Let the Sunshine In!

(I watched the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin on Saturday, so this song has been stuck in my head . . .)

I took this week off from work, trying to decompress after my final exam. It turns out I ended up with an A- in the class, which I consider a miracle. I was not unhappy with the way the final went, which is always a good sign, and I think I figured out what the professor wanted for the final paper. For my previous paper, I gave too much background and explanation for his taste, which upon further thought made sense, but at the time greatly upset me because I tend to be a very bare bones kind of writer. I’m used to writing and thinking in Economics terms and not in Psychology terms – and they are definitely two different ways of thinking. Which is rather funny, because the whole field of Behavioral Economics is reinventing the wheel in terms of studying how people act and react to specific situations, while Social Psychology already has studied a lot of these same topics? I guess the Econ people don’t want anything to do with the Psych people, which makes *no* sense at all to me . . .

Anyway, this was my week off. The goal was to give my brain a rest. Of course, it has poured down rain the entire week, except for today. We had a leak in our bathroom ceiling, so we had to be home for the roofers to investigate. I checked my work e-mail each morning, just to make sure nothing funky happened that might have fallen under my purview. We had trouble with our car, which was another irritant. I could not wind down properly until . . . well, today. I feel like the whole week was just a warm up to an actual vacation, but one that won’t happen. I’m rested enough to get some rest, if you know what I mean. I have stacks of books to read, but have had no sense of concentration until now.

I go back to work on Monday and dread it terribly. So much to do: much of it I’ve done before. Things happen in cycles and sometimes dealing with the same cycles over and over again gets tiring.

I hope to get new running shoes soon so I can get back into running. I feel like I’ve gained 10 pounds over the course of the winter. My clothes still fit, but I definitely could look better in them. Besides, I need to work off some of this stress that’s been building and I also need to stop making myself feel better with bags of chip-like substances.

Summer is a time to think positively. I probably won’t be able to go on vacation, but hopefully there will be a few day trips in the future. My Army sister is now firmly settled in the Boston area and I look forward to visiting her at some point. (LOVE Boston!)

I haven’t been to any plays lately and I’m getting antsy. There are a couple of contemporary playwrights being showcased this summer, so maybe I can see one of those. The Fringe Festival is coming up in July and that is usually the highlight of my year. I need to start making plans for the Fall and determine what my next steps are.

So much going on! So little time!

To end, I should probably share a little bit of what I’ve been reading lately. I’ve been horrible at keeping up with everyone’s blogs, but I have attempting to read blogs and websites that relate to my studies in some way, to keep up on what’s going on in the world and in my chosen field.

Baseline Scenario (http://baselinescenario.com/) – If you want to follow the financial crisis, this is the one blog you should be reading. Simon Johnson has been *everywhere* - even on The Daily Show – and he is one of the most straightforward, knowledgeable and personable economic communicators I’ve ever seen. My dream is to do what he does, albeit on a smaller scale. I’m totally a groupie for him!

Understanding Society (http://understandingsociety.blogspot.com/) – This is an amazing blog on the social sciences, and I must admit I don’t keep up with it as much as I should because each post has leaves one with so much to think about . . . it’s not something you can scan quickly. Very worth the time.

The Fluent Self (http://www.fluentself.com/blog/) – I love this blog. It makes me realize that I need to be gentler to myself, and what that actually means day-to-day. It is helping me work through a lot of my “stuck” issues, although I have a long way to go.

That’s me for today. I am cheerfully waving to you all!

Let's Go Down to the River

Today, at the church I attend, the pastor discussed baptism as the theme of this week. As part of the service, he showed a scene from "O Brother, Where Art Thou" where the three guys come upon the scene of a mass baptism and one of the gentlemen runs down to the river to be saved.

That scene has one of the most beautiful songs that I know of, Down in the River to Pray, which is sung by one of my favorite performers, Allison Krauss.

Here is a BBC video overlaid with her singing. It is very peaceful . . .



There was a video of her singing the song live with Robert Plant, but that version seems to have been filmed by someone in the 30th row of the concert hall, with people walking back and forth in front of the lens and other people screaming "WOOOOO!" at very inconvenient points . . .

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekends!

Happy New Year!

Welcome to 2009, everyone! I know we are all thankful that 2008 is finally over and are looking forward to all of the opportunities that this new year will bring to us. I know that I certainly am . . .

I wasn’t going to have any resolutions for this year and just try to see how things unfold, but when I think about it further there are a few goals that I have for this year:

• Continue to see plays
• Continue to be adventurous
• Use my passport at least once – whether it is for a quick weekend in a Canadian city or to finally make it to London
• Continue to have a sense of humor about what life throws at me
• Continue taking college classes
• Continue to spend time with people I care about
• Find ways to best use my talents and gifts to help others

In other words, I’d like to continue on the path I’ve started and see where it leads. Even though I’ve been super busy this year, there are many experiences that I can point to that I am very proud to have had. I do want to try to write more on the blog this year, and I will do my best, but I’m hoping that will become a natural function of things that are already going on in my life.

Notice that I didn’t say “lose weight” or “find a new job” or anything that specific. I’m just hoping that finding my own groove will make me improve in other areas.

I’m wishing that everyone finds their own “groove” this year! I’m looking forward to hearing more about your experiences and thoughts and also sharing my own with you all. Happy 2009!

Passing the Peace

So, I haven’t been blogging for a while. This is for a number of unintentional reasons, but one of the main reasons is that things got super busy, a lot more “life drama” things happened, some new things got super shiny and distracting, plus all of the usual “starting-up-of-classes-and-getting-my-schedule-figured-out” fun.

OK, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest . . .

One of the things going on is that the church I sing in the choir for is going through a lot of heavy duty transition at the moment. We’re looking for a new pastor, going through a discernment/search process (which I’m on the committees for), and recently had people in our top three leadership positions step down simultaneously. (All for different reasons and none of them knew that the others were doing it.) There’re lots of emotions going on at the church. We are a small, tight-knit congregation, so everyone is rather burnt out and not really up to taking on more tasks. It is a very difficult situation.

One of the good things about our church *is* that it is so small that people really care about each other and treat each other like family. At every service, there is the usual moment towards the beginning of “passing the peace,” where in normal churches you just turn to your neighbor and shake their hand and say “peace be with you.” At our church, we don’t just stay in the pews, we walk clear across the sanctuary, hugging everyone and saying hi to each other. It’s one of the best things that our church does, though it does tend to put newcomers off a bit. For those who get what’s going on, they usually end up coming back. To have a moment where you’re feeling accepted and everyone is welcoming and smiling, is just the thing to get communal good feelings brewing.

So this post is my passing of the peace to you all. It’s me saying that I’m very glad you all are still here and reading. I know we are all going through a lot of stuff, internally and externally, but know that I appreciate every comment and I am reading your blogs and of thinking of you all too.

Peace be with you all today!

2008 Fringe Festival Experience – Part 4, 5 and 6

Subtle as a Brick to the Head: Ball and Chain – Journeymen Theater Ensemble

J and I went to this one last Wednesday night. It had been threatening rain that evening, but I had incorrectly surmised that it probably wouldn’t start until much later. I was terribly wrong – it poured down rain right before the show and I only had a scraggly little cheap umbrella to protect me from the elements. The rainstorm turned out to be the most dramatic part of the evening.

Ball and Chain consisted of five very short one act plays, all focusing on the subjects of love, marriage and relationships. I had high hopes for the evening because I had seen this company’s performance of Bartleby (from the Melville story) during the first Fringe festival and was quite impressed with what the scrappy group could do. Going into this year’s Fringe, they were coming off of a well-regarded season and I was rather excited to get to see them for cheap.

There were only two actors in this evening’s offerings, and after each short play they would move the sparse props around to set up for the next scene. The segments weren’t well written, and they weren’t very deep and so I was very disappointed. Luckily the whole thing lasted less than an hour, but afterwards I wished I had made another performance choice with my scarce dollars.

Written by a Hill Rat for Hill Rats: McSwiggin’s Pub – One Man Show

Mr. Random picked out this show for us to see together on Thursday. The guy who put together this one man show had worked with Second City for a while, but eventually got a job working on Capitol Hill. So most of the show consisted of a lot of Hill in-jokes which were really funny, but unless you knew that world – or watch a lot of C-SPAN – you would have sat there wondering what everyone else was laughing about. For example, you needed to know that a “Senior Legislative Correspondent” for a Congressman means just a step above “intern” and is a lot more gopher and glorified receptionist than anything. You also had to be able to recognize a dead-on Barney Frank impersonation. A lot of insider type stuff.

There actually were some tourists in the audience, which was awesome to see folks doing something so daring – especially since this venue was in a back alley in Dupont Circle, in a tiny artist’s studio. But a lot of the time they seemed confused by what people were laughing at, and I felt kind of bad. The show was really entertaining, but I would only recommend it for hardcore Hill folks and the people who love them.

Subtle as a Brick to the Head - Part 2: One for the Road – written by Harold Pinter

Sunday was the last day of the Fringe Festival, and I ended it by going to see this rendition of Harold Pinter’s One for the Road. This play was supposed to be a commentary on state-sponsored torture. The acting was amazing – the room was freezing, but one actor was able work up a major sweat during an interrogation scene – but all you took away from the play was . . . yes, torture is bad. Evil people are evil. Innocent people get hurt. But, um, we already knew that, and it didn’t have any nuance or complexity. Is all of Pinter’s work like that, I wonder?

2008 Fringe Festival - Final Summary

Thus ended my Fringe experience for this year. So I saw two excellent plays, one “OK, but fun” play and two uninspiring plays. I am glad that I got to see so many, but bummed that I was not able to see more. I didn’t get to see any “train wreck” plays like last year, when one guy didn’t even bother to put on a play but talked to the audience for 20 minutes explaining why the play wouldn’t work. There are also a lot more wacky, weirdo works that it would have been nice to experience, such as cabaret shows and more experimental/experiential plays. I’m just going to have to save up my money to buy an All Access Pass for next year!

Thanks for humoring my amateur theater reviews, everyone! The 2008-2009 theater season starts up in September, when I look forward to seeing a new set of Shakespeare plays. Hope you all are having a wonderful and exciting summer!

2008 Fringe Festival Experience – Part 2

Let’s Put On a Show . . . or Not

Last night, my friend J and I went to a Fringe Festival “Fireside Chat” on How to Put on Your Own 60 Minute Show.

It’s been an idea that J has been mulling around for a while, so we went last night to see sow doable the idea is. I’ve always had a hankering to be a producer/do behind-the-scenes stuff, so I thought it would be fun.

The event was a panel discussion among three people who have done shows at the DC Fringe, past and present, and they gave the audience advice from what they learned through the past few years. On the producing side, it didn’t really tell me anything I didn’t really know – that you need to run a production like a small business and think ahead. The main key is to have a quality product – the creative, the actual show –you are supremely proud of and are certain you can sell . . . all you need to do is find an audience.

One of the speakers was kind of swarmy/sleezy, and talked a lot about how successful he is and how he’s able to do a national tour of festivals. Not that his advice wasn’t good, it’s just that the vessel kind of turned off the message.

It was a valuable experience and I’m glad I went, but I don’t think we have the time or energy to start working on something like that anytime soon. The first problem is that we don’t even have a show yet, or even a fully formed idea of one. Then once you do have one, it needs to be developed until it’s something you are ready to show people. THEN, and only then, are you ready to do the work of promotion and logistics and budgets.

It’s slightly disappointing, but when the time is right, it will be right. I did take good notes, so I’ll just file them away until they are needed . . .

And . . . We're Back

Happy Spring, Everyone!

Oops. More than a week has passed since I last blogged and at LOT has been going on around here. Saw a play, saw a movie, went to some meetings, did some schoolwork and did a lot of freaking out with more to come.

I've got summaries and pictures and stuff to post, which I should do in the next day or two. Today is going to be crazy busy with Easter Services, visiting a friend's family to celebrate a birthday and then quickly scooting down to my parents' house for Easter Dinner where my grandma and youngest sister will be in attendance.

So I'm off to start another action packed day. I'm waving and wishing a happy Spring to you all!

Coming in Like a Lion

It’s March – woo hoo! Mr. Random’s birthday is this month and I have no idea what to get him that would be special. I have some things in mind but because he’s going to be graduating in May, I want to save really nice gifts for then. We may just go have a nice dinner somewhere and call it a day for now . . .

I have a Georgia O’Keefe calendar by my desk. The month of March has a beautiful picture of two bright yellow flowers on a gray/white background, which is very cheery and uplifting to me. I need all the cheer I can get!

The next few days are going to be in the 60s here in Northern Virginia, which is kind of a waste when you think about it since I am going to be stuck at work and in meetings all day. I’m going to try to sneak outside to get some lunch and hope I can get enough healing sunshine from that . . .

I had a very enjoyable weekend: On Saturday I saw the movie, Chicago Ten, and on Sunday I saw the Ibsen play, Hedda Gabler. A bit of running around, but it always makes me so happy to have activities to go to and new things to experience on the weekends. The play was rather cheap, since it is a small local acting company who will soon have to find new digs other than the abandoned warehouse that is currently its home.

When I was out yesterday, I was sitting in a coffee shop where they had local artists’ work on the wall for display and sale. Looking at the works made me want to start taking photos again and think of ways maybe I could sell a few of them at an art show or two. I have a photo printer now and there are a few pictures that are interesting enough that people might want to buy. I have a feeling that it would be an expensive project to undertake, so I’ll just keep mulling it over for the time being . . .

OK, to change gears for a moment, my newest thing is for the month of March to cut out a lot of dairy, soy and grains in my diet. Now I’m usually not one of those diet freaks who follows whatever trend is going around – I’m more of the “eat less, eat healthier, exercise more” school of living. However, I’ve notices that in the past several months, whenever I eat or drink certain things I feel horrible and sluggish afterwards. I’ve been trying to reduce the amount of starches that I eat, but after reading an article in Health magazine I thought I would try this for a month and see what happens, and then start adding them back into my diet sparingly. This also will help my goal of eating more fruits and veggies and not get as filled up on rices and pastas, as can easily happen with a lot of stuff that Mr. Random and I usually eat. I’m also learning to size portions a bit better and not try to eat mounds of nut and berry mix as a snack – a handful should suffice at a time.

This is the week before Spring Break - for both college and the ESL program – but I’m not going to get much rest or time off at this point because of work. It would be a great opportunity to take a week and get caught up on all sorts of reading and get a bit ahead in some other things, but alas, that is not going to happen. Bummer.

Well, this has been a crappy blog post, but I wanted to pop in and say hi, I’m alive and kicking around, just not visiting very much. Sending much love to all . . .

A Random Moment of Clarity

There are many days that I do write something for the blog, but don’t post because my thoughts are usually half-finished – for example, I think about something and start writing and then I get sucked into something that takes me away from writing and when I come back my entire train of thought is gone. And once that “train has left the station,” it’s really difficult for me to finish. Then I say “Oh, well” and delete what I’ve written. Usually, later in the evening, I’ve regretted doing that because at least at some point I had SOMETHING on paper – a half-formed thought that I could have probably taken up again at some later date. But even when I do save it, the day never comes that I do revisit the writing and so the file just sits there, taunting me because I can’t quite build up the full head of steam that drove me to start barfing my words onto the page in the first place. (Gee, isn’t *that* a lovely image . . .)

A post on Writer’s Block on the EconLog made me think of this.

This one comment struck me:

It's been a long time since I had that kind of problem. I stopped having writer's block when I learned that writer's block comes about because you're afraid of finishing the work, meaning you have to stand behind what you've written.

Sometimes you have to mull things over, though. You will note on my blog that I write something every day. Sometimes it's very short, though. Other times it's quite long. And that's on top of the other work I do off the blog every day. The habit of writing every day can keep the words flowing. Sometimes you have to accept that you are just going to write a bunch of garbage today. That's fine. Sometimes you have to write a bunch of garbage to get the one gem, the one line that you can use. Sometimes you have to write very long bridges between ideas and then go back and get rid of all the garbage. The important thing is that you don't think that everything you write is a wonderful gem (it's not, and you know deep down that it's not, and the fear that it's not will also cause the problem you described).

In other words, when you let fear drop away and recognize that much of what you write is scaffolding that you need to tear down when you're done, your writer's block will end.

I just realized – right now I’m suffering not just from writer’s block, but *life block*. There is a lot of fear here coupled with displeasure with my current job situation that forms a bit of paralysis on my part. I hate being a whiner and a complainer. I am a fairly optimistic person at heart; otherwise I wouldn’t throw myself into my community and my new studies with such abandon. But now, in the process of making a change, I have to wade through a lot of garbage and create a lot of garbage as I try to figure out who I am and what I want to be.

So I have to accept the garbage and realize that it isn’t ALL garbage. There are some real truths to be found in what I’m doing and I have to be open to the full range of experiences – good and bad – that I’m dealing with. And if I have a half-thought or a half-feeling, I need to put it down and keep it filed away in my brain, because by returning to it again and again and trying to make sense of it, one day a fully-formed thought might actually come through. And – Surprise! Surprise! – It might just be the gem I’m looking for . . .

A Foggy Day in a Virginia Town

This morning, I look outside my window and all I see is a white/gray cloud of fog. No trees, no buildings, just a white/gray cloud that seems to go on forever and ever. The whole day is gray. It could be quite a downer if I let it, but I’m trying not to let it.

Have I said how happy I am to be going back to teaching? On Tuesday night, I volunteered to help with registration and placement testing for the ESL classes and the whole thing was just so energizing to me. I had the opportunity to talk to amazing people from Chile, Venezuela, Ghana, Honduras. I love hearing their stories of where they grew up and what they did in their home country and why they are here. We get a lot of people who work for their home country’s embassies or military and are stationed here for a while and they want to improve their English while they are here. These are people who have been here 2 months, 6 months, speaking better English than I could ever speak Spanish after being in a strange country for 6 months. I also talk to others who are not so well off, people who left their children behind with relatives to come to this country and try to make some money so their kids can have a better life. I am humbled in their presence and I want to teach everyone as best I can.

It has been a long week, but next week classes begin again and my life will get much, much busier. I think I like being busier – I feel like I’m out in the world DOING things – and just being a home after a full day at work is just . . . depressing in a way. I’ve certainly got enough sleep these past few weeks, that’s for sure.

So tomorrow will be a day of art for me and of grad school class for Mr. Random, Sunday will be a day with my grandmother out in the Boonies, and then next week the fun begins in earnest.

I will take a deep breath . . . then dig in.

Winding Down / Gearing Up

We can close the books on 2007, and I am so glad that it is finally over. It seems that most folks are using this as a time of introspection, to recount all that has happened in the past year and to try to make sense of what has happened. On reflection, though, I believe that a lot of what happened in the past year has made no sense at all.

Oh, wait – let me rephrase that:

What happened this past year has made sense to all of those who set the wheels in motion for the larger events, and as a person affected by those events I can muster an appreciation for the thought processes in other people’s minds that went into their decisions. I also know that I can choose how I react to these events and in doing so help set the stage for positive or negative personal outcomes. I am the captain of my fate and the master of my soul, you know . . .

Dealing with these events caused me a lot of stress and worrying. I have to learn how to not let things get to me so much, while at the same time acknowledging that my propensity for wanting to take care of the world is part of what makes me the unique individual that I am. I love volunteer teaching, I love doing things for other people, I love trying to affect change in my little corner of the world. So I know that on some level, I will always be a bit stressed out and emotional.

On one of the other blogs I read, the writer said that for the next year she should remember to be mindful:

“Instead, my goal for the coming year is mindfulness - to be mindful of what I'm doing when I'm doing it, and to ask myself if it's really what I want or need to be doing right then. . . . I'm thinking that right now, my biggest problem is not doing or failing to do any specific things, but just not thinking about what I'm doing at all.”

I think that it is a pretty admirable goal. I do think that my problem is that I tend to OVERTHINK things, but in being mindful I should think about how what I am about to do relates to what *I* ACTUALLY want as opposed to what I think other people would think I should want. There IS a difference and only in the last few months have I started to really think about what I am doing and who I am trying to make happy and why . . .

My main goals this year are to get farther in my schooling, see more plays, take more pictures, have more excursions, be a better teacher, and generally try to enjoy myself. If I feel happier in general, everything else should follow. If I am enjoying myself, I will feel better about myself. If I feel better about myself, I will feel more confident in other areas and hopefully some other successes will come from that. I will be less of a miserable, moody person and be able to have more positive interactions with family, friends and co-workers.

As regards to my work situation, I will take it one day at a time. I will try to maintain my current schedule and keep my eye out for other interesting opportunities to get involved in that may be a better fit for me at this time of my life. This year has proved that working my tail off for the Random Non-profit will not net me any professional gains or martyr points, so I only need to do what is needed to be done each day in the time allotted and then let the rest go.

As for the blog . . . well, I’m always lamenting my crappy posting and writing here . . . and so I resolve to do much more of it in 2008! I will no longer beat myself up about it because – Hey! – the title of my blog says it’s OK . . .

“A snapshot is popularly defined as a photograph that is "shot" spontaneously and quickly, most often without artistic or journalistic intent. Snapshots are commonly considered to be technically "imperfect" or amateurish--out of focus or poorly framed or composed. Common snapshot subjects include the events of everyday life, such as birthday parties and other celebrations, sunsets, children playing, and the like.”

My blog is a snapshot of what I am thinking or feeling at a given point. It is usually dashed off in an odd moment, usually with some forethought but little time. But the cool thing about snapshots is that they document moments in time that existed and will never again. Some are gems and some are not, but they are all out there. And what one person may consider “amateurish,” another person may consider art . . . so I’ll keep going, doing as best I can to document the randomness which is my life and share it with you all . . .

******

OK, now I am a bit more optimistic and excited about the New Year. I really wasn’t when I started writing this morning, but putting words on the page has helped me focus and realize that continuing to look forward is the best course of action for me. Whatever happens, happens.

Happy New Year, Everyone! May your 2008 be full of adventure and discovery and happiness!

Random Blog Post of Note

This post at Scrivener’s talks about one of the most beautiful and meaningful Solstice observances that I’d ever heard about. Like many of us, he and his family are going through a rough time of transitions and I think this ceremony would give many of us meaningful space for thought and reflection. Also, his Unitarian Church sounds like it is just awesome . . . the Random Church could probably learn a lot from it . . .

. . . Anyway, December is a month of observances for a number of reasons and I hope that whatever you celebrate, you know I wish everyone a healthy and happy New Year. I will continue to cling to the hope that 2008 is going to be a wonderful year for ALL of us!

. . . And I send a special shout-out to Virginia Gal, Mommanator and CS for being such cool, faithful readers this past year. Just knowing you are all out there has been such a comfort for me and I really appreciate your support as we all work through our lives.

Much love to you all!

A Note to a Newborn Girl

A friend of mine is about to give birth to her first child. Her and her husband asked all of their friends to write little letters to the soon-to-be-arriving little girl on how to be a confident, well-rounded, young woman. These letters will be assembled into a scrapbook, which will be held until the girl is a bit older.

I was having a bit of trouble with the assignment, since I'm not exactly a poster-child for well-adjusted-ness, but I thought I would share what I wrote . . .

If anyone has any other advice to add, please feel free to do so in the comments!

****

Dear [Baby Girl]

First, I want to say that you are very lucky to have two of the most awesome parents in the world! They love you very, very much. You may not realize how much now, but you will when you get much older. There may be a lot of bad things going on in the world at the moment, but there are also a lot of amazingly wonderful things going on too, and your parents will help lead you on that journey.

Your parents asked many of us to write a little note to you before you were born on how to be a confident, well-rounded, young woman. At first, I did not know what to write because it took me a REALLY long time to figure that out myself . . . and in many ways I am still learning how, even after 37 years on this earth.

So my words may be a bit of a cliché, and have probably been written by many other people, but I learned them the hard way and sometimes the oldest words are the truest . . .

Be open.

Always be open to learning. Read EVERYTHING you can get your hands on. Travel. Learn about other cultures and religions. Be a sponge. Find out how things work. Know how to fix things by yourself (or know where to take them to be fixed.) Talk to cool people. Ask lots of questions. More information is always better than less. The world becomes a wonderful and interesting and fascinating place when you do that, you will very rarely be bored, and you will always have fascinating stories to tell.

Be yourself.

You are a unique individual. You will grow up to like certain things that other people may not. You will not like other things that other people do. That’s OK. Don’t do something just to fit in if you don’t like it, even though it may seem easier at the time, because it will make you miserable. People will love you for just who you are, and if they don’t . . . that’s OK too. It is always better to have one or two REAL and TRUE friends, than have lots of people that you call friends who don’t care as much about the real you.

Be a friend.

Like people for who they are, not who you want them to be. Care about other people and their situations. Be generous with your smiles and your kindness – you never know when someone who is having a horrible day may take comfort in your small little act. Sometimes people are happy and want other people to share in their joy. Be happy with them. Sometimes people are scared and lonely and need someone to listen to them. Be a friendly ear (. . . but within reason. Your Mom and Dad can talk to you about that . . .) Know how to refer people to get more help when they need it. Be the kind of friend that you would want people to be for you, but also don’t expect people to always be a good friend back. Unfortunately, that happens sometimes, but most of the time people will surprise you with their generosity.

Be one with your common sense and intuition . . . Don’t take crap from anyone!

Sometimes a voice inside of you will tell you that something doesn’t seem right, that you should be wary of a situation. Listen to that voice. Don’t let anyone try to talk you out of it. You should always be able to walk away and take time to think about things if you are uncomfortable. Seriously! No one should pressure you into ANYTHING on the spot. Good intentioned people will always understand and let you have that space to decide on your own. Not very nice people often will try to rush you to do what they want. If you are uncertain, ask your parents or a trusted adult to help you decide. Even if they don’t have the answers, they can help you talk through things and think about things a bit better. Then, once you’ve thought about things and made a decision, people should respect that decision. They may not like it, but they should respect it.

That is my advice to you, my dear. It may not be the best advice, but it is what I have for now.

It is given with much love and affection from my heart and soul. Welcome to the world, young woman!

Sincerely,
Random Kath

Momma Needed A New Pair of Shoes

[Girly post alert: The below post contains a discussion about shoes. If you aren’t into that sort of thing, you can just read the first two paragraphs and consider yourself done. I promise it won’t hurt my feelings!]

So my exams are over now. One I know I did pretty well with, the other one . . . well, not as well. For the second exam, my brain just sort of gave out on me, and afterwards I was kicking myself for missing obvious things. I don’t know if it was because one exam was at 7:30 to 9:30 in the evening and the other was at 9:30 in the morning – I didn’t have enough “refresher time” for the second one, I guess. Plus, I had worked myself into a tizzy about both exams so I was bound to psych myself out on one of them. It kind of sucked that they were scheduled one right after another, and it’s going to happen that way for the final too, so I’m going to have to figure out an efficient way to handle studying for both at the same time . . .

So, being despondent when I left my exam today, I thought it would be a fine time to go look for some new pairs of boots. I usually wear my boots and shoes into the ground (I hate shoe shopping!) so I definitely feel the need for a couple of pairs of dress boots before the true cold weather sets in.

I went to a semi-famous shoe outlet and was rather disappointed in both the short and tall boot selections. Either the heels were too tall and I could see myself (a) tripping and falling a lot or (b) looking like I should stand on 14^th street, or the heels were too low and the boots looked pretty dumpy. I’m pretty short, but I’m also pretty picky and I don’t feel the need to add another 4 or 5 inches to my height. It is also a terrible time finding shoes in my size – usually my size is snapped up pretty quickly. I also have the problem of wearing one size for one type of shoe and another size for another type of shoe, so I really have to try EVERYTHING on and walk around in them – no “off the rack” shoes for me!

Feeling even more grumpy, I moved around the store to look at other stuff and then these two pairs of shoes caught my eye. They were actually sitting right across from each other and seemed to call out my name.

I was very excited to see the Mary Janes – They are black suede with patent leather trim. I have a very, very old pair that are black suede that I bought about 7 years ago and I could never find a pair in that style to replace them. I have been still wearing the old pair, even though a lot of the suede has rubbed off – see, I told you I wear shoes to death!

The other pair are black leather oxfords – I’d been looking for a nice, normal looking pair for a while to wear with suits and dress pants. They were not too high and not too big or small.

And both pairs had sizes available that actually fit me. Yay!

So while the day started off pretty lousy, I now have two nice pairs of shoes which I can wear into the ground until this time next year. Retail therapy is a good thing sometimes . . .

Looking for a Clean Slate

By the way, I’ve reached the point where I’d like to throw out everything currently in the Random Condo and start over from scratch. At this point I would keep all of the bookcases, most of our books and our clothes, but everything else would go into the bin. Maybe I’d keep a few plates and glasses and some silverware too.

I think I’m holding on to too much stuff, I think. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to dig through everything and Mr. Random is as big of a packrat as I am. It is also a pain to have to go through and make sure that some stuff doesn’t need to be shredded instead.

I’m really in the mood for a clean slate. A new start. I’m carrying much too much baggage at this point to transition very well. It’s hard to start fresh when you are still mired in your old stuff – whether a job you don’t like, a house you aren’t happy with, etc.

I’ve always loved the Fall because of those qualities – the year starts anew! During the summer you rest up and then the Fall comes with a lots of possibilities to start over. This summer was not very restful at all. Not as much reading was done as I had hoped. Not as much fun was had. I don’t know what that means . . . maybe this is just going to be a hard year for me and next year will be so much better. That thought does give me some cheer . . .

Random Important Life Announcement

As you may or may not know, all spring and summer I have been agonizing over a decision that I had to make. I have been agonizing over this decision for years, but finally this year it came to a head, where I felt like if I was going to do this now would be the time . . . because there would never really be a good time for it . . .

So ladies and gentlemen, beginning next week, I will be returning to school on a part time basis to finish my undergraduate degree. I hope to study Economics and eventually set myself up to get a Master’s degree in Public Policy.

I have always felt bad about not finishing college 17 years ago. I started college when I was 16 (because like Justrose, I attended Doogie Howser High School) and once I got there, I SO did not fit in. Being the true introvert I am, I always tried to be well read and very conscientious - academics were not as much a problem as my absolute lack of social and coping skills. I left after my junior year at Ye Old Colonial College and lived at home for a while, working part-time at first, and then a year later getting a job at what was then one of the Big Six accounting/consulting firms.

Working there was actually one of the best things that ever happened to me. I learned so much about the business world and how things are supposed to be done – it was one of those firms that sort of beat good business practices into you and made you work a crazy amount of hours. The consultants I worked with were around my age and a little older, and while I was administrative, they accepted me as a peer and I had an opportunity to work on a lot of really interesting projects. That was another lucky thing – no matter what role I served, people treated me as a peer – I did witness many of my other admin friends being treated like crap and I did what I could to help the situation – try to coach folks as it were. I guess that’s when I started being an informal advice giver of sorts too . . .

I also started working in local politics and with community groups and made many lasting friendships that way. I worked at high levels on several local campaigns, with a lot of responsibility, and learned how to work with members of the public to disseminate information, solve problems, and answer questions in a way that a great number of people could understand. I learned the importance of tailoring information to an audience. I learned how to listen to figure out what the real problem was. I learned how to develop and manipulate databases and information in a way that was useful. I learned how a community works and where to go and who to talk to . . . oh, and I met Mr. Random through all of this too . . .

I was a busy beaver out in the world - learning, meeting people, trying to do good. I moved on to other jobs. I worked for a trade association for an industry that was/is in distress. There I learned about people who made actual THINGS, people who worked in factories in dangerous jobs, who worked hard for their 8 hours of pay: the type of people who are the backbone of this country but get little recognition, especially as their numbers dwindle and their jobs get sent elsewhere in the world. I loved working for those guys, and it was heartbreaking to watch what was happening to these people and their families and the factories they were so proud of. I could tell stories . . .

I had to move on from that organization because the industry was declining so much, the writing was on the wall that they would not be able to sustain the level of staffing that would allow me to stay. So I moved on to another association for 3 years, until I came to the Random Non-Profit.

As you can tell, the Random Non-Profit has been both a blessing and a curse. I was lucky enough to be able to work in the same place as my husband for five years, I have been able to work toward a social justice cause that I believe in, and I have been able to use and develop new talents while working with people that I care about and respect. The bad parts: I have never seen a place run so poorly, the workload is overwhelming for lousy-ish pay, and the morale here is beyond unhealthy.

So, for a while I have been taking stock in myself and wondering where to go from here. I am currently in a mid-level professional position, but on paper – without finishing my degree – I can’t really move much higher. A lot of places won’t even look at me, even though I have beyond enough experience in many areas. Some people have said that I should just lie about my degree, but I can’t do that . . . that would be SO wrong, and besides the truth would come out in the end . . .

For the past 17 years, I have had this inferiority complex. I don’t tell people that I don’t have a degree, but I also don’t say that I DO either. When people ask what school I went to, I tell them and say what major I was . . . but never say that I graduated . . . people just infer what they want. Mr. Random, the sweetheart that he is, says I’m one of the smartest people that he knows . . . but I know I’m not . . .

Now, I know that in the world having a degree does not necessarily mean that one is highly intelligent – I’ve met too many highly degreed idiots for that. But so many people place so much importance on credentials . . . and I always feel really stupid next to people . . . that’s why I try not to say very much . . . I feel very sensitive about people thinking I am kind of an airhead, that I have nothing to contribute . . .

So even though I’m doing pretty well in many areas of my life (and actually have advanced very well career-wise for someone who doesn’t have a degree . . . and even for some who do) I just have to do this for myself.

I feel kind of squirrelly admitting it though. . . almost ashamed, even though I have nothing to be ashamed of . . . but still . . .

But if I don’t do it, I will always feel bad . . . and not progress . . . and drive everyone bats because I feel so stuck . . .

This will be a long road to take, but I am happy that at least I will take a first step. The first steps can be the hardest though . . .

I’m so glad you guys are here and reading! I feel happy to get it off my chest . . . and also sad too . . . it is a very vulnerable thing to admit . . . please send happy vibes if you can . . . I’m going to very much need them!

A Moment with a Cup of Tea

I hope people don’t think I’m about to put my head in an oven or something. There’s just a lot of random stuff going on right now that is making me more angst-y than usual. I’m feeling content at the moment . . . although that usually happens right before another shoe drops, but I’m going with the flow . . .

Things are actually going well right now. Mr. Random is getting used to his job at the Random Publication and learning the personalities there. His graduate studies are zooming along and now he has the evening study thing down to a steady routine. He now has 9 months left in his program and is already talking about how he is going to miss having class on Saturdays and hanging out with his cohort every week. I’m so happy that he is having this experience and gaining so much out of it. The program has already yielded a new job and a bit more confidence in his abilities. Life’s good for Mr. Random!

Mommanator, I do have some more pictures that I could post. My friend J did an open mike a few weeks ago and I took a lot of pictures while I was there. I probably should start doing one of those “a picture a day” projects that are all the rage on Flickr, since I need the practice and it would also force me to see the beauty around me all of the time. The only problem is hauling the honking big camera around all of the time. I love my camera very much and I love the pictures I get, but the camera itself is bulky. I’ll have to think about it.

My brain is fried today. I’m taking a personal day tomorrow and then Friday is the Random Non-profit’s summer pot luck (which should be interesting . . .) The summer is good for easy weeks, and I need a few of those right now.

I am sending many happy vibes out to all of you . . . and you know who you are!

Waiting for the Rain to End

The Fourth of July passed away uneventfully here at the Random Household. It was a blustery day, with rain and lots of tornado watches in the area, so we weren't in the mood to try to see fireworks. I spent the day mostly sleeping and reading, while Mr. Random went out running and watched the Twilight Zone marathon on TV. Excitement abounded at the homestead!

I took Thursday and Friday off because I needed some space from my work. The Random Non-profit has always been dysfunctional, but now that Mr. Random is no longer working there with me, I feel the dysfunction ever more keenly. It was easier to have to sit through meetings discussing the same thing over and over when I had someone to share the pain with and put it all into perspective. Nowadays, I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I am hankering for something new, something different, something else.

I am going to try to be able to work from home more often this summer, which should help a little. Just sitting in my office can be stifling sometimes, with the constant interruptions and barrages of random information that only serve to make me more agitated and unhappy. In theory, I should be able to divorce myself from the political machinations of the office and just focus on my job, but the frustrating thing is that I can’t – all of these stupid meetings ARE a part of my job and dealing with our lack of purpose is part of what we are supposed to be doing. It just really sucks that we haven’t solved fundamental problems yet – once those are solved everything will fall into place, but since we can’t get out collective acts together, we seem to be locked into a death spiral of inaction, rushed deadlines and perpetual confusion. Mission? What IS our mission? We are not sure. If we cannot define it for ourselves, how are we supposed to help others?

The place where Mr. Random works now is very structured – a well-oiled machine – which is what you would expect a daily journalistic enterprise to be. I will from now call it the Random Publication. It is a small daily which is part of a larger media empire. They have money, and the Random Publication is a profit center for the larger company. Every day, Mr. Random comes home in awe of the resources they have available. He also rubs it in that they get bagels, pastries, fruit, juice and coffee brought in every morning for the staff, along with afternoon snacks. What? You mean treat your employees like you actually like them? What a concept!

I am home now, trying to figure out what next steps to take. I am still waiting to hear about an opportunity that I applied for earlier – if I get it, my schedule will change drastically and Mr. Random will have to figure out how to make things work so that we have enough money to pay the mortgage while still leaving me with enough time and energy to keep my sanity. I do hope I get it . . . the short term pain will yield very big benefits in the end . . .

So I am frustrated and exhausted, but full of hope. At least, I’m clinging to hope that I will only have to put up with the Random Non-profit’s BS for only a few more months before some changes happen. The only problem is figuring out how to survive that period without throwing myself in front of a bus out of angst and anger . . .

Forty Years Ago Today . . .

Today, I want to honor the anniversary of the Supreme Court decision that 31 years later allowed Mr. Random and me to be married in the State of Virginia:

LOVING ET UX. v. VIRGINIA

SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES

388 U.S. 1

June 12, 1967, Decided

MR. CHIEF JUSTICE WARREN delivered the opinion of the Court.

. . .

Marriage is one of the "basic civil rights of man," fundamental to our very existence and survival. To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State's citizens of liberty without due process of law. The Fourteenth Amendment requires that the freedom of choice to marry not be restricted by invidious racial discriminations. Under our Constitution, the freedom to marry, or not marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State.

. . .

Read the full decision here

It is so hard to find someone to love in this world . . . May the next few years bring the end of ALL discrimination in marriage, and may our LGBT brothers and sisters be able to exercise one of the basic civil rights of man, according to the requirements of the Fourteenth Amendment.

Here is a picture of me and Mr. Random (having some serious bad-hair days.) We don’t have a better picture yet – so it’ll only be up for a day or so . . .

[Addendum: Today on NPR there was a segment about this: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=10889047]

Do the Limbo Rock!

I can’t wait for this week to be over. Tonight I’m going to see the Royal Shakespeare Company at the Kennedy Center, which I have been looking forward to ALL week. However, the rest of the week? Ugh.

Mr. Random has a final exam on Saturday and also has a final project due, so he is beyond stressed out right now. I just try to stay quietly out of the way . . .

I’ve been having mini-anxiety attacks every morning this week. I am trying to figure out why – is it that I just need some time off? There’s nothing too horrible happening at work at the moment, although a lot of things do weigh heavily on my brain – too much to do and no motivation . . .

Last night I had choir practice and I hadn’t been in two weeks. I felt like I really didn’t need to be there, my allergy was affecting my throat, and I wasn’t really feeling the songs. It was very disappointing – I was hoping to be very happy to see everyone, but there was something missing that I could not put my finger on . . .

O Spring! What am I looking for? What am I waiting for?

I’ll try to be peppier next time. I’m just in an odd mood today, but I wanted to say that I’m glad you all come by and comment. It does perk up the day a bit . . .