Staring at the Clay

I’m in a bit of a mood today, but I’m going to go with it for the purposes of writing.

I am almost finished reading Until I Find You. John Irving is the sort of author that is not everyone’s cup of tea. Most of the people who populate his novels are usually wounded in freakishly major ways – whether physically or emotionally – and they are all trying to make their way to “normal.” But one thing you realize very early is that there is no real “normal.” Everyone – each and every one of us – is wounded in some way, carrying around some baggage that makes us feel odd and different and freakish when compared to others around us. Or at least, that’s how I feel . . .

We create our own lives and our own memories, but they are very much shaped by what happens to us when we are younger – our whole sense of self is formed by what our families and others around us choose to tell us and to withhold from us. We lose our innocence when we start to realize that everything that we were told was not necessarily the truth but what they wanted us to believe was true, and we spend the rest of our lives trying to establish what our own truths are. It is a long and hard process, sometimes shaking us down to the foundation of who we have thought we were and who we think we should be.

The positive thing about this process is that we each get to reinvent ourselves however we wish. The negative thing about this process is that our baggage, our ingrained histories, our false truths can be the things that keep us from moving forward – because they are comfortable, because they are safe, because they are easy.

Being in the process right now has been quite depressing and yet quite exhilarating. Does that make sense? I have no idea of who I am and who I’m supposed to be. I think I’m one type, but then I notice some things that make me the opposite. I try to be a good person, but I know I’m not. What does being a good person mean? Does one bad thing negate all of the good? Can a person try to be selfless, but still end up being supremely selfish? Be motherly, but not necessarily be a mother? Can you love people, but ultimately not love anyone?

I’ll be darned if I know. And it is killing me. I am starting to think I need to see the answers spray-painted on a wall somewhere for me to get it – but even if the answers did miraculously appear, would I understand them? Would I pay attention? Or would I think that they were wrong and misguided and keep on seeking?

if i write, i am not scared.

I guess I am not as scared as I thought anymore. Something must be going on in this brain of mine that is leading to something . . . it is just a bit of a mess on paper, that’s all . . .

Still Passing the Open Windows

(The title of this post refers to the book, The Hotel New Hampshire . . . no worries, it's a good thing.)

I did not realize that it has been almost a week since I last wrote . . .

There is much to write about, but I don’t seem to have the words or the energy at the moment. There are many things going on though – life just keeps plugging away at the Random household as we gear up for a season of increased activity.

A few weeks ago, Justrose had this in her blog:

“there was an interview in this month's national geographic with egyptian writer
alaa al aswany, author of the yacoubian building. it is famous in the arab
world, i know nothing about it, i probably won't read it. but he said this about
writing, which i loved:”

if i get scared, i cannot write, and if i write, i am not scared.

I am scared. I am not sure what the fall is going to bring.

Right now there are many opportunities that I could start to work on, but the implications of a few of those projects are frightening to me – they may mean a whole change in focus and more time out and about. Mr. Random will be very busy with grad school and running and soccer – and I am psyched and encouraging for him. My choir practices are starting up again, along with my ESL teaching, and I will be running around very busy too.

There is a project that I want to start to work on – my photo project – which could be quite fun and hone my skills while helping to document a “scene” that is going on in the DC area. Almost every ounce of my being wants to do this, but I hesitate. It is scary. It will take more time away. I don’t know if I will be good at it. People may just think I am a weirdo, and the pictures may turn out to totally suck. But I HAVE to try . . .

Gee, I seem to be talking myself into it, huh?

Anyway, it seems like the next year is going be a huge determining factor in how the rest of my life is going to go. It feels like the decisions I’m making now are “make or break.” So, I’m scared for that reason, too. I’m at the bottom of a hill, looking at three different paths going up a mountain, but I cannot see where they lead – I cannot see where they end because there’s some sort of fog or smog at the top obscuring the view. I really don’t want to end up in a place where it turns out I don’t want to be . . . but there is no way to be sure . . .

I’ll end here because I’m not sure if I’m making any sense. It is still a jumble in my head. Thanks for being a receptacle for my indecision . . . it does help a bit . . .

By the way . . . more random quotes today:

The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don't define them, or ever seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with them.
--Denis Watley

It is better wither to be silent, or to say things of more value than silence. Sooner throw a pearl at hazard than an idle or useless word; and do not say a little in many words, but a great deal in a few.
--Pythagoras (582 BC - 507 BC)

Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot.
--D. H. Lawrence (1885 - 1930)

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
--Anais Nin (1903 - 1977)

Back to Randomness

Another meme going around is to go to this page: (http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3) and pick 5 random quotes that seem to fit you today.

Here are mine . . . and they are pretty awesome and fitting for my state of mind these days. How funky is that?

Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own
private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that is which determines, or
rather indicates, his fate.
Henry David Thoreau (1817 -
1862)

Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a
form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and
the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and
aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and
vagaries of the crowd.
Edith Sitwell (1887 - 1964), Taken Care Of
,1965

There's no correlation between creativity and equipment
ownership. None. Zilch. Nada. Actually, as the artist gets more into his thing,
and as he gets more successful, his number of tools tends to go down. He knows
what works for him. Expending mental energy on stuff wastes time.
Hugh
Macleod, How To Be Creative: 10. The more talented somebody is, the less they
need the props., 08-22-04

Perfection is a road, not a destination.
Every time I live, I get an education.
Burk Hudson

She had an
unequalled gift... of squeezing big mistakes into small opportunities.

Henry James (1843 - 1916)

Other Random Updates:

*My friend, L, is going to be staying with her friend, J, until she makes enough money to find a place. Whew! That is quite the burden off of my mind. Thanks so much, Virginia Gal, for the offer of a lead on a place in Manassas!

*Oh, and to answer Virginia Gal’s comment – yes, NPR gets on my nerves sometimes too. Sometimes it seems like a parody of itself in all of its earnestness . . .

*I am still terribly out of sorts, but am muddling along each day. I’m not going to be able to go to Alabama to visit my grandmother until the end of September now, because of a lack of funds. I am terribly disappointed and but hope that late September will be a nice time to have a visit.

*Today I ended up having the exact same conversation with someone that I’ve been having with them for the past 6 months. It always gets resolved the same way, and yet, not. It is so hard to figure out how to resolve this in a satisfactory way for everyone, but until then I guess it will keep coming back again and again until someone gives in.

*Over the weekend, I read Isabel Allende’s Zorro. I started it Saturday night and finished it by 10 PM Sunday night. I love, love, love her novels – I love the music of her words, the tone she sets . . . her writing is what makes me want to write, to get better at writing, to tell a story in a way that makes someone want to keep the story going on forever. I have read mostly all of her books and at an event in 2002 at the National Museum of Women in the Arts, I actually got to hear her speak about her life and her writing. (Mr. Random actually got to speak interact with her a bit: When Mr. Random was walking to the museum after parking the car, he noticed a woman who looked lost to where the entrance was. He took her to the correct entrance and opened the door for her – surprise! It turned out to Ms. Allende.)

*I am now reading John Irving’s Until I Find You. It is an encouraging sign that my brain is clearing out enough clutter to be able to read whole books again, not just magazine articles. I just wish my brain would declutter enough to actually WRITE something decent . . .

*Which reminds me that I really need to renew a whole slew of magazines. I’m probably going to give up Bon Appetit, and keep: Metropolis, InStyle, The New Yorker, Cooking Light and Sunset. Ugh, my Wall Street Journal is coming due soon too . . .

Until I blog again . . . hope all is going well for everyone!

Trinity Meme

Hey folks, let's lighten things up a bit! (Meme is courtesy of Justrose)

3 things that scare me:
Flying. Actually being stuck in a metal tube traveling many miles per hour, many thousands of feet up in the sky, with the possibility of crashing down. That may hurt a little, I think . . .
Losing people I care about forever
Being stuck in a rut – not growing or learning or being able to do new things or go new places

3 people that make me laugh:
My dad
Mr. Random
My friend, J.

3 things that I hate most:
Waiting in lines
Crowds
Being overlooked

3 things I don't understand:
Why religions that are supposed to stand for love and justice can engender so much hate and intolerance
Why TV news shows are so incredibly crappy
Why putting everything on the internet is supposed to be the schwartz.

3 things I am doing right now:
Watching the Random Cat sleeping curled up beside me on the couch
Nibbling on some of the tasty fig/date/nut bread that I made on Thursday night.
Trying to figure out what the next steps in my life should be

3 things I want to do before I die:
Travel to Europe and Latin America
Study Philosophy, Urban Planning and Architecture
Learn to play the violin and the piano

3 things I can do
Make a killer cheesecake
Be a friendly ear and a helping hand to those I care about
Edit other people’s writing (I’m lousy at doing my own)

3 ways to describe my personality:
Open, but guarded
Giving, but selfish
Optimistic, but moody

3 things I can't do:
Whistle
Swim
Tell a funny joke without totally ruining it.

3 things I think you should listen to:
The sounds of little children playing – one of the most comforting things in the world.
The ocean outside your window at the beach
Cicadas and birds in the woods as you are sitting or walking.

3 things you should never listen to:
Talk radio
People who don’t have your best interest at heart or are incredibly negative all the time
Someone telling you that you CAN”T do something because of some dumb stereotype.

3 absolute favorite foods:
Anything potato related – chips, fries, mashed potatoes, potatoes au gratin, baked, roasted, anything!
Anything Asian related: Thai, Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, Indian
Anything Southern, but chitlins.

3 things I'd like to learn:
Flamenco dancing – it just looks cool
How to perform well on stage or in groups – I am really afraid of looking stupid or doing the wrong things
How to be a better artist – a better observer and better at expressing myself whether in my photographs or on paper.

3 beverages I drink regularly:
Diet Dr. Pepper
Ginger Ale (to settle my stomach – also goes well with Asian food)
Tea – I LOVE Teas!

3 shows I watched as a kid:
Little House on the Prairie
Anything on PBS during the day
Any music variety shows – Solid Gold, Soul Train, American Bandstand, Hee Haw, Laurence Welk – you name it, I watched it. I pretty much liked any type of music

Positively Positive

. . . That’s what I’m trying to be this week. Don’t know if it is working, but that’s the mantra I’m using.

My friend, L, called last night. She asked if she could stay with Mr. Random and I through the end of September until she can get her own apartment. Her sister, who she is staying with now, is moving in a few weeks to another part of Virginia. She said that she knew that Mr. Random and I are just getting over having Random Mum-in-law stay with us, but she really needs a place to stay.

I told her that we would think about it. When Mr. Random got home from running, I told him what happened. We were both incredibly conflicted about what our answer should be. Our first impulse was to say no, but we both felt like that was a selfish thing to think. We want to be good people and do the right thing, so shouldn’t we want to help out a friend?

We talked about how we were both going to be super busy next month – what with Mr. Random starting grad school, having weekend soccer games and training for the marathon, and me starting to teach ESL again, having choir practices and traveling for the early part of the month – plus working our normal jobs..

Mr. Random also would not feel right with a semi-stranger living with him in the condo while I was gone. Also, our condo is not very big and 5 weeks is a long time to share a small space with a non-relative. Now, if my sister wanted to come live with us for a month, that’s another story because, well . . .she’s my sister! And if our unemployed friend, C, had asked to stay with us, it would have been an easy no to say.

L is a sweet woman who has worked pretty hard to get through law school and was kind enough to let me visit her in New York (even though that turned out pretty lousy). We have talked for countless hours and I have given her tons of encouragement and advice over the years. I have tried to be as supportive a friend as I possibly could be.

But there was a layer of uneasiness about L that we couldn’t quite verbalize.

So Mr. Random and I had been agonizing over this decision all last night and all day today. As we were taking our usual lunchtime walk, we came to a decision.

We are going to say no. And try to do what we can to find her a good roommate situation that she can be in for about 6 months or so. Because if she can’t afford an apartment right now, she probably won’t be able to comfortably do so by October, and then we really wouldn’t be able to tell her to leave once she was living with us. It would be a huge strain on an already stressful period, and we wouldn’t feel real comfortable with her there during this transitional time.

Am I horrible for not wanting to help out a friend in need? It’s OK if you think so – I already feel really bad . . .

Now to see what her reaction will be . . .

Nibbling Away at Sanity

I have just been in a “mood-most-foul” all week. I am trying to work on it, really I am! This morning I was reading through Justrose’s Blog and this statement leapt out at me:

the bottom line: i have a good life, and i just have to stop machinating
over it and live it, for whatever happens. i worry too goddamn much.

Or as my friend, J, so succinctly said:

I don't think there's a nice way to put it, but life sucks sometimes.

I just wish I could turn off the ol’ brain and not have to deal with anything for a while. I’m getting tired of dealing with other people’s baggage. I am weary of dealing with situations at work that were caused (or neglected) by my predecessors. I hate having to be aware of all the petty political machinations going on inside and outside the organization. I am sick of being in the loop, but not in the loop enough to actually be able to do anything. Middle management sucks . . .

And when I get cranky, I tend to either eat or starve. This time around I’m eating, I guess, which will undo all the good work I did the first 6 months of the year.

Semi-good news: I’m going to be teaching ESL on Tuesday nights again in the Fall. This time the semester will only be 10 weeks long – hallelujah! However, I’m hoping they are changing the curriculum slightly, since otherwise we won’t be able to finish everything in time.

I talked to my friend, L, last night. I hadn’t talked to her all summer since she had been busy studying intently for the Virginia Bar exam. She is just now starting to look for jobs, to tide her over until she gets the results of the Bar. Unlike all of my other lawyer friends, she did not work at law firms over the summers while she was in law school, and now she is having trouble finding work right away. I had offered to hook her up with some of my friends who could probably help her out a bit, or at least point her in the right directon, but she always declines. The way she described her encounters at various temp agencies did not seem encouraging either, since by what she said about her meetings with various folks, she seems to have a bit of a chip on her shoulder about interviewing for administrative positions – although that is what she is looking for at this point.

Talking to her made me want to go beat my head against a wall. Listening to her, I felt sad and angry, because I always thought she had more sense that that, but I then tried to remember what she was like to work with (L and I met while working at a ubiquitous DC trade association) and I guess I had glossed over that her attitude there was not exactly the best either . . .

. . . my, I still seem to have a lot of hostility . . . I’ll try to be a bit peppier later, I promise . . .

Not Seeing The Baby Panda

The heat has broken a little bit, so today Random Mum-in-law, Mr. Random and I decided to venture out to the National Zoo, to see the baby panda and to get a few souvenirs to take back with her for family and friends.

We started out a bit after 12 and went to the Café Deluxe for lunch on Wisconsin Ave, a bit past the National Cathedral. It was crowded, as it would be on a Friday afternoon, and it took us about 20 minutes to get a table. We had some lovely sandwiches for lunch – I had a grilled cheese with bacon and tomato, Mr. Random and his mom both had chicken with avocado spread. The restaurant was noisy, so I couldn’t hear much of what Mr. Random and his mom were talking about, but I made sure to smile and nod appreciable in between bites of my yummy sandwich and slender, crispy French fries. I was STARVING, and I had woken up with a most horrible headache, so I wasn’t really in the mood for walking around and making small talk, although I tried to be a sport as best I could.

Two interesting incidents happened during lunch. First, I sighted a low-level celebrity, Mark Plotkin – a DC political radio host – walking on the door. I alerted Mr. Random as discretely as I could (“Isn’t that Mark Plotkin over there?” I whispered . . .) and of course, Mr. Random craned his head back as subtle as a Mack truck to get a good look at him.

The other incident happened when I was left alone at the table when both Mr. Random and his mom went to the bathroom. I was casually looking out of the window, when I spied a small, white-haired, elderly lady curled up in a wheelchair coming out of the apartments next door. She seemed to be moving rather fast, and before I knew it (because I guess the sidewalk had a bit of an incline) she had crashed into the side of the silver SUV parked at the curb. Two seconds later, a woman came running out to grab the woman and her chair and push her away from the SUV and make sure she was OK. Meanwhile, I started laughing – but I felt bad about it, REALLY! – because I could not believe what I just happened to see . . . this poor little old lady, careening down the path right into a parked car, unable to stop – I guess she didn’t have the energy to put on the brakes – just like something out of a cartoon or Monty Python sketch. She seemed OK, but I guess her nurse wasn’t watching her too carefully, or things happened to fast to stop it. I am certainly going straight to Hell for laughing at that . . .

After lunch we drove over to the Zoo, which was not too far away. Mr. Random actually found a great parking spot on Connecticut Ave, a half block from the Zoo entrance, which was amazing, since we hardly ever find great spots like that.

Once in the park, we walked over to the Cheetahs, where we found one huddled in a far corner, under a tree, trying to bask in the shade. Then we strolled over to where the Pandas were.

There was a major line. A major line on the sun. A major line in the sun that wasn’t moving. A major line in the sun that wasn’t moving and that the Zoo person said that the wait would be about 40 minutes. Random Mum-in-law was already starting to wilt anyway, so we decided to come back later. So we went another couple of yards and then decided to go into the air conditioned gift shop. There, Random Mum-in-law bought a few souvenirs and then decided that we should probably go home. She really couldn’t take the walking or the heat. We had only been there about a half hour at this point, and she was quite disappointed that she didn’t get to see the pandas. We were more concerned about her health at this point and didn’t mind leaving quickly.

On the way out of the park, we had to stop several times for Random Mum-in-law to catch her breath and rest a bit. Luckily we had parked so close to the Zoo that Mr. Random didn’t have to go and get the car for us. We tried to put a happy face on the day, saying that at least she got to eat at a nice DC restaurant, see some neighborhoods that she normally wouldn’t see, and got to get some stuff to take back to the West Coast with her . . .

Now she is resting in the living room, still going outside every hour or so to smoke. Mr. Random and I don’t quite know what to do or say, but are very concerned about her health. She can only seem to walk a few yards before getting very fatigued. Even taking the humidity into account, we can tell that something isn’t quite right.

Has anyone had to confront a family member about their health? Should we just worry in silence? She seems to pooh pooh that anything major might be wrong with her – she just says that she is out of shape . . .

Tomorrow we are going to spend the day with my parents at their house . . . I hope that goes much better than today did . . .

Feeling Like a Caged Animal

Random Mum-in-law has been here for three days now, and it has been so hot and humid that we have not been able to do any of the sightseeing that we had hoped.

Last night we did go to the Ethiopian Restaurant, which was quite yummy and filling – eating meat and vegetables with handfuls of flatbread will fill you up rather quickly. Since I felt so full, and because I just needed to do a bit of movement after sitting around the condo all day and then eating a huge meal, the three of us decided to walk a little around Georgetown.

We did not make it more than a block and a half before Random Mum-in-law said that we needed to go back. She was having a hard time walking and the humidity was getting to her. It was very worrying to both Mr. Random and I since (a) we didn’t go walk very far and (b) at that point it wasn’t as humid as it had been earlier in the day when she kept going out on the balcony to go smoke every hour, almost on the hour . . .

Random Mum-in-law’s health is of great concern to us. She seems much more frail this time, her coughs sound just horrible, and she can’t do very much without getting very tired. Supposedly her doctor says she is fine, but we aren’t believing it.

I am trying to be a good Daughter-in-law and a good sport, but being cooped up with someone for three days is always very trying. Mr. Random and I are trying to be on our best behavior and trying to accommodate Mum-in-law’s needs as best we can. Normally, if we were home by ourselves, we would just brave the heat and go places or curl up in our respective places and read, write, watch TV, or surf the internet. We make full meals rather than just making ourselves a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when we are hungry. That, coupled with the lack of walking, makes me feel like I am going to gain 20 pounds by the time the week is over.

Now, I utterly adore Random Mum-in-law to death – but sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder . . .

[Guilty rant over . . .]

A Visitor from the West

The Random Mother-in-law is in residence this week.

The Random Household is tidier than it has been in . . . well, years. The new paint in the bathroom has been touched up, new shower curtains purchased, matching towels adorning the towel racks, and my sea of random lotions and sprays has been taken off of the counters and put neatly into shelves and cabinets.

The kitchen, while still resplendent with the fugly wallpaper and counters, has everything neatly put away and actually looks functional. It isn’t though – Yesterday, while Mr. Random took his mother out to lunch, I stayed at home and actually made gazpacho, marinated some herb-crusted pork chops for dinner, and baked a fig-date-walnut bread from a recipe I found in Cooking Light. In making all these things I realized that our cabinets are just horrible – all of the baking-ware and mixing bowls are shoved into a tiny space, making it almost impossible to find what I needed without taking out half of the contents of the cabinet. And I need new measuring spoons and cups in the worst way – I haven’t bought any new stuff in about 8 years and a lot of my utensils have sort of disappeared through attrition.

It also doesn’t help that I only feel culinary when I have a lot of time off. Around the winter holidays, between Christmas and New Years, I become a baking queen. During the rest of the year, I avoid the kitchen like the plague – who has time after working all day, plus volunteering and doing whatever?

It really sucks that it is so hot – it rather limits our choices of what we can do. Usually I love walking around the museums of the Mall, or wandering around Old Town Alexandria, but neither of these is an option in this heat. It does not help that Mr. Random’s mom smokes like a chimney and doesn’t quite have the stamina to do much walking, even on cool days. We are going to an Ethiopian restaurant tonight – she’s willing to try it – which should be an interesting experience. My Dad is coming along with us, since my mom is out of town, so this should be super-interesting.

I am much more relaxed this week and am trying really hard not to think of all the work I have to do next week – when I do, it just gets me stressed out and upset. So I am trying to go with the flow as much as possible. I may even get off this computer and try to read a book . . . imagine that!