Party of One

As a child, I often tended to sit alone, away from all of the other kids. I wasn’t the most social of children. It wasn’t that I didn’t like people or enjoy the company of others, but I just never really liked dealing with groups and group behavior. I somehow seemed to learn early that people act differently when you are talking with them one on one than when they are hanging out with a group of people. I grew up surrounded by a gaggle of loud, boisterous cousins and I wasn’t a fan of the noise and the ruckus and the mess.

You could always find me off to the side – sitting quietly in the corner or tucked away at my desk – with a book. I loved to read, and I read everything I could get my little hands on. The world was full of interesting things, and since as a child I wasn’t going anywhere, the easiest way to escape was to read. It was a comfort and a crutch. Books don’t hurt your feelings the way people do sometimes, and they tend not to disappoint.

So as my life went on, I found that I wasn’t exactly comfortable in most social situations. One on one, yes, I can be myself, but in groups I tend to just sit back and be an observer. I never knew what to say anyway, and I didn’t want to sound stupid. That’s a recurring theme in my life – not wanting to let people down and not wanting to appear stupid.

Even today, at lunchtime I don’t seek out people to eat with – I always eat lunch at my desk and then go for a walk. When Mr. Random and I worked together, we would always eat lunch together and then go for a walk. For five years, it was quite a blessing to have that time and that give and take in the middle of the day. But now that he’s gone, I’ve reverted to my natural state. Now, folks in the office peek in on me from time to time – they were all so used to me and Mr. Random hanging out in a collective unit – and making sure that I’m OK. I’ve never been a social person at work – I tend focus on the tasks I have to do, although I am sociable and am always there to help folks with their projects and offer advice – both professional and personal (I’ve always been kind of an informal life coach/resume consultant to all of my friends.)

I guess what got me thinking about it was that in a group conversation while waiting for a meeting to begin (because meetings at the Random Non-profit always start late), someone was talking about remembering the weird kid that sat off by himself at lunchtime in school – and I thought, “hey, I was a weird kid!” I was happy being the weird kid – I didn’t notice otherwise – but I guess other people don’t see it that way.

One day I was home watching a Gilmore Girls rerun, the episode where the principal makes Rory act more social at school and so she starts eating lunch with a group of girls who eventually end up getting her almost suspended in her efforts to fit in. The story ends with Rory standing up for herself by saying that she has a pretty full life outside of school – lots of friends and activities and even a steady boyfriend – and so the principal really didn’t need to be worried about her being anti-social . . .

I guess I can say the same thing – I have a lot of very awesome people in my life, and many fun and exciting things to do outside of work, so I don’t feel compelled to hang out at work – I just want to get my work done and go out and get to do my fun stuff. Now, I do “work and play well with others,” but not as much as one does when one is say, 23 and going to happy hours all the time.

Did this post make any sort of sense? It’s just been on my brain for the past few days because I guess it’s been bothering me somehow. I do miss having Mr. Random with me at work, but I also like my quiet lunch hours too . . . I just don’t like feeling like I’m being a pariah on top of all of my other issues going on right now . . . Oy!

Happy Friday, everyone . . .