Slow Progress

I only have 2000 words written at this point, but I have a good excuse – I had to go to a conference all day Saturday and then was totally exhausted on Sunday – so much so that I never got out of my pajamas or exerted much energy beyond moving from the bed to the couch in the living room.

Also, I had to work on my homework for my online class – had been a bit behind, but I believe I am all caught up now. The last lesson was on theories of adult learning, and so I had to read about the four different theories and then analyze my own teaching style and state which theories I subscribe to, and how I apply those theories in the classroom . . . so that took a little while to do . . .

I am very glad that this semester is going to be over in a couple of weeks because I really need a break. I am also going to have to take a few more trips before the middle of December, and traveling seems to take a lot out of me. Maybe if it was more fun travel, I would not mind as much, but trying to be up and engaged all of the time can really wear a person out . . .

Anyway . . . I hope the rest of you had a restful weekend . . .

The Icon for This Year is Unveiled . . .

Here we go . . . now it's official . . . I HAVE to do this, since I have this shiny picture up here . . .

To Those About To Write, We Salute You

Ladies and gentlemen,

It’s that time of year again! National Novel Writing Month begins today.

The goal: write 50,000 words by the end of November.

Will I actually do it this year? Well, I’m definitely going to try. I do hope to do more than a couple of thousand words, that’s for sure . . .

To those of you who are actually writing your own books (Shout out to Theme Park Experience!), I honestly say I am in awe of your dedication . . .

I am having a bit of troubly uploading this year's icon onto the blog, but I'll try to get it up by the weekend.

Wish me luck!

The Week That Was

Goodness, I’ve been gone for a week! Time certainly flies . . . except when it doesn’t . . .

I was at a conference in Baltimore from Thursday through Saturday – most of the time spent in the hotel, and any time not spent in the meeting rooms were spent in my room, exhausted. The hotel we were at was pretty cool – they had just renovated all of the bedrooms so they all had state-of-the-art bathrooms with the mosaic tiles, along with flat screen TVs in front of the bed. Unfortunately, the hotel didn’t have any decent cable channels so I was stuck falling asleep to CSI:Miami. May I say that that is one show that I do NOT need to see in high definition, super-sharp TV. Eeeeeeewwww!

Saturday night, a few hours after I came home, I went to see a friend of mine perform at a hotel comedy club in Bethesda, MD. The last time I saw him perform was in January, the first night that he had returned after a hiatus of many months. This time he did wonderfully well in his 7 minute set, and many people came up to him afterwards being very complementary. I thought he was one of the best ones on the bill that night, and I’m not being biased, I swear . . .

My birthday happened while I was stuck in Baltimore and it passed by quietly – I didn’t tell anyone which made my life easier, because I really didn’t want any fuss while I was at the conference . . .

A wonderful, wonderful friend gave me Annie Leibowitz’s new book, A Photographer’s Life, which is the best birthday present EVER! She is an amazing photographer, not just for her portraits, but for her shots of her family and other documentary moments, and all of the pictures moved me in some way – some to tears . . .

Yesterday was the Marine Corps Marathon and Mr. Random easily completed his 5th one! It was a bit more confusing to find him at the end this year since they changed the finish line area, so I spent an hour moving among the masses of people trying to find him, which was next to impossible since the cell phones were either (a) not picking up or (b) you couldn’t hear the ringing. Mr. Random is in a lot of pain and questioning why he does it, but I know that it is only temporary since the Marathon is the main reason that he tries to keep in shape every year – I just fear that without it, he won’t take as good care of himself or expend as many calories . . .

I’ll stop writing for now – I actually want to get this post up today, and if I don’t stop now it will languish for the rest of the day and then I’ll never post. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend . . .

Just Following Directions . . .

On Saturday, I spent the day with a really good friend of mine. It was one of those beautiful, cool but sunny, autumn days that you hope for this time of year. We went and did a bunch of touristy type-things, as we usually like to do, taking advantage of all of the wonderful free sights that D.C. has to offer . . .

We went to Ford’s Theater, since my friend had never been, and we also spent some time at the National Archives. Of course, since this is DC, we stood in line to go through the metal detectors at the Archives and then *both* of us managed to set off the alarms somehow and had to be frisked . . . yes, I always love that part . . .

I am always amazed that people want to take pictures inside of museums and places like the archives. I mean, why? If you take a flash picture, you are helping to disintegrate the original source documents, and if you don’t use flash then you can’t really tell what you are taking a picture of, since it’s so dark. Just keep the memories in your head, people! You don’t have to take pictures of everything! . . .

But it was a lovely day with lovely company – a day to just be and do and see. Those days can be few and far between sometimes . . . especially when the workweeks and weekends are filled with activities and projects that must-be-finished-yesterday. Mr. Random had his final project due for his first class on Saturday, along with a final exam to study for, and we both were laden down with work from the Random Non-profit. So being out and about on Saturday, thinking about those things not one bit, was rather nice . . .

While we were out, I bemoaned my writing on this blog as being way depressing. In a tone of utter obviousness, my friend said that I should just write about something that made me happy . . .

Well, my dear friend . . . consider it done . . .

The Other Side of the Story

I don’t know if this is big news in other areas, but right now there are huge protests going on at Gallaudet University, the premiere college for the deaf in the United States, over the appointment of a new president to replace the popular I. King Jordan – who himself was swept into office after protests from the deaf community to be represented by one of their own. In the media, all of the coverage has been a bit one sided, portraying the protesting students and faculty as quibbling that the prospective president “isn’t deaf enough,” which is not the case at all and distorts the real issues at hand.

A friend of mine who works at Gallaudet wrote on this issue much better than I could, and I wanted to share this with everyone so you too are informed about what’s actually going on.

I don't know if you have heard about what's happening here at Gallaudet University where I work, but the students, faculty, staff, alumni, and parents have been protesting the appointment of Jane Fernandes as the next president of the university. Since the president of Gallaudet is an ambassador to the hearing world, the president of Gallaudet is also viewed quite literally as the president of all Deaf Americans. Jane Fernandes is a person that the current president, I. King Jordan, appointed to the Clerc Center (the deaf elementary and high school where I work) as the director 11 years ago. She decimated the place and fired anyone who disagreed with her. King then promoted her to Provost without going through a normal search committee 6 years ago. The community is protesting her now election as the next president to take office in January 07. The protesters took over the university last week forcing the closure of the entire campus for 3 full days. 130 plus protesters were arrested late Friday night in the dark when they could not see interpreters to know what was happening. The university is open now with only gate allowing passage on and off campus.

Tent cities have sprung up all around the country in support of the protests.

Alumni and parents from all over the country have come to support the protest movement, especially when so many of the protesters were arrested last Friday night.

Websites have sprung up detailing the [grievances against] Jane Fernandes and listing advice from several prominent members of the academic and Deaf Communities.

Please share with people you know. The more people are aware of the real issues (not the red herrings put out there by Gallaudet Administration) the more momentum this will get. Encourage local news stations to investigate and cover the story. Right now the media is presenting the impression that the students are spoiled children avoiding schoolwork and that they don't think Jane Fernandes is "deaf enough." I can assure you that that is not the case. Please visit the following websites for more information:

www.fssa.org
www.deafdc.com

Random Prose and Poetry - Rainy Day Edition

What I Did to Time
By Kate Light

What I did to time was ball it up, and
throw it out, when I was unhappy,
years ago; chucked it, sprained my hand
wadding it tight, waiting for an end,
the end of a long season, haul
too long to tolerate, questions
I couldn't answer, changes I couldn't make, tall
orders hovering. Couldn't take suggestions
(stubborn pride); couldn't find solutions
(ignorance, fear); but I could hold my breath
and squeeze away a year—nuisance
years fell into faints and met their death.
Now I'd give anything to have that plethora, that stack;
to feel its truth and call its slow pace back.

Since the debacle of my attempts at poetry for National Poetry Writing Month, I haven’t posted a poem in a while. Poetry does not come easy to me – there are times when I can not write it or understand it. These tend to be times when I feel most out of sync with the rest of the world, when I am feeling disconnected and down, when I feel overwhelmed and beaten. It is hard to appreciate the beauty and rhythm of words when you aren’t that thrilled with the actual concepts conveyed . . .

Secret Poem
— after Seferis
By Scott Cairns

Yes. I have seen the end, and yes
I was disturbed by what I saw.
That I yet glimpse occasional
and frankly stirring satisfactions
in the way the paper draws the ink
may prove one mode of consolation.

That I continue to appreciate
a morning walk, an evening's
intercourse should also speak
encouragement, no? The end
appalls. Quite so. Though I wouldn't say
the end appalls more fully

than the interim. The present
situation—electoral
absurdity, real TV, unprovoked
slaughter thoroughly explained—such
assaults attain a state insisting
that the end arrive, and quickly.

The past is ever with us, but most
have pared it to a less demanding
heft, utilitarian. For me, the past
has become lately my own
articulation of that scene
I saw, just now, as very like the end.

But I do love poetry, when I can love poetry. Sometimes it is the only way to say close to what a feeling is, and said so much better than I could ever say . . .

As the Fall wears on, I feel like I need some assurances that everything is going to turn out OK. I mean, Mr. Random is doing wonderfully in grad school, my ESL class is going well so far, we still have jobs that still sort of pay us – but there is a tinge of uneasiness about everything on my part. I don’t know whether the state of the world gets me down or what. I think that I really need some major time off. I need something fun to look forward to. I need a little creativity, a little whimsy going on in my life right now. We are kind of in a rut at the moment . . .

A Strange Disorder
By Diane Ackerman

A strange disorder rules the house
where lately slender method scared
papers into files neat as hedgerows
and caution laid its dropcloth everywhere.
Now books lie slaughtered on the rug,
the telephone rings, old letters dune
among bills and maps and coffee spoons
in a room spontaneous as a compost heap
where you work the oracle of my thoughts
and haunt the prison of my sleep.

I don’t think I’m majorly depressed or anything – I’m just kind of in limbo, waiting for something to happen, wondering if I should be making something happen, but not knowing what that something is.

My birthday is next week, but I will be out of town at a conference. In some ways, hanging out in a hotel room at night reading does sound attractive, but I do wish that I was going to be home for it. The day I return is the day before the Marine Corps Marathon and Mr. Random will need to rest beforehand, so there won’t really be an opportunity to go out when I get back. I could plan something for later, but by then it will have passed and there will be other things that require more attention – the daily schedule fills up, the nights are spoken for with school and homework and work.

Birthdays are an odd lot, aren’t they? Some people like to pretend they don’t exist, some people dread their coming, others love to celebrate the day that they are born. I’m in the last category – I think that celebrating the accomplishment of another year is a wonderful thing. I could be bummed about turning 36, but I’m not. I am kind of happy with the way I am, the way I turned out. There are some things I wish I’d done in the past, but there is still plenty of time – I’m not 100, there are more years to go . . .

I just have to remember not to compare myself to other people . . . HA! HA! That’s a lot easier said than done, isn’t it? Especially around here . . .

I am looking forward to the weekend a great deal, it’s just the weeks that are getting harder to get through . . .

Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day. You’re bumming me out, man!

Carrying a Heavy Load

It’s funny – I’ve started to write and stopped, started to write and stopped, many times today.

I’m a bit distracted, I guess. My reading has fallen down a bit in the past two weeks – but I think it was what I was reading that was the problem. A Whistling Woman started out promisingly but then there were all these story threads that I really had no patience for, which made me either not want to continue or want to skip ahead to find the thread that I actually liked. It was all a big pain, so I just read the last couple of chapters and called it finished. Life is much too short to struggle through a fiction book that isn’t an important work of some sort. I’ve started reading White Teeth and I’m proceeding cautiously, since it seems to be starting out a little bumpy . . .

My writing is suffering a lot – not just here, but elsewhere. It pains me a great deal. Inspiration has not been easily found, which I think is mostly a function of the problems I’ve been having with reading.

I’ve also been quite tired lately. On both Saturday and Sunday I took naps for several hours. The drama going on at the Random Non-Profit is weighing my brain down. If this experience does not kill me, it will make me a stronger person. However, I have another 8 months of this stuff to go through and I don’t know if I can last that long . . .

Not much exciting going on – I’m hoping this is a quiet week. Tonight, I hope to work on my lesson plan for tomorrow’s class and do a little reading for my online class. Tomorrow night – teach class. Wednesday night – Choir practice. Thursday night – online class. On Saturday, do some Theater and museum-hopping with a friend and then dinner with Mr. Random.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Pet Peeve of the Day

Not to get all “Andy Rooney” on you all, but it really bugs me when people walk onto elevators already talking on their cell phones. Can’t you wait until you get outside, or at least finish the conversation in the hall? Why do you think that everyone else in the elevator has to hear your conversation, which is so totally NOT important, by the way . . .

For the past two weeks, the same woman has been getting on the elevator in my office building just a chattering away – whether there is one other person on the elevator already or six . . .

Ok, that is all . . . I’m glad I got that off of my chest . . .

Otherwise it is just another gorgeous Fall day here in Virginia . . .

Naps Do a World of Good

I am feeling a bit better today . . . having the day off and taking a nap does add a bit of perspective . . .

I’ve just signed up to take an online class in adult learning. I’ve never taken an online class before so this should be quite interesting. I rather prefer being face-to-face with teachers and other students, to get the full give and take in the classroom and to make new friends in “meat space,” but I feel compelled to try this out. Besides, it is free and is rather low key – it’s not for a grade, but for a certificate. I’ve always been curious about how adults learn and are eager to figure out how to apply this knowledge to communications and outreach, whether by a non-profit trying to get its message out or by a campaign trying to get factual information out about a candidate and the issues involved . . .

The Random Cat also has not been acting up today . . . I get the feeling that she only likes to act up when Mr. Random is here because she feels like he is not giving her enough attention or treats. She knows that I am not willing to put up with her hissy-fits and that I will quickly put her in “her room” and close the door for a time out. The Random Cat has lost quite a bit of weight on her “cat”kins diet, but as a consequence she likes to sniff around Mr. Random and me when we are eating and try to grab the food off of our plates . . .

Watched the first part of “Casanova” on PBS last night – I love Peter O’Toole, and utterly adore David Tennant. I just heard of the guy last week when watching Doctor Who, and now I’m willing to seek him out elsewhere. It’s a really well done story, with some surprises, and I’m looking forward to the next installment on Sunday . . .

I’m going to have to find a new co-teacher for January – I just found out the person I team teach with is expecting a baby in early December. We teach on different nights and I actually hadn’t seen her in person since the end of April, so I’m glad she let me know . . . I could only imagine being quite surprised to see her at the end of November . . .

. . . And so another busy week begins . . .

The Autumn Leaves Are Starting to Fall

Hello, everyone.

It’s been a busy week and many things have been preying upon my mind lately.

Today is gorgeous and sunny here in Northern Virginia, as I sit in my bedroom and look out on the piles of dirt that the construction in back has turned the lush woods into. It lets more light into the condo, that’s for sure, but I really miss the trees. It was always so beautiful to see them turn the different colors this time of year . . .

I am in a sad mood. I finally heard from my friend, L, after about a month, and she has said that she has moved back to her hometown. I had been so looking forward to her moving back to DC, but then she needed a place to stay right away, and Mr. Random and I could not accommodate because of our frenzied schedules at that time, and now I feel responsible in some way for driving her away. It is probably not true, but I am feeling that way . . .

I only found out because I sent an e-mail to her on her birthday, and she responded with a terse “thanks!” Not leaving well enough alone, I invited her out to dinner with me and Mr. Random so that we could all catch up, and then she wrote back that she had moved back home and was too busy to write more. Maybe I’m just overly sensitive, but I’m thinking not . . .

My other friend, L, is expecting her child any day now – we’re just waiting on word. Another friend came into the office on Thursday to say hello and show off her new baby girl . . .

I am still trying to figure out what I want to do, and I am getting anxious. I feel like I am being pulled into all different directions and that I don’t have many people to share this with. It makes me feel very lonely . . .

What does it mean to be a good person? What is it that I am meant to do? I just don’t know anymore . . . and yet each day the treadmill keeps running and I keep going, trying to do the best I can, trying to add a little bit to the world in my own way, hoping that something I do is making a difference to someone . . .

Mr. Random got a perfect score on his first exam yesterday. We went out to dinner to celebrate. He’s really enjoying his class, and I am so happy for him. He also finished the Army Ten Miler today, and is not out running to get a few more miles in to finish training for the Marine Corps Marathon at the end of the month. He is also overwhelmed at work, and is going into the office tomorrow, despite it being the Columbus Day holiday. Me? I’m taking it off no matter what – I need the day off, I’m just so deep-down tired . . .

I’m at a loss for what to say next, so I’ll stop for now . . . I’m just hoping this is just the end of a bad week, and my optimism will come back really soon . . .

Farewell, Mr. Robinson . . .

Yesterday, Mr. Random and I went to the final Washington Nationals baseball game of the season. I love going to baseball games – they are so much fun to watch in person, especially when you have really involved fans around you. It was Frank Robinson’s last game managing the Nats, temporarily ending his 51st year in baseball – His farewell was quite moving and I was so happy to have been there to see it. I do hope he gets some sort of front office position, because who can imagine him just sitting at home when the new season starts . . .

The Nats really need to get some better pitchers - they gave up 6 runs in the 2nd inning - the second inning! It isn't just that one game - the pitchers seem to suck every time I see them. It isn't a Nats game unless they go through 3 or 4 pitching changes . . . and it's really bad if even *I* can tell they suck . . .

There was a shout out to Eric McClain’s Off Wing Opinion blog yesterday in the Washington Post, mentioned by Ted Leonsis in an article about the Capitals. Their season starts this week and I really want to go to one of their games this year. I have never even set foot in the Verizon Center yet, which is really sad . . .

I’m don’t really like football, so there will be no ‘Skins talk here; basically, baseball, hockey and soccer are all that I can get my head around . . . along with a little curling, once every 4 years . . .

I seem to be in a bit of a melancholy mood today (I know, you are probably asking “when are you not?”) but I am really not digging the stuff I have to do here at work this week. There is just too much to do and I keep being pulled in all of these different directions. My boss is not helpful, since she is being pulled around too, and isn’t one to sit down and prioritize and make deadlines. I know I should do so myself, but, um, she’s the boss . . .

Actually, that’s not true – there is stuff that I am psyched to do, but it is buried under all of the other junk. I may try to take a few days and work from home (if they aren’t using the earth movers behind my condo that day, that is . . .) and get some actual writing and analysis done . . .

Anther packed week ahead – Mr. Random is doing the Army Ten Miler on Sunday. They are banning the use of water bottles/backpacks and cell-phones. How am I supposed to know when to come get Mr. Random then? I don’t want to have to wait around the Pentagon parking lot until he finishes – I’ve been there, done that and almost caught pneumonia some years because it was cold and rainy. I’d hang out at the nearby coffee places, but they are usually packed with other non-running spouse waiting around.

Also, this week is packed with the usual teaching/choir/random meetings. I guess Friday night is my downtime, while Mr. Random finishes his homework and watches the season premiere of Battlestar Gallactica . . .

By the way, may I say that I love the new Doctor Who series? I didn’t watch it last time, but I saw the premiere Friday night and I guess I am hooked . . . the new Doctor is such a dashing fellow anyway . . . However, I refuse to watch anything else on that station, because I get tired of the same plots being recycled – especially the Stargates . . . you know, visit a random planet, poke, poke, oops! We got the aliens mad at us, how are we going to get out of it? Get out of the scrape just barely . . .

I want the leaves to start turning, darn it! I want to see pretty colored trees when I look out of my office window . . .

I hope everyone had wonderful weekends . . .

Sitting Down on Saturday Afternoon

It’s Fall. It’s truly Fall here in the mid-sized city . . . the weather is cool enough that you need a sweater or jacket, and the various nurseries have their pumpkin patches set up with different types of Halloween displays.

When it’s Fall, you realize that the year is almost over. You start to take stock of all the things you haven’t done and all of the things you have. You decide what you need to jettison and what you need to keep. You see if you should start something new or wait to see what the new year brings . . .

I always seem to be living inside my head . . . and not in a good way. I mean, if it was in a good way, I would hope that my writing would be better. But a lot of the time there is some work that needs to go on inside before you can even start to vocalize what it is you want.

I still don’t know what I want, but I think I’m getting closer to it than I have in the past. That’s a good thing, but now there is still more work I need to do before I even get close to verbalizing what that is . . .

Today I had lunch with a good friend of mine, who knows what he wants to do and is willing to take the time and make the sacrifices necessary to get there. He’s single, which in a way makes it easier to do than if you have another person who is relying on you . . .

Towards the end of October, I am going to turn 36 years old. I would like to say that I am happy with who I am and where I am, and I probably should. However, I still haven’t quite mastered the feat of shaking off what others might think . . .

You know, I don’t really go back and read what I have written on this blog once I have posted it. I do check for comments, but otherwise I just let my thoughts hang out there – a testament to the moment in which I feel moved to write. A lot of times I think it means that I have repeated myself a lot . . . because I do think of the same things over and over again, come up with the same arguments in my head and try to work things out. Certain situations act as triggers for certain feelings, and being the insecure gal that I am I revisit those feelings a lot . . .

I just wanted to put that out there today. Repeating myself for the umpteenth time, hoping to find a nugget of revelation in the words I keep typing. Nothing very noteworthy happened today, and my brain can’t quite handle trying to make the events of my past week coherent enough for others’ consumption . . .

Just remember that Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in your soul . . .

That line always gives me great comfort. May it carry you through this weekend too . . .

Arrested Professional Development

See, my brain can’t focus on anything too long, so after a decent night’s sleep the anxieties from the day before have disappeared and only the anxiety for the week ahead remains . . .

I’m putting a couple of business trips on my calendar for the end of October and beginning of November – for one, I’m going to be out of town for two nights (one of which is my birthday) and for the other I will be going up and back on the train on a Saturday for a day-long conference. I was told to go ahead and make the arrangements, so I just hope the Random Non-profit is going to pay for all of it. Yes, I know that it should be a given, but the Random Non-profit always seems to be teetering on the brink – so one must take nothing for granted . . .

There is a professional development organization that I want to join – it is a fairly well known organization in the non-profit field, and it has excellent networking opportunities and continuing education programs which would benefit both myself and the Random Non-profit in allowing me to learn how I should do my job, much less learn to do my job better. Most organizations pay for their employees’ memberships – a membership costs around $300 – but the Random Non-profit never pays for anything like that. They don’t even have tuition reimbursement anymore . . .

So I guess if I actually want to do well in my field I am going to have to cough up the bucks for the membership myself – which is just as well – I’m only hoping to stay at this place long enough to get enough experience to move on to a better paying organization, so it is an investment in my own growth, but I do wish the Random Non-profit wasn’t so stingy . . . it actually hurts them, in a way, since people have to look outside the organization to be able to learn and grow, which leads to a lot of talented people leaving . . .

I really need a lot of help – the longer that I am in my new-ish position, the more I realize what I don’t know and what skills I need to get – such as in how to supervise people without seeming passive-aggressive, and how to facilitate meetings better, how to do strategic planning, how to do board development, etc., etc. . . .

I guess it is a good thing that I want to improve – I could easily coast along and muddle through what I’m doing and it would past muster at this place. I just wish that it would seem helpful for the place I’m in right now – rather than in the place I want to be in 5 years . . .

Wait, did that make sense? I’m not sure . . .

Baby Shower Blues

You know it’s bad when you come home from a baby shower and go directly to your room and curl up into the fetal position . . .

It was one of those events, and it doesn’t have to be a baby shower, it could be a party or picnic or any outing that you are invited to that you aren’t quite sure who the other people there are going to be, but you go because you like the host and would show up to anything they asked . . .

I stood out like a sore thumb. I felt so self-conscious, and not for the obvious reason of being the usual raisin in the rice pudding . . .

Everyone else there was from my friend’s church, so immediately I didn’t know all of these people very well. They are all Episcopalians, so there was kind of a twin-set-and-pearls vibe going on that I am never quite comfortable with, but that I can usually shake off and have an interesting time with anyway. (for the record, I was wearing ironed khaki pants, a crisp white collared shirt, and a tasteful jean jacket, with pearl stud earrings – I thought I was being very, comfy-dressy-casual.) But these were mostly women who either were grandmothers or who had kids, save for one woman who went to law school with L, but she fit in a bit better than I seemed to . . .

Several of the women brought their children with them – one woman brought her 10 year old daughter (dressed in a smart, colorful Lily Pulitzer outfit), another woman brought her 4 year old daughter (who was also dressed in a Pulitzer-type dress), and another woman brought her little boy, who was huge for only being 6 months old (and NOT wearing anything Pulitzer.) Another woman stopped by for a little bit, and was asked how her au pair was doing . . .

There also was L’s mom, who set up the whole shower, but she was flitting around and I couldn’t get to talk to her much. She is really a cool lady – a feng shui specialist, also sells real estate, had very interesting life experiences – I usually love talking to “out there’ people like that, but today was not the day . . .

There was talk of pre-school and strollers and car seats and you-must-gets and nurseries and babysitters . . .

I was asked if I had any kids, and I gave the usual “not yet!” said in sing-songy, hopeful tones, but that wasn’t quite interesting enough. I was asked where I live, and I told them – it’s a part of the area that is both well-known but kind of hidden, because there is nothing really “cool” in that part of town. That wasn’t interesting enough. I didn’t have much to contribute in the way of baby experiences. I asked about a drawing that someone gave L at a shower on her job, it had a rather interesting story behind it, but that only lasted about 5 minutes . . .

L’s husband, C, same downstairs for just a minute to get a soda and then swiftly went back upstairs to the attic, where his office is. I really wished I could go up there and watch TV with him too – at least have a normal conversation about normal stuff and not feel so much like a freak . . .

There were little quiches and veggie trays and bread and dip and apples and cheese and cream puffs and cake and punch . . .

I don’t know what I expect at these things. I mean, I was quite honored to be invited – I mean, given the rest of the invitees, it was awesome that L wanted to include me too. I really wanted to play nice and be a most charming guest, and I’m sure that I did at the time, but after you leave something like that, it is just so draining and disappointing and you feel just need to go back under your rock . . .

So now I have all the griping out of my system and can go on with my life. L really liked the presents that Mr. Random and I came up with – a really soft, stuffed doggie, a couple of children’s books that Mr. Random and I loved when we were little, a baby blanket that I knitted for her and have been saving, and a “Coupon” for one free day of babysitting. L’s mom was just beamy from ear to ear with excitement (this will be her first grandchild.) Everyone else seemed to have a lovely time, and L was happy with how everything turned out. That’s really all that matters in the grand scheme of things . . .

However, I do believe I need to go interrupt Mr. Random’s homework for a moment, and ask for this biggest hug in the world . . .

Meaning-free, Content-free

I’m sitting here trying to write a meaningful post and I’m coming up empty. It isn’t for lack of topics to write about – many meaty things have been said on several blogs that I’d love to respond to (Theme Park Experience and Dean Dad’s, to name two) but the synapses are not firing and the words are not forthcoming. I also finished reading The Year of Magical Thinking and would love to go into a discussion about loss and coping and what it means to no longer have beside you someone that you have loved and counted on day after day for years, but I can’t seem to do it justice at the moment . . . but I do encourage people to read it, so much of it felt so true . . .

I’m in a holding pattern of sorts this week, due to my exhaustion and the major, raging headache that I had yesterday and which lingers into today. Construction has started on luxury townhomes behind the Random condo, which means they are tearing down many of the lovely trees that I would wake up to every morning, and they are being replaced by the sounds of earth-movers and saws. It is very depressing hearing trees being ripped from the ground – a horrible, guttural tearing sound that wrenches the heart . . .

Mr. Random and I went out to dinner last night to celebrate our anniversary, and while the food was delicious and the company divine, my aching head just would not play along. Also, it all seemed to go so fast – it seems that sometimes restaurants try to get you in and out so quickly that lingering over coffee seems more uncomfortable than it is worth. We went to a local restaurant that is fairly popular and rather upscale – which is why we only go on our anniversary – but they’ve changed the menu a bit, so my usual favorite dish, grilled pork chops with garlic mashed potatoes, was nowhere to be found. I ordered a large salad instead, which was tasty and much healthier, but not quite the same . . .

My ESL class this Fall is going to be quite challenging. I have an autistic gentleman in my class this time, and it is going to be a bit of a challenge working with him in the context of the whole group. He is very bright and has already learned some English in his native Costa Rica, but it is hard to gauge how patient I should be with him while still giving attention to the other 8 people in the class. I don’t know how to describe it and I don’t know what questions to even ask in what I should know or do to be more helpful to him . . .

I have a new laptop now – hooray! – it just came yesterday. It’s kind of an anniversary present, to replace the laptop that Mr. Random appropriated to use for school. I should be fawning and happy and grateful, but it’s not the same as my old one. It’s a different configuration and it doesn’t have the database on it that I needed or the same amount of gigs on the hard drive, so it kind of rankles. I know, I’m an ungrateful little cuss . . . I mean, it’s so awesome! . . . but the little things just annoy me to no end. I just need to go out and buy Access and an external drive to supplement, and I’ll be good to go . . .

I’m going to a baby shower on Sunday for a very good friend of mine. Now that two women that I am good friends with are starting their families, I’m starting to catch a little of the bug. Before, I’ve had friends have babies, but we weren’t that close and I didn’t hang out with them a lot anyway so our relationships didn’t change all that much. However, this time these are couples that I would hang out with fairly frequently so it will make a huge difference in lifestyle – no more just calling people up and seeing if they want to go out that night. It will be interesting to see how much they change and how much they stay the same . . .

My brain is totally fried so I will stop now. I’m so happy the weekend is here – I need much, much sleep . . .

Random Happy Anniversary

Today’s my wedding anniversary – I’ve been married for *8* whole years today.

Many kudos to Mr. Random for putting up with me every single day for 10 years now. I can’t believe it’s been that long . . .

He is one of the sweetest, kindest, smartest, most adorable individuals I have ever known. Why he picked neurotic little me will always be a huge mystery . . .

No celebrating tonight, though – It is the first night of class for ESL and I couldn’t miss the first day with the students. We will have to postpone the nice dinner until later on in the week . . .

Merlot, Pinot Grigio, Chardonnay

Follow the path of the unsafe, independent thinker.
Expose your ideas to the dangers of controversy. Speak your mind and fear less
the label of 'crackpot' than the stigma of conformity. And on issues that seem
important to you, stand up and be counted at any cost.
--Thomas J. Watson

I know that I probably shouldn’t apologize for not updating the blog as frequently as I wish to – I am sure that it is implicit in blogging that life will get in the way, and what I’m writing isn’t exactly breaking news/must-read material – but I still feel compelled to do so . . .

I had the day off on Friday, and yet it wasn’t really a day off, so any benefits that might have accrued in having a Friday off did not occur. The weekend was packed with fun things, but sometimes I think I try to pack too many fun things in to counteract all of the lousy things I have to do during the week.

The Random Non-profit is still going through a bit of turmoil and my current position puts me right in the middle of it and I am starting to think that I don’t quite have the fortitude to deal with this stuff. Or maybe I do . . . but the main problem is that ever since I have come back from my trip, I have been running on a deficit of sleep. When I get stressed out, I can’t really sleep, and when I can’t really sleep, everything else goes down the tubes. I hate being stuck in the middle of office politics – I really do . . .

Today’s quote should give me strength and comfort, but it sounds easier to do in theory than it is in practice . . .

I believe in our mission. I believe in the wonderful work that the people in the field do to further our mission. I feel that things I do here can and do help create positive outcomes in local communities. However, I feel that at this moment the internal stupidity is in danger of jeopardizing all of the good work that we are trying to do, and has the potential of driving away a lot of our grassroots activists – which would irreparably hobble what we are trying to achieve together. We are acting in haste, when restraint is in order – especially for changes of this magnitude . . .

Clear as mud, huh?

I hate whining about this, but each new wrinkle makes me want to crawl into the fetal position or just hop in the car and go far, far away and not have to deal with anything. Part of being an adult is learning how to deal with situations like this – toughening up and not taking things so personally. But this affects too many people for me to want to just sit by and watch things implode. I actually DO care about my job and I take what I do very seriously, so seeing people veer from the paths of logic . . . just hurts.

Thanks for being such a patient ear, folks . . .

Assessing the situation

It’s been a long, tiring day – today was the first day of registration for the ESL classes I teach and I was at a site for 3 hours this evening, testing all of the registrants to see what levels they should go into.

This year, we are using new assessment tests and they are rather annoying to deal with. We are supposed to ask a student a list of questions and while they are answering give them scores in three different areas: Language Comprehension, language complexity, and . . . what’s the last “c”? . . . well, it’s whether we can clearly understand what they are trying to say. (I’m tired, can you tell?) It kind of ruins the flow of the questioning and also is a bit nerve wracking for the student to sit through. For example, we ask a student “Do you work?” The student answers, “Yes.” This is followed by three minutes of circling scores for their answer. Then we ask the next question – they usually give a one word answer, and then lots of scoring. You can also tell how well a student is doing by how many questions they have to answer. If a student isn’t doing well, the test stops much earlier than for a more fluent person. In those cases, I just ask them random questions that they do understand in order to put them at ease and not freak them out too much. I usually ask how many children they have, how old the children are, how they like living in Northern Virginia – stuff that most folks can easily answer a bit. Then the can leave the testing situation not feeling like a failure . . .

I can’t believe that I start teaching again next week . . . I will have to look at my old lesson plans and revise them to make the class flow a little better and encourage more talking amongst themselves. Also, I can’t forget to bring my usual bag of candy to class with me . . . it helps keep folks coming back each week.

I was rather touched this evening when several separate occasions, people that I tested asked me if I was going to be their teacher. I had to explain that I teach at another site in another part of town. One person said that I seemed like I would be a very good teacher have . . . wasn’t that sweet?

Once in a while I think that I should go back to school to become a real, full time teacher, but then I think that I’m having a lot of fun with it now because I’m just a volunteer and I don’t have any major pressure – we just do the best we can with the time that we have. If I had to teach all day, five days a week, I would get pretty sick of it really fast . . .

I have to do more testing at another site on Thursday night for three hours. I don’t know whether to hope it was as busy as it was tonight, or to hope that hardly anyone comes in – I could kind of use the rest . . .

I started reading Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking last night because I thought that the themes of the book felt appropriate for this week. It is a fast read, but I probably won’t get to it tonight. I’m still up for suggestions as to what to read next . . .

Hope to write something more interesting tomorrow . . .

Petitioning the Empty Sky**

Many thanks to Eric and Dean Dad for responding to my meme while I was gone. (I had to look up who Converge was, and I haven’t had a chance to sample a song or two, but I’m thinking that Eric is right about me in that regard – plus, I have all of the songs in Tapestry memorized . . .)

If you haven’t commented on that post yet, I highly encourage you to do so when you get a chance . . .

I’m always curious as to how I come off in my writing – what is the persona I am presenting to the world? My goal is to be as close to whom I am in “real life” as possible, without blowing the thin veneer of anonymity that I have here. The problem is that I am never sure who I actually am in real life – which, I have realized, has turned out to be the real purpose of this blog: providing a snapshot into the daily (somewhat) musings of a random person trying to make sense of herself and the world around her circa the early 21st century . . .

*My business trip went as well as could be expected. The hotel room I had was HUGE – it was one of those suite hotels, which normally I love to stay in when I’m traveling around with Mr. Random – but when you are sitting all by yourself in a strange town, in a suite larger than your first apartment, you tend to think it’s a bit of overkill. I also hate having to be social in the evenings, especially after running around conference sessions all day. I’m only a people person up to a certain time limit . . . On the first evening there, I went out to dinner with a group of folks, but with such a large party (12) we had to wait an hour for a table, then it took forever for everyone to order, and then get the food, and by the time we were done it was 10 PM – going home just in time to get ready for bed. The next evening I begged off from going out to dinner and went back to my hotel room and accidentally watched the entire HBO/Spike Lee documentary on Hurricane Katrina. (Yes, accidentally – I was only flipping around to find some local news for a moment, and I got sucked into all FOUR HOURS of the show. Uplifting! Needless to say, I didn’t get much reading done that night either . . .)

*I did finish reading The Emperor of Ocean Park on the train ride home on Friday. I had started reading it on the train ride down on Wednesday night and tried to get in a few reading sessions in the evenings at the hotel. It was hard for me to put the book down, with is why I had a marathon reading session of Friday night – I just HAD to finish. The book is kind of a mystery as a man tries to find out exactly what kind of man his father before he died. The main character had a lot of “self-loathing-ness” going on, and I think if I met him in real life I probably wouldn’t want to hang out with him much, but the story itself and all of his discoveries kept me riveted. It also helped that large parts of the story took place in DC and Oak Bluffs, MA – two places I know very, very well. I give the book three stars!

OK, right now, I have on queue to read the following: Zadie Smith’s White Teeth, William Thackeray’s Vanity Fair, Stephen Fry’s The Ode Less Traveled, Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking, and A.S. Byatt’s A Whistling Woman . . . among many, many more. Anyone have any recommendations on which one I should pick up next? . . .

*National Novel Writing Month (http://www.nanowrimo.org/) is coming upon us quickly – November 1 – 30, 2006. As you can see by the icon at the side of this page, I started to do it last year but failed to get enough momentum going to sustain my productivity through the entire month. I’m going to try it again this year. Fifty thousand words in 30 days is still quite a daunting task, so I won’t promise that I will finish it but I will definitely make sure that it is higher on the priority list than last year . . .

*I am avoiding all TV today – I really don’t need to be reminded of what happened 5 years ago – working in Downtown DC, just a few steps from the White House, I was in the thick of everything – no one needs to tell me what the day was like or how I should feel about it. Myself and all of my friends, we each have a harrowing bit of story to tell and we all have processed it however we needed to in order to move on in our lives and not live in fear and sadness and hatred. I hate all of the publicity, the overwrought memorials, the gestures that I feel are empty and just for show, just to make us all feel angry and scared all over again, to justify whatever it is that’s going on these days. That’s all I’m saying for now – I’m much too tired to go into a rant . . .

Hope to be back to semi-deep thoughts tomorrow . . .

** Title of a Converge song