts today – feel free to share your own!

Out of Breath

It has been a long, hard week. My Random Mom-in-law is still here, and we have spent every day since Friday out and about, trying to get in lots of sightseeing. It has not been very successful . . .

If you remember the last time she was here in town, it was that week in August that was the hottest, most humid week of the year. Random Mom-in-law was having a lot of trouble walking around and we all blamed it on the stifling heat and humidity (coupled with her non-stop smoking, but you know . . .)

Ever since then, she vowed to come back when the weather was a bit nicer. In the interim, she told us that she was starting to walk around a bit more at home and get more exercise . . .

Well, it seems that that was not entirely the case. She still smokes a great deal, about once every 50 minutes or so and whenever we leave a building or step out of a car. And she is not able to walk more than 20 feet without getting winded, even less if there is a slight incline. Since DC is a very walking oriented place, it rather limited our options on what we could see and how long we could stay. For example, yesterday we went to the National Cathedral and she looked like she was about to have a heart attack just walking the block towards the building. She was heavily breathing the whole 45 minutes we were there, and we were only able to visit the main floor and the gift shop – she was so worn out that we could not tour the rest of the building – before trudging back to the car to go to an early dinner. We had planned to visit another favorite haunt of ours, but she simply could not take much more walking and we had to go home.

It pains both Mr. Random and I to see this. We are both very concerned about her health. She is quite overweight, drinks a lot of white wine in the evenings and has a very nasty cough. It was quite a contrast when we went to visit my parents over the weekend – they are only a few years younger than she is – and seeing how vigorous and active they are compared to what she could do. Since she retired last spring, she stays mostly at home and is not interested in doing very much. She has very few friends outside of her old job . . .

We have tried to hint that she might like to move out here, where there is so much to do and a large social scene of people her age and with her background. There are many research opportunities here . . . and she would be a lot closer to her son and daughter-in-law. We are so afraid that she is not taking care of herself at all. Mr. Random’s sister still lives at home with their mom, but she does not seem to help the situation – for reasons I can’t go into right now . . .

I feel horrible because I want to be a good daughter-in-law and make sure she is happy, but I just get so . . . annoyed and impatient . . . with her in the condo, her presence looming and inert. I’m kind of an active girl, so not being able to go out and see very much drives me bats. Hanging out at the condo drives me bats too, because I can’t just hang out in my pajamas and read in a corner somewhere – I have to entertain, or at least not seem like I’m ignoring our guest. I was incredibly sick yesterday and wanted to stay home and sleep, but Mr. Random didn’t want to be on his own with his mom. I’m still not feeling well today, so he owes me big time when this is over . . .

I’m at work today and the weather seems nice, so things should be looking up for the rest of this week. I am resolved to try to salvage what I can out of this visit and try to make it a bit more positive, now that I have gotten my unhappiness off of my chest. Random Mom-in-law really is a cool person and I should try to focus more on what she can do, than what she can’t. Wish me luck for the rest of the week, and I’ll try to post more upbeat things later . . .

“It’s Bring Your Personal Demons to Work Day”

Isn’t that every day? (I do love my little New Yorker calendar – it reflects my sad brand of humor so well!)

For some reason I’ve been in a very annoyed mood at the Random Non-profit lately. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m tired and need a long vacation (which is true), if it’s because we are still rehashing the same discussions that we’ve been having for the 5 years I’ve been here (which is true), or if it’s because our workload keeps increasing with no end in sight or with acknowledgement that we are all having a hard time . . .

Layoffs suck. They suck for those laid off and they suck for those left behind. It doesn’t matter how hard you work, how loyal you are or how well you do your job – all that means nothing to the managers when it comes down to dollars and cents. That’s the reality of being in the workforce today and I’m not sure how well all of us are adapting to that reality. I’m trying to, but it is not very easy . . .

I am taking Monday off, but I’ll have to run a few errands and start getting ready for Thursday – that’s when Mr. Random’s Mom will come into town. We have a few things tentatively planned to do while she is here and the weather should be much better than when she was here in August. We will probably take her to the National Cathedral, the Folger Shakespeare Library, and the campus of Mr. Random’s grad school. We are also going to try to find her a few events to go to – luckily DC is a mecca for free lectures and discussions . . .

I just got an e-mail from my sister, who is about to leave Kuwait and head on over to Baghdad. She said she was a bit nervous about the flight into Iraq because of what they’ve been hearing – and they have to fly in wearing all of their armor. Please send as many happy vibes my sister’s way as you can! There is nothing I can do to help besides be encouraging and supportive, I know, but I am not going to be able to sleep well until she is back home – hopefully, just a year from now . . .

Tonight Mr. Random and I are going to the Good Friday service at our church. There won’t be many other choir members there, which petrifies me – I hate being the only person singing my part. I don’t want my voice to stand out, I just want it to blend in with everyone else. I do hope this service is not a repeat of last year’s service when they made everyone walk up, one-by-one, and hammer big long nails into a symbolic log cross. Can you say creepy and sick-sounding? Yes, I get the symbolism, but you know it makes me yearn for the relatively reserved nature of a Catholic mass . . .

I am loving that the weather is back to being cooler – I’m not quite ready to get rid of my sweaters and layers just yet . . .

OK, now that I have shared my personal demons for the day, I hope that everyone has a great weekend. Enjoy some jelly beans, marshmallow chicks, crème eggs and chocolate bunnies on me!

Do You Hear What I Hear . . .

Say hello to Gertrude.

She is the “new” camera I bought on Sunday at a flea market. She was the object of my drooling last week and, as it turned out that she was available for an incredibly cheap price, I snatched her up as quick as I could.

She is a Kodak Duaflex IV, vintage 1950’s. She takes 620 film, which is slightly smaller than 120 film and a bit more expensive. However, the film is still being made, which means that I will still be able to use her to take pictures, but not very often.

Her lenses are in fantastic condition – I just need to take some lens cleaner and a cotton-tip and do some detailing work to clean it up a bit. The really cool part is the viewfinder on the top of the camera, which you can’t see because the little hatch is down.

Even if I don’t use her she is still a great find, and I will gladly display her – she has such a great old-time vibe about her. I love old, film cameras . . . maybe sometime soon, I’ll get a brownie and a pinhole to complete the collection . . .

In other news, Mr. Random is all freaked out about his final assignments for class that are due on Saturday. We have some other stuff going on at the Random Non-Profit that is adding to his workload, and which is not helping his stress at all. I’m doing what I can, being as much moral support as I can be, but also staying out of the way as he needs to get stuff done. I have plenty of my own work to occupy me, so I just stress out in my own little corner . . .

Happy news! Mr. Random and I finally did get tickets to a concert at the National Cathedral this weekend, and I am extremely excited. I can’t wait to hear the acoustics in that building . . .

Major boos to the Washington, DC radio market! The much beloved WGMS classical radio station is going off the air soon, despite that fact that it was a very highly rated station (which is rare). Mr. Random and I actually listen to that station both before going to bed and getting up in the morning, and I listen quite a bit at work. I’m fairly ticked off that a quality station is getting the boot so that they can put on more sports talk and ‘Skins games. It sucks that there is nothing we can do about it – and it annoys me that we are always told to go on the internet or get satellite radio. First off, I don’t want to sit in front of the computer, or have the computer on, all freaking day. Second, I don’t want to have to cough up more bucks just to listen to the radio. . .

Yes, I know . . . I’m a total anachronism. I love old cameras and books and print newspapers and black and white films and classical music. I always hoped to share some of these things with my future children, the way my family shared them with me.

I remember being a little girl in Philly and on Sunday afternoons my parents listened to a radio station that played Big Band music and old standards most of the day. My parents were way into the Disco and the R&B and the Top 40, but they also exposed my sister and I to other music like that through the radio, since we couldn’t afford to go to any concerts and stuff. (We also watched a lot of Lawrence Welk and Hee Haw – yes, we were weird kids . . .) I was exposed to classical music through being in choir and concert band and school field trips (oh, and Bugs Bunny cartoons . . .), and then finding music on the radio expanded my knowledge a bit more.

Yes, I know you can find all of this stuff on the computer now – but it’s not the same. Everything is so fragmented now, so “you have to pay extra” to get something different or hunt through a bunch of stuff to find what you like. I know things were never simple, but they just seem to be made so much harder now . . .

. . . wait . . . I’m not saying this right . . . what am I saying? It’s hard for me to say what’s in my heart sometimes . . .

Yes, there are more choices out there. Yes, you can find whatever kind of music you want now, all you have to do is search for it on the internet. But you have to know what you are looking for first . . . and sometimes, you don’t know what that is . . .

Wait. That doesn’t make sense either. What am I trying to say? . . .

Maybe I’m just raging against the dying of the light. Maybe I feel like a lot of things that have given me comfort are being taken away, or changing too quickly for me to deal with. So much is happening – so much change in our own lifetimes – I just want some things to stay constant, that I can count on to be there tomorrow, next week, next year . . .

It’s more than just some stupid radio station . . . I think it just makes me more aware that I am getting older, and time will not stop for me. That I will become one of those old people railing about the loss of traditions, of those things that they enjoyed and clung to in the prime of their lives. A new generation is here who totally doesn’t care – the future is cool and bright and now . . .

I care. And I guess I am being left behind too . . .